Play Therapy Community

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 25

Divorce and Sports

Are you a parent worried about your child through your divorce? Here's a link to my s Free Parent Class http://jackieflynnconsulting.com/parentingthroughdivorce

In This Episode:

Brian Brunkow is a San Diego-based lawyer, Glazier Head Coach Academy speaker, and the author of Zero Offseason – a guidebook on divorce & sports parenting.

With a background in family law and coaching youth football, Brian's focus is helping coaches and parents collaborate on the "ABC's of Divorce & Effective Sports Parenting."

When time and money is so commonly used as a weapon in divorce situations, the "ABC's" : Aligning Goals, Following the Best Interests Standard & Controlling Controllables. They help encourage the adults to stay focused on helping kids develop life skills thru positive youth sports lessons.

Brian has a substantial background in coaching.

It's important to keep the kids on the field and involved in sports to give them the life skills that can come through sports.

Sports can reduce the high school dropout rate with adolescents.

When parents are passive aggressive with time and money, the child is the one that misses out and is ultimately hurt.

Brian tells us about the Baldwin vs. Basinger story, how high conflict divorce can result in the child missing out on valuable time over custody battles.

He shares some statistics about divorce.

He also shares insight of how divorce can impact kids. T

here are some program success studies that illustrate the importance of working together as parents for the children's sake.

Brian is the author of a book, "Zero Offseason".

Good behavior will not change the behavior of the other parent. But, it will give you a piece of mind.

He tells us about the "ABC's" : Aligning Goals, Following the Best Interests Standard & Controlling Controllables

He talks to us about aligning goals. He tells us a story of divorced soccer parents and how their situation affected the child.

Simple rules, but complex..."The kids gotta play, let the coaches coach, and the parents need to support." Being the support system as a parent is so important.

Sports help kids with socialization skills, as well as conflict management skills that will help keep them out of trouble in life.

Youth sports teach kids discipline, mental toughness and grit.

Communication between parents is very important.

Using stories is a great way help parents work things out, so that the child doesn't lose years of opportunity for sports growth.

He talks to us about "Bleacher" Parents and references Jennifer Capriati and her experience through the divorce in her family. As a tennis player, she was an incredible athlete and top performer in the world. By the time she was 17 though, she retired from tennis. She didn't have the support system at home.

Some parents equate their ability as a parent with the child's performance in the sport.

The parents need to be smart about how they approach the calendar. A throughout calendar can prevent some conflicts from occurring.

" Best Interests" standard is all about the child, not the parents or the coaches.

Brian recommends having a Co-Parenting Mission Statement to have on the refrigerator at both homes. You can get a copy of it at www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/divorceandsports The child may think, "Mom and Dad don't get along, but they both have my back."

Impact – Safety is considered a "non-negotiable. Parents must communicate. For example, parents need to work together and communicate if their child gets a concussion. This is HUGELY important.

It's important for parents to remember that they can't control bad behavior of the other parent, so it is best to focus energy on what you can control.

Process-based goals keep things focused on the child.

On field & off field, parents need to support their child.

Brian recommends playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" game with little kids as a way to teach them how to control the controllables. This is where you want your energy to be because this is where you can have an impact. It helps teach kids the importance of teaching them to focus on what's in front of them.

Brian is working on a program, a legal workshop for employees "aligning goals", "best interests", and "controlling the controllables".

Robert Cox specializes in the treatment of Trauma and Autism Spectrum Disorder and uses mindfulness extensively in his practice. He lectures nationally on autism and works as a consultant for children's psychiatric hospitals in the development of Autism treatment programs. Recently, he has become the lead consultant for the creation of a special needs school for autism in Cameroon, Africa. He also provides consultation service for parents. His expertise is valued all around the world.

Mindfulness is really paying attention to one specific thing. It is about being quiet long enough to create a space between the limbic region and the forebrain.

Taste can be used in mindfulness activities. This works great with kids that may not be able to understand some of the more complex tasks. It's important to involve all of the senses. It's really about teaching them to pay attention to one thing at time.

