Says Who?

Here we are again, SaysWhovia! Back on the sofa at the Says Who coffee shop!

What? You never noticed the coffee shop? It’s always been here. 

Always. 

And there’s Dan and Maureen drinking out of really big mugs! They’re here to walk you through the week’s events including when you'll finally be able to get that facial and go bowling in Georgia. Or, the history of Pier 1 Imports! And the show Friends! 

Dan doesn’t know anything about Friends, and that’s a lot of what this episode is. Because, quarantine! Find out just how much Dan doesn’t know about Friends, and witness the development of Dark Friends, where six friends live out quarantine and maybe do some murders.

... We'll be there for you Sayswhovians, 'cause you're there for us too.
 

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

It’s…*checks calendar* *calendar bursts into flames*… who knows? Does it matter? It’s some day of the week! It’s SAYS WHO DAY!

What’s been going on with Dan and Maureen? Well, Dan’s been making masks. And Maureen went to the store one time! But no one can live at this rapid pace for long, so they are going to relax and talk about stuff they remember. Like biking around the neighborhood, and riding in cars with no seat belts, loitering at the fabric store, getting a bird a Sears, and the magnificence of dessert time at Maureen’s aunt’s house.

Oh, and they talk about the week’s non-virus news for maybe two minutes but that is perhaps too much for Dan.

Come on in, SaysWhovia. Have a coffee, and a cigarette, and a bird.

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

Well, SaysWhovia, here we are again! At home. Where we have been, and will be for the time being. Remember out? No, neither do we.

But it’s okay! Dan and Maureen are here to talk about at home stuff, in details. Grocery wiping! Mask etiquette! Nightly wipings! Other things that didn’t exist before! But, as always, SaysWhovia is a completely safe place to visit. You can come and go as you like. No hand washing required!

So, when you’re done Lysoling your mail, hop on over to the town square. We’ll be waiting for you.

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

*Wipes down pod catcher* Oh hello! We were just making this nice and clean for you! SaysWhovia is always a safe retreat.

Dan and Maureen are doing fine, in terms adjusted for these times. Maureen is trying to record in a bedroom with a dog who has woken up. She is… very awake. She wants to play. Oh, and Maureen injured her eye. You’re going to hear a lot about that. Dan is doing the same sort of thing in Chicago, but with both eyes. He’s got kids, a dog, and a house to clean and keep locked down.

Basically, the two of them are reporting in from locked rooms in two places where things are a little jumpy!

But it’s okay. There’s talk of plants, of games, of making, of change. And a lot of stuff about Maureen’s eye and dog. We can’t lie. It comes up a bunch. 

In times like this, get weird. Put on your superhero cape. We’re in this together. All the love to you SaysWhovians.

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

*door creaks open* Oh hello!  Let us take your bags. Welcome to Castle SaysWhovia, your safe port in the storm. Come in, come in!

Yes, we’re all in here together, but there is plenty of room at the castle. Come, sit by the fire. Dan and Maureen will tell you stories. Mostly Maureen, She’s pretty chatty. And you can admire Dan’s beard! Look how it shines in the firelight! They talk indoor life, plants, ferocious badgers, fancy night, and more coping, coping, coping. Coping! It’s what this has always been, and now is the time to shine.

Oh, and Rand Paul. Because… Rand Paul is Rand Pauling harder than anyone has ever Rand Pauled.

Plus, the return of Sayswhosterpiece Theater, as Dr. Anthony Fauci attempts to be the sole voice of reason in an administration that's gone fully off the rails. 

Now, let us take your bags to your room. You can stay as long as you like. Don’t mind the ghosts.

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

Greetings from a medically safe distance, SaysWhovia! It’s been A WEEK, right? 

Like, what did we even think other weeks were before this week? It is, to put it mildly, a lot to take in. Which is why we’re here, to bring some sunshine to your earholes! 

Or something. 

We’re bringing something. 

Dan is getting help with the recording. Maureen just wants you to stop eating the carpet. Both are here to talk coping, doing good, and the unreasonable demands of fish.

SaysWhovia: a sunny place for you to visit whenever you need. *squirts you with hand sanitizer*

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

Oh hello, SaysWhovia. We were just bleaching everything. Sit down here, on this nice clean seat. We boiled it.

Yes, you know what we’re talking about—the coronavirus. It’s the most popular microbe around. We don’t want to freak anyone out, except maybe the entire Trump administration who do not seem to be aware that it is happening. Which is why they all went to CPAC and coughed all over each other and now the most hilarious quarantine of all time is happening. Imagine not being able to touch Ted Cruz for fourteen days. Great, isn’t it?

Of course, there is still an election, which means that two shoe sisters are at odds with one another. Whose balls are lower? Stretchier? How can we find out?

In any case, everything is safe here in SaysWhovia. We’ve never touched Ted Cruz.

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

Oh, don’t mind us, SaysWhovia. We’re just bleaching this podcast before you listen. It’s going to be very clean. We want you to know that our podcast is entirely safe to consume and free of viruses. Because that’s on a lot of people’s minds. Especially Dan. Dan is ready. No one is as ready as Dan. Not you, and not the government, or Mike Pence, or the CDC or anyone. Maureen has been getting on and off of planes, which makes Dan all twitchy. He wants her to stay inside, with a mask on, eating beans.

But forget all that. It was Super Tuesday. Candidates were dropping out all over the place, and Joe Biden suddenly lurched his long, hairy legs into the lead. Was Corn Pop by his side? We do not know. But someone does know a lot about Joe Biden and she has come to talk about him. She has not come alone.

Things are getting very 2020 around here. Grab a mask, SaysWhovia, and join us in the disinfectant yurt.

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

It’s the end of February! And in 2020, that means we are sandwiched between primaries and debates like some kind of Arby’s “we’ve got the meats” scenario except instead of meats it’s just unrelenting campaigning. Maureen is back from her vacation. She saw a boat! She saw a fish! She didn’t see the last debate, but that’s okay! Dan will fill her in.

Michael Bloomberg continues to be the Frye Festival of candidates, offering microinfluencers and randos money to text their friends because…why not? It’s 2020. Do your grift out in the open. And while we are on the subject of Team Bloomberg, Maureen wants to know what the fuck those guys are doing. She demands to know.

Trump was raveling this week. He went to India, and Dan and Maureen are here to do what they do best—look at the menu. He was also mad about the Oscars, which prompted Maureen to have a look back at a very informative profile published in 1997 that contains some truly remarkable tidbits. It turns out things have been weird for far, far longer than we knew.

Says Who: brought to you by Michael Bloomberg.

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

Ahoy, SaysWhovians! It’s the Good Ship Good News! It sailed into our port. It’s been so long since we’ve seen it. Dan has visited Disneyland. Maureen is on vacation. Today, they will speak only of happy things. That’s what Dan has planned.

Well. There will be a few little things. Like John Bolton’s book. And Stephen Miller’s weird wedding. But nothing will get in the way of… What’s that noise? Maureen is saying something. She wants to tell Dan a dream she had—a dream about a shark. A shark that comes in through a window. What a strange dream. Surely, it means nothing. What’s that? Maureen has something else she wants to tell Dan. Something Dan does not want to hear. Why is Dan crying? What’s happening? Was that ship in our harbor a pirate ship? Or was it full of sharks?

We’re going to need a bigger boat, SaysWhovia

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho