Sexy Umy

EP. 9  See Myself 

I am so obsessive with being in control, I am a control freak. 

I like to manipulate my words and deeds. I commanded myself to speak with only one voice and only one attitude towards people. Once my negative emotions were shown owing to accidentally losing control, I warned myself: „How could I show up the emotions that I shouldn't even think about? How should I deal with them now?“

Thinking in this self-blaming way made me feel better. This was how I trained myself, and I thought I was brilliant. But there was a side-effect. If I ran into a whisper of strangers, I subconsciously reflected those contents on myself „Yes, they are talking about someone like me.“, and then I considered silently in minds „Yes, every time when I am gossiping others, those details are not really about them, I am asking myself „Am I just comparing myself with them?““ 

So when I gossip, I am actually showing people Who I Think I Should Be.

I crave for living influentially within humans. I blamed myself and felt sacrificed so that I got fitted in living. I have been looking for „the meaning of my life„. I thought that doing emotional sacrificing could I be settled down meaningfully. And because I knew that “this was not the thing that humans would do”. This process is abnormal, super painful, and unnecessary, so I was doing the most challenging mind-training in the world. I didn’t notice that the "I" that is constantly shown in the sayings above strongly implies that I Think I Am Different.

I always felt out of place and couldn’t live easily in my social network. 

I felt isolated. I couldn’t be myself. I didn’t know who I was. So I did the Enneagrampersonality test. The test results are very long. I only pasted the parts that I think are me: I am generous. I am not afraid of challenges. I feel blessed to share. I explore novelty. I create new ways of thinking. 

After reading the line above, I still couldn’t get a clear image of myself, it's too general. Why? Those words are a saying of decision, a way of expression that can be controlled and practiced by humans. The key is whether I "decide" to express it like this or not. 

But I just want to see „who I am". So I discovered myself from my relationships: The way how I act in the face of humans. 

In the relationship, I constantly switch between the leading and following roles. Leading and following means the feeling when interacting with people. It may be who is calling whom, who is taking care of whom, who is helping whom, but the most important thing is that I predicted others’ reactions beforehand unconsciously. I switched my role even before we met. I thought that this time, this conversing with each other, I have to play the main role on stage, or I should be seated clapping in the auditorium. 

For these two roles: 80% of the time I take on the leading role, I try to take over all stuff coming through, and 20% of the time I choose to be the following role, I stay quietly as an audience.

From these two roles, I inferred my personality. I am the older sister, or young girl, a tomboy or naughty child. Are they the kinds of personality? They are just different naming of human looks. 

They are my genders. I see myself in these personalities and name them distinctively. I control all the roles, I decide at what moment, which appearance will I show, what will I say to whom. 

All plots are improvised right away. 

In my last life drama so far, I controlled my expressions, criticized my reactions, despised my words from saying, writing, to copying-and-pasting. I am too familiar with every storyline. I'm tired of acting, I'm not just an actor anymore. Now, for the next chapter, I choose where to act, I write what to act, I know who to act. I decide how to act. 

Because, I am the producer. 
Above my genders is my mind. 

As I flow between different genders, at each moment, I take a distinctive decision, with the most suitable words and deeds that I can show to feel comfortable. These genders, roles, or say, personal traits, hang together like a pearl-necklace.

And I am the mind-keeper, I see my genders come and go.

When I look back, I discovered that this is the path of my maturity. When I looked down, I found out that this is what the whole society looks like. When I looked what’ve been, I realized that I am changing, and I am always moving on.

When it comes to Gender, it always causes chaos, disputes or implies politics, because this word is too simple, because everyone has gender, so it is very easy to manipulate for earning irrelevant benefits.  As a result, the use of the term „Gender“ is out of control. So, what is the simplest meaning of Gender?

What do I think about myself? I use „gender, personal traits, love romance, relationship, family, job title, annual salary, appearance, and educational background“ to evaluate my meaning in life. 

I realize that all items in the "" are the materials I used to write for my personal drama. Why are they materials for me? Because they are all frames. The frames for me to settle my story. I preferred using the gender frame. Once the storyline is completed, I edited, deleted, and rewrote the plot. Why? Because I feel fixed in the characters. I want to be myself. But I’ve never noticed that nothing is fixed. Really? Why? Because…

Gender, is just a way I see myself.

And from now on, I am seeing through myself.

Powered by Firstory Hosting

Mind Myself.
I'm not really in the relationship.

I have been busy all the time. No matter how long we’ve got along with each other, I pretend to be passionately in love, in front of everyone. This is tiring.

