Psyche

In this solo episode, I return to James Hillman’s chapter on the puer aeternus and pothos from Loose Ends — and explore how longing may not be a problem to solve, but the very engine of being alive.

Building on Jung’s reflections on the wanderer while moving beyond a mother-centered interpretation of desire, Hillman reframes longing as structural to consciousness itself. I weave his insights together with Lacan’s notion of lack, Jaak Panksepp’s SEEKING system in affective neuroscience, Emmanuel Coccia’s reflections on fear as the death of desire, and even a Rumi quote I strongly disagree with.

This episode is also deeply personal. I reflect on my own journey in therapy, the suspicion of desire within Christian spaces, the demonization of the puer archetype, and why I’m learning to trust longing again — including how erotic pursuit can become a conscious participation in that blue flame rather than a distraction from it.

What if wandering isn’t immaturity?

What if desire isn’t deception?

What if depression is, at least sometimes, the extinguishing of the flame that keeps us reaching?

Not all who wander are lost.

Esther Perel has named Jack Morin as a major influence on her thinking about desire — so I returned to The Erotic Mind. What emerged was a theory of passion that feels even more relevant now.

In this episode, I explore Morin’s Erotic Equation — attraction plus obstacles equals excitement — and connect it to psychoanalytic reflections on lack, resistance, and the structure of desire. Drawing on Todd McGowan and Fichte’s concept of Anstoß, the obstacle that functions as both barrier and propulsion, I examine why desire often thrives in tension rather than total security.

This is a deep dive into longing, ambivalence, power, and the paradox that keeps erotic life alive.

When Bella Freud—great-granddaughter of Sigmund Freud—sat down with Esther Perel on Fashion Neurosis, I knew I had to listen. What unfolds is not a conversation about trends or aesthetics, but about identity, masculinity, desire, and the psychology of being seen.

In this solo reflection, I explore clothing as a kind of “second skin”—a psychological boundary between self and world. Drawing from Perel’s thinking on Eros in Mating in Captivity, Valerie Steele’s idea of fashion as skin ego, and even a touch of Jack Morin’s erotic equation, I reflect on why what we wear is never neutral.

I share a story from my therapy room about helping an autistic client build confidence through intentional style, what it’s like to shop for clothes with my 16-year-old son, and why paying attention to how people craft themselves might be one of the most countercultural practices available to us right now.

Fashion isn’t superficial. It’s relational. It’s embodied. And in a world where we rarely look up from our screens, noticing what someone is wearing might be one small way of saying: I see you.

More and more men are showing up in therapy convinced that desire is a technical problem—something that can be solved through optimization, symmetry, and self-correction. Jawlines, ratios, bodies, images. Looksmaxxing promises certainty, control, and relief from rejection, but what it actually delivers is anxiety, perfectionism, and a dead end.

In this episode, I bring together several threads that have been colliding for me lately: re-watching Mad Men, clinical conversations with men struggling under the pressure to optimize themselves, and Jacques Lacan’s unsettling idea of objet petit a—the object-cause of desire that can never be perfected, possessed, or secured.

Along the way, I draw on Slavoj Žižek’s famous example of Cindy Crawford’s mole, and on Jessica Paré’s portrayal of Megan Draper, whose gap-toothed beauty in Mad Men illustrates a simple but uncomfortable truth: desire doesn’t emerge from flawlessness, but from the excess, the gap, and the imperfection that refuses to be optimized away.

This episode is a critique of looksmaxxing culture, perfectionism, and the fantasy that being desirable means becoming complete—and an invitation to think about desire as something far less controllable, far less marketable, and far more human.

In this solo episode, I reflect on Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl halftime performance as more than a cultural moment—it becomes a doorway into memory, migration, colonial history, and the psychology of diaspora.

Born in Puerto Rico to a Puerto Rican mother and an American father, I weave my own family story into a broader reflection on what it means to live between worlds, shaped by love, economic precarity, mental health struggle, and displacement. Drawing on a formative course I took on Puerto Rican history, I explore the unfinished colonial relationship between Puerto Rico and the United States and how colonialism doesn’t just extract resources—it fractures continuity and reorganizes psychic life.

I also spend time with one of Bad Bunny’s most powerful songs, Lo Que Le Pasó a Hawái, reading it through the lens of diaspora psychology: anticipatory grief, forced migration, split belonging, and the quiet violence of watching home become uninhabitable while still loving it deeply.

At the center of the episode is a concept that has stayed with me for years: sacred hospitality. I argue that Puerto Rican love—expressed through exuberant joy, warmth, rhythm, and generosity—is not naïve optimism but an ethical and spiritual response to colonial harm. Joy, here, becomes resistance. Hospitality becomes strength.

