Living While Loving Your Child Through Addiction

Rock bottom is a high-risk gamble - not a reliable recovery plan.

Families are often told that a person must experience enough pain and loss before they will become willing to change. But substance use disorder itself involves continuing to use despite serious negative consequences - so why would more consequences alone reliably create recovery?

In this episode, Heather explores research suggesting that turning points are not simply caused by external losses. They happen through an internal conflict between how someone is living and who they believe they are - or want to become. She also shares a painful experience with her daughter, Helanna, that changed how she understands tough love and natural consequences.

You’ll learn the difference between natural consequences and punishment, why safety and capability matter, and how CRAFT combines natural consequences with connection, positive reinforcement, loving boundaries, and self-care.

This episode offers a more compassionate and practical path: stop making pain the plan and begin using your connection and influence to create more possibility for change.

In This Episode

• Why rock bottom is not a dependable path to addiction recovery
• What research suggests about psychological turning points, identity, and values
• How shame and perceived powerlessness can become barriers to change
• The difference between natural consequences and punishment
• Why capability, safety, values, and the parent’s limits all matter
• How CRAFT uses connection, positive reinforcement, and influence to support change
• How to care for yourself without turning away from your child

A Quote Worth Remembering

“When we treat someone with dignity, love, and respect, we create more possibility for them to see themselves as worthy of a different life.”

Key Takeaways

• Natural consequences are cause and effect; punishment is pain imposed with the intention of forcing change.
• CRAFT does not require parents to allow every possible consequence. Decisions should account for safety, capability, values, and what each person can realistically provide.
• More pain does not automatically create more readiness. Shame, distress, and loss of control can interfere with a person’s ability to weigh choices and move toward change.
• Connection, dignity, encouragement, and opportunities to experience capability can help strengthen a person’s positive identity.
• Parents cannot control recovery, but they are not powerless. They can build connection and influence while caring for themselves in sustainable ways.

Resources Mentioned

CRAFT – Community Reinforcement and Family Training

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

The Peaceful Mom Blueprint

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/5-day-peaceful-mom-blueprint-experience/

A New Perspective About Enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

What happens when everything you've been told to do isn't working?

For years, Kelly believed she had to be the strong parent who held firm boundaries, enforced consequences, and tried to control her son's substance use. The harder she tried, the more he retreated and hid.

Everything changed when Kelly discovered CRAFT and began learning a science-based, compassionate approach to addiction. Instead of trying to control her son's choices, she learned how to change the way she responded, which transformed their relationship.

Today, when her son recognizes he's entering a difficult season or feels vulnerable to a recurrence of use, he doesn't hide it. He calls his mom.

Kelly shares how healing her own nervous system, letting go of perfection, and focusing on connection instead of control helped create a relationship built on trust rather than fear.

She also talks about the importance of harm reduction, why parents' health matters just as much as their child's recovery, and how learning to recognize progress instead of perfection changed everything for both of them.

Whether your loved one is actively using substances, in treatment, in recovery, or somewhere in between, this episode offers hope that your relationship can become one of the most powerful resources in your family's recovery journey.

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In This Episode

• Why trying to control a loved one's substance use often backfires

• How CRAFT helped Kelly become a safe person her son could call

• The difference between focusing on relapse and recognizing progress

• Healing your own nervous system while your child is struggling

• Why harm reduction made more sense than perfection

• Kelly's family's experience with ibogaine treatment

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A Quote Worth Remembering

"I look for progress, not perfection."

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Key Takeaways

• Trying harder to control your child may unintentionally push them further away.

• Healing yourself isn't selfish - it creates safety for your entire family.

• Recovery is a journey, not a single event, and setbacks don't erase progress.

• Parents don't have to choose between enabling and abandoning their child.

• When loved ones feel emotionally safe, they're more likely to reach out before a crisis instead of after one.

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Resources Mentioned

• CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training)

• Allies in Recovery

• Harm Reduction

• Moms for All Paths to Recovery

• Other Parents Like Me

• Therapeutic boarding schools

• Ibogaine treatment

• Nervous system regulation

• Meditation and breathwork

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About the Recovery Through Relationship Series

For decades, families have been told that love, support, and staying connected to a child struggling with substance use is enabling - and that tough love is the only path to recovery.

The Recovery Through Relationship series shares a different perspective through honest conversations with parents whose relationships became a powerful part of their family's healing. While every recovery journey is different, these stories offer hope, practical wisdom, and evidence that connection can create opportunities for change.

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Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

A New Perspective About "Enabling" - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

Reviews help parents know the podcast is worth listening to. If you want to leave a review but don't know how here is a very short video on how to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

What do you do when your child has been to treatment over 30 times and nothing seems to work?

Many parents eventually lose hope because they're exhausted, terrified, and have been told that tough love is the only answer.

In this episode of the Recovery Through Relationship series, Heather talks with Sheree Stillwell, whose son struggled with substance use disorder for more than twenty years. During that time he experienced homelessness, repeated treatment attempts, trauma, relapse, and years of uncertainty. Through it all, Sheree discovered an approach that transformed not only her relationship with her son, but her own life.