When I am in love, I used to behave perfectly, even though that is not what I intended to show. I would have resistant feelings, but I knew I could bear them. After every struggle, I comforted myself: Umy, it’s okay! Give them your warm smile, as you always know, „giving is more blessed than receiving.“

In my daily life, I often yield my seat to others, the seat called Umy’s needs. I hide what I need. I keep moving and observing: „Who is in need of what? I have to solve those needs firstly.“

Do I really see what they need at the moment? I don’t know, I didn’t ask. Maybe I looked observant, but actually, I was just guessing. Because I believe that people shouldn’t just care about themselves.

I think „Caring Only Myself“ is selfish.
It is such an undesirable thing.
If I did it, I would blame myself to death.

I am very strict with myself.
I treat myself in a critical way.
I train myself with a sense of shame.

If I decide to start an intimate relationship, my self-trainings will be terribly strengthened. Why? I have to care about my partner, this is what I promise to do as I agree to begin this relationship. I realize that I am always tired after the infatuated stage. I sensed that I have been giving up so many wants during this stage, I volunteered to do so, I could tell that it is called „Love Sacrifice“, and I thought this process is normal.

Of course, it is abnormal. I am fantasizing about myself in the name of „love“. I never blame myself, I never train myself, I blame my attitude to love, and my immaturity to love. That is why I am not in love with the person. I am observing my feeling and response towards intimacy. I am evaluating my behaviors and attitudes towards relationships. I am understanding what I need in my intimate relationship. Why? 

Because I want to start a family, raise children, and parent a new life. I have to be clear of what I need first. 

And the next step for me will be asking
„Who is suitable for me?“

From these 7 aspects: Self-expressions, dark thoughts, financial status, working hours, personal relationships, physical condition, and hygiene habits, we should be balanced with each other.

More importantly, only when we fancy each other at the same level can we have the chance to start a relationship. If they is not that into me, sorry and bye.

I like to describe my orientation to finding a life partner as „sapiosexual". This is an academic term. No worries, I don’t take its regular definition. I just borrowed the name and interpret it myself:

Sapio-, means „wisdom“. 

I use my wisdom to measure my current status, discovering the one who can weigh my tension and grow my lightness, to stay together. Although the time to get along with each other may be limited, during this relationship, I can let go of more pressure and anxiety than when I was staying single.

„Oh My Goodness! I found out that I am actually a fool. I have a very bad temper. I am really annoying. I think this kind of me would hurt people who get close to me.

Why don't you say it before the relationship starts? I didn't know at that time, I was fooling around. I keep thinking about many things. I detected others' actions, listened to gossips, and imagined „what I would look like in others’ minds“. I can't care about my relationship.

I do care „what I look like“. This is me. I seem to be very easy-going, but I am always hiding something deeply."

I mind it. I have secrets, I have things I am 100% aware of, but I don’t want to show them. I just need to know them clearly, and understand why I will have a certain secret…Because „I am tired. I am acting as a person I don’t want to be. I am acting. I am tired of this acting.“

What do I mind for now? 
All my looks as an individual.

Powered by Firstory Hosting

Favor Myself.

I walked into the closet.

When I was a child, I was easily affected by unhappiness. I didn’t know how to adjust my feelings. I became more and more scared, and I started to have dark thoughts.

When I was super angry, I would yell in my mind: "I want everyone to disappear!" I realized this thought, and I yelled back in my heart: "Shut up! What are you thinking about, how can you think like this? You are a devil." I kept warning myself, but I still had the idea of „killing everything," so I locked the door and hid in the closet. I was afraid that I would get out of control.

I was holding my breath in the closet, I wanted to kill myself. I failed to hold my breath, I didn't want to die. „I'm so timid.“ I stayed in the closet angrily scolding myself.

After elementary school, I walked out of the closet. Why?

A couple of months before the graduation, the letters exchanging between me and my female classmate was seen by the parents, and they were very nervous. I heard the words „they are doing lesbian things“, I was frightened. „I am a pervert.“ I decided that I shouldn't do this anymore. „Lyrical writing is dangerous, I’ll encounter taboos, I’ll be unethical and immoral.“ I didn't cry anymore, my writing was getting longer and longer, more and more obscure, very difficult to understand. Just listen to episodes 1-3, see those contents, they are deliberate and exaggerated.

Since then, I only wrote about the sky, leaves, food, and water, "I can't write about my romance.“

As I entered middle school, I made friends with shy and quiet classmates. From them, I noticed the weakness I cared about most: I was emotionally repressed. I often talked to them about their interests, I collected lame jokes and told the same jokes to them every day! We laughed and felt relaxed, and then I would meet their core personality. I like this. I feel awesome.

