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In This Episode:

The words "I Hate You" can cut deep, especially when they are from your child.

When emotions get heated all kinds of comments can surface.

Let's begin with an understanding of how the brain works.

I love Dr. Seigal's Handy Model of the Brain. His simple explanation of how the brain functions can give us a better understanding of how an "I Hate You" can slip out. The good news is, that there are things that you can do to help. Knowledge is a big part of it.

When we get upset our Pre Frontal Cortex goes off line as Dr Siegel puts it. That basically means that our decision making gets high-jacked by our emotions in our limbic system. In other words, the child is really upset. Well, that's probably something that you new already, right?

When children, really people in general are extremely upset and their pre-frontal cortex is offline, or as Dr. Siegel puts it "Flipped their Lid" then they say and do things that are purely based in raw emotion, not having been filtered through their "Is this a good idea" filter.

They may say or do things that they don't mean or is not in their best interest. I'm a marriage counselor and can't help but relate to how couples become "flooded" which is just another way of saying that they "flip their lids" and do and say things they often don't mean and regret in many instances.

Okay, so here's how to remedy this. First, watch the short little video to Dr. Siegel's handy model of the brain. You can find it on you tube by just putting 'handy model of the brain" and I'll also have a link to it in the show notes.

Then, when your child is upset or angry always focus on a de-escalation goal. Empathy is a biggie in helping kids calm down and preserving and strengthening your relationship through it all. Reflect their feeling in a way that sounds and looks like you care. "I can see you feel really angry at me right now." Have your body language match your words, so the child can get the message that you care.

Also, be the thermostat, not the thermometer. Don't get hot as your child gets hot, cool it down as your child gets hot. In other words, don't get upset with the child, speak in a calm, loving voice to set the emotional temperature in the room. Remember, this isn't a magic wand approach so I will take time, patience, and lots of love to remain calm, but it's key. The effort is so very worth it.

Another biggie is to avoid teaching in these moments. If your child's thinking part of their brain is not functioning fully, then your words are not only being received, but they are likely to esculate the upset and remember the goal is deescuation. The processing of what's alright and what's not alright does need to happen, but only after your child is in a calmer state. This is an important piece too. My work is highly influenced by my training and experience in Child Parent Relationship Therapy created by Sue Bratton ,Garry Landreth, Theresa Kellam , and Sandra R. Blackard . I keep their manual within arms reach of me at my private practice. It's one of my favorite resources. Over the years, I've learned many approaches and Child Parent Relationship Therapy is by far the very best. If you haven't done so yet, be sure to listen to the episode on Child Parent Relationship Therapy with Dr. Dalena Dillman Taylor from University of Central Florida. Click Here to Listen to Episode 22 on Child Parent Relationship Therapy

To help your child calm down, you need to be in a calm state. This is often much easier said than done in the early stages of this process. It's really helpful to learn and use calming techniques with your child when times are good. During an angry episode, is not the time to learn calming skills. I like deep belly breaths, bunny sniffs, butterfly hugs, double doodling with both hands, and there's some higher level ones such as pendulating and visualization that can be really effective.

The most important thing is to not take it personally. See it as an opportunity to help our child develop emotionally. If it does strike a nerve in a big way, do a check in with yourself to assess whether or not it is touching on a sore spot, if it hits a nerve from past pains or hurtful situations of the past. If yes, I may be beneficial to do some therapy work on a personal level. Heal yourself, so that you don't pass that pain on to your child.

Here's a short clip of my daughter , Angel, doing a role play of what this may sound like.

If you'd like to connect with me, I offer consultation and parent coaching support. Just email me at [email protected] or at my private practice at [email protected]

In This Episode:

• I had the pleasure of having a conversation with Neal from Relax 4 Life.
• I first learned about Neal after purchasing one of his labyrinths to use with my students. I was in search for a tool that was easy to use that helped kids calm down, focus, and regain collectedness enough to go back to class after feeling bothered by something. Labyrinths are great for all of these things.
• Now I use my double labyrinth with my clients in almost every session with almost everybody – adults and children.
• I have also used my double labyrinth to help parents and children attune to each other.
• More recently I have used it as part of couples counseling.
• In our conversation, Neal talks about the many different kinds of labyrinths. He mentioned a bit about the history and concept of labyrinth as well. I am planning a trip to go to a walking labyrinth. I'm super excited!
• Neal mentions some research that looks at the helpfulness of using a labyrinth with children and adults with ADHD. Also, some people use it as part of meditation, prayer, or mindfulness.
• I love to use mine in the sandtray to add the element of the sensory effect to the experience.
• Visit relax4life.com/jf.html to see the ones that I recommend.