Instead of trying harder to control him, she learned how to become a safe person he could call when he was struggling.

Today, both mother and son describe themselves as being in recovery.

This conversation is a powerful reminder that recovery doesn't always happen on a straight timeline and that healing can begin long before everything looks the way we hoped it would.

Whether your loved one is actively using substances, in treatment, in recovery, or somewhere in between, this episode offers hope, compassion, and practical wisdom for families navigating addiction.

In This Episode

• Why traditional "tough love" advice never felt right to Sheree
• The emotional toll addiction takes on parents and families
• How CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) and Invitation to Change transformed her relationship with her son
• Why changing herself, not trying to fix her son, became the turning point
• The role of trauma in substance use disorder and why asking "What happened?" changes everything
• How harm reduction helped keep her son alive long enough for recovery to become possible
• Why recovery after multiple relapses and treatment attempts is still possible

A Quote Worth Remembering

"Mom, through everything, you were the only person I knew would always be there."

Key Takeaways

• Recovery rarely follows the timeline we expect.
• Parents don't have to choose between enabling and abandoning their child. There is another path, one built on compassion, connection, healthy boundaries, and evidence-based approaches.
• When parents begin healing themselves, relationships often begin to change as well.
• Hope doesn't have an expiration date.

Resources Mentioned

• CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training)

• Invitation to Change

• Motivational Interviewing

• Harm Reduction

• Families Recover Together (online family support community)

• Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Illinois

About the Recovery Through Relationship Series

For decades, families have been told that love, support, and staying connected to a child struggling with substance use is enabling, and that tough love is the only path to recovery.

The Recovery Through Relationship series shares a different perspective through honest conversations with parents whose relationships became a powerful part of their family's healing. While every recovery journey is different, these stories offer hope, practical wisdom, and evidence that connection can create opportunities for change.

Resources from Sheree Stillwell

Families United Overcoming Addiction & Families Recover Together Support Group

https://www.facebook.com/share/g/18xpw9vYzs/

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Illinois (GRGIL)

https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1bymGgR9N8/

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠The truth about enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

This episode is part of series - The Families We Don't Hear About: Recovery Through Relationship. Elevating the stories of families who chose connection over tough love.

Paula Brown-Stumpf spent years feeling like nothing she was doing was working - and a phone call with her son ended in a fight that cut off their relationship entirely.

What she did next is why you want to hear her story. Instead of waiting and hoping, Paula got to work. She found a therapist, started her own support group when she couldn't find one that fit, and trained in Invitation to Change, CRAFT, and Motivational Interviewing — collecting skills, she says, for when her son came back. Not if.

When she got the chance, she showed up completely differently. She followed her own values and logic and made decisions that go against everything families are typically told to do. Her relationship with her son today is proof that connection, not control, is what actually works.

This episode is for any parent who feels like nothing they're doing is making a difference - and needs to hear that the work you do on yourself matters more than you know.

Paula Brown-Stumpf facilitates SMART Recovery Family & Friends and Invitation to Change support groups.

Paula’s website: https://recoverycoachinganewperspective.com/

Directories: https://cmcffc.org/ and : https://helpingfamilieshelp.com/

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

A New Perspective About Enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

Have you ever thought, "I've tried everything and nothing works?"

If you're parenting a child struggling with addiction, that belief probably feels true.

You've read books. Listened to podcasts. Gone to meetings. Tried boundaries, consequences, conversations, and prayers. Yet nothing seems to create lasting change.

In this episode, Heather explores three powerful forces that quietly keep families stuck:

• Stigma and isolation

• The belief that you've already tried everything

• The idea that your child must change before your life can get better

Heather explains how these beliefs reinforce each other, creating a cycle of hopelessness and powerlessness that affects both parents and children.

Drawing from her own experience as a mother and recovery coach, she shares why many parents get stuck as they're trying to navigate an incredibly difficult situation without the support, perspective, and skills needed to sustain change.

You'll also learn:

• How addiction stigma affects both parents and children

• How isolation makes change harder

• Why small improvements matter more than dramatic breakthroughs

• The science behind how a parent's emotional regulation influences relationships

• What CRAFT and Invitation to Change teach about family influence

• Why your life can improve even before your child changes

If you've been carrying guilt, shame, or the feeling that you've exhausted every option, this episode offers a different perspective.

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

A New Perspective About Enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

Your ReviewMatters! How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

Series: The Families We Don't Hear About: Recovery Through Relationship

For decades, families have been told that love, support, and staying connected to a child struggling with substance use is “enabling” and that there’s only one way to help.

We don’t hear enough about families that are going against that narrative and choosing recovery through relationship instead. This is the first episode in an ongoing series meant to elevate those voices.

In this episode, Pam Lanhart shares what happened when her family stopped following the tough love narrative and started loving well instead.

Pam opens up about her own childhood trauma, the fear and chaos that took over when her son Jake began struggling with substances, and the painful ways their family initially responded. She shares how education, nervous system regulation, CRAFT, DBT skills, and a shift toward curiosity and connection transformed the way they loved their son and themselves.

