Series: The Families We Don't Hear About: Recovery Through Relationship

For decades, families have been told that love, support, and staying connected to a child struggling with substance use is “enabling” and that there’s only one way to help.

We don’t hear enough about families that are going against that narrative and choosing recovery through relationship instead. This is the first episode in an ongoing series meant to elevate those voices.

In this episode, Pam Lanhart shares what happened when her family stopped following the tough love narrative and started loving well instead.

Pam opens up about her own childhood trauma, the fear and chaos that took over when her son Jake began struggling with substances, and the painful ways their family initially responded. She shares how education, nervous system regulation, CRAFT, DBT skills, and a shift toward curiosity and connection transformed the way they loved their son and themselves.

This conversation explores:

• why behaviors make sense in context

• how trauma impacts parenting responses

• the hidden damage caused by labels like “addict,” “codependent,” and “enabler”

• why punitive approaches often push people deeper into substance use

• the difference between boundaries and punishment

• what healing looked like inside their family

• and how Pam found peace without regret after losing her son Jake

This is not just a family recovery story. It’s a story about relationship repair, compassion, and learning how to love well in the middle of uncertainty.

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠The truth about enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

Boundaries That Create Connection Masterclass

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/boundaries-that-create-connection-masterclass/

How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

Connect with Pam Lanhart

Thrive Family Recovery Resources

https://www.thrivefrr.org/

Together Family Recovery Documentary

https://www.togetherfamilyrecovery.com/

If you feel like your mood, energy, and entire day depend on your child’s behavior, you’re not alone. Many parents of children struggling with substance use find themselves constantly reacting, walking on eggshells, overthinking every interaction, and waiting to see what happens next before they can feel okay.

In this episode, Heather breaks down why this pattern happens and how it keeps you stuck in stress, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion. She shares how shifting out of reaction mode can help you stop taking your child’s behavior personally, set healthy boundaries, and feel more calm and in control - regardless of what your child is doing.

You’ll learn how to:

• Stop feeling at the mercy of your child’s choices

• Regulate your emotions during difficult interactions

• Show up as a more grounded consistent parent

• Create connection without losing yourself in the process

If you want practical tools to support your child and feel more in control of your own life, this episode will give you a clear place to start.

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

A New Perspective About "Enabling" - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

Reviews help parents know the podcast is worth listening to. If you want to leave a review but don't know how here is a very short video on how to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

You're Not Codependent. You're Conditioned. There's a difference.

If you've ever asked yourself :

• Why am I like this?
• Why can't I calm down?
• Why do I keep reacting when I swore I wouldn't?

Those questions have answers and they're not "you're codependent" or "you just need to detach." Actual answers that finally help you understand yourself.

What you'll hear in this episode is something most people in this space aren't saying.

The way you respond to your child's substance use isn't a character flaw. It's the predictable result of a lifetime of conditioning, biology, and a nervous system that was never taught what regulated even feels like. You were conditioned, hardwired, and set up to lose yourself long before your child ever started struggling.

You'll understand why hormones, perimenopause,being an empty nester, and a child's substance use colliding at the same time creates a perfect storm that would challenge anyone.

And you'll walk away understanding why the most powerful thing you can do for your child isn't focusing more on them - it's finally, fully understanding yourself.

Because when you do, you understand your child better and they feel that difference. Not only does it shift your relationship with them, it changes what this whole experience feels like to live through.

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

A New Perspective About "Enabling" - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

Reviews help parents know the podcast is worth listening to. If you want to leave a review but don't know how here is a very short video on how to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

There are two simple concepts that are almost never part of the conversation around parenting and substance use and when they’re ignored, the costs are huge for you, your child, and for your relationship.

In this episode I’m breaking down what those concepts actually mean and why understanding them is one of the most humanizing shifts you can make as a parent.

You’ll learn:

• Why your child may not be capable of the same things other kids their age are capable of

• How to tell the difference between when your child is refusing to do something and when they genuinely can’t

• The one question you can ask yourself to help you support your child in the way they actually need

• Why expectations that match reality don’t lower the bar - they make growth possible

If you’ve ever felt like you were missing a piece of the puzzle that would help you understand your child better - this is it.

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

Boundaries That Create Connection Masterclass

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/boundaries-that-create-connection-masterclass/

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠The truth about enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

When you’re parenting a child who’s struggling with substance use or mental health, it changes you in ways most people will never understand.

Your nervous system rewires itself around fear. Your world shrinks to monitoring, anticipating, and trying to prevent disaster. And before you even realize it, your sense of self - your identity - becomes injured by the constant crisis.

In today’s episode, we’re talking about the kind of identity injury moms go through and the healing that has to happen for you to feel like yourself again.

You’ll hear me explain:

• what identity really is

• how chronic fear reshapes your brain and sense of self

• why your identity becomes wrapped up in saving your child

• why healing your identity is different from “changing” it

• how repetition, regulation, and community help repair identity

You’ll also hear about the moment I understood that my life, my identity, and even who I thought my daughter was had been completely reshaped by crisis. And how healing began only when I accepted that I couldn’t go back… I had to integrate and rebuild.

This episode isn’t just about understanding identity injury, it’s about showing you what’s possible when you begin healing it. This is the path to becoming a Peaceful Mom. Not a perfect mom. Not a detached mom. A grounded, regulated, connected mom who leads her family from clarity instead of fear.

And if you want to experience what that feels like in real time, I’m offering 2 free Peaceful Mom group coaching calls before Christmas. Something I’ve never done before!

You can sign up at https://heatherrosscoaching.com/peaceful-mom-group-free-coaching/

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to get coached, to be in a room where you can just show up no matter how you feel, or to be surrounded by moms who are healing right alongside you this is your chance.