Depression is an often misunderstood condition.

I think lots of times, the term "depression" get's thrown around. In this episode I want to talk about what it is, what it is not, what helps, what doesn't and how it can affect the realm of parenting.

It's so much more than just "being sad".

There are many types of depression.

Having a baby, childbirth, can trigger a plethora of powerful emotions.

It can be exciting, scary, heartwarming, and even depressing. Postpartum depression is not uncommon and can leave people feeling guilty and shameful, which makes it even worse.

Lots of love and support for the mom and the baby is vital during this time.

Often the medical team will check in with the parent to see if depressive symptoms are present.

The parent child relationship is so very important. Especially important are the first 3 years of life. This is when attachment is formed. Attachment is a biggie as it really lays a blueprint in a child's brain for other relationships. Attachment is an entirely other episode, but I bring it up here to really emphasize the importance of seeking treatment if you are a parent and you are experiencing symptoms of depression. It can affect your child's development in a big way.

Reaching out for support from a qualified mental health professional can make a big difference in your life and the lives of those that love you.

It can allow your quality of life to improve and help you and your child or children to connect in a more meaningful way. When children see their parents suffering, it can take a toll for sure.

There are many different treatments for depression.

As a mental health counselor, I help many people with depression through therapy. It's important to know that there are different types of therapy too.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, EMDR, Art Therapy, Mindfulness, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Solution Focused therapy and much more.

I prefer using the whole brain approach. Also there are other things that are great adjuncts to therapy, such as yoga, exercise, journaling, etc... The important thing is that you take action – don't let it eat up these valuable parenting years. It's tough and it's hard to even get out of bed some days, and that's where the support can come in.

Some people seek medicine to address their depression. I just read Bessel Van der Kolk's book, The Body Keeps the Score. I love how he describes it in there. Medicine should not be the first response, and when it is used, it should be used with caution and just to make the therapeutic experience more beneficial. It can dull the emotions that are problematic, but therapy ultimately helps the person to heal from it. Some people struggle lifelong with depression.

It's important to know that trying to convince someone of reasons why they should be happy is not helpful. It can actually make it worse.

It's also important to mention that depressive symptoms during a time of grief and loss is considered a normative state, and is treated in a different way. Therapy can still be very helpful in these situations.

If you'd like to connect with me, I offer consultation and parent coaching support. Just email me at [email protected] or at my private practice at [email protected]

In This Episode:

Anxious feelings during back to school time are not uncommon especially in times of transition such as kindergarten, moving from elementary to middle school, from middle to high school, and then eventually college.

This time can be really stressful for kids and families. It may look like crying, clinginess, lower tolerance levels that lead to tantrums sometimes, somatic symptoms such as tummy aches and headaches, and crankiness.

Children may present as desperate and beg and plead to stay home. Some will try to bargaining and negotiate. Does this sound familiar?

It is totally "normal" for all of us as human beings to have worries. It's the way that our brain is wired. However, going to school isn't optional.

School is a "non-negotiable". In fact, allowing your child to miss due to worries will often increase your child's fear.

The chance for successful experience and having them realize that they can surpass the fears doesn't get a chance to occur. It also limits children in many other ways.

Obviously, they miss the academic portion of school and get behind. They don't get the opportunity to succeed and master certain skills.

This can be such a biggie! If they get behind in the schoolwork, often school seems like even more undesirable to them. It also has a social impact. At school kids foster friendships, as well as develop and practice social skills.

To set your child up for success, it's super important to create a schedule and an environment where your child is getting plenty enough sleep, eating healthy meals and moving around physically. It just makes it easier when their body feels rested, nourished, and alive.

Use empathy to let your child know that you care. This makes a big difference. It starts with reflecting the feeling. It may sound like this, "You feel worried about 3rd grade, the thought of going back feels overwhelming".

Through this approach you are helping your child with emotional literacy, but more importantly sending the message of "I get you... I understand... I know it's hard... and I care." If appropriate you can also tell a short snippet of a related story about yourself. But, be careful not to "one up" your child as that's not helpful. This can go a long way.

If we respond with "there's nothing to be scared about." Then kids think, "My mom/dad doesn't understand." This can leave them feeling frustrated, hopeless and even more scared. And, this could make it even worse because they then lose the hope for support from their parents. I know this can be hard, especially with irrational fears, but trust me on this one – taking the time to validate your child's feelings is so very helpful.

It's also really helpful to try to figure out the root of your child's concerns. This will help you develop a plan to cope. It also models for your child how to think things through as well.

When someone feels anxious, the alarm system in their brain is usually going off, so thinking is limited at best.