This conversation explores:

• why behaviors make sense in context

• how trauma impacts parenting responses

• the hidden damage caused by labels like “addict,” “codependent,” and “enabler”

• why punitive approaches often push people deeper into substance use

• the difference between boundaries and punishment

• what healing looked like inside their family

• and how Pam found peace without regret after losing her son Jake

This is not just a family recovery story. It’s a story about relationship repair, compassion, and learning how to love well in the middle of uncertainty.

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠The truth about enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

Boundaries That Create Connection Masterclass

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/boundaries-that-create-connection-masterclass/

How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

Connect with Pam Lanhart

Thrive Family Recovery Resources

https://www.thrivefrr.org/

Together Family Recovery Documentary

https://www.togetherfamilyrecovery.com/

If you feel like your mood, energy, and entire day depend on your child’s behavior, you’re not alone. Many parents of children struggling with substance use find themselves constantly reacting, walking on eggshells, overthinking every interaction, and waiting to see what happens next before they can feel okay.

In this episode, Heather breaks down why this pattern happens and how it keeps you stuck in stress, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion. She shares how shifting out of reaction mode can help you stop taking your child’s behavior personally, set healthy boundaries, and feel more calm and in control - regardless of what your child is doing.

You’ll learn how to:

• Stop feeling at the mercy of your child’s choices

• Regulate your emotions during difficult interactions

• Show up as a more grounded consistent parent

• Create connection without losing yourself in the process

If you want practical tools to support your child and feel more in control of your own life, this episode will give you a clear place to start.

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

A New Perspective About "Enabling" - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

Reviews help parents know the podcast is worth listening to. If you want to leave a review but don't know how here is a very short video on how to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

You're Not Codependent. You're Conditioned. There's a difference.

If you've ever asked yourself :

• Why am I like this?
• Why can't I calm down?
• Why do I keep reacting when I swore I wouldn't?

Those questions have answers and they're not "you're codependent" or "you just need to detach." Actual answers that finally help you understand yourself.

What you'll hear in this episode is something most people in this space aren't saying.

The way you respond to your child's substance use isn't a character flaw. It's the predictable result of a lifetime of conditioning, biology, and a nervous system that was never taught what regulated even feels like. You were conditioned, hardwired, and set up to lose yourself long before your child ever started struggling.

You'll understand why hormones, perimenopause,being an empty nester, and a child's substance use colliding at the same time creates a perfect storm that would challenge anyone.

And you'll walk away understanding why the most powerful thing you can do for your child isn't focusing more on them - it's finally, fully understanding yourself.

Because when you do, you understand your child better and they feel that difference. Not only does it shift your relationship with them, it changes what this whole experience feels like to live through.

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

A New Perspective About "Enabling" - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

Reviews help parents know the podcast is worth listening to. If you want to leave a review but don't know how here is a very short video on how to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

There are two simple concepts that are almost never part of the conversation around parenting and substance use and when they’re ignored, the costs are huge for you, your child, and for your relationship.

In this episode I’m breaking down what those concepts actually mean and why understanding them is one of the most humanizing shifts you can make as a parent.

You’ll learn:

• Why your child may not be capable of the same things other kids their age are capable of

• How to tell the difference between when your child is refusing to do something and when they genuinely can’t

• The one question you can ask yourself to help you support your child in the way they actually need

• Why expectations that match reality don’t lower the bar - they make growth possible

If you’ve ever felt like you were missing a piece of the puzzle that would help you understand your child better - this is it.

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

Boundaries That Create Connection Masterclass

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/boundaries-that-create-connection-masterclass/

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠The truth about enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E

When you’re parenting a child who’s struggling with substance use or mental health, it changes you in ways most people will never understand.

Your nervous system rewires itself around fear. Your world shrinks to monitoring, anticipating, and trying to prevent disaster. And before you even realize it, your sense of self - your identity - becomes injured by the constant crisis.

In today’s episode, we’re talking about the kind of identity injury moms go through and the healing that has to happen for you to feel like yourself again.

You’ll hear me explain:

• what identity really is

• how chronic fear reshapes your brain and sense of self

• why your identity becomes wrapped up in saving your child

• why healing your identity is different from “changing” it

• how repetition, regulation, and community help repair identity

You’ll also hear about the moment I understood that my life, my identity, and even who I thought my daughter was had been completely reshaped by crisis. And how healing began only when I accepted that I couldn’t go back… I had to integrate and rebuild.

This episode isn’t just about understanding identity injury, it’s about showing you what’s possible when you begin healing it. This is the path to becoming a Peaceful Mom. Not a perfect mom. Not a detached mom. A grounded, regulated, connected mom who leads her family from clarity instead of fear.

And if you want to experience what that feels like in real time, I’m offering 2 free Peaceful Mom group coaching calls before Christmas. Something I’ve never done before!

You can sign up at https://heatherrosscoaching.com/peaceful-mom-group-free-coaching/

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to get coached, to be in a room where you can just show up no matter how you feel, or to be surrounded by moms who are healing right alongside you this is your chance.

Come join us!

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

If you want answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with Heather using the link below.

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠The truth about enabling - If you've ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you!

https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

How to leave a podcast review

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5xkPZM8mj-E