We've been sitting on the fence way too long. It's about time we took Ellen Degeneres down a peg or five. And as a feature appetiser: Steve got Mrs Doubtfired by an orthodonist. Joe is here too, to keep everyone in line.

Houston, we have a problem. The problem is that three guys came in and made some yuk-yuks in mission control and now we got a whole 'sploded Cape Canaveral. What were the yuk-yuks? Well, a guy called Gav told us about how a popular podcasting service stole his data and tried to make a quick buck. Then another guy, Log, he brought a buddy in to talk about Big Boys and soccer and water polo and I think he was aroused. After that, some joker called Joe finished us all off with a tale of - and you won't believe this - the International Space Station, and by that time we were just rolling around on the floor and one of us pressed the button that said "blow it all up". Sorry, Houston.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled features to bring you this very special report about a prince.

The music "Raving Energy" which appears in the nightclub scene where we're all dancing and having fun when we find out Prince Philip is dead is by artist Kevin MacLeod.

Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/5029-raving-energy

License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

In this very special episode of Regular Features, we tackle the real issues facing our societies todays, what are named of: kayak mishaps, duck tits, Channel 4 anchors, a jungle disease (red flower), some guys who live in a bed even way after they're dead, and what to do about a Tim Allen.

Excuse me, but please save your laughs for another episode, because it's time we got serious, and that's not even a joke.

Sure, you've all heard about how that big boat got wedged. Yawn! But have you also heard that Gav was mildly traumatised by an intractable camera man? No, because the "news" don't want you to know about it. In this week's tell all episode, Gav reveals how an impudent videographer shook him to his core, and Steve handles the boat business.

Alright let's go.

Hello, it's me, the podcast, with another episode of myself. In this one, Steve gets rich off of blockchain dunks. Joe embarks on a lucrative Tik Tok career. And Log eats so many oak-temperature conkers that he gets a thank you letter from the Queen.

I once said boo to a goose and it laid an egg, and inside the egg was a piece of paper, and on the paper there was a joke. "Q: What do you get if you cross a camel with a goose? A: Goose bumps." Naturally I was furious for having had my time wasted on this nonsense goose whimsy, but by the time I looked up the goose had fled. The bad joke was a defence mechanism to prevent people getting near to me, I mean near to the goose.

In this episode: Log has had his willy swiped by a wily enchantress. Joe gets wrapped up in the world of non-fungible tokens. And speaking of token, Steve contributes a low-effort Murray Walker bit that I suppose he thinks passes for a feature these days.

Look, it's late on a Sunday so let's cut to the chase.

In this one, Joe tells a blood-curdling foot story to curry favour with the producers of any horror podcast who'll have him. Log discovers a gassy missus in the filthy missives of James Joyce, who is also his dad now by the way. Steve is in attendance, as per the court order.

What is the Gorbo Vibe? If you have to ask, it's not for you. And if you don't have to ask, well you come across as aloof and so it's also not for you, sorry. I don't make the rules.

In this ep (short for episode), Gavin starts running but runs straight into a problem with smartwatches. And Steve unlocks the power of Gorbo Powder using a big key he discovered behind his washing machine. Joe is here too, making sure nothing rude happens.

I'm writing this in the bath, so I'll be brief. In this episode, Steve reports on how the newest Martian rover narrowly avoided wasp-induced catastrophe. Joe reveals he is Sia's honest-to-goodness cousin and demands access to his rightful family fortune. And Log has gone koo-koo bananas for the latest Yakuza game for the games computer.

Whoops I got some suds on the podcast.