No Crying In Baseball

Is it drafty in here? Pottymouth 1) overviews the MLB draft process in which >1200 high school and college boys get a shot at their dreams, 2) plays the tiny violins for the Orioles yet again, and 3) explains why this is the week Dallas Keuchel and Craig Kimbrel will finally get signed.

Patti goes on a rant just this side of PG-13 about protective netting. Yet another child was sent to the hospital after being struck by a 90 mph line drive foul ball. Tragic, and easily preventable. Stop blaming victims and call your team, and the league, and demand foul pole to foul pole netting. 

Odubel Herrera joins the Never Gonna Be a Boyfriend list with last week’s arrest for assault. MLB is investigating, fans are weighing in, and the Phillies will need to decide whether or not to eat the $24 million dollars remaining on his contract. Hello, Jay Bruce.

Patti apologizes to the Minnesota Twins early and often as she and the Pottymouth check in on their pre-season predictions. The long game is paying off with their division picks, but individual awards are, um, not in the ballpark. And the Twins are everywhere. We see you now, and are deeply sorry for not paying attention sooner.

Also: Vote 5x a day in the All Star Primary, and don’t miss the one day Starter Election. RIP Bill Buckner. Please stop beaning Tim Anderson.

It’s Pride Month. Go to a Night Out game. We are.

Former President Barack Obama hits a first-pitch double, completes a touchdown pass, buys organic produce and recognizes greatness in the children attending after-school programs at the Nationals Baseball Academy. Damn, he sets the Baseball Boyfriend bar high. 

Christian Yelich cross-trains hard, attending a Milwaukee Bucks game with some Green Bay Packers and chugging arena beer like a native son. Josh Bell is hitting homers hard and often. Patti’s Phillies BF Jean Segura went 16 games into a hit streak. She does like them reliable. David “baby” Dahl of the Rockies is Pottymouth’s only boyfriend to crack the top 20 for batting average, which may explain her current fantasy league standings.

Mike Yaztremski and Cavan Biggio both debuted this week, continuing family legacies and making some Hall of Famers proud.

The Baltimore Orioles are part of home run history three different ways this week. None of them good. See Gleyber Torres, Nolan Arenado, and the 2000 Kansas City Royals.

Pottymouth leads the Baseball Math segment (you read that right) by proposing we rename the 10 and 60 day ILs into Short Term and Long Term injury lists. Why? Because the numbers don’t mean what you think they mean.

Lastly, Patti checks in on progress with the Shred Hate anti-bullying program co-sponsored by MLB, XGames, and ESPN. There seems to be a glaring lack of curriculum around the bullying of LGBTQ kids, and the guys that are leading by example may be worth re-examining. 

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Today’s baseball math includes Victor Robles + Matt Grace = Patti, and Patti + Matt Grace = Gerardo Parra. Yes, it is a birthday / no GoT spoilers show. Matt Olson proves the hamate is the appendix of the hand. Leonys Martin says thank you and Ian Kinsler says F-you, much to Pottymouth’s delight. SI typecasts Patti, with Jason Heyward on her fantasy team. Your hosts propose expanding “hit for the cycle” to include mathematical and wildcard cycles. We celebrate Diamilette Quiles as she breaks the glass diamond (still working on the metaphor) to play on the highest level men’s team in Puerto Rico. We close with highlights from the Q&A following Cami Kidder’s premiere showing of Throw Like A Girl.

Where was Michael Brantley when Patti had a flat tire? Turns out he was rescuing other strangers in distress closer to Minute Maid Park, as boyfriends do. Pottymouth’s old Dodger BF Kiké Hernandez works some magic for her new BF Justin Turner. Addison Frickin’ Russell is back. The Panda = Mudcat+Bees. Albert Pujols historic RBI mark set off a new set of NCIB Rules, this time on catching baseballs in the stands. Gerardo Parra announces his arrival with the Nats with sexy defense and a slam. In part 2 of our interview with Jenn Rubenstein of Queer Fancy Stats, we discuss LGBTQ Nights Out at Ballparks, why they are important, and who does them right.