It's important to know that what you think is the problem, may not be the problem. I see that in therapy frequently, when the child and the parent describe the issue as completely different.

It's helpful sometimes to reach out to teachers, school counselors, therapists and such for support. They are in the business of helping kids, so they may have information that can make you and your child's life much easier by helping you get through this problem.

Steer clear of Guilt or Shame when it comes to motivational efforts. Guilt (I'm doing something bad) and Shame (I am a bad person) can leave your child feeling less than and incapable. It not only will hinder them with this issue, but cause much greater issues in the long term.

Pick out some things that your child may like about school and focus on those. But, remember you don't want to jump right to this, be sure to connect with your child and reflect their feelings first. If you jump right into convincing mode, you're likely going to be met with deaf ears.

It's important to mention the reality of how kids can smell anxiety in their parents a mile away. They often take cues from their parents to see how confident, how trusting, how secure they should feel about a situation. That's why it's so very important to be calm and collected yourself. This takes some looking within. It can be difficult though, so it's more important than ever to engage in self soothing and reach out for support for yourself if necessary through a support group, trusted friend, yoga class, therapy, etc... Plain and simple, your child looks to you as "this is how I should react to the world."

When you drop your child off at school, be supportive but calm and firm. A short and sweet kiss and a goodbye, "I love you. I see that your scared, but I know you'll be okay here. We can see each other again after school." helps. Sometimes it may feel heartbreaking to see your child cry and plead for you to stay, but if you continue to stand there and say goodbye over and over again, it just makes it harder on you, your child, and the classroom.

I love those little Worry Eaters for the younger kids. I found mine on Amazon. There are also several books out there.

For therapy options, I love using EMDR with kids and adults. In my experience, I've noticed that gets to the root of it quicker by desensitizing and reprocessing. Also, though stopping and therapeutic deep belly breaths can make a big difference.

I've also had great experiences with essential oils. DoTerra brand has a blend, Serenity, which is good. I really like Eden Gardens brand though. They are less costly and really good. I use them is session with my clients for grounding and calming. I love lavender, peppermint, bergamot, and lemon.

If you'd like to connect with me, I offer consultation and parent coaching support. Just email me at [email protected] or at my private practice at [email protected]

In This Episode:

Today we're talking about emotional abuse. Through my work, I help clients heal from this and move past the wounds that it can leave. It can be a trauma. Unfortunately, emotional abuse can take a huge toll on one's self-confidence and self-esteem levels. Being in an emotionally abusive relationship can have people questioning their life choices and own self-worth.

Today's show is focused on helping parents recognize the signs of this problematic area of emotional abuse and choose better, healthier ways of interacting with each other (whether together or separated) and their children.

Now, let's talk about what emotional abuse actually is... Emotional abuse is different from physical abuse which is really marked by explosive outbursts and physical harm. Emotional abuse can be more deceptive and subtle. While it doesn't leave physical marks, it can sure leave emotional scars that go deep. In some cases, many people aren't even aware that it is happening. You can't see it like a bruise or a cut, but you can feel it. And, others around can feel it too. It can really rock people's world. For parents, it can lead to divorce, separation, physical violence and much more. For kids... it seems like they have the most difficult situation of all. They can't just divorce or leave. They are stuck. They may choose to cut off the relationship at first opportunity though. But, often families in these situations, just notice that their quality of life is poor at best and they often feel the painful stings of the cut downs, humiliations, control, and such.

It really involves a regular pattern of verbal attack, threatening, humiliation (social or within the family, or both), control, bullying, threats, inducing fear, and perpetual criticism. Also, more subtle tactics like intimidation, control attempts, humiliation, shaming and manipulation. They may accuse their target of being "overly sensitive" to avert the reality of their abusive remarks. In these cases, respect, empathy and compassion are either low or non-existent. Many times the abuser will share personal information in a chastening way in an attempt to degrade and demean their target. Often there's teasing, put downs and a disregard for their targets accomplishments, hopes and dreams.

The purpose of emotional abuse is to control and overpower the other person. The abuser may not even realize that they are doing it. It most often is the result of their own painful experience from childhood wounds and insecurities that come with that. Emotionally healthy people treat others with respect, kindness, and compassion. Often, in emotionally abusive situations, the abuser may have been abused themselves leaving them with a feeling of "this is normal" or "this is acceptable". They may even feel like a victim themselves, giving them the illusion of justification for their actions. In fact, they may deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted and accuse their target of being the cause of their behavior.

For parents, they often look back on how they were raised and use that as a blueprint on how to raise their own children -"this is how I was raised and I turned out fine." When in reality they didn't turn out fine or they wouldn't be acting the way they do. They may feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless themselves, so their instinct is to gain control over someone else that they can feel dominant over. Therapy can help.

