No Crying In Baseball

Pottymouth’s Twittertale finally makes Patti stop defending Trevor Bauer. Yasmani Grandal puts a spark to the hot stove, and Kyler Murray brings back memories of Bo Jackson and Dieon Sanders. We both abandon our initial inclination to bend the rules for Shohei Ohtani and instead select Andrelton Simmons and Justin Upton as Angels boyfriends. Pottymouth gets to flaunt her Curaçao chops and Patti gets  to say “I love Omar” and “hockey” in the same segment. Pottymouth’s pick of Juan Soto for her National’s BF is the gateway to applying for a job with the Nats as an ESOL teacher. Patti uses her “keep one boyfriend” card to double down on Nats third basemen Anthony Rendon. Without mentioning his killer smile or very strong wrists.

Today’s vocabulary word is “cazatalentos” as MLB scouts visit the Cuba finals for the first time. Nearly 200 free agents are waiting for Harper and Machado to get on with it already so they can have a turn. Both our Twins boyfriends have been suspended for drug use, PED or otherwise. Kinda Pottymouth’s wheelhouse, but Patti? Come, on! Eddie Rosario wins Pottymouth over with hurricane relief and visiting his teachers in Puerto Rico. Nelson Cruz hits the Patti trifecta with Boomsticks, firetrucks, and voter registration. Diamondback BFs have blingy, swingy pasts but have got their games in gear. Ketel Marte sends baseball equipment to the Dominican Republic. Steven Souza, Jr. never has to do anything again after saving that Jordan Zimmerman no-hitter.

CC Sabathia gets that unearned bonus and almost has a heart attack. We were THIS CLOSE in our predictions. We can’t completely shake our Dominican infielder boyfriend rut, but we add the Dad factor. For the Rangers, Pottymouth selects Yankee-killer Ronald Guzman, and Patti goes with super nice dude Scott Heineman. Closer to home, Pottymouth gets Phillies catcher Jorge Alfaro for real this time, and Patti takes newly-acquired All-Star Jean Segura, forcing her to say nice things about Robinson Cano. MLB and the Cuban Baseball Federation come to an agreement cutting out the smugglers and the peril and the defections to allow Cubans to play in the US, and players already here to go home again. Pottymouth then wanders off to watch winter baseball and Patti crosstrains with professional football. Go, Browns.

Patti and Pottymouth find a soulmate in Cami Kidder, director and producer of the upcoming documentary, “Throw Like a Girl.” Any story that starts in Red Sox fantasy camp and moves on to 11-year-old girls taking on the baseball patriarchy is okay by us. Before the interview, Patti defends Wyoming, for the first time ever, and later fesses up that Wyoming native Brandon Nimmo, that Smile Guy, is her Mets boyfriend. Luke Maile replaces Benny as her BF from the Greater Cincinnati area that plays for Not-Reds. Pottymouth formally claims Baby Piña, Lourdes Gurriel, Jr. as her Blue Jays boyfriend, in a tale that includes the 1992 Olympics, human smuggling, and great hair. She restores balance to the world with Michael “Scooter” Conforto of the Mets, by way of synchronized swimming.

Are the Diamondbacks and Mariners already tanking on purpose? Why else would Paul Goldschmidt get shipped off to St. Louis? The Nationals say thanks for Patrick Corbin, BTW. Jean Segura’s trip to the Phillies nails the Seattle coffin shut. It’s too early for this nonsense. The word of the day is “waivers.” Pottymouth turns down Brandon Dixon for the second straight week, picking Christin Gaylin Harris Stewart as her Tigers BF. She then replaces Brandon Crawford with Brandon Belt on her Giants dance card. Are you seeing this? Patti’s new Tiger’s pick, Niko Goodrum, hits the BF trifecta, and Alen Hanson is her fast and lucky Giants guy. MLB may be walking the walk of improving opportunities for women. And Cubs manager Joe Maddon says some of the right things about Addison Russell and teams taking blame and responsibility as well as credit for the actions of their players. We reflect on the tragic loss of Luis Valbuena & Jose Castillo.