Mindfulness with kids with ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder can help with focus, calm and clarity.

Robert uses mindfulness in his practice with almost all of his clients with trauma, addictions, social isolation/bullying, Autism, ADHD, and much more. It can have a powerful impact!

Mindfulness can really have a great effect with students in the school system.

"Pain is a guaranteed part of life, but suffering doesn't have to be." Robert Cox

Mindfulness can help parents regulate themselves so they aren't bouncing off of their child's emotional state.

Robert uses Gummies, Oranges, M&Ms and such to teach help kids experience mindfulness. It's important to find something that is really attractive to the child so it really holds their attention.

It's important to practice mindfulness with your kids, because they will respond to it when they need it instinctively. It will become a learned behavior and become a functional tool.

We know from research that it "rewires" the brain, thickens the part of the brain that enables better access to greater processing abilities.

Mindfulness can help people with Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD, because it retrains the brain.

Oxytocin is referred to as the "Hug Drug" in reference to social relations. It helps people connect and feel love and strengthens relationships.

It's important for parents to practice mindfulness themselves. Teach your kids to pay attention with all of their senses. When kids see their parents using mindfulness they are more likely to use it themselves.

The biggest challenge that people usually come up is when people try to stop the thoughts. But, the trick is to just let the thoughts release through the breath without forcing the thoughts to stop.

Robert tells us about a technique called "Becoming the Observer" that can help people avoid the suffering.

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 23

Practical Understanding of Sensory Processing Disorder

In This Episode:

• Lindsey Biel, MA, OTR/L, a pediatric occupational therapist in private practice, lives in New York City.
• She describes an Occupational Therapist as a person that works with people in many areas to optimize the function of daily life skills.
• Sensory Processing is how we transform bits of information that we get through our senses into meaningful messages in the world around us and what to do with them.
• Sensory Processing Disorder is when there are differences in how a person's wiring works, as well as the person is experience the world in a different way. They may experience out of proportion reactions to everyday sensory experiences.
• Sensory challenges are seen more often in people with the following: Autism Spectrum Disorder, children born and adopted internationally from orphanages, premature babies (especially the youngest and the smallest), Down syndrome, Fragile X Syndrome, ADHD, exposure to drugs and alcohol in utero, mood disorders and many others.
• Connect the dots between behaviors and the underlying sensory issues.
• Lindsey uses the phrase "Sensory Smarts" to describe tools and strategies to help people overcome sensory challenges.
• When working one on one with a person, Lindsey always starts with an assessment.
• For many people, getting a lot of deep pressure can provide the sensory input that can help them feel where their body is on the planet.
• Parents and therapists try to determine "how much do I push them to build tolerance and how much do I protect?". It's best to do both.
• Sometimes sounds such as the vacuum cleaner, hairdryer, cafeteria can be overwhelming to people with auditory challenges.
• Ultimately, parents are the expert on their children.
• Parents and teachers are an important part of empowering kids to overcome some of their sensory issues.
• Lindsey talks about a "Sensory Diet" as a carefully and personally designed activity plan to help people feel good on a physical level and have their sensory needs met. It helps attain balance of "not too wired, not too tired".
• The deep pressure work can be very helpful "organizing" kids.
• "Toe walking" can be a result of impaired body awareness, neurological body awareness, or sensory hypersensitivity in the foot. Interventions help by teaching them to get more comfortable with their feet and sensory input to desensitize. If left untreated mobility issues and orthotics issues could occur. It's recommended to see if toe walking is a sign of something going on neurologically.
• Lindsey provides some practical strategies to help with changing the environment – light, sound, and feelings of postural safety, oral stimulation, visuals and more...
• School based Occupational Therapists are limited to educational related support. Occupational therapists working outside the schools in agencies, private practice, and homes can provide a wide array of services.
• There are online resources for parents that can be really helpful to find support. Links to Lindsey's facebook communities and her website are below.

