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We've said it before and yes, we WILL say it again. It's tiring, exhausting, wearying and grueling to be a parent of young children. Yes, we love our children dearly but the truth is that being the cook, cleaner, playmate, emotional hanky, leader, planner, discipliner, driver, butt-wiper and countless other roles every day to mentally-not-all-there little persons is an immense grind - harder than any other job we've had.

Maybe we say "I'm tired" once and we feel "bad" about saying it again but guess what... we are still tired and what's more, we're tired of being tired. In this episode, we break down the many sources of our tiredness (it's physical, yes but also mental, emotional, existential) and the strategies we are using to try to replenish our energies (with no judgment :p)

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In this episode, we take a beat to reflect on the idiocies, prejudices, uninformed judgmentalism that plagued our pre-kid lives. As pre-kid women, we scoffed at separate meals for kids. We raised our eyebrows at lengthy bedtime routines. We asked a honestly-confused-but-also-slightly-judgmental "why?" when mom friends and acquaintances appeared to dial down their careers. Well folks, after 22 collective parenting years across the three of us, we REPENT! We are sorry, we apologize, we beg for forgiveness.

If you have kids, you may be able to sympathize. If you don't, please listen now so we can save you from the ignorant shame we happily pranced in.

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**********************In this episode, we welcome author Yiming Ma whose debut novel These Memories Do Not Belong To Us was just released this past August. Set in a dystopian future where memories are traded like commodities and the world's political order looks very different, Yiming's novel explores the idea of collective memory, when to choose survival over resistance and what happens when a marginalized experience becomes central. It was a pleasure to have the opportunity to speak to the author himself and in true MMM fashion, ask him all the questions about what makes him tick.

Check out YiMing's debut novel and website below:

These Memories Do Not Belong To US

https://www.yiming-ma.com/

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On this episode, we get down to the nuts and bolts of what happens to your stuff and kids after you die. Yes, we are getting into that thing that's on every parent's to-do list but somehow keeps on slipping down to the bottom: Estate Planning. :)

We brought on Jenny Ling, who is founder and head of The Law Offices of Jenny Ling which has won a number of awards for their work in estate planning in the Pacific Northwest. We asked her all the questions you may be thinking but were afraid to ask: Is a will enough? Are trusts only for the uber wealthy? How will someone actually find all my accounts after I die? How do I convince my parents to do their estate planning? ... And we hear of some horror cases that she's seen to help motivate you to finally take action on this :)

Important notes:

- Since this episode was recorded, the Washington State Estate Tax laws have changed. The new law went into effect this month. Instead of the estate tax exemption being 2.193 million, it is now 3 million with a tax rate of 10-35%

- As always, when we bring legal, medical or other experts on the show, everything we say on the episode is entirely informational and should not be construed as advice for your specific situation. Always seek out a qualified professional for your specific context and goals.

**Special note to our listeners**

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The final final episode of our Going on 40 series... we promise! Some of the TLDRs are below but you'll have to listen to the episode to get the commentary on Havenese farms, how Susan will become a media mogul-politician-cult-leader-pleasure seeker by 50 and whether we will be wearing Skechers or Hokas by then.

- How we viewed and experienced our parents set the default for our other relationships with adults and authority figures.

- How living a life true to yourself is easier said than done but will ultimately lead to more gratification and less regret later.

- In life and work, realizing what "game" you're playing is important and also recognizing that there are many different kinds of games in life and you have some choice in the matter.

- Your body and emotions send you important messages. If you spend your life suppressing them, they will catch up with you sooner or later.

- Sometimes, letting go of an issue you're struggling with is the only way out! See: Susan's thoughts on body image.

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Now that we've all officially turned 40, we're wrapping up this series by reflecting on the lessons we've learned. Here's the TLDR of Part 1 (but of course, you'll have to listen to get the juicy bits :p ).

Relationships (romantic relationships and friendships):

- If someone doesn't treat you well in a relationship, the cause is roughly as likely to be their own baggage as it is yours.

- Sometimes you're attracted to someone for the wrong reasons (you're projecting your issues on them, you want to "save" them)

- Working on yourself and pursuing the things you want and love are probably the best path to finding a good partner.

- At some point in a romantic relationship, you might want to get the Eight Dates book by Gottman and have those critical conversations before investing further.

- It's ok if not everyone likes you. You can (and probably should) consider their perspectives but you don't have to be a slave to them.

- Boundaries can be a form of care for yourself and others in that they keep relationships sustainable. They acknowledge that everyone has limits.

- Sometimes, when you see people struggling, they may not want or need a "fix" at that time. They may need someone to just be with them, listen to them or give them space.

Career and work outside of family:

- Try to get more clarity early on in your real interests, goals and motivations.

- A sizeable chunk of career decisions and issues (risk taking, financial considerations, building relationships with peers and senior people) may be traced back to your personal issues.

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When you're a high-achieving 22 year old coming out of college, you have all kinds of assumptions about your future work life that you don't even know. You think you will follow your passions (because, of course you know what they are). You will make tons of money (because that just automatically happens to everyone who goes to a great school). You will always be able to devote yourself to your work (because you know, kids don't need any of your time, energy and attention). You and your partner will always agree on how income-earning responsibilities, family responsibilities, and your personal preferences should balance out (because there's a simple equation for that - didn't you know?)

In this 2-part episode, we unpack our reflections about our work life at 40, what we did, why we think we did what we did, what we regret, what surprised us, what we learned and how we are looking forward.

**Special note to our listeners**

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**********************************

When you're a high-achieving 22 year old coming out of college, you have all kinds of assumptions about your future work life that you don't even know. You think you will follow your passions (because, of course you know what they are). You will make tons of money (because that just automatically happens to everyone who goes to a great school). You will always be able to devote yourself to your work (because you know, kids don't need any of your time, energy and attention). You and your partner will always agree on how income-earning responsibilities, family responsibilities, and your personal preferences should balance out (because there's a simple equation for that - didn't you know?)

In this 2-part episode, we unpack our reflections about our work life at 40, what we did, why we think we did what we did, what we regret, what surprised us, what we learned and how we are looking forward.

**Special note to our listeners**

Love the show? Help us keep the conversation going! Become a paid subscriber through our ⁠⁠⁠⁠Substack. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Your contributions help us continue to make content on issues related to the Asian-American, immigrant, modern parent experience.

THANK YOU to our super awesome listeners who have already signed up!

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Peeing yourself. Hair loss. Boob deflation. Hokas. Turning grey. To Spanx or not to spanx? Yeah we're not spring chickens anymore but we're also not.... quite... old? We give the real talk on what's going on with our bodies as we hit 40... the weird, the beautiful, the ugly, the contradictory and the funny... in true MMM fashion.

**Special note to our listeners**

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One learning from getting older is that you realize that just because people age, doesn't mean they continue to mature or evolve. This can be especially true for issues tied to our families of origin. We might be 14, 40 or 80 but when those old dynamics are triggered, we can be right back where we were as a kid, being shamed, scared, alone and we revert back to old coping behaviors. In this episode, we talk through where we are with our families of origin and how it has (or hasn't changed) in the last 20 years.