Come join us!

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠The truth about enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

When traditional treatment hasn’t created the changes you hoped for, it’s easy to feel like there’s nowhere left to turn. In this episode, Jeremy French -founder of Making Whole -offers a completely different way of seeing substance use and what people actually need for recovery and a meaningful life.

In this episode, we explore:

• How substance use becomes a powerful solution because it temporarily solves real problems - and how that solution eventually shrinks a person’s world and limits their ability to live, grow, and function.
• The missing piece in the treatment world: very few places help people build the everyday skills, confidence, and problem-solving needed for real life. Making Whole fills that gap with an apprenticeship model where change happens through real work, real responsibility, and a supportive environment.
• Why real-life experience, individualized support, and authentic human connection create more lasting change than rigid, one-size-fits-all treatment models.

If you’ve been searching for a clearer, more human understanding of recovery and a program that sees the whole person, not just the substance use, you’ll find this conversation eye-opening and hopeful.

Listen to Jeremy’s first episode:

https://spotifycreators-web.app.link/e/nmXFafnEFYb

Contact Jeremy French at Making Whole

https://makingwhole.com/

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠The truth about enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

We all start out with dreams for our kids — who they’ll be, what their lives will look like, and how it will feel to be their parent. But when it doesn't turn out anything like we expected, fear kicks in.

Maybe your child is struggling with substances, their mental health, or their identity.

Maybe they’ve made choices that scare you, or revealed parts of themselves that challenge everything you thought you knew.

When that happens, it can feel like the ground beneath you gives way. The future you imagined disappears, and you’re left wondering how to love your child — and yourself — in a world that suddenly looks unrecognizable.

In this deeply moving conversation, Heather talks with Meagan Skidmore, author of TransparentSEE: How I Learned to See Through My Journey as a Parent of a Transgender Kiddo.

When Meagan’s child came out as transgender, it shook her beliefs about love, faith, and family — and became the catalyst for profound personal growth.

Together, Heather and Meagan explore what happens when your heart breaks open — and how love, curiosity, and acceptance can rebuild what fear once tried to destroy.

They talk about:

• The moment you realize your child’s life won’t follow the script you wrote
• How to confront the fear and grief that come with shattered expectations
• Why “whole love” — not perfect love — is what heals relationships
• The difference between fixing your child and truly seeing them
• How letting go of the need for certainty can lead to deeper peace and connection

Whether your child’s struggle is with substances, identity, or something else entirely, this conversation will remind you:

You’re not alone. And even when life doesn’t go as planned, you can still find peace — by loving the child you have for who they are, not who you imagined they'd be.

Contact Meagan or purchase her book:

https://meaganskidmorecoaching.com/media-page/

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠The truth about enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

Boundaries That Create Connection Masterclass

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/boundaries-that-create-connection-masterclass/

How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

When we say “justice,” do we mean punishment - or safety, dignity, and repair?

In this episode, advocate Susan Ousterman joins Heather to rethink what justice looks like in the overdose crisis. Drawing from lived experience and years of policy work, Susan explains how criminalization fuels stigma, why harsher penalties (including drug-induced homicide laws) backfire, and how they even undercut Good Samaritan protections. Together, we trace the real barriers families face including insurance denials, short detox stays, patchwork care, and outline what actually saves lives: non-discriminatory, evidence-based treatment, harm reduction, and policies rooted in compassion rather than fear. If you’ve ever been told that “tougher laws” are the answer, this conversation offers a different perspective.

Connect with Susan:

https://www.vilomahfoundation.com/

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠The truth about enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

What happens when compassion, science, and family come together to reshape the way we understand addiction?

In this powerful episode, I talk with Dr. Carrie Wilkens co-founder of the Center for Motivation and Change (CMC) and co-author of Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.

We talk about the origins of CMC and how that created a blueprint that challenged the “tough love” approach so many families have been told is their only option. Together, we explore what has changed in addiction science over the past decade, what remains misunderstood, and how kindness continues to transform lives.

You’ll hear us dig into:

• What’s new in the 10th Anniversary Edition of Beyond Addiction—and how the science has evolved in the last decade.

• Why relapse doesn’t erase progress and how parents can reframe it in ways that bring more peace of mind.

• The harmful oversimplification of “choice” in addiction and how to think about it in a more accurate and compassionate way.

• How parents can move beyond the paralyzing fear of “enabling” and make decisions that truly serve their family.

This is a conversation filled with wisdom, validation, and forward-looking hope for families who want a different path. One based on connection, science, and love.

CMC Resources and Links:

Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change (10th Anniversary Edition) https://cmcffc.org/resources/books-and-workbooks

Support the Center for Motivation and Change: https://motivationandchange.com https://cmcffc.org/ways-to-give

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠The truth about enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

Boundaries That Create Connection Masterclass

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/boundaries-that-create-connection-masterclass/

How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

Heather talks with author Jackie Jackson about her new book, Holistic Trauma Healing: Strategies to Integrate the Body, Mind, and Spirit. Jackie shares her personal journey and what she’s learned about healing beyond traditional approaches and integrating different healing modalities.

You’ll hear:

• How trauma shows up in everyday ways like anxiety, people-pleasing, and exhaustion.

• Why healing the body is just as important as healing the mind.

• What post-traumatic growth and emotional resilience can look like.

This conversation is both heartfelt and practical, offering encouragement, wisdom, and gentle guidance for anyone navigating their own path of healing.

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠The truth about enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

Connect with Jackie

Website: jacquelinejackson.net

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0738779555

Download her free parent guide

https://www.jacquelinejackson.net/podcast-landing-page