Then I began to wonder, what about myself? During my childhood, even though I had been through a lot of mistakes, angers, and fears, I could walk out of the closet, never go bock and hide myself. But why was I still feeling terribly blue?

"I am sure that I have sexual favor to girls."
This is the first fear. I think I am lesbian.
"I am sure that I also have sexual favor to boys."
This is the second fear. I realized that I am bisexual.

How can I be sure? In my sexual fantasies, besides with men, I also imagine being intimate with sexy ladies: we hug and sleep together naked. The fantasies started when I was 7 years old, and the plot hasn’t changed much so far. Before teenage hood, I felt very excited when imagining the plots. In the ages of puberty, when fantasizing the detail, I will be sexually excited.

However, the deeper fear is:
"I'm not sure if being bisexual means I am abnormal.“

I found that in the aspect of biological sex, sexual orientation is most commonly viewed within two extremes: Androphilia and Gynephilia. Androphilia means the admiration for males, while Gynephilia means for females.

We can distinguish sexual orientation by the „degree" towards the two extremes. So totally, how many kinds of sexual orientation can we have?

According to the degree of admiration for the two biological sex, I put the two extremes, Androphilia and Gynephilia, on a line, but change their names. Because for me, my admiration for males stands for „heterosexuality“, I put it on the left. So the right side, which describes my admiration for females, is „homosexuality“.

On this line, each person's position is not the same. Thus I know, people’s sexual orientation can differ. Actually, it should be distinctive between human beings. 

We have "unlimited kinds" of sexual orientation.

I confirmed my degree within the two extremes as about 70% heterosexual and 30% homosexual. I am bisexual. I am bisexual with 70% Androphilia and 30% Gynephila.

If my partner is biologically female, I am currently homo.
If my partner is biologically male, I am now hetero.

I also want to make sure, "Am I a normal person?"
Will I always change my partners? Will I be in a relationship with a man and a woman at the same time? Will I become sexually addicted?

They all depend on my "personality." 
It has nothing to do with my "sexual orientation“.

Why did I even pop up with these questions?
Because I didn't understand at that time, that sexual orientation differs from person to person. When there is something that I don’t understand, I think it “strange”. When there is something that I can’t explain, I think it „sick“.

Finally, I understand. When I say something „abnormal, problematic, psyche“, it just means that I haven’t got any clear idea of it. 

Now, I got it. Our sexual preferences differ, that’s normal.

Powered by Firstory Hosting

EP.6 Stay Moral 
I cheated. I didn’t read my boyfriend's message for days, but I talked to another person until midnight, every day. 

We talked about relationships. I pretended to be seriously discussing morals of relationships. I told him, “I am uncomfortable with my partner now...” He understood me so well! He gave me rational advice, his thoughts about gender equality in relationships was so new to me. What he said shocked me.

At this point, I ended the conversation. I found myself moved. I confessed with my ex-boyfriend. I told him that I chatted with a guy after midnight.

"We just discussed tasks online" I was in tears, I apologized, I hugged him. With another one, I cheated again. 

As our relationship ended, I went to the last one I chatted with, he rejected me, we no longer talked. I felt helpless, I was not able to stay a normal life.

I couldn’t sleep, I ate an apple, that’s it, each day. I was afraid of meeting new people. My mind was always pondering, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. 

So I wrote down what kept in my mind:
"For more than 8 years, we were frank, we expressed our ideas thoroughly. After some years, I twined his words. I got pseudo amnesia. Why did I ignore him? I shouldn’t be unkind to him. I was too evil. No, I had something to say, I was unhappy, I was hiding.

What was I hiding?

I was hiding my temper. I constrained my anger. I denied my discomforts. I scolded... I became more vicious. When I was alone, I tucked my head in bed, struggling to mute my cries.

So I left him. I left him saying “I have to be myself”, without any concrete reason. Even when we were no longer couples, I blamed myself for ending everything.

I felt guilty. Therefore, I kept hurting my feelings in the post-breakup period. " 

These are what I'm thinking about. I read it again. 

I realized that I had misunderstood the meaning of "intimacy". It means to get a closer relationship with myself first, and the other, later. 

How can I not have a firm knowing of myself firstly? If I get no self-feelings, how do I get along with people? I must reveal my hidden secrets, my instant discomforts and instincts, otherwise I can't handle any interpersonal communications. 

I knew I was used to “look down to my thoughts”, because they are dark, random, blurred, irrational, they are not mine.

Nope, they are part of me. As I read them out, they hurried me to ease them: Darkness detected. Cleared. Roger.