https://www.sensorysmarts.com/

http://www.comfykid.com/Pipsqueaks.htm

http://www.smartknitkids.com/

Lindsey Describes Sensory Processing Disorder in a Video

Article on Supporting Sensory Processing Issues written by Lindsey Biel

Dalena Dillman Taylor, PhD, LPC, RPT, is an assistant professor at the University of Central Florida, past president of the North Texas Association for Play Therapy (2013–2014), and the play therapy certificate coordinator at UCF. Dr. Dillman Taylor graduated from the University of North Texas with doctorate of philosophy in counseling, with a specialty in play therapy in 2013. Dr. Dillman Taylor is a trained Adlerian play therapist and focuses her research on the effectiveness of Adlerian play therapy with children and adolescents who demonstrate disruptive behaviors or academic difficulties in the classroom and at home.

In This Episode:

• Child Parent Relationship Therapy, also known as CPRT, was developed as an adaptation of the Gurney's Filial Model.
• Garry Landreth adapted this model to be delivered in 10 weeks.
• This type of therapy teaches parents Child Centered Play Therapy skills in an experiential way.
• It strengthens the relationship between children and their parents and/or caregivers.
• This program helps parents step back and look at the child' holistically while remaining focused on the relationship.
• CPRT sessions are designed for groups, so that parents can connect and realize that they are not alone while learning from each other. The group sessions are usually 2 hours per week, and after the 3rd week each parent and child (usually only one child at a time) have a special play session at home for 30 minutes to practice the skills.
• Each group session is designed intentionally to help them feel successful and proud of what they are learning, so only one main skill is focused on.
• The child centered play therapy skills are different from regular play time. They focus on allowing the child to lead in the play without teaching or disciplining, but rather deeply connecting on a meaningful way that can boost children's self-confidence, self-esteem, feelings of self-efficacy, and so much more.
• The "Be With" attitudes are an important component of CPRT. I'M HERE, I HEAR YOU, I CARE, and I UNDERSTAND." This is not to be confused with always agreeing with the child or being permissive, but rather embraces a strong element of presence without judgement – positive or negative.
• Dr. Dillman Taylor mentions Dr. Dan Siegel's brain research with children. His work is so valuable when understanding what helps kids self-regulate their behavior and emotions.
• Dr. Dillman Taylor mentions Dr. Risë VanFleet as a great resource of how this approach can be adapted to work with individuals and couples.
• The CPRT manual is set up in a way that is convenient and packed full of knowledge and extras such as appointment cards, door hangers, assessments and much more.
• It's important for parents to communicate to the child that the special CPRT playtime is important and valued.
• This type of therapy incorporates role play so that parents really get good practice with the use of some of the skills before they use it with their children.
• Dr. Dillman Taylor's favorite rules of thumbs from the CPRT model are the following: (These are directly from the CPRT Manual)

"Be a thermostat, not a thermometer! Learn to RESPOND (reflect) rather than REACT. The child's feelings are not your feelings and needn't escalate with him/her."

"What's most important may not be what you do, but what you do after what you did! We are certain to make mistakes, but we can recover. It is how we handle our mistakes that make the difference. "

• Knowing how the brain works as it relates to behavior is so helpful. Dr. Dan Siegel has a wonderful "handy" model of the brain that can support this understanding with adults and children.
• Dr. Dillman Taylor has a CPRT Training coming up in JUNE 8-10th. It is a great training! If you are a therapist living in or near Orlando, or if you are traveling from afar, this training is so worth your time. It is one of the most valuable trainings that I have ever had the pleasure of attending. I highly recommend it. Click Here to Register

Mindfulness, Brain Hand Model by Dr. Dan Siegel's Video

CPRT Training in June 2016 with Dr. Taylor

http://education.ucf.edu/playtherapy/events.cfm

Center for Play Therapy in Denton Texas

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 21

How to Make Divorce Easier for Kids with Child Therapist, Jackie Flynn

Sign-up for Jackie's Free Class "How to Create an Emotionally Safe Environment for Your Child through Divorce" at www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/class

In This Episode:

FREE DOWNLOAD

www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/divorce

Don't Expect Your Child to Pick a "Side"

Do not expect your child to choose sides before, during, or after the divorce. Respect your child's right and need to love, honor and respect the other parent.

