Life in Relationship

Question: How do we split up "the chores" of a household?

• For marriage, roommates, families, etc.

Dave & Heidi housekeeping love story

• Gottman research, wives find spouse doing housework erotic

Link: https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-typical-solvable-problems-relationships/

1. do what works, not what is expected

• Identifying expectations from other places – culture, family of origin, assumptions
• equality doesn't mean 50/50, it's seeing each other as equals
• there is no perfection in chore life: dailyness of life together in a household and the value of working on the daily things together even when they aren't fun
• name your own expectations and desires: what needs to be done? How often? On certain days? etc.
• avoid extreme chore mentality
• consider the mental energy of appts and schedules and bills, etc, outdoor/indoor
• "I need you to participate more fully in (fill in the blank)"
• building your family culture: we all live here, we all have jobs to get the stuff of life done

1. talk about it, write it down, list it all out (15:00)

• TED method: https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-split-the-chores-with-your-partner-minus-the-drama-and-fighting/
• note what builds resentment
• keep in mind, it's not a competition
• Tiffany Dufu, Drop the Ball, "we tend to be blind to household jobs that we don't do."
• cutting what is unnecessary and outsourcing (payment for something is related to privilege but doesn't necessarily need to be an area of shame)
• 2018 compilation of studies from Harvard Business School – higher satisfaction in outsourcing discussion: https://www.hbs.edu/ris/Publication%20Files/18-072_b1d8cdda-fbb1-46ae-afd7-6742d2195f25.pdf
• Asking questions:

What can we stop doing?

What do we each like doing?

What do I never want to do?

How can we split it up?

• think about it as a "communication playground"

1. ongoing, constant conversation (29:52)

• marriage contract joke
• make trades
• ask for help in both directions

Short answer: talk about it, talk about it more, write it down, be extremely practical in this area

Question:

How do we come to terms with the closure of a childhood friendship? What are ways to find contentment and peace when that friend no longer reaches out to us?

Submitted by listener, Emily

our childhood BFFs

Research moment: 1 in 10 friendships survive into adulthood

1. Children practice being a friend and there's a learning curve.

• Children are learning how to be humans and learning relationship is part of that.
• Cultural misunderstandings – childhood friendships are backbones of our relational lives

Research shows that having childhood friendships matters, but social support is what really has an impact longitudinally.

Study with middle schoolers: http://www.llcsjournal.org/index.php/llcs/article/view/214

• Learning the effort of friendship from models and mentors in our lives
• Naming the complexities of relationship for one another

1. Friendship sometimes lasts for a moment, a season, or a lifetime.

• Some friendships will end, every friendship doesn't have to be a lifetime relationship
• The difference between guilt and shame when a relationship ends
• Listening to the Spirit and your spirit for deciding where to put effort in friendships
• Taylor Swift, Long Pond Documentary - https://www.disneyplus.com/movies/folklore-the-long-pond-studio-sessions/3Xlc0EjKtKpp
• values and personalities more important over affinities and interests

Research link: https://www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/relationships/why-adolescent-friendships-end

• Concordia Publishing House values article:
• Honor the past as well as the present of the relationship v adding expectations, honor the other person's sacrifice as well

1. Growth mindset that allows grieving but also growing up.

• Friendships are best when the individuals grow in them, even if that means growing apart
• some people grow in the same direction and some in different directions, both are growth
• Non-judgment and letting people who they are
• Effort, asking for what you need, asking for what they need
• How to let go: allow yourself some space to grieve and be disappointed, connect with God's unchanging nature and friendship, experience grace around the friendship
• Honor it – reflect on good memories, consider what that relationship brought into your life and practice gratitude for the gift
• DBT with Dave – let the friendship be what it is ;)

Short answer: friendships have their seasons

The Life in Relationship podcast answers one relationship question in each episode. Our goal is more genuineness and authenticity in each of our relationships each day.

Hear more about the new format on this short trailer and start submitting your questions to [email protected].

People are always worth the trouble and relationship is worth the effort.

