Regular Features

This is episode 488, which in bingo calling is "two fat ladies, married for forty years and still profoundly in love, standing at an easel where the first fat lady is painting a simple watercolour of their pet cat (name of Biscuits) as the second fat lady watches her from behind. The first fat lady turns to her wife and says, 'my dear wife, these past few months I cannot help but feel we are growing apart, is something the matter?'

To which her adoring wife smiles and eventually replies, 'no, my love, my sweetest love, it is just the default kerning makes it look that way, I am as in love with you now as I ever have been. I am one thousand times more in love with you today as I was when I first saw you. I cannot count the ways that I love you. It's got to be at least fifty, and that's just off the top of the bonce.'

And THEN the first fat lady laughs and says, 'I knew you were, I can feel your love every day, my beautiful wife, you are my joy, my spark. Do you like this painting I have made?'

Her wife pauses. 'Yeah of course, I mean, what is... yeah, wow, that's... a castle? With the... are those archers there along the top, oh that's just... crenellations. You're so good at painting. I've always... always said that. Anyway, I'm just going to pop out to Sainsbury's gorgeous, you want anything?"

In this episode, Gav interviews Win Butlers of the Arcade Fires. Steve feeds waterfowl inappropriate foods.

Thanks!

Well aren't you just knee high to a horse, you lovely little thing. Let me give your hair a ruffle, oh you're ever so cu- YOU JUST BIT ME. Why did you bite me? I just came along to tell you what's in this week's episode of Regular Features and now I shall have to get a shot for some kind of muddy disease. Serves me right for trying to be nice. Well here's the low-down I SUPPOSE:

Matt has had a crazy weekend fistbumping rappers and trying not to be bullied by children. Steve has his hands on a precious audio tape of some dirty words from a beloved childhood figure. Log invites his friend Kirsten Dunst along to show us her nine different accents. Joe is angry at an older man again, this time for believing in himself.

Look! I'm bleeding! That was very rude of you.

Well, there's nothing else for it, we'll simply have to do another episode of the Regular Features podcast IF IT SO SUITS THEIR HIGHNESS.

In this one, Log fails to groom an heir to his publican throne, and Joe mourns the loss of the thing where the continuity guy talks about Hollyoaks over Danny Elfman music. Steve is here, as useless as ever, staring slackjawed into the sun like a statue.

Love you!

You've been very good today so here's a podcast we made just for you, as a reward. Also, hey, that thing you're feeling stressed about doesn't matter, you're doing great buddy. Keep it up!

In this episode, Steve is drafted in as the lord of the dance, Log unearths some horny personal ads from 1992, and Joe is put off his entree by a doddery old racist on the next table.

TELL YOUR BOSS.

Steve ushers in a new period of respectfulness for the podcast, in which we deal with recent sad news in a fashion that cannot, surely, cause offence. Joe fearlessly takes on the biggest, most blistering incident to dominate the celebrosphere. Log sticks his tongue half out his mouth and talks about sucking off spiders, for the second time.

On this week's episode Joe, Log and Gav crack some of their famous 'wise' about malt loaf, heaven and bees.

There's also some exciting news about The Regular Features Episode 500 Live Show!

Have you ever wanted to know how Regular Features' greatest stories came to be? Have you ever wondered how Grapesalicious gained her penchant for a piece of pink peppercorn? Or how Buck Pawchucker became mayor? What about how Gav surivived?

Well, we answer NONE of these questions in this otherwise origin story-packed ordeal from Steve, Log, and Joe. Strap them lugholes into a helment - you're about to go back in time using only your freakin' ears.

Log, Matt and Gav get together to talk horoscopes or should we HORRORscopes??....no, actually horoscopes was correct. Sorry about that.

There's also some stuff about a dog and I think Nish Kumar but I can't be sure.

Gavin and Joe infiltrated a world of alakazams by putting on cloaks and big hats and saying that they knew what a spell was, and now they present to you, the Regular Features reader, a special report on the Blackpool Magic Convention 2022.

If, while you read this episode, your whole body falls off, don't be afraid - it's just magic.

Kazoo Orchestra does Danse Macabre by Imaginary Kazoo Orchestra https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oj9yMUWjtyA

Ohhhh big stretch. Regular Features is all snoozy and cosy in bed! It is so warm and nice under the Regular Features duvet, we could just stay here forever. Do you want to climb in with us? There's a space here just for you! Don't worry about that thing you've got to do, just wiggle your way in between us and have a big yawn and a nice rest. That's right. We'll blow you sweet little kisses while you drift off. There we are.

In this episode, Steve's got all sleepy. Joe can levitate now. And Log conjures James Van Der Beek. Shhhh. Shhhh.