Be Present with Your Child

Make the precious time that you get with your child quality time. Resist the urge to ask questions about time with the other parent. Also, take this time to truly connect with your child, as this can be a painful adjustment and strong parent child relationships are more important than ever.

Speak Respectfully About the Other Parent

Avoid "talking trash" about the other parent, whether directly or within earshot while talking to others. This can leave your child feeling angry, confused, and guilty. Instead, speak respectfully about the other parent to your child and make efforts to have a civilized and considerate relationship as much as possible.

Reassuring Your Child that Kids Can't Cause or "fix" a Divorce

Sometimes children feel like they are the cause of the divorce. Whether they heard their name in a heated argument or just feel responsible for family issues. Letting your child know that a divorce is not something that children can cause, prevent or fix.

Show Empathy and Compassion for Your Child's Feelings

Allow your child to express their emotions in a safe accepting way.

Reflections from you such as "you feel sad ..." or "that really hurt you when..." is much more helpful in terms of a healthy adjustment, as well as development of emotional regulation skills.

Maya Angelou said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 20

Melissa's Mantras: for Nurturing Responsibility, Independence, and Confidence in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Melissa Braun, Ed.S is a loving parent, an educator, a school staffing specialist and a person passionate about advocating for kids. Melissa shares her 5 mantras below.

• Have a Growth Mindset.

Melissa points out the power of the word "yet". She points out that we need to focus on what they can do and what supports and services they need to be successful.

• Be the Advocate (all) Our Children Need You to Be.

Melissa emphasizes that we need to advocate for what we want our child to become. This helps them to become a self-advocate as they grow and develop as well.

• Embrace Healthy Conflict and Difficult Conversations.

With so many people on teams for children with special needs, there is likely going to be disagreements and conflicts along the way. Expect conflict and know that conflict is because people care about your child's success and may have different viewpoints on help. Don't avoid conflict, but keep talking and keep listening. Melissa asks herself "What did their heart mean?" when she hears things from others in the team that sometimes feels upsetting.

• Do not Handicap your Child's Life by Making it Easy.

Let your children do what they can do for themselves. Empower them to be as independent as possible. This may require more time and support, but allowing your child the opportunities to make mistakes and gain skills helps support self-efficacy.

• Be Kind to Yourself.

Be gentle on yourself. Don't expect perfection. Recognize your humanness. "Some days are more successful than others."

In This Episode:

• Hannah's Heroes is a nonprofit organization that is on a mission of youth suicide prevention.
• Lyn Cline, co-founder and president of "Hannah's Heroes. "After the tragedy of losing my beautiful daughter, Hannah to suicide, I couldn't allow her to become another teenage statistic. With friend, and former teammate, Liz Mikitarian, Hannah's Heroes was born."
• Lyn tells us that Hannah was a well-rounded young girl that they never expected was deeply depressed and at risk of death by suicide. The evening before she "took her life" she was planning with her mother for short term and long term events. It was a complete shock. She thought she had the world at her fingertips. "Don't ever think this can't be your kids".
• Lyn urges parents to put away the electronic devices and connect and spend time with their kids. "You need to know what the kids are doing online."
• Liz Mikitarian, has worked with children for over 30 years. She earned Bachelors and Master's degrees in Elementary Education. She also is the mother of one teenage son and a co-founder of Hannah's Heroes.
• Lyn urges parents to take signs of depression seriously and not to think of them just as a "phase" that children go through.
• Liz tells parents that our first job as parents is to keep our kids safe, they don't need the privacy online. It's important to be honest with kids and talk about the dangers, to ensure that we as parents can guide them through troublesome relationships online.
• Lyn urges parents to educate themselves on signs of teen depression. And, talk to your kids and let them know that you care enough to ask.
• Lyn Cline and Liz Mikitarian have formed Hannah's Heroes to help prevent suicide by working with teens and educating parents on signs that can be too easily missed or dismissed as a normal teenage development.
• After the tragedy, Hannah's mother Lyn found out that Hannah had a hidden Instagram account and an email that she didn't know about beforehand.
• Lyn urges parents to get involved and know about their kids' electronic use to keep them safe.
• Please donate to their mission of support and prevention at www.hannahs-heroes.org. Just click on the link in the upper right-hand corner of the page.

