Regular Features

When all you've got is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Stuck in traffic? Nail. Deadline to meet? It's a nail. Hungry? Better believe that's a nail. Worried that your only possession in the entire world, the sum total of your life achievements, the only thing your children will inherit when you die of hammer-related injuries, is a hammer? Oh yeah, that's a freakin nail alright.

In this episode, Joe wishes the new Smyths Toys television ad was a lottle bit longer. And Log explores the supposedly universal things people say to one another to give them an excuse to be horrible baddies. Steve's here too. There's a great bit about a crow in there! Nine out of ten episode this one.

Gather round, gather round. No stop, that's too much gathering. Disperse... A little more... A little more. Well now you're far too dispersed, aren't you? You're gonna wanna give me just a hint more gathering. Woah woah woah, now you're even more gathered than the first time. So much for the wisdom of crowds, ya tightly packed throng o' boneheads.

In this very chatty episode of Regular Features, Gav recounts the tale of our annual trip to the most happening Halloween party this side of Godalming. Steve hosts a "guess the TV theme tune" quiz in lieu of actually doing a feature. And Joe turns informant for anyone who'll listen.

"Onion Capers" and "Newer Wave" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

In this episode, Steve tells the terrifying tale of a coupla big city teenage dirtbags who finally get what's coming to them.

Log learns the exact sequence of verbs and nouns that makes Thorin Oakenshield cradle you in his greasy dwarf arms in classic ZX Spectrum text adventure The Hobbit (1982), thereby cracking a four decade old puzzle that would have, had it been solved at the time, catapulted his eight year old body into a half-dozen simultaneous gay puberties.

Joe is here too, making all manner of contributions.

This week we return to The Canal Cafe Theatre for a live show!

Because it's live, we might sound a bit shitter than usual or refer to something we can see on stage. YOU can fix one of those thing by watching the video version on our YouTube channel. WE can fix the other thing by kicking off with the sound guy.

Listen to the podcast! https://regularfeatures.com/

Support the podcast, get a BEE NAME: https://www.patreon.com/regularfeatures

In this episode, Log rediscovers his love of music by ordering vinyl records from a spooky owl, and Joe is smitten with thyssenkrupp's floating aeroplane corridor gantry jobbies. Steve is here too, technically.

(They're call jet bridges, I looked it up. Jet bridges! Like Jeff Bridges' cooler, more articulated brother. Hello, I'm Jet Bridges. If you want to get on this Airbus A380, you gotta climb through my guts first).

Shopping list:

- 2 beans

- 2 kilos Freddos

- A egg

- One feature about a traffic stop in Candyland

- One feature where Wolf Blitzer can identify Friends episodes

- One feature that is a poorly hidden pretext for us having YOUR house

- A another egg

"NewsSting" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

You've heard of good podcasts, now get ready for fast podcasts.

That's right, in this very special and speedy episode of Regular Features, Joe, Log and Steve will pepper your naked body with a quickfire hail of what science is calling "Actual Micro-Features".

It's like we are feature Scarfaces, and the features are the bullets, and you are an entire Bolivian drugs cartel bent on revenge. Any smaller, and these features would be a sort of inhalable mist. And that simply wouldn't do, now would it?

Say hello to our little features.

You are in a egg. Oh it is such a big a egg. But you want to be free of a egg. You crack open the tippy-top of a egg. Oh! It is so bright! It is so frightening! Perhap you would prefer to stay in a egg.

But then your eyes adjust to the light of the world that is not a egg. You see three faces. They are lovely faces, all shaped like a egg. One face is called Steve. He says he will tell you the shipping news, and about an indiscretion with his junk in a park. Another face is called Joe. He regales you about yoghurt. What is yoghurt? Is it also from a egg? The final face is called Log. He tells you about his haunted house, Blyth Manor - and that it contains a egg.

A egg! You must leave. You must leave a egg to find out more about all the a eggs around. It is time.

I'm hungry so this will be a short description.

In this one, Joe fixes some (very) badly behaving dogs. Steve invite us for a sleepover with "the king of cool" Mister Dean Martin. Log observes us from afar using a telescope.

I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry help

You can keep your Emily Maitlises and your Frost/Nixons, because Regular Features is finally pivoting to hot hot politics. In fact, we are the only politics podcast that doesn't have a Krishnan Guru-Murthy constantly riding around on an electric scooter in the background, and that's a Regular Features promise.

In this episode, Log introduces us to the Republican Party presidential candidate nominees, thanks to a couple of hypnotic lanyards he found under his pillow one morning. Steve tries to help out his old friend Roger Helmer MEP with a professional calf massage. Remember to vote or something.