This week we are mourning our beloved X-Files office being burnt down while we discuss “The End”! We’re talking the excessive cymbals on the soundtrack, how Spender and Krycek are two sides of the same dorky coin, how Mulder has been saving up his older brother energy and he’s ready to bully Spender, the Cigarette Smoking Man going full Gone Girl, how we are not going to stand for this Quiet Willy slander, and we roll our eyes a lot at the Jealous Scully storyline. We spend a lot of time hating on the dumbass jealousy plotline, get pre-sad about the end of the Vancouver seasons, get worried about these old men hanging out under a bridge, cheer at a Classic Mulder Yell™, and acknowledge how hard it is to be intimidating while rolling a window down. Also, Scully’s greatest line: “Mulder, he was goofing on you!” Yes, he was.

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This week we are accusing our bosses of being soul-sucking bug creatures while we discuss “Folie a Deux”! We’re talking how surprising it is that this is Mulder’s first time being institutionalized, examine our anti-bug AND anti-zombie biases and try to be better people, propose a Sku Crew + Kimberly bottle episode, and spend an inordinate amount of time talking about slip-’n-slides loaded with expired chili being used to turn rogue employees into zombies by insect bosses. Yeah, we may have lost the plot with this one, lads. We return to Cursin’ Kim Manners’ love for bugs, notice how much The X-Files loves a conversion disorder, how Skinner ain’t no desk jockey, and of course give “You’re my one in five billion” its due. This episode also features the biggest lie that Scully has ever told: Agent Mulder is sound of mind and fit for duty. Girl, you KNOW that’s not true.

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This week we are going undercover while we discuss “The Pine Bluff Variant”!  We’re talking why on God’s green earth they would ever send Mulder of all people undercover, awkward board rooms that seem designed to cause drama, the battle of the special little guys, Mulder jogging around and chanting “Mulder Mulder Mulder” as inspiration, Skinner being a faithless wench, and the absolutely shocking revelation that there are apparently 27 bank robberies A DAY in this world. 27! A day! We work on our audition tapes with some thriller music, talk about how much Mulder loves living in the doghouse, return to Scully’s very special driving skills, and enjoy some ugly Halloween masks. Also: Be careful of those waifish 15-year-old usherettes. They can be brutal.

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This week we are beset by religious visions while we discuss “All Souls”! We’re talking how much Scully loves killing kids, Mulder’s being on our shit list this week because of how dismissive he is, the discovery of a Marita with a personality, how we simply do not have time to solve the question of “Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?” in this 45-minute episode, and of course spend a lot of time throwing tomatoes at our old enemy Father McBoo. We’re talking how much the priests in this episode suck because they keep discounting Scully’s religious visions, Scully witnessing an angel in the flesh and then getting over it immediately, and how much Mulder escalates the second Scully is in danger. We also advocate for an emergency priest vehicle with a giant cross coming out the sunroof. It would be useful, honestly!

NOTE: Please submit questions and comments for our Season 5 round-up episode by April 23rd!

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This week we are seeing through our murderer-father’s eyes while we discuss “Mind’s Eye”! We’re talking Detective Stinky looking like a made-for-TV Darth Vader, Marty being yet another in a long line of M’s Mulder is interested in, how weird it is to shove razor blades into a wall, propose a new segment Special Little Guy of the Week, and get seriously off the rails talking about the Bad Grandpa Cinematic Universe. We track the development and possible origin of Mulder’s hatred of the Ice Capades, laugh at Mulder being so offended by being called skeptical, and show our appreciation for the nickname “Little Monster”. I truly cannot emphasize how much we talk about grandpa-themed movies in this one, folks.

NOTE: Please submit questions and comments for our Season 5 round-up episode by April 23rd!

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This week we are heading back to the 50s to check in with Mulder’s dad while we discuss “Travelers”! We’re talking Mulder’s floppy flashback hair, Arthur Dales mansplaining HUAC, spend a lot of time discussing Mulder’s mysterious wedding ring (which is exactly what Duchovny wanted! Curse you!), Arthur Dales’s primary character motivation being Conflicted™, and Bill Mulder’s Olympic snorkeling career. Yes, even if you wanted us to, we will never stop talking about Scuba Bill. You can take Scuba Bill from our cold, dead hands! We advocate for bringing “mopes” back, adore Dorothy: inventor of the X-Files (!!!), and boo Arthur Dales’s Lame Deep Throat energy. Also, our new favorite sound clip: Boy, you know what an X-File is?!

NOTE: Please submit questions and comments for our Season 5 round-up episode by April 23rd!

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This week we are caught in the middle of an alien war while we discuss “The Red and the Black”! We’re talking the Backroom Boys’ evil observation lobby, how Krycek spends half his life handcuffed to things, wonder what the black oil tastes like, the medics being All Over Scully, talk about Mulder and Krycek’s storm-tossed relationship, and for some reason talk about Milf Manor a lot. We mourn the passing of the great American hero Quiet Willy, scold Spender for not letting his mom get burned up in a cult suicide, discover that Scully would be a great shin-kicker, Mulder’s military arrest punch card, and different species of alien emojis. Also, in a completely unsurprising plot development, the Cigarette Smoking Man is still alive?! To which we shrug and say: Yeah. We knew. We all knew.

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This week we are investigating alien lighthouses while we discuss “Patient X”! We’re talking Mulder being addicted to people hating him, Amanda chemical burning all her meat, Jeffrey Spender’s fear of becoming Spooky Spender, Scully very reluctantly admitting to aliens, and welcome back the greatest boy Krycek. Alex Krycek: every line a clunker. We spend a lot of time missing the cool Amish aliens, discover that the Backroom Boys are really a metaphor for climate change, cheer on our new favorite character Quiet Willy, get jump-scared by Krycek and Marita hardcore making out, and chart the development of a new polycule. Hey. It’s been a while.

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This week we are confronting the slippery nature of truth down in Texas while we discuss “Bad Blood”! We’re talking the all-important question of whether Cowboy Sheriff Luke Wilson is hot or not, how much we love Scully’s version of Mulder, whether FBI HR has a battle plan in the event of Mulder and Scully getting together, how the only thing Scully loves more than snacking is working, how Mulder knows something about moaning in a cemetery, and how both David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are at Peak Hotness in this episode. Not to be shallow or anything, but we’re fanning ourselves over here! We’re talking about how men only care about hot wings, how Mulder is startled by being confronted by ugly people, the indignity of light cream cheese, and propose a Breaking Bad version of "Bad Blood". Please, Vince. We’re begging over here!

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This week we are nurturing nascent AI in the artificial slime of the Internet while we discuss “Kill Switch”! We’re talking Scully shooting a Roomba, discuss Mulder and Scully’s respective goth-jock-nerd-prep alignments, we wish that this episode’s unfortunate misogyny could just be chalked up to Scully and Invisigoth’s jock-goth rivalry, we get jump-scared by multiplying sexy Silent Hill nurses, and develop more of the Chris Carter Hand Lore. We discover that Mulder is very into being smothered by sexy nurses, we cheer on Scully girlboss roundhouse-kicking AI projections to death, we question this episode’s conception of AI, we might have bisexual Scully confirmation (in our own heads, that is), and we just kind of wonder what in the heck is going on in this episode, just in general. We have questions. Also: Scully could totally catch a missile with one hand because she is A Jock.

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