No Crying In Baseball

Patti cross-trains for Opening Day by rocking her March Madness bracket. Pottymouth warms up with early morning baseball in Japan (thanks for everything, Ichiro). Fernando Tatis Jr is Johnny Hustle, but he doesn’t make the Opening Day roster. Matt Olsen was set to be Patti’s starting 1B, until he had hamate surgery. Yes, that’s a real thing. We’re all about fun facts and contract extensions this week, for superstar Mike Trout, for on-the-verge-of greatness Alex Bregman, and for Eloy “hasn’t even had a cup of coffee yet” Jimenez. Verlander and Sale also extend their stays, because what if they are Keuchel and not Corbin? Pottymouth gives a Spanish lesson around La Copa de Diversión, the “Fun Cup.” Also a thing.

Pottymouth is in Ted Williams heaven and Patti wallows at the top of the Misery Index as we kick off the St. Patti’s Day show. The Blue Jays make some excellent promises around minor league pay. Astros manager AJ Hinch wins the dubious honor of the first premature ejection of the (pre)season, Bryce Harper makes news by falling down and getting back up, and both Adam Jones and Carlos Gonzalez land safe and sound. We share our starting lineups for our Fantasy Boyfriend Baseball League and invite you to play along. We break down the new rule changes, from the big deals to the barely shrug-worthy. Season 3 of No Crying in Baseball starts with a LOOGY and a Zoom-Zoom.

Daylight Savings Time and breakfast beer render us incapable of avoiding Alex Rodriquez’s engagement to Jennifer Lopez. We send our best to Tom Seaver of the Miracle Mets. Omnivore Patti explains to vegetarian Pottymouth why it is totally reasonable for Joe Kelly to suffer back problems after staffing a five-hour crawfish boil. We raise our breakfast beer to our girl, Jessica Mendoza, on her new gig with the Mets. Pottymouth claims the Cardinals pitching squad for her Fantasy team, with specific nods to Carlos “Tsunami”  Martinez and Mike Mikolas. Patti keeps the Nationals and welcomes Patrick Corbin, Anibal Sanchez, and Trevor Rosenthal to the family. MLB Grit showcases the best of female high school baseball players. And vocabulary lessons are back with “service time.” You’ll need it when discussing the Jrs, Vlad, and Tatis.

We get past the feels to discuss the bigger picture of Bryce Harper’s record-setting agreement with the Phillies. Nolan Arenado also breaks contract records this week with his 8-year extension with the Rockies. What do these deals mean for other superstars? Ronald Guzman adopts a condor and starts a trend. Pottymouth uses her “keep one boyfriend” card on Mookie “Pookie” Betts, and Patti owes her a Jackie Wilson tutorial after selecting Jackie Bradley Jr. for her Red Sox boyfriend. There was no doubt that Pottymouth would pick Lorenzo Cain, and Patti would claim Christian Yelich as Brewer’s boyfriends. You’ve met us, right? Patti says “Magnum, P.I.” Our special guest is “El Profe” Adrian Burgos from La Vida Baseball, who has our dream job. Mostly.

Patti and the Pottymouth bask in the glow of watching our boys in the first spring training games. The dying embers of the hot stove bring us a Machado Free Agency object lesson, and a soft landing for Mike Moustakas. Predictably, Patti chooses Dr. Smooth, Michael Brantley, as her Astros boyfriend, while Pottymouth goes for young superstar Carlos Correa, of the World Series marriage proposal. Pottymouth makes Patti’s head spin by how fast she changes sides on the “stupid loser” twitterspat once she picks Kris Bryant as her Cubs guy. Patti can’t resist Cubs outfielder Jason Heyward, of the greatest rain delay weight room speech of all time, even though it broke her heart. Spring training is not long enough to get the damn pitch clock rules right.  And it is time to join our Fantasy Boyfriend Baseball League! Who’s in?