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 18

When a Child has Suicidal Thoughts

In This Episode:

Below are some snippets from a conversation with Jonathan Singer, LCSW, Ph.D. on this episode of Parenting in the Rain podcast.

Jonathan shares that suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the United States.

"Risk factors" are different than "warning signs" when talking about the issue of suicide.

Risk factors are conditions that increase the person's chance that they may try to take their life by suicide. It is important to know that having risk factors doesn't equate to suicide ideation or intent.

Warning signs are things that let you know that there are foreseeable plans for suicide in the near future. It's important that a thorough assessment is done by a mental health professional if warning signs are present.

Expressing "hopeless" about the future and talking about a plan are some warning signs to be aware of.

It's important for parents to listen to their children, especially when warning signs are present, and to take it seriously. Dismissing a child's warnings signs are not helpful and could be dangerous.

When someone dismisses a child's thoughts of emotional pain they may interpret the person as conveying "your pain is not a priority to me".

When adults can determine if the child wants "to die" or just wants "to be happy", a supportive response can be more aligned with what is the best help for the child during that time.

Parents should seek support from mental health professionals before suicide ideation is present if possible.

Sometimes the egocentric state that can be present in teenagers due to a natural developmental stage of adolescence can lead them to feel like thoughts of suicide is something that "everyone" has present in their lives and feeling like it is "normal". It is important to concerns relating to suicide early and often.

It's important to seek assistance from professionals when you suspect suicidal thoughts; parents should not try to figure out how to help their child on their own as even the professionals consult since it can be a complex and is a serious matter.

Nonsuicidal self-injury (NSSI) is the intentional, self-inflicted harm to one's body.

If someone is engaging in self-harming behavior, even if believed to be NSSI, a suicide risk assessment should be performed in a professional setting.

There are many reasons why children engage in self harming behaviors, mental health professionals can perform a suicide risk assessment and help with issues surrounding the self-harming behaviors.

"Postvention" happens after a suicide death to support people as it pertains to prevention of future deaths by suicide and to address the grief and trauma of the bereaved.

Jonathan mentioned a great resource for schools, "After a Suicide: A Toolkit for Schools" https://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/App_Files/Media/PDF/sprc_online_library.pdf

It's important to be aware and a part of your child's social media world to use as your own "megaphone" to communicate helpful information to those in need of it.

Sometimes children have more than one social media account. It's important to be aware and involved as a parent.

Jonathan mentioned the following quotes: Carl Rogers' quote, "Congruence e is the key to happiness."

And, the quote "Suicide doesn't take away the pain, it gives it to someone else."

Hannah's Heroes is a non-profit organization with a passionate mission to draw attention to youth suicide prevention. They work with and through community agencies and partners to develop solutions that provide support for their community and prevent other losses. Visit their website at http://www.hannahs-heroes.org/ and donate to their cause, Youth Suicide Prevention, if possible.

In This Episode:

Pam Dyson tells us all about Play Therapy.

Play therapy is different than a child just playing.

Play therapy may look and feel differently with different therapists. Some therapists allow the child to lead the play in some situations and other situations may be a bit more directive by the therapists.

The relationship between the therapist and the child is key in regards to meeting the treatment goals.

Pam customizes her approach for each child and each family to ensure that she meets their specific needs.

Pam Dyson trains therapist in Play Therapy techniques through their work. She is a strong believer in ongoing training for therapist to stay abreast of new approaches.

