Regular Features

We can't keep meeting like this.

In this episode, Joe finally brings Great British advertising to the hallowed American Superbowl. Log slips into a Helen-inspired reverie. Steve reads an excerpt from Bradley Wigginseses autobiography.

Here at Regular Features, we like to barge our way through old hotel doors and stumble into the room to find nothing but an open window and a fluttering curtain, then saying "he's gone", before YOU, our trusty sidekick, spots a hat on the hatstand and says "well wherever he's gone.. he's not wearing his hat". That's just how we like to do things, as you well know.

In this episode, Log imagines what it might be like when eventually Laurence Fox leaves us all behind. Matt sets out to invent an entire arts and crafts movement. And Steve's friend deals with news of an impending vape ban.

Ready!?

They say you can't get better than a Kwik Fit fitter, but I once saw a Kwik Fit fitter walk through a plate glass window in Letchworth Garden City. If that's honestly the best we've got, we might as well surrender to Belgium tomorrow and be done with it.

In this TRAVEL SPECIAL episode, Gav is bulled off a swing, Log takes a much needed vacation to Shrewsbury, and Steve is upset by the weird woofing sound that planes sometimes make.

Excuse me? Excuse me. Please may I be excused. You must excuse me now. Oh no I've excused myself into my shorts. That's your fault, that is, actually, for not excusing me quickly enough. Now I've got excuses all down my legs. Excuse YOU, more like.

In this one: Steve solves the XL Bully crisis gripping da nation. Joe drops some fresh Saltburn beats. Also the AI episode art is just a joke from the episode, we're not horrible.

Can YOU guess a guy? Find out in this week's episode!

While you come up with your answers, here's what else: Log reflects on turning 50. Steve has a poem to say at you. Matt's thought of one thousand baby names. And Joe does the guessing of a guy.

We love you readers. Happy new year.

If your Christmas tradition isn't playing this podcast at full volume, directly into your nan's increasingly ecstatic face, then we don't even want you listening to it. She'd love Gav's story about over-paying a tailor. She'd swoon to hear Secret Santana's latest return. She'd nod vigorously when Matt laid bare the world of aviation. She'd clap like a seal at Log's recantation of The Box of Delights. And she'd cry herself into the grave at the fact that Steve wasn't there. EAT UP, GRANDMA.

This is a public service announcement. Thousands of horses die needlessly giddy every year. That's why you should always tell your horse to "giddy down" after it's done giddying up. Around the world today, countless horses are locked in a heightened state of giddy, having been recklessly told to "giddy up" by their enthusiastic riders, but never having had the counteractive phrase "giddy down" lovingly whispered into their giddy big ears back at the stable at bedtime. In some of the most extreme cases, actually, we've seen dead horses who've been 10x or 20x giddied by careless riders, their horpse corpses still audibly teeheeing from the residual gid. And their owners? Nowhere to be seen, unbelievably. But you can be change all that.

In this episode, Log becomes a groomsman and Steve does a feature!

Oh, don't go into that cupboard. Don't you dare open *that* cupboard. You won't like what we keep in *that* one. Oh no, no, no. That's where we keep the features. You oughtn't spill any of those. What if you got Joe's impression of Ronnie O'Sullivan all down the lino? What if you drank a bit of Gav's journeys with a confusing taxi driver? And what if Log got out? He might tell you about a horrible time in a gym!

Oh goodness no, close that cupboard now and don't think about it for a second longer. Have a plum. That'll calm you down.

Locker image: “open 19”, by Rupert Ganzer, licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 DEED

If you have the hiccups, here is a tried and tested method for ridding yourself of the condition, cited by over one hundred old wives.

1. Stand on a railway arch

2. Listen to episode 548 of Regular Features

3. Marvel at Joe's loving obliteration of The Americans

4. Quickly write down the URL of Steve's new favourite charity

5. Stifle a gasp at Log's many confessions

6. Put on your squirrel suit and jump

Your hiccups will be gone because you didn't practice squirrel suiting and are at LEAST maimed.