It's important to know that emotional abuse can occur in any relationship — between parent and child, in friendships, families, and marital relationships.

This can happen slowly in relationships. The long term effects can be huge. In kids, it can affect their life choices and put them more at risk for mental health disorders such as depression, anxiety, and in some cases even post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD. It really taxes on the feelings of self worth, especially if they were verbally abused as a child. Also, if a child witnesses emotional abuse of a parent, their perception of what a healthy relationship is and what it isn't can be skewed from reality.

Today, Laura Reagan is on the podcast to share a bit of her professional experience with helping people heal from emotional abuse. Laura is a colluegue in the podcast world. I love podcasts! She's the host of therapy chat podcast and she is also a licensed clinical social worker in Baltimore with a private psychotherapy practice. I love learning from her. She specializes in trauma. In this episode, you'll here her talk about her work. She has a free e-book, Parenting after Trauma, for you as well. www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/parentingaftertrauma

Subscribe to "Parenting in the Rain" podcast on iTunes, if you haven't already. Also, join us in our FB Community at https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingintherain/

www.parentingintherain.com

www.jackieflynnconsulting.com

www.counselinginbrevard.com

https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingintherain/

In This Episode:

Tantrums

A tantrum and a meltdown are different. It's important to differentiate between the two as it helps guide a helpful response by the parent. Knowing that tantrums are a result of the child trying to get something and meltdowns are a reaction to sensory overstimulation.

A tantrum is based in an attempt for the person (usually a child, but not always!) to get something they want.

It is behavioral based and some suggest that impulsivity can play a key role in their occurrence.

A child may have a tantrum if he wants a toy at the story, but is told no. The tantrum is in an effort (may be conscious or unconscious) to get the toy.

It doesn't need to be based in a desire to attain tangible things though. A child can also feel intense emotions that lead to a tantrum over issues such as attention, activities, and such.

It usually involves yelling, crying, kicking and screaming, which may look a lot like a meltdown to the untrained eye.

The child usually can control a tantrum, but may have limitations due to emotional flooding.

Tantrums are apt to stop when gets what he / she either gets what he / she wants or if he /she realizes that the tantrum is ineffective unlikely to produce the desired effect.

Characteristics of a Meltdown

A meltdown is a reaction to feeling overwhelmed, usually due to sensory overload (too much sensory information at once to process).

It looks a lot like a tantrum, with the exception of some body signals such as holding ears, not stopping for communication, etc.

The commotion of a supermarket may trigger a sensory meltdown.

The brain goes into overload and fight, flight or freeze response seems to set in.

For some, it can be a response to having a lot of things going on internally at one time, such as stress, worry, etc.

It's important to mention that a tantrum lead to a meltdown due to the intensity.

Be sure to check out episode 23 on Sensory Processing Disorder to learn more. http://jackieflynnconsulting.com/23-practical-understanding-of-sensory-processing-disorder/

A child will often stop a tantrum if she attains what she wants such as a candy bar, toy, activity, attention, etc. Or if she's rewarded for using a more desirable behavior such as using her words to ask, being kind or whatever fits the situation. It's important to resist the urge to give the child what she wants as reinforcement, as it will cause more and more tantrums in the future. It's a great teachable opportunity to teach your child that outbursts aren't the way to get things she wants in life. These lessons will serve her well through the years.

Now a meltdown is different. A meltdown isn't likely to stop when a child gets what she wants. In fact, it may just be a matter of changing the sensory input that the child is receiving. This happens a lot with kids with Sensory processing disorder. Once the child leaves the overstimulating environment, she may start to feel calmer.

So how can you handle tantrums and meltdowns differently?

For tantrums, it's important to recognize acknowledge what your child wants without giving in as reinforcement. Make it clear that you understand what she's after. "I realize that you'd like a candy bar. Now isn't a time that we eat candy though. You can have an apple or another snack when we get in the car though." Then help her see there's a more appropriate behavior that will work. "When you choose to speak calmly and respectfully, you may share with me what you choose."

To de-escalate a meltdown, help your child find a safe, quiet place to calm. "We're going to go out to the car now. It's quiet there and I can turn on the air conditioning so that we are both cool and comfortable." Resist the urge to lecture or talk too much though, as that can be over stimulating in and of itself though.

It's super helpful to identify and name the emotion that your child is feeling. It builds their emotional literacy and also helps them to have language to express something that is happening in the body, as well as helping their brain to self-regulate the intensity of the emotion.