Play therapy can help with all kinds of behavioral and emotional challenges that a child may have such as grief and lost from a death, divorce, adoption, anxiety, depression, traumas, life changes, ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Learning Disabilities, and so much more.

Its important parents to work closely with the therapist to maximize the effect for the child.

Play therapy can be used to diagnose and treat children with problematic issues.

The benefits of Play Therapy is seemingly limitless. It nurtures responsibility, understanding, self-esteem, and so much more.

Play therapy is a method of therapy that has been proven to reduce and/or resolve a variety of problems in children and families.

It is designed for children between the ages of 3-9 years old, while my Art Therapy Studio is designed for ages 12+.

Play therapists work closely with parents to develop an effective treatment plan that works towards a happier and healthier life.

Sometimes Play Therapy is offered in the home, school, and other places. It is not limited to the therapist’s office.

The toys in a play therapy room are chose carefully to ensure that children can fully express themselves. Some of the toys are aggressive, nurturing and expressive in nature.

EMDR integrates extremely well with Play Therapy. Problematic issues such as phobias, nightmares, bed-wetting, fear, anger, acting out/aggression, and more…, can be treated successfully with this integrated therapeutic approach. For children and adolescents, sand tray therapy, art therapy, hand tapping, and a “hand held buzzer” (to create the bi-lateral stimulation effect) can be during an EMDR therapy session. This is one of my(Jackie) treatments of choice, as I have seen so many people heal much more quickly than other means.

Be sure to check out the future episode with Dr. Dalena Taylor on Child Parent Relationship Therapy, also known as CPRT and Filial therapy.

Also, a previous guest on Parenting in the Rain podcast, Tammi Van Hollander, will be on the show soon to tell us all about and expressive arts type of therapy, Sand Tray Therapy.

Following is a link to my private play therapy practice www.counselinginbrevard.com click on “Tour”.

How to know when your child needs therapy? If there is changes in the child’s behavior, especially after a change or a trauma in the child’s life therapy may be beneficial for the child. Changes such as a move, a death in the family or a pet, trauma at school or home, and many more issues can cause a shift in the behavior and/or cause a change in their ability to focus.

How do you know when it’s time to finish therapy? When the child’s behaviors improve, the reasons why they came in improve, or the child seems to be enjoying a better quality of life at home, school and life it could be a good time to phase out of therapy.

Sometimes children return back to therapy after it’s complete if the behaviors resurface or another issue arises.

The relationship between the child and the therapist is so important in the healing process.

To find a play therapist in your area you can do a search for a play therapist on the internet, but specifically the Association for Play Therapy, APT, has some great resources and can give you information on Play Therapists in your area.

Be sure to check out future episodes of the podcast. A free training will be coming up next week to help parents through parent through divorce.

You can read the full show notes at www.parentingintherain.com

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 15

Tips for Successful Co-Parenting (even in high conflict situations)

In This Episode: (this information is also available on the free download)

Lorrie Brook provides some tips regarding Communication & Respect for parents struggling with co-parenting in separation and divorce situations in their families.

Communication

It is important that despite living in 2 separate households you both maintain an open line of communication within the family.

If you aren’t sure if it is something worth telling ask yourself this:

Use this question as your guide –“If this happened in the other parent’s household would I want to know?” If the answer is yes – let them know.

When you are communicating with the other types remember these tips: 1. Be polite 2. Be concise 3. Don’t exaggerate, embellish or understate what happened. Tell it as it is.

Respect

While co-parents are no longer in a romantic relationship with each other, they are in a co-parenting relationship and as such respect plays a big role.

Here are some tips:

1. Be polite

2. Use your manners (please and thank you go a long way!)

3. Don’t talk badly about the other parent in front of the children

4. Don’t allow others to talk badly about the other parent in front of the children

5. If your children mention the other parent to you – don’t roll your eyes or the like.

6. If your children start to be rude or disrespect the other parent, correct them and talk to them about it.

You can read the full show notes at www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/episode16