The epistles are what I like to think of as "big-word books." They teach us about abstract concepts like propitiation, redemption, atonement, and righteousness. This can be intimidating, but also enlightening.

Today's spiritual practice gives us grace for when we encounter big words in Scripture or big ideas. Our goal today is to also build our ability to sit in not knowing "the answer" and discovering new ideas about God or new understanding in our relationship with God by simply engaging with His Word.

A Reading from Jude from the ESV translation

Dave's contemplation:

Blaspheme

Predictions of the apostles

Names in the passage

The practice:

Read through one of the letters of the New Testament or a chapter of the Bible

(Romans is always a good place to start if you aren't sure where)

Focus on a word or phrase you don't understand or are simply intrigued by

Tips:

Look at context

Scripture interprets Scripture

Look up cross references in your study Bible or on a Bible app or concordance

Ask a friend about it

Post on social media to hear other people's thoughts on the word (considering the source and with the filter of the Word of God) or bring it up somewhere else

Pray for God to direct you in His Word to knowledge and understanding about this concept.

Ask a pastor or other theologian about Hebrew and Greek

Find the other related narratives in Scripture

Resources:

Concordia Commentaries - https://amzn.to/2TTtzck

People's Commentaries - https://amzn.to/3j3urWb

(affiliate links)

https://blog.cph.org/read/4-ways-to-draw-near-in-the-new-year

© 2019 Concordia Publishing House. Used with permission.

Always Growing: The Spiritual Practice of Adventure

Practices for spiritual growth – always focusing on drawing near

Greg Finke = Where are we going today, Jesus?

Joining Jesus on His mission - https://amzn.to/3u5JAcb

God wants to do daily life with us –

Name 3 places you go in your day or week that God goes with you

Life is an adventure – Seeing the adventure right where you are at

What adventures can you spot in your own home or family?

How do we encounter trouble in our daily life?

How do we encounter questions and searching?

Where do we encounter resolution and restoration?

Where do you see God sending people to help you along the way?

The Open Hands -

Slowly read through a short passage in the Gospel accounts.

• Who is Jesus connecting with in this account?
• Where is He going?
• What is He doing and/or saying?

Open your hands up and ask God where He would like to send Jesus into the world, through you today.

How is the Holy Spirit faithfully directing your words in daily conversations? Remembering experiences of adventure and God's faithfulness

Episode 16 – Always Growing: Practices for Spiritual Growth

being with God v. producing something for God

We can be doing all kinds of things for God, but very little to draw near to God.

Today and to come: four practices for drawing near

useful every day and especially useful for connecting to God in and around our challenges

Thanks to CPH for letting me pull apart this article and use it a little more.

What are your practices for drawing near to God?

Organic as well as intentional

Being aware/conscious in our traditions

Where does the growth from your daily practices/yearly practices come from?

Which are adding growth and awareness and which are added extra?

Reading God's heart rather than about growth

Gottman Sound Relationship House Theory - https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-is-the-sound-relationship-house/

Drawing near = connecting with God, building love maps with God, rituals of connection with God

What is stopping us from drawing near to God? Identify your barriers

Where is God working to transform you through those challenges?

https://blog.cph.org/read/4-ways-to-draw-near-in-the-new-year

© 2019 Concordia Publishing House. Used with permission.

Always Growing in Awe

The Spiritual Practice of Woah

"Sometimes we need to see and remember God as big and infinite. He can't always be understood through the relationships we see and experience here on earth. As you sit down to draw near, pull out Genesis 1 or Job 38. Look around you and notice one detail of nature and creation. Consider God's voice speaking this thing into being.

• What care does God have for this one small detail?
• What authority does He have over it?
• What gift(s) does He give us through it?

Imagine how Jesus will restore all things in the new creation. Ask Him what He has put before you to steward and care for in the meantime."

Give yourself a moment to be woahed by God and His care of all things.

Special guest: Rev. Michael Newman

Tell us about yourself and your journey with grief.