It's important to know the difference between tantrums and meltdowns, as your response is a key factor in getting through it and attaining calm again.

Happy parenting!! ☺

Subscribe to "Parenting in the Rain" podcast on iTunes, if you haven't already. Also, join us in our FB Community at https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingintherain/

www.parentingintherain.com

www.jackieflynnconsulting.com

www.counselinginbrevard.com

https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingintherain/

In This Episode:

I'm reflecting on all the times I have made a mistake as a parent. Whew! This realization cans me quite humbling.

Now, to be completely honest, I could not possibly remember each time that I have made a parenting mistake. Or any mistake for that matter. As I have probably made about a gazillion mistakes in my lifetime, and certainly many of them during last 13-ish years as a parent. But, I'm totally okay with that since I have learned from them.

Lessons learned by experience are LONG LASTING and VALUABLE.

One biggie that I've learned is, it is okay to not be the "PERFECT" parent. Really, is there such a thing anyway?

Mention of this reminds me of Brene Brown's (I LOVE her work!) beautiful book, "The Gift of Imperfection". Her message is a life changer for so many, myself included. All of her books and talks are incredible.

Being the "best" parent that YOU can be is what truly matters.

At the time of this writing, I have not yet met a "perfect" parent. I don't expect that I ever will either. It's just not a realistic expectation. What is a realistic expectation however, is that we do what works best for us, while honoring the uniqueness and individuality in our own selves and our own family.

Being the absolute "best" parent that you can be is SO MUCH more rewarding, attainable and worthwhile.

I have met many AMAZING parents over the years though.

With these parents, I've noticed that they all incorporate…

• EMPATHY
• LOVE
• RESPECT

… into their own parenting styles in their own, unique ways.

Also, these parents all seem to give themselves, and the ones that they love, permission to make mistakes.

Brilliant, right?

It's important to mention that the topic of parenting sometimes lends itself to strong opinions.

Getting past the point of letting other people's opinions drive our decisions can feel so EMPOWERING. It allows us to relax and actually be able to enjoy our kiddos and the experiences that life has to offer. This effort is totally worth it. Freeing our hearts and opening our minds enables us to access a beautiful space that holds the SELF-LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, and HAPPINESS that we crave.

As a therapist specializing in Child Parent Relationship Therapy, I teach parents to "Focus on the Donut, Not the Hole".

I interpret this to mean, focus your energy on the good stuff, not on what's going wrong. Sure, we need to address things that go wrong, but it's not helpful to fall into the perpetual pit of doom that focusing on weaknesses can bring. Things get so much tougher when we dwell on the negative. I have seen such healing, growth and improvements in people's life with this one realization. This is not my idea however, as it is part of the therapeutic protocol outlined in CPRT Package: Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Treatment Manual: A 10-Session Filial Therapy Model for Training Parents, by Bratton S., Landreth, G, Kellam, T., and Blackard, S.

Their "FOCUS ON THE DONUT, NOT THE HOLE" concept is only part of this incredibly effective type of relationship based therapy. The other tenents of their book and manual are brilliant as well!

If you are searching for:

• deeper relationships with your children
• more effective ways to nurture good character
• simple methods to foster self esteem and courage to take chances

…this type of therapy is recommended. Good stuff!

In regard to tough situations that life can offer, I invite you to "Focus on the Donut" on a personal level as well.

Noticing what you are doing "right" can make tough situations much easier by fostering feelings of adequacy, self–worth, and capability.

Give yourself permission to be human and make mistakes, with the INTENTION of learning from them and ultimately doing better the next time is good stuff.

The word "intention" means to do something on purpose. Parenting "on purpose" can leave us feeling empowered and in control.

Maya Angelou's brilliant words "when we know better, we do better" apply here, for sure. So, education is key to making informed decisions on purpose.

I love, Love, LOVE learning from experts in the field on topics such as neuroscience, child development, behavioral strategies and interventions, etc.… Through this I attain much greater amounts of insight and accurate information.

I remember when my first child was born, I was quickly realized that other, often well-meaning parents can express strong opinions based on the big issues. Whoa… This caught me off guard a bit. It took me a while to realize that I had a choice in those types of situations. When I finally realized that, I felt like I could breathe again and enjoy being a parent.

The fact of the matter is, we can choose to perceive these types of comments as judgmental, mini aggressions. (This choice can be emotionally draining for sure!)

Or, we can CHOOSE to take away the information that I can use and leave the rest.

It is our CHOICE. It is nice to have a choice, right?

I think we have all experienced it at one time or another–The dreaded "No, you should _____________ instead. You're doing it wrong."

Ouch!

