This week we are collecting demon babies like Pokemon while we discuss “Terms of Endearment”! We’re talking Betsy’s absolutely terrifying human eyes (much scarier than her demon eyes), Mulder digging through the X-Files trash like a gremlin, whether Za Za Za is a satanic chant or just a hint that someone’s hungry, celebrate Bruce Campbell but mourn the missed opportunity for him to ham it up, and enjoy Scully saying “Mulder, it’s me” right to his face. We shake our heads at Mulder’s patented investigative method involving puns and pithy remarks, giant containers of FIBER, Mulder saying he’s not a psychologist (What?!), and the very fun plot twist. Don’t miss this one. We’d hate…. Like the DEVIL for that to happen. (Ha! Get it?)

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This week we are exploring a haunted mansion while we discuss “How the Ghosts Stole Christmas”! We’re talking how Scully would NOT still be shopping on Christmas Eve, ghost relationship goals, how haunted houses are just a spawn point for Mulder, Mulder and Scully getting Sims-ed, how no woman has ever been as stressed out as Scully is, how hurtful it is that Mulder didn’t get invited to Christmas, and Mulder stealing Scully’s car keys. We explore Tara Scully and her freak-ass Christmas habits, cheer on stars of the silver screen Ed Asner and Lily Tomlin, delineate the post-Ghostbusters pre-Mythbusters world we’re living in, and how sad they are dragging themselves bloody across the ground. Remember Robe Wife? We sure do.

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This week we are involved in some wacky hijinks at Area 51 while we discuss “Dreamland II”! We’re talking how real it is that Teena covers all the furniture in plastic, our new favorite watering hole the Little Ale’Inn (a Western-themed alien bar? Hello!), how Discount Discount Spender becomes Premium Spender, we rate the men of the show on their abilities to cook, and we lose our minds at the reveal of Mulder’s bedroom. We get excited about the revelation that the Lone Gunmen just live together, talk about how this body swap is a real win for Fletcher’s wife, request a mandroid army, shake our heads at how emotional Mulder and Scully get, and boo Morris when he’s mean to the Lone Gunmen. Not cool!

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This week we are getting body-swapped outside of Area 51 while we discuss “Dreamland I”! We’re talking Mulder’s military-arrest punch card, Discount Discount Spender, how we’re a little disappointed that Mulder and Scully didn’t swap bodies, how Area 51 is surprisingly lame and boring, and Morris Fletcher: Feminist Ally. We support Scully in killing Fletcher (she can do whatever she has to do!), brush up on our choreography for the Duck Soup-inspired mirror dance, discover that Scully refuses to show her badge to Mulder, talk about how much Kersh loves chewing them out, and how sad it is that Mulder has to cover up evidence this week. That and fire are his trauma!

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This week we are caught in a 1930’s time warp while we discuss “Triangle”! We’re talking one-shot takes, King of De-escalation Mulder, how much we love fast-talking take-charge Scully, propose some Rope (1948) merchandise, get worried about Skinner losing his vacation pay, enjoy Chris Carter’s uninspiring episode commentary, discover that Skinner and Kersh are divorced dads fighting over custody of Mulder and Scully, and have a heated debate over whether Kimberly likes the Boo Crew. We appreciate the illustration of the layout of the FBI office, celebrate not one but TWO kisses (and you KNOW this is not the first time Skinner and Scully have macked on each other), how relatable it is that Mulder kisses Scully and then immediately flings himself off a ship into the ocean, and take issue with the fake lore that Mulder hates the Spice Girls. Also, this episode features one of the most Skinner lines of all time: “God bless America and get your asses out of here.”

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This week we are speeding down Nevada highways so our heads don’t explode while we discuss “Drive”! We’re talking Mr. Cranston’s real Walter White-ass behavior, quiet kissers, how much Mulder needs his bedtime call with Scully, how excited Kersh is about chewing the Boo Crew out, wonder where our guy Skinner is, and cast Vince Gilligan in the Fast and Furious franchise. You know he’d be good at it! We applaud Amanda’s acting debut as the episode’s medical examiner, decide definitely on a name for an X-Files sufferer, propose some goofy credits, and discover how long we can hold our breaths. Thanks, “Drive” for Breaking Bad!

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This week we are hunting for bodybuilder aliens in nuclear reactors while we discuss “The Beginning”! We’re talking the show entering its LA Era, try to come up with a name for Spender and Fowley’s Bargain Bin Boo Crew, Mulder itemizing his trip to Antarctica (because of course he would), how absurd it is that Scully is still this much of a skeptic in Season 6, and how Mulder is like Medusa: Stare into his puppy-dog eyes and you will ruin your career. We’re talking how Skinner is on thin ice this week, how it’s not right to see Mulder and Scully in direct sunlight, how Mulder and Fowley love jogging along like gazelles, how the nuclear reactor gets an OSHA exception for vibes, how Spender is not capable of being the guy, how poor Gibson and this alien need to run away together ET-style, and we wonder who the heck this Kersh guy is. Also: I guess we’re all part extraterrestrial now?!

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The time has finally come! This week we are trying to outrun spaceships in Antarctica while we discuss The X-Files: Fight the Future movie! We’re talking cavemen with blistering sexual tension, our special little guy the fire chief and his Texan men, count up fan service (and disservice) points, cheer on Scully yelling at people, boo at Z-list Backroom Boys, and get really angry at a cockblocking bee. That damn bee is the big bad of the whole show! We demand to see Scully’s biceps, get excited because Mulder and his belief in aliens is SO back, wave goodbye to the Well-Manicured Man’s arm gone flying off-screen, do not appreciate jelly flesh, and get sad that Mulder’s goo love has betrayed him. We also dispense some very practical advice: Whatever you do, do not get stuck in an X-Files hole. Just don’t.

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This week we are taking a breath and looking back at Season 5 as a whole. We’re talking saying goodbye to Vancouver, the evil interview warehouse, how much we do not want to be perceived by the cast, the surprising Schizogeny contingent, and of course, The X-Files/Breaking Bad crossover we are all clamoring for. We read some listener emails, definitively rank all the episodes, make some movie predictions, and play a game that is absolutely narrowcasted for us and no one else, so hopefully other people find it funny. We advocate for a Marita Winter Soldier plot in the movie, clap for The Truth, and Amanda does a live-react to the movie trailer.

Note: Listen after the credits for a fuzzy little bonus :)

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This week we are mourning our beloved X-Files office being burnt down while we discuss “The End”! We’re talking the excessive cymbals on the soundtrack, how Spender and Krycek are two sides of the same dorky coin, how Mulder has been saving up his older brother energy and he’s ready to bully Spender, the Cigarette Smoking Man going full Gone Girl, how we are not going to stand for this Quiet Willy slander, and we roll our eyes a lot at the Jealous Scully storyline. We spend a lot of time hating on the dumbass jealousy plotline, get pre-sad about the end of the Vancouver seasons, get worried about these old men hanging out under a bridge, cheer at a Classic Mulder Yell™, and acknowledge how hard it is to be intimidating while rolling a window down. Also, Scully’s greatest line: “Mulder, he was goofing on you!” Yes, he was.

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