Peaceful Exit

Don Rosenstein and Justin Yopp are both psychiatrists at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. They started a support group for widowed fathers of young kids, whose partners died from cancer. The group was supposed to meet for six sessions, but ended up meeting regularly for nearly four years. Their book, “The Group: Seven Widowed Fathers Reimagine Life,” details the participants’ experiences and the role the support group played in grieving and healing. In this interview, Don and Justin reflect on the men’s unimaginable loss, recount key conversations they had together, and share what helped the men each find a path forward. The group found solace in their very specific shared experience as widowed fathers, but the insights about grief in this interview are relevant to a much wider audience.

https://widowedparent.org/

Katy Butler is a journalist and author of two books, who spent years listening to hundreds of people’s stories of good and difficult deaths. She’s talked to countless experts in palliative care, geriatrics, hospice and oncology. Her conversations and research, paired with her own family’s story of being unable to turn off her father’s pacemaker at the end of his life, come together in her deeply practical and existential book, The Art of Dying Well: A Practical Guide to a Good End of Life. In this episode, Katy shares what she learned from each of her parents’ deaths, what she wants at the end of her life, what the research says most people want in their final chapters, and some specific and tangible advice for how to get there.

Lynne Twist is a globally recognized philanthropist and author of two books, including “The Soul of Money: Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Life.” Death and money are two of the most difficult subjects to talk about with our loved ones. With Lynne's years of experience working with people of many different cultures, she shares a deep understanding of the role money plays in our lives. Lynne talks about money as a tool for peace in alignment with our values, and what to do with it when we die. There’s no right, one-size-fits-all answer, but we provide a roadmap of some of the questions we should ask ourselves, the decisions that must be made, and how to get started.

Dr. Edward Creagan spent four decades at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, working as a cancer specialist and then helping to develop the Mayo Clinic’s palliative care program. In his book and our conversation, Dr. Creagan shares his deep knowledge about how to navigate the medical system with refreshing honesty. He embodies a human-centered approach to medical care that focuses on quality of life and recognizes each person’s priorities and desires.

In our holiday episode, we’re highlighting some of my favorite conversations from this year, in hopes that you hear what you need. The holiday season can be a hard one for many of us, for so many different reasons. We revisit conversations about ritual, everyday awe, talking about end of life wishes with family, love and saying goodbye, and even the most recent science that explains how our brain works. If you need soothing words or something to talk about at the dinner table, we’ve got you covered.

If you’ve ever felt like you needed permission to grieve, or your grief just wasn’t understood by others, this book and this episode is for you. In her first book, The Dead Are Gods, Eirinie Carson opens the door on the shock and grief she felt after learning that her best friend died unexpectedly at age 32. In the midst of her confusion, sadness, and anger, there is also love. Eirinie and I get into the particular sting of losing someone young and the complicated job of remembering our loved one as a whole, flawed, messy, wonderful person.

You can find Eirinie’s book and other writing here: https://www.eiriniecarson.com/

Larisa Garski and Justine Mastin are practicing therapists who have authored two books together. Their narrative approach to therapy centers on rewriting the stories about our lives that aren’t working and how play and fan fiction are some of the best tools for reimagining a better future. We talk about collective grief and public spaces, therapists taking on roles traditionally reserved for clergy members, and how they have dealt with their own grief alongside their clients. Justine and Larisa are great examples of how grace and humor help us navigate the hard parts of life.

You can find their books here: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/724011/the-grieving-therapist-by-larisa-a-garski-lmft/

Barbara Karnes is a pioneer of the modern hospice movement in the United States. She got her start as a hospice nurse when medical professionals didn’t know how to pronounce the word hospice, let alone understand what care it could provide their patients. Thirty five years ago when Barbara was helping set the standard of care for people at the end of their lives, she wrote Gone From My Sight. It is a little blue pamphlet that uses simple, straightforward language to explain the dying process. And it is still widely used today by hospice agencies across the country. In this episode, Barbara explains what hospice actually does and how it helps people. We also talk about the dying process – what to expect, what it looks like and sounds like and what you need to know if you’re caring for a loved one who is dying. 

You can learn more about Barbara’s advocacy work and buy all of her pamphlets here: https://bkbooks.com/

Poems are tools for existential work and Claudia Castro Luna’s poetry is our guide to a deeper understanding of place and belonging. Claudia was born in El Salvador and fled to the U.S. in 1981 at the age of 14. She writes about the grief of losing her first home and country in her book, Cipota Under The Moon, which she reads from in this episode. Claudia has put down roots, raised a family, and made Seattle her home. This sense of place is deeply tied to her work: Claudia is an Academy of American Poets Poet Laureate fellow, a Washington State Poet Laureate and Seattle’s first Civic Poet. We talk about the language of grief, her relationship with her grandmother and what it’s like to flee home.

You can find Claudia’s poetry and learn more about her work here: https://www.claudiacastroluna.com/

Lucinda Herring has over 20 years of experience as a licensed funeral director and a home funeral guide. Her book, “Reimagining Death: Stories and Practical Wisdom for Home Funerals and Green Burials,” is a must-read for anyone considering alternative death care options or someone who is simply curious about the green funeral movement. In this episode, Lucinda gently debunks common myths about having a funeral at home. We also talk about our culture of unprocessed grief and how taking care of a loved one’s body after death can help us see death as a natural part of life.

You can find additional resources for home funerals, Lucinda’s book and more about her work here: 

https://www.northatlanticbooks.com/shop/reimagining-death/

https://lucindaherring.com/

https://www.facebook.com/ReimaginingDeathBook

The National Home Funeral Alliance: https://www.homefuneralalliance.org/

https://washingtonfuneral.org 

https://www.oregonfuneral.org/