Sometimes, words from others can sometimes sound judgmental and sting, leaving us feeling paralyzed, inadequate, and unable to function at our personal best.

Issues such as:

• To breast-feed or not…
• To stay at home with my child more to be a parent working outside of the home…
• To use a pacifier or not..
• To soothe my child to sleep or not…
• Date nights or not…
• Medicate or not..
• Private, homeschool, or public school…
• etc…

… can keep parents up at night, wondering "Am I doing the right thing?".

It can feel OVERWHELMING!

For the most part, people mean well… giving their words of advice that they believe to be helpful can be an act of kindness for sure. Many times their advice is just what we need. But, sometimes it isn't.

Sometimes, advice from others can leave us feeling torn and confused. Especially, when it isn't aligned with OUR VALUES, STYLE, and DESIRES for our families.

The key to gaining helpful parent knowledge in these situations is to take what information applies and leave the rest.

I'm a huge fan of gathering as much information as possible. Making informed decisions is a biggie for me. I continuously gather information from books, blogs, podcast, conferences, and more… As these sources can be just what I need.

I take what I need and leave the rest.

To be clear, I certainly have my ideas on what works and what doesn't for MY family. Who doesn't, right? I am super aware though that they are just that… MY ideas.

In my work as a Registered Play Therapist, Educator, and a Parent Coach, I have learned the immense value of truly listening to parents for the purpose of accurately identifying what is working and what is not, as well as accurately identifying what is at the root of the concerns. This approach enables me to provide information that they can wrap around THEIR VALUES, and build on from then on.

Good stuff!

Information is SO valuable. In my personal and professional life, I steer clear of the "You shoulds…" every chance that I get.

Recently, I heard the saying "Don't Should've on Yourself!". It made me chuckle and raise my eyebrow, as it is such a valuable reminder of how "should's" can certainly be the thief of our parenting joy.

It is important to know, that a "one size fits all" parenting style simply does not exist.

It's like trying to FIT INTO SOMEONE ELSE'S SKINNY JEANS! Sometimes they just don't fit… With enough effort, we may be able to get them on and button them up, but sometimes they just don't fit. And, they can leave us feeling uncomfortable, leaving us unable to relax and enjoy life…enough said!

What works for me, may not work for you… and, what works for you may not work for your best friend's cousin…

"Intentionality" is the vital. Plain and simple.

Being clear on YOUR:

• Values
• Limitations
• Expectations

…is absolutely essential.

A lack of clarity in these areas can leave you feeling exhausted…like you are running around in circles, expending your precious energy on what OTHERS think you should do, and sometimes swimming in a tumultuous river of PARENT GUILT.

Subscribe to "Parenting in the Rain" podcast on iTunes, if you haven't already. Also, join us in our FB Community at https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingintherain/

We are on this journey together.

In the meantime, breathe easy, give yourself permission to be human – to be imperfect, and love with your whole heart. And remember, squeezing into someone else's skinny jeans isn't always the best idea. =)

Happy Parenting!

www.parentingintherain.com

www.jackieflynnconsulting.com

www.counselinginbrevard.com

https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingintherain/

In This Episode:

We'll hear Stephanie Sanders explain the realm of Speech and Language services for children in the school setting. She mentions that the group setting is most common with her work.

She also tells us that it differs from the home setting, where she would work with the child one on one.

She created a curriculum that she developed over the course of 4 years while working with students with Autism Spectrum Disorders.

She was initially inspired by her younger brother and her students.

She tells us about some of the common struggles that kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders experience and how she addresses it with the students that she works with.

She emphasizes the importance of communication with parents while working with children.

She discusses the struggles that some of the kids that have with non-literal language, picking up social cues and such.

She usually works with kids in groups of 5 or less. The group setting allows for social issues to come up.

Stephanie wrote a book to present a curriculum to help children with Autism Spectrum Disorder. The FILTER Approach: Social Communication Skills for Students with Autism Spectrum Disorders.

The acronym "FILTER" breaks down as the following: F - Facial clues, I – Inappropriate, L – Listen, T – Target, E - End and Start Conversations, and R - Repair

She has witnessed students putting the concepts into action, both in the therapy room and in real time.

She has a PRE & POST mini assessment (a 10 question questionnaire) to assess their level of retention.

In her work, she has seen children retain the information and put it into action.

The FILTER Approach is a user friendly curriculum that professionals and kids can really connect with and benefit from.

When the children get positive feedback it can support self-esteem growth and foster positive feelings of self-worth.

She emphasize the importance of identifying the needs and implementing the curriculum at an early age in a developmentally appropriate manner.

The FILTER Approach incorporates some social scenes to give the kids insight from an experience level.