Patti and the Pottymouth welcome Jenn Rubenstein of @QueerFancyStats to talk using gmLI, wOBA, and spreadsheets in the service of good. Through Jenn, the mad baseball skills of MLB homophobes generate donations to local LGBTQ organizations, as do successes of exemplary community leaders like National’s closer Sean Doolittle. This week’s cross-training segment looks at gender, and gender equity, from court decisions about Olympian Caster Semenya’s testosterone level to the #forthegame movement in women’s professional hockey. Pottymouth takes a Cinco de Mayo visit to the Angels/Astros Mexico Series, C.C. Sabathia channels his inner (and outer) Yoda, and El Wombo should expect a call from the Commish.

Two #1 prospects got the call this past weekend and Vladimir Guerrero, Jr. and Carter Kieboom did NOT disappoint. The Youthquake hit Nats Park as Juan Soto and Victor Robles joined Kieboom in homering in the same game, making history. Patti and the Pottymouth check in on their predictions a month in, and learn they are Not Good At This and perhaps should have thought about Cody Bellinger some more. In the occasional NCiB rules segment, we offer helpful hints on dressing for ballgames, home and away, compulsory rally caps, and some “because we care” mom tips. Our newest best friend, Kristen Atwell, GM of the Greeneville Reds, impresses us so much that the DC-Tennessee commute suddenly seems reasonable.  For those keeping score, we’ve moved on from cattle to cats.

Patti and The Pottymouth set up the context around the Tim Anderson fracas/ruckus/bruhaha. Can’t ignore that he’s the only African-American player on the White Sox. Shockingly, we come out on the side of Kids Today, and agreeing with Trevor Bauer. We welcome very special guest Emily Jaenson, General Manager of the Reno Aces, who tells us what it takes to run a Triple A affiliate. By the end of the show, our to-do list includes shopping for “Los Corazones de Reno” swag, calling Southwest Airlines, contacting MLB with a demand to see the spreadsheet listing perceived infractions and their consequences, and writing Yahoo!Sports to ask why they are still using “DL.”

Trevor Rosenthal records three outs and Chris Davis has a three hit game, and all the best memes are over. It turns out that Ozzie Albies’ team-friendly extension is not just about his choices, but the ripple effect changes how other players are valued. Patti and Pottymouth have a friendly homerun smackdown over their picks for National League RoY, Pete Alonzo and Fernado Tatis, Jr, respectively. Pottymouth provides a rundown on the Trailblazer Series, where MLB is actively encouraging girls to play baseball. Patti follows up last week’s Booing Rules with a helpful Catcall Corollary. And it is up to you to guess which host assigned cross-training homework and which one said “shotski.” Tough one. 

Patti comes This Close to swearing like a sailor when Trump calls off MLB’s agreement with Cuba. Boyfriend Ronald Acuña, Jr. signs a deal for life-changing money, Christian Yelich becomes a spokesmodel for good in the world, and David Price wants to see Mookie Betts’ face everywhere. This week’s baseball math takes us to infinity and beyond with Trevor Rosenthal’s impossible ERA. Yasiel Puig clears the benches, fuels the fracas, and re-ups the ruckus. Not sure when it is permissible to boo? We’ve got you covered.  Betsy Haugh, General Manager of the Pulaski Yankees, tells us of her path to leadership in MiLB, the importance of women mentoring other women in front office gigs, and the advanced rookie league promotion not to be missed. Hint: it involves Pets or Meat, and a field trip. Pottymouth has a backyard and Patti has a freezer.

Pottymouth has the power to break up no-hitters while eating pizza, but Patti can’t get out of walk-up music hell. Christian Yelich just keeps hitting home runs, Yandy Diaz doesn’t need no stinkin’ launch angle, and catcher Russell Martin pitches a 1-2-3 inning for the Dodgers. Did Patti put him in the wrong category in the Fantasy Boyfriend League? Your hosts offer their playoff and award predictions. Surprising no one, Pottymouth says “Red Sox” a lot, but not as much as Patti says “math” and “science.” Finally, we meet almost-12 yr old Shalvah Lazarus, from DC Girls Baseball. If her pitching and skills at first base come anywhere near her passion and poise as an ambassador for the game, opposing teams should fear DC Force.