As I turn to like myself, I realize that I am stunningly sexy.

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The reason why I love myself is not because of

Who I am 🤨
Who I was 🤓
Who I’ve been 😏
Who I’ll become 🥰

But because of,
Who I am being 🌈

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Role-based Training in Life.

I like to describe my orientation to finding a life partner as „sapiosexual". This is an academic term. No worries, I don’t take its regular definition. I just borrowed the name and interpret it myself:

Sapio-, means „wisdom“. 

I use my wisdom to measure my current status, discovering the one who can weigh my tension and grow my lightness, to stay together. Although the time to get along with each other may be limited, during this relationship, I can let go of more pressure and anxiety than when I was staying single.

„Oh My Goodness! I found out that I am actually a fool. I have a very bad temper. I am really annoying. I think this kind of me would hurt people who get close to me.

Why don't you say it before the relationship starts? I didn't know at that time, I was fooling around. I keep thinking about many things. I detected others' actions, listened to gossip, and imagined „what I would look like in others’ minds“. I can't care about my relationship.

I do care „what I look like“. This is me. I seem to be very easy-going, but I am always hiding something deeply."

I mind it. I have secrets, I have things I am 100% aware of, but I don’t want to show them. I just need to know them clearly, and understand why I will have a certain secret…Because „I am tired. I am acting like a person I don’t want to be. I am acting. I am tired of this acting.“

What do I mind for now? 
All my looks as an individual.

#sexy_umy #lastthreeepisodes

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My Orientation Differs.

Thinking about it seriously, who would I want to have a love romance with?
With Kong Liu, the Korean superstar. And Anri Nakamura, I just knew her recently, in Japanese dramas and in magazine interviews. If Eddie Redmayne is single, I am craving badly. 

Have I ever sexually fantasized about them? No.
But thinking of them makes me shiver.

I confirmed my sexual orientation. But there is no way to be sure, who I will fall in love with. How could this be?

Because sexual orientation is a personal trait.

Not my love radar.

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Sexual Orientation.

American Psychological Association (2005, Interpreted from Kinsey): Sexual Orientation exists along a continuum that ranges from exclusive homosexuality to exclusive heterosexuality and includes various forms of bisexuality.

Umy(2021)：
Hetero—Me———Homo

We can distinguish sexual orientation by the „degree" towards the two extremes. So totally, how many kinds of sexual orientations can we have?

We have "unlimited kinds" of sexual orientation.

I confirmed my degree within the two extremes as about 70% heterosexual and 30% homosexual. I am bisexual. I am bisexual with 70% Androphilia and 30% Gynephila.

If my partner is biologically female, I am currently homo. If my partner is biologically male, I am now hetero.

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Genders & Pornography. 
What is the average age of a child’s first exposure to porn? Age 11? Maybe much earlier, since websites often have pornographic advertisements and news appearing around the web pages. I am distracted: I saw it, I took a look at it.

When I see the close-up shot of a human’s private parts, I feel uneasy. When I read some sensational news, I become curious. If I glimpse the clip, I will be sexually aroused: But soon, I feel embarrassed, I lay on the bed, annoyedly. I want to punch someone, I'm furious. 

Give me gentle clips, or plain texts. And romance! 

That’s right.

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Genders and Gossips.
Talking about genders, these are the most gossip sayings I’ve heard. „Why do you stay single? Always flirting with guys? So lewd!“ "You know this blue joke? Hey girl, that’s not good.“ "Your friends are all GAYs, are you sick too?“ „Queers don't have sexuality, that’s horrible." „You’ve never dated with anyone? Are you asexual?"

Without understanding those terms, I said it out rudely.

There are many gender terms that I don’t know, and there are many gender categories that I actually don’t understand. As I heard that they are different in "gender", I know that one of their personal traits is different from mine, so I am afraid: What kind of person are they?

At first, I thought I was telling a joke. In fact, I have no manner and no common sense.

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Gender and Personal Traits.
Most of my friends are heterosexual, but there are also many homosexuals and some bisexuals. How did I discover their sexual preferences? I didn't find it, they told me directly. 

I don’t have Gaydar, and I do guess theirs wrong! I often think of hetero boys as homos, because he and one of my gay friends is so alike...especially their personal traits. 

But then I realize that even my homo friends differ in their behaviors and expressions. Mr.A has a soft voice and is really tough, while Mr.B has a husky voice but is always wavering. Who is more GAY? I can’t tell. 

What can I do then? I can only regard them as “two different person-s.”

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Genders & Dignity. 
I am a bit traumatized.

Where? In the library and in the underground parking lot, someone followed me. In the swimming pool and on the bus, the person heading-on in the opposite lane stretched his hand into my swimsuit, and the guy sitting next to me used his elbow to squeeze my breasts.

When? At the moment of getting on and off the MRT, a stranger pressed a boy's bottoms.

I feel awful when recalling these memories. 

It was me being harmed and assaulted, why did I keep blaming myself and thinking that it was my fault? “You, who assaulted me, this is your problem.”

Besides, is it easier to sexually assault a boy or man? Maybe yes, because they care about dignity.

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