Stephanie creates an emotionally safe and trusting environment for the children to open up about their social awkwardness and struggles.

Stephanie is very clear and transparent with the children to let them know that she communicates with parents.

Collaboration with parents, teachers, therapists, school counselors and other people helping the child is ideal.

She talks about the metaphor of the filter and how she describes how it applies to this concept.

She also teaches kids how their brain works to give them a deeper understanding of how the concept applies in terms of brain function.

She tells students how using a filter can help them with relationships, with a job, and many other areas of their lives.

Stephanie stresses the importance to listening to the kids without jumping right in to teach them or fix the problem. This can be really helpful for kids, especially kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders.

The information presented in this curriculum helps children not only at this time in their lives, but it helps lifelong.

Stephanie provides some AMAZING tips for parents and for professionals helping kids out.

It's so important to consider the perspective of the child. You can read more about this in her blog post for ASHA (A link to her blog post is not available at this time. Expected date of availability is anticipated for the early August timeframe.)

Stephanie gets silly sometimes with parents and kids in her work. She has an awesome Donald Duck and Scooby Doo voice.

Stephanie really prayed throughout the 4 years of creating the curriculum for my students to connect with the concepts that she presented and just before submitting The FILTER Approach to Plural Publishing that it might benefit any students/clients exposed to the curriculum.

She continues to pray for the previously mentioned individuals and for any therapists, counselors, teachers, or parents choosing to implement this curriculum with their students/clients.

You can read the full show notes at www.parentingintherain.com

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 27, How to Heal and Move on After Divorce

Are you a parent worried about your child through your divorce? Here's a link to my s Free Parent Class http://jackieflynnconsulting.com/parentingthroughdivorce

In This Episode:

It's important to identify the emotional pain by naming the feelings.

Dr. Siegel says "When we can name it, we can tame it!". This is so true.

Common feelings are feelings of betrayal, fear, guilt, hope, anger, regret, etc... Recognizing and accepting the feelings that surface, release their grip on you.

Also, it is important to recognize your belief systems that have been put into place through it all. Some painful ones that I hear in my practice is "I am unlovable." "I should've done something earlier." "I am a bad person." and such. If those are coming up for you, therapy may be the best option to help you heal.

When we experience trauma, our brain functions differently. It can change so many things in our lives. Divorce is no different. If left unprocessed in a healthy way, one my feel anxiety when connecting with new people such as dating. Perhaps feeling clingy, untrusting, or even standoffish and unable to accept the other's compliments.

For parents, unprocessed trauma could reduce their capacity to be fully present with their kiddos and cause them to feel "numb" to things that they previously enjoyed. It could cause them to be irritable or to have a shorter fuse with their kiddos. And, for many it just feels like they are stuck, destined to feel that way forever. Trauma distorts time.

It's important to seek support not only to help you grieve the loss of the dreams you had when you got married, but also to help you reprocess the trauma, so that you don't repeat the same situation with someone new as you delve into a new relationship.

Some people grieve, then find someone new, while others find someone new then feel those feelings. Now, I'll bet you can imagine which one has the best results. That's why it's recommended for people that are newly divorced not to dive right into a new relationship. The excitement of a new relationship can disguise the pain for a while. But, after the newness wears off, then it can surface. It can leave people with new relationship challenges.

Also, jumping in too soon after divorce can complicate the adjustment process for the children too. Some people have a big worry of not being able to financially support themselves without someone else, so getting in a relationship right out of divorce is part of their freedom plan. Unfortunately, relationships that exists as a financial stability piece can dissolve and be more destructive than ever. So it's super important to heal first, and then move on after you are in a healthier spot, emotionally and financially.

After your divorce, be sure to take time to decompress. Engage in an activity that makes you feel good, other than dating or partying. Something that ignites your feeling of self again: volunteering, exercise, connecting with friends, painting... Only you know what does this. Movement can do amazing things for your emotional state.

Identify and connect with your support system. Friends, family, therapist, etc. the reason why this helps is because we are wired as social beings. This means, we have an innate need to feel heard, cared about, ... in the heart and mind of someone else. <3

After divorce, this can be especially important since relationship ruptured can leave one feeling unheard, unloved, uncared about.

Since our bodies are a system, when a trauma happens such as with some divorces, it can affect our sleep patterns, tolerance levels, digestive system, emotional regulation (some people experience depressive and anxiety symptoms). With therapy, people can organize it all in your brain, heal the hurts and position themselves with a much healthier capacity to adjust and enjoy your new start, which can then help your kiddos ultimately to move on.