What aspects of grief make growth challenging?

"big" and "small" loses

Grief upon grief + grace upon grace

Lack of cultural methods for honoring grief

shame/disempowerment in loss and grief

Relational resources designed to be shared

Hope When Your Heart Breaks

• doses of God meeting you in darkness and pain of grief
• for self, for others
• good choice

Getting through Grief

• adult and youth version
• charting a course – 8 gifts God gives to help us through grief

conversation, forgiveness, love, hope, faith, community, purpose, presence

What practices help us connect to God, rather than turning away from God, in our grief?

Time to be in God's presence

Dialogue with God

Watching for God's work

Tell us about any particular resources you would recommend for grieving and growth.

Resurrection story of Jesus

Joy of the Lord is our strength

Romans 8

Lazarus

Jacob wrestling with God

"Struggle Well" - https://amzn.to/38D6NKf

"God Meant it for God" by RT Kendall - https://amzn.to/30KT5R7

Henri Nouwen "The Return of the Prodigal Son" - https://amzn.to/3liViMW

People in recovery programs

*these are affiliate links

The research:

2017 – 3 part research project – confirmands, young adults (2000+), focus groups YA

Relationships Count available for free - https://www.cph.org/p-34106-relationships-count-engaging-retaining-millennials-ebook-edition.aspx

Other research available:

Fuller Youth Institute Sticky Faith Research

https://fulleryouthinstitute.org/stickyfaith/research

Barna Trends in Youth Ministry:

https://www.barna.com/research/the-priorities-challenges-and-trends-in-youth-ministry/

Goal: Youth can name five people who walked with them.

• know their name
• know several things about them
• check in with them outside of programs

What elements make up a supportive relationship?

Retaining the relationship over time

Caring in joys and sorrows

Christ-centered example of living out faith in life

Openness to letting them walk with you through life

preparing for transitions and responding to crisis

Cloud of witness, varied perspectives

What is missing for youth and young adults if they don't have supportive relationships in their lives outside their family members?

Being seen and heard, listened to – being a mirror to the value God has for them

People to identify their gifts, skills, and passions

sacrificial love and knowledge of the truth

Bringing law and gospel to them in the most accurate way

What are some ways adults can nurture relationships with teens? How do those relationships change and grow as those teens enter young adulthood?

Champion for youth – church workers and invested lay people

Find the young people

Foster connection – find ways to maintain relationships into adulthood

Ways to keep the relationship going -

More than one touchpoint, keep coming back

Makes things special around transitions still

Re-opening mindfully with value-added

Who was there for you?

with guest Heather Ruesch

Focus:

We grow best not in meeting with God occasionally or even regularly, but in God's presence in our life always.

When was a moment you had the sense of the presence of God's Spirit?

God invites us to know His Spirit.

Psalm 139:7

What places in your life do you find it's easy to forget that God is present with you?

God invites us to know His faces, to connect with every part of His character.

Psalm 139:7

What kinds of things do you think leave people feeling like they have limited access to God?

God invites us to know eternity.

Psalm 139: 8

What phases or points in our development in this life do you notice give us a special opportunity to lean in and grow closer to God in relationship?

Find Heather here:

http://www.heatherruesch.com/

Find all the Always Growing segments on lifespan development and Psalm 139 here:

https://heidigoehmann.com/blog

with guest Heather Ruesch

Focus:

We grow not just in knowledge of God, but when we remember who God is and what He's done for us.

Which are you more comfortable with in your relationship with God:

knowledge or experiences?

God is omniscient.

Psalm 139:4

Where do you see the evidence that God knows us wholly or altogether?

God is interested. God sees the details.

Psalm 139:3

Name a Scripture story that helps you remember God has the whole plan, our whole path, before Him

God is near.

Psalm 139:5

What kinds of things in life help us remember our dependence on God?

Find Heather here:

http://www.heatherruesch.com/

Find all the Always Growing segments on lifespan development and Psalm 139 here:

https://heidigoehmann.com/blog