In just one episode, Pottymouth apologizes to Carlos Asuaje, C.C. Sabathia, and Francisco Cervelli, and says “interpretive dance” and “papiamentu” while Patti condones inspirational quotes and uses “Cutie Pie” in a sports context. Hell has indeed frozen over. Max Scherzer, Jake Arietta, and Christian Yelich call foul on the free agency season. Yankee Boyfriends are not an easy sell to NCiB, so Pottymouth selected a Curaçaoan with a kickass mom, Didi Gregorious, and Patti chose barely even a Yankee yet DJ LaMahieu. Over in Pittsburgh, Cervelli feels sexy and Erik Gonzalez’s passion is on fire so how could they not be our boyfriends? Our Belizean Baseball pals are back to talk coconut rum and baseball without borders.

Frank Robinson was a hero to your NCiB hosts, for Cleveland, for Baltimore, for Washington, and for Puerto Rico. RIP, Frank. MLB makes an excellent wording change. Pottymouth won’t let Patti pick a DH fight, yet. Maybe next week.  Pottymouth continues building a Curaçaoan-heavy boyfriend team with her pick of A’s shortstop Jurickson Profar.  Patti counters with Oakland’s breakout home run king Matt Olsen. Farther South in Dodgerland, Pottymouth shows generous Ginger Beard Justin Turner some love, and Patti takes advantage of the Blue Jays trade to select veteran catcher Russell Martin. Just before signing off to catch the Caribbean Series championship game, we make friends with Tony Smith and Coach Drew Tramel of the Belize Visionary Foundation of Baseball. They’ve got real passion for bringing baseball back to Belize, for kids and adults alike, and your hosts are working out how to make a site visit happen.

Patti and the Pottymouth enjoy a civilized baseball conversation just hours before the football screaming begins.
Nolan Arenado’s one year deal at the arbitration deadline sets a new record, and talks of a contract extension may save him from free agency drama.
Our hometown Nationals get props for stellar execution of the offseason, no matter what Harper decides, while many teams just don’t seem to care. Pottymouth puts the Red Sox on notice that even diehard fans like her have their limits -- wtf are they doing signing a player who was banned “for life?”
Jose Bautista’s home run ball from the most famous bat flip in history nets a fortune at auction.
Cleveland BFs include “most improved” Leonys Martin and Jose Ramirez of the small stature and big bat. Pottymouth chooses David “Baby” Dahl of the Rockies and Patti cheats a little and goes with Mark “not Matt” Reynolds, the human highlight reel from her favorite Nats game of last season. No really, he’s back with Colorado now. Are you watching the Caribbean Series yet?

A.J. Pollock signs before those other guys. The Tampa Bay Rays tell their shrinking fan base that their cash is not welcome at Tropicana Field. The Red Sox kick their White House visit further down the road. “Utility player” doesn’t mean what it used to mean, in the new world order of the shift, no ground balls, and a big fat bullpen.  In a surprising turn of events, Pottymouth picks a nice guy, Daniel Robertson, and Patti goes for Cuban defector and “most jacked player in baseball” Yandy Diaz, as their Rays BFs.  Your hosts almost flipped a coin to determine who picks Ozzie Albies (Pottymouth → Curaçao and Brazilian jumpsuits were the determining factor), and who names 2018 Rookie of the Year Ronald Acuña Jr. (Patti → Let the Kids Play!) her Braves BF.  They are practically brothers so double dating is not out of the question.  NCiB is killing it with the Winter League picks, but will Venezuelan political upheaval cancel the Caribbean Series?

In her continuing quest to encourage the watching of winter baseball, Pottymouth teaches Patti Spanish baseball words. Adam Ottavino throws shade at Babe Ruth. Will Kyler Murray listen to Deion Sanders? The hot stove has cooled so much we pay attention to a “stupid loser” spat. We forget one or two of the five tools, but Pottymouth’s Mariner’s boyfriend, Mitch Haniger, has six. Patti did not pick J.P. Crawford just because he named his dogs after Marvel superheroes, but she could have. Pottymouth selects “Big Bear” Marcell Ozuna and Patti goes with supernerd Paul DeJong as Cardinals boyfriends. Pottymouth presents her case for which teams NCIB should back in the Winter League finals, and Patti buys her impeccable logic. What could possibly go wrong?