Just like the flight attendant says to put on your own oxygen mask before you do your child's, be sure to oxygenate yourself during this time so that you can be there for your kiddos.

With friends and family, notice the amount of time that you engage in "Divorce" talk. If it's too much, pull back and seek out a therapist for individual or group support. Let your previous relationship be your teacher.

What "ruts" do you want to get out of? What would you like for the future? What are some deal breakers with future relationships?

Some relationships end as a result, or at least partially because of emotional abuse. This is tough for some to grasp since there aren't any physical marks, but there are certainly emotional scars. This involves a regular pattern of verbal assault, such as threatening, bullying, constant criticism, or more subtle approaches such as intimidation, shaming, humiliation, control, manipulation, etc...

Emotional abuse is used to control and suppress the other person.

A lot of time it can result out of childhood wounds and insecurities that the abuser experienced and didn't heal from in their own life. This reminds me of the quote "HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE". Along the way, healthy coping mechanisms weren't put into place. This could leave them with a hunger for control and power as a result of their unprocessed anger, hurt, fear and feelings of powerlessness, those more vulnerable feelings. That's one of the reasons why you should heal yourself through this, so that you can be healthy enough to parent in a healthy way for your kiddos.

Allow yourself to grieve if you are feeling the pain of divorce. Allow yourself to feel the feelings in a supported, safe way. One thing that can be incredibly helpful is to write and / or create some type of artwork.

The power of expression is amazing. I use expressive art therapy in my work in almost every session with my clients, regardless of age.

Journaling can be really helpful. Research tells us that it cannot only help at the moment with regulating the body's physiological response such as blood pressure, heart rate, and it can help people sleep more sound, but it can also help in the long term with huge physical and emotional benefits. For this, you can just by a journal (it doesn't need to be fancy or expensive) and just write what comes to mind, thereby releasing it from your mind body and soul.

It is also helpful to write a letter to yourself from someone that you love and that cares about you, such as a family member or a trusted friend. This one was shared with me from a dear friend that went through a divorce herself. It can be so very healing. It's cathartic and can help people heal enough to move on in a healthy way.

From a neuroscience perspective, the power of telling our story through a narrative can organize it in our brain, in the hippocampus, where it would otherwise be left fragmented and unprocessed. This can lead to chaos, whereas the narrative can heal.

Remember that there is an "after" this time. So, intentionally focus on creating a better future for you and your kiddos. Remember, you and your kiddos can still be a happy family even after all of this. So play with them, show your interest in your children, and connect with them in a way that lets them know that you care about them and that they are important to you. Remember, their belief system is forming during this time too.

Also, allow your child to grieve and process through this divorce in a healthy way. It can be tough for kids if some things aren't in place.

I have an online course on this, Parenting through Divorce: 7 Key Strategies To Nurture Your Child's Emotional Healthy Before, During And After Divorce. It's one of my Parent With Intention courses. If you want check that out, just visit jackieflynnconsulting.com/parentthroughdivorce I have almost 50 brief videos in the course that incorporates much of what I share with the parents that I work with in my private practice and as a parent coach as a Divorce Recovery Specialist

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 26

A Child is Like a Butterfly

Are you a parent worried about your child through your divorce? Here's a link to my s Free Parent Class http://jackieflynnconsulting.com/parentingthroughdivorce

In This Episode:

Just like a butterfly needs the struggle of emerging from the chrysalis to get it's blood to it's wings then ultimately fly, so does a child.

Giving children the gift of responsibilities sends them the message "I believe in you!". "I believe you are capable." "You can difficult things." "You are an important member of this family."

Responsibilities and chores really equip our children with the confidence, grit and work ethic to go out into the world and dare to follow, and work for, dreams.

When kids have responsibilities, it nurtures their sense of self-worth which relates to self-esteem.

Some parents don't require their kids to do chores for a variety of reasons. They may feel guilty about a touch circumstance such as divorce, health condition, or some other hardship. This is often done with good intention, but it actually limits the child even more.

If you want to set your child up for success, give your child a meaningful chore around the house; ones that they do, just because they are an important member of the family.

It's important to make the chores meaningful, achievable and worthwhile. Also, be sure to notice that the child did the chore or took care of the responsibility. Be careful to not be overly critical of the child's work, as that could leave him feeling defeated and undervalued. Create an environment that fosters a love for participation and follow-through.

Resist the urge to pay your child with allowance for all of their chores, not all certainly, but have some chores be just a part of their life duties.

This will help them get the blood to their wings and ultimately fly independently.

Resources

(Some of the Links Below are Affiliate Links)

www.parentingintherain.com

www.jackieflynnconsulting.com

www.counselinginbrevard.com

https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingintherain/