Regular Features

Come, come inside my fortune telling tent young man, or is it young woman? My wizened old crone eyes can't see too well these days. What... "crone"? No, no it's fine, I can say it because I am one, it's our word. No, yeah I know it's rooted in misogyny. We're reclaiming it, sort of like "queer". Oh god sorry I didn't realise you were queer. Oh god I've said it again. Right, turn over your cards. There. You'll meet a tall handsome stranger on a blimp, now get out of my tent.

In this two-boy fiasco of an episode, Steve gets into an argument with his neighbours about dog wets. Joe takes Red Dead Redemption 2 to the westest end there is: West End.

Welcome to Your Westworld (ID 1334) -Remastered by Lobo Loco is licensed under a Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

I am REALLY gassy right now.

Log does Mandalorian via Pussy Pals.

Steve does meat of the week.

Matt been stench in p*******.

God, I am so gassy.

Here it is! Somehow Joe and Gav got invited back to the British Kebab Awards to report from the frontlines on all the going ons from the biggest night of the meat calendar.

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Hoik up your britches and join us in the Regular Features tide pool, but mind you don't step on a hermit crab or one of those cool wet slugs. They were here first and we are their guests in the tide pool. We must always remember that the wet slug is our hostess. Write it down. Write down in your copybook that the wet slug is your hostess before you get into the tide pool.

In this episode, Joe is visited by a Babadook who wants to set the record straight. And Steve's received a newsletter from Roger Helmer with some top ideas about where to house asylum seekers. Log? Well, Log attended. He was *there*. You can't take that away from him.

Right on the heels of Episode 522 - it's Episode 523!

522 has ducked into a back alley in an attempt to escape the inevitable, but 523 has locked onto their scent. 522 looks around for anything they could use as a weapon, as the slobbering 523 approaches, dragging its lame, smoky leg across the hot cobbles.

It's been injured in the chase, and 522, for the first time, notices a sense of profound sadness in its lumbering gait. It takes no pleasure from this process. It is simply how things must be. It is no consolation.

522 rattles the wire fence at the end of the alleyway, more out of a sense of dramatic spectacle than any hope of escape. They can feel their fight draining, their joints stiffening: they had nine days, longer than perhaps they should have had. 523 squirms and twists through the puddles like a fleshy ampersand, and wraps its shapeless mouth around 522's bare feet. After just hours of mute protest, 522 is devoured.

523 must rest for now. Tomorrow it will dance, and drink, and truly taste - all with the desperate joy of one that knows its own fate. The mouth will be on its feet soon enough. All that remains to be seen is precisely how terrible 524 will be.

STEVE has noticed a shift in the time streams, JOE has noticed a constant whistling that dogs his everyday life. LOG is excited about the Gladiators coming back. NOW DANCE! DANCE LIKE YOU KNOW THE DATE OF YOUR DEATH

No, it's not the Kebabbies episode just yet. That meaty boy is still percolating in our collective guts, and it will come blasting out at you when you and we least expect it.

In this one, Log has been spitting rhymes in Assassins's Creed Valhalla, Joe has been measured to within an inch of his life at the tailor, and Steve was moved to burps by Brendan Fraser's Oscars speech.

When you wish upon a star, does it come true? It hasn't for me, so far. I'm only asking to test the "makes no difference who you are" hypothesis. I mean it'd be a *bit* annoying if we've all been sucked in by an international wish-granting scam. But it'd be absolutely galling if I was the only sap diligently facing his wish mat towards Orlando and NOT getting his fondest wish granted. (My fondest wish, in case you were wondering, is to see a punk help an old lady cross the road in Piccadilly Circus, like they used to in the '80s.). If you HAVE had a wish granted on a star, the Kilroy team would like to talk to you.

In this two-boy lesstravaganza, Steve has had his nail bit to shreds by a friend's dog, and Log has noticed a very old song leaves uses frustratingly vague language with regards to the villain of the piece: to wit, who left that cakey boy all out in the wet wets? It's his hackiest bit yet! (I'm allowed to say that, I am him)

Meanwhile, If you want to read a blog written by a Christian in 2010 that posed precisely the same question as Log, but without using the phrase "f**k the mush with your winkle", check out "Nagging Questions: MacArthur Park" on the AnotherThink blog. NO I WON'T LINK IT

Do you think they added the "and decorator" bit to "painter and decorator" because people kept accidentally booking watercolourists to come in and do the spare room? Like these painters kept showing up with their easels, and the person's like, "you won't be needing that buddy-boy, here's some Farrow & Ball", and then we cut to the Tate Modern and there's a contractor rolling a second undercoat on to a Rothko while the guards try to rugby tackle him.

Anyway in this one Joe overhears a fleshy conversation on the tube. Steve's been to see ABBA Voyage. Gav has a Kebab Awards update.

Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma'am. Yes, thank you for participating in the annual whamming and bamming contest. Now who's next. Wham! Thank you sir, but I'm afraid you're disqualified. You forgot to bam. No you can't go again.

In this one, Log finds romance in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Joe investigates our disappearing kebab retweets. Steve eats a Dorito.

Thanks!

"Tenebrous Brothers Carnival - Act Two" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Hello, this is your phone speaking. I just wanted to say that it's real nice and cosy inside your pocket. I bet you thought I'd say it stinks of coins and thighs, but that's just your inner critic trying to trip you up again. You're your own worst enemy, when you gotta be your own biggest cheerleader, cos there aint anyone else around here who's gonna do it, except for maybe your housekeys.

Hello this is your housekeys. Gimme a Y. Gimme a O. Gimme a U. That's spells YOU. As in YOU are amazing. Thanks for putting me in your pocket with your phone. I'm going to ruin the GorillaGlass while I think about how brilliant you are.

In this episode, Log is a professional videogames voice actor now. Gav is offered a genuine-y boda-fide-y Blue Tick. And Steve has a coincidence happen on him.

Get ready!