In a moment when fear and hatred feel increasingly normalized, this episode is an invitation to remember that the United States is irreducibly complex—and that the only thing stronger than hate is love, lived as sacred hospitality.

In Part Three of this Heated Rivalry series, I turn my attention to Ilya and the moment in Episode Five that changed how I understood his character entirely. When Shane lets Ilya speak in Russian — without translation, without explanation — the series opens into a deeper story about borders, belonging, and the cost of building a life far from home.

This episode explores Ilya not just as a romantic lead, but as a figure shaped by immigration, queerness, and the constant negotiation between safety and authenticity. From a therapeutic lens, I reflect on what it means to live at the intersection of national, legal, and relational borders, and why being allowed to speak from one’s deepest interior world — even when it cannot be fully understood — can be a profoundly human form of connection.

This is one angle on Heated Rivalry, and part of a larger ongoing conversation. There is much more still to explore, but here I stay with Ilya, Episode Five, and the quiet devastation — and courage — of being foreign everywhere.

In this episode, I’m joined by Elisabeth Schilling for a slow, careful conversation about Eros—not as romance or scandal, but as a force that shaped the early history of psychoanalysis itself.

Using A Dangerous Method as a starting point, we explore Carl Jung’s relationships with Sabina Spielrein and Toni Wolff, and the ethical, psychological, and relational tensions that emerge when desire enters spaces meant for healing, learning, and transformation. We talk about transference and countertransference before they were fully theorized, about intimacy before professional boundaries were clearly named, and about how early analysts struggled to hold erotic energy without being overtaken by it.

This is not an episode offering verdicts or moral simplifications. Instead, it’s an attempt to sit with paradox: how Eros animates creativity and depth, how it destabilizes certainty, and why the frame—in therapy, academia, and relationships—matters precisely because Eros is real.

Along the way, we reflect on monogamy and polyamory as relational architectures, the danger of spiritualizing desire, the cost of boundary violations, and what Jung’s unfinished struggles still teach us about intimacy, responsibility, and human limitation.

This conversation is for listeners interested in depth psychology, ethics, and the complex terrain where desire, care, and power intersect.

In Part Two of this ongoing reflection on Heated Rivalry, I slow down and focus on the interior life of Shane Hollander and why his character has resonated so deeply with autistic and neurodivergent viewers, even without the show ever naming him as such.

Rather than treating this as a question of diagnosis, I explore Shane as a way of being in the world — his pacing, his relationship to regulation, structure, intimacy, and safety — and why that portrayal feels so recognizably human to so many people. From a therapeutic lens, I reflect on representation beyond stereotypes, the cost of masking, and what it means to be in relationships that adapt to a nervous system rather than demand performance from it.

This episode is one thread in a much larger conversation. There are many other angles still to explore in Heated Rivalry— cultural, relational, clinical, and symbolic — and this reflection is meant as a continuation, not a conclusion

In this episode, I sit with Heated Rivalry not as a show to review, but as a story that quietly pushes against the emotional tone so much of our culture has normalized. In a media landscape saturated with cynicism, distance, and dystopian assumptions about intimacy, this series lingers on warmth, pleasure, and the slow, imperfect development of trust.

From a therapeutic perspective, I explore why that matters — especially for men, for queer and neurodivergent people, and for anyone who has learned to expect that closeness will come at a cost. I reflect on masculinity beyond emotional shutdown or collapse, on intimacy without guarantees, and on why therapy itself can be understood as an anti-dystopian practice rooted in the belief that connection, under the right conditions, does not destroy us.

This episode is only one way into Heated Rivalry. There are many other angles still to explore — relational, symbolic, cultural, and clinical — and this conversation is very much the beginning rather than the conclusion.

In this solo episode, I reflect on a moment from my clinical work with a young male client who brought in a conversation from the Joe Rogan podcast, where online debater Andrew Wilson suggested that therapy is ineffective and that what people really need is simply a good friend.

Rather than responding defensively, I take the question seriously and explore a deeper philosophical and psychological inquiry: what actually makes therapy different from just talking to a friend?

Drawing on ideas from the therapeutic frame, research on listening, and the role of ritual and experience in psychological change, I reflect on how therapy functions as a distinct kind of relationship — one shaped by structure, depth, attention, and meaning.

This is not an argument that everyone needs therapy, but a reflection on what therapy can offer when it works well, how it differs from everyday conversation, and why both friendship and therapy may serve different but complementary roles in a human life.