Patti and the Pottymouth acknowledge the passing of former Yale Baseball Captain George Herbert Walker Bush, who earns major cred for keeping his college glove oiled and ready in a desk drawer in the Oval Office. The Mets make a monster trade for Robinson Cano, leading us to wonder about Brodie Van Wagenen’s reach. Jonathan Schoop, Billy Hamilton, and others get “non-tendered” which is one weird verb. Pottymouth activates “text-a-friend” to identify White Sox boyfriend and nonstop noise machine Yolmer Sanchez. Patti finds herself set up on a blind date with lying-with-exact-figures/power hitter Daniel Palka. Our Venezuelan infielder rut provides Reds BFs Jose Peraza and “Good Guy” Eugenio Suarez. Lastly, we cheer on Steph Curry for using his power for the good of girls and then wish we were surprised by the tone-deaf ugly of the Washington Football Team.

Big Sexy Bartolo Colon is pitching with the Eagles, which sounds like a metaphor but really we’re just waiting for him to come back from the Dominican League. Adrian Beltre achieves Boyfriend Emeritus status and we still aren’t allowed to touch his head. Jose Bautista’s bat flip inspires an entomologist and today’s baseball science segment. Big Maple James Paxton is pitching with the eagles, which sounds like a metaphor but really it’s about the Yankees and wildlife. Pottymouth introduces Alex Gordon and Fernando Tatis, Jr., and Patti presents Brian Goodwin and Jose Pirela as their Royals and Padres boyfriends.

Pottymouth’s wrap-up of the MLB All-Stars series gives her the last opportunity of 2018 to say Zoom Zoom AND Ginger Beard in the same segment (you have to see John Brebbia’s face to believe it). Patti works Red Sox and Women’s Hockey into the same sentence as Sox VP Raquel Ferreira drops the ceremonial first puck at a Boston Pride game. Recently fired Seattle Mariners exec Lorena Martin and the team are in an epic She Said/They Said over Martin’s accusations of racist and sexist actions by Mariner’s top brass. Condoleeza Rice is the subject of the best debunked Women in Professional Sports Rumor ever. It’s new boyfriend time! Pottymouth finds the O’s Jonathan Villar through both the high road (his mom!) and the low road (butt tag!). Patti arrives at Cedric Mullins through her admiration of Adam Jones and her nostalgic lead-off hitter crush on Kenny Lofton. The Marlins will be in new uniforms and new hashtags this year #ourcolores. Pottymouth phones a friend to select Miami’s Victor Victor Mesa, and Patti tentatively claims Austin Dean, as the answer to the trivia question, “Who fell victim to Max Scherzer’s 300th strikeout in 2018”

Patti and the Pottymouth give the rundown on how their boyfriends ranked in Gold Gloves, Silver Slugger (JD Martinez wins two! In one year! Stupid DH…), Wilson Defensive Player, Golden Globes, Oscars, Peoples Choice… Mookie Betts wins everything he can win. Freddy Freeman has a good showing too.

Patti sets up your themes to watch for this Hot Stove season: Qualifying offers (Mike Moustakas was teachable moment), Old Guy Free Agents, Pitching strategy. Pottymouth gets to say “Zoom Zoom” as the MLB All Stars take on the Samurai Japan and Jaun Soto can’t stop hitting the roof of the dome. Can we please have umpire cam? Female staff at MLB headquarters host women undergrads from NYU, but still no women GMs.

Pottymouth cries actual tears of joy and admiration for her Red Sox and their rookie manager, Alex Cora. Patti curls up under the stress blanket. It’s the great baseball detox of 2018. Buehler. There’s a World Series Boyfriend recap, where we admit Mookie Betts, Andrew Benintendi, Kiké Hernandez, and Matt Kemp were not the heroes, but they still did us proud. And are still a little adorable (cheers!). Everyone from the President to the LA fans throw shade at Dave Roberts, but Patti explains how it is all a big misunderstanding.  Pottymouth is having none of it. Buehler. Mr. Pottymouth offers a formula for when it is safe to go to sleep when extra innings just keep coming. Patti insists on vocabulary lessons, even in the post-series glow, so there’s Runner’s Lane Interference and Hit and Run. Buehler. And F*ck Machado is the new Jeter Hate.