Powered by Firstory Hosting

EP.5 No Kidding 
Since elementary school, I have been liking different people at each stage. I had feelings for my classmates, seniors, and so many others. I also favored girls, but this fact has annoyed me until now. Because I think to have feelings for both boys and girls is terribly lewd. 

Later, I learned that all the feelings are just me trying to recognize my own sexuality. During the process of sexuality recognition, I had tons of conversations in the middle of the night, I exchanged diaries sharing my daily sorrows, and I kept messaging people whose personalities are in sync with me. 

These are all the explorations of who I really am. 

Now, I look back at those moments. I have a very good memory. I observed,  "What was I thinking at that time, and why?" I got a clear answer. My self-exploration came earlier than my sexual desire, I started self-exploring since I was 11. A love letter can recall my feelings, and a love song can make me self- reflect right away. I'm touched! My heart is paralyzed! But I have no “sexual excitement”, no “arousal”, and no “orgasm”. 

At that age, I didn't even understand these terms at all.

During those conversations, I was wondering in the sky, feeling light and comfortable. Just holding hands, I am super happy, just a tender hug, my heart would melt, just a kiss on the cheek, my heart would go crazy. 

However, ever since I knew what “sex behaviors” mean, I paused my expressions. I waited, I kept the feelings, until it was the time for drama performance, for chorus singing, and for article writing, I exploded. 

Then, it came to my first relationship. I was completely active. I controlled the atmosphere, I adjusted my mood suddenly, I switched my voice tones and looks, so I could even act as a passive lover. At that time, I believed that the love relationship was meant to be binding, and sex was the key. 

I knew that our behaviors are normal. We are humans. Humans have sex, humans have sexual organs, humans have sexual impulses, humans have sexual excitement, and humans have orgasms. 

I didn’t know: how could I feel good in my body, but feel so bad in my mood. Why would I keep mixing up the detail of those nights? I looked insane. I got fantasies. I told nonsense. 

What’s wrong with me?

"I want to be a nun."
Seriously? No kidding. 
Think and say it out slowly.

"I am running away, I have been used. I dare not break up, I dare not fall in love. I can't get married and have children anymore." 

I was materializing myself, not treating myself as a human being. I thought of myself as an erotic tool, so I would be used. 

I’m single now. I am human. My sex is female. I am able to get pregnant. I am Umy Chang.

#sexy_umy #sexuality #umychang

Powered by Firstory Hosting

How do I talk to myself?
I scold myself when I am sad. I would always say, "Umy, what’s wrong with you? Good." Am I sure? Not really.

He hurt me.

He played tricks on me, my finger was scratched and bleeding by the broomstick. He was very scared, I knew. Because he pretended to be easy. He was afraid that I would lose control and go crazy. He thought that girls would cry, and it always made him into troubles.

Don't worry, not for me. Because I was afraid too. I’ve saw him been punished, that was so scary. I won’t let it happen again, at least this time. Let me cover him! I said “I’m fine” with a gentle smile. 

This is my professional "performance". I started it since  elementary school. But now I failed. That is my skin-deep “endurance”.

I must admit: It's you who bullied me. Why didn’t I cry? I don’t want to be mocked. Why didn’t I tell others? I don’t want to be hated. Why didn’t I go serious? Because I knew you like me.

How old am I? 10 years old.
How about you? The same.
Was I kind? I was worried. If I got mean, no one will ever like me.

So I endure. I feel weird, bad, and uncomfortable, but I look normal. I master this skill. I am the pro.

What is the limit of endurance?. Workaholic? Alcoholic? Binge eating? Non-stopped laughing?
Over-doing.

My love story is simple. I have been in a relationship once. And  now I am single. 

After installing the dating app a few times, or meeting friends a few times, I still quit all of them. I'm not interested. Besides, I'm tired...

What am I tired of? People who have a crush on me.

I don’t want to fit into their thoughts on me: “Umy must be nice. Be soft. Be tender.”

When interacting with people who like me, I detect the boundaries between us, making sure that their is no obscene lingers. I care for my feelings, I have to be clear that whether this romance is only a crave, or a challenge. I think of myself even more. I replay the conversation, knowing that I am not doing self-talk. So, let's meet again.

When it comes to relationship, I am worried about my personality, I am tired of my endurance, but I am proud of,

My Honesty.

Powered by Firstory Hosting

SP.2 How I Envy U

I envy you so much. Because you could always turn away and fly far from here. While my love is your heavy luggage, which hinders you from making up your mind to realize your new dream.
 
I miss you so much. When time becomes meaningless, I will always be thinking of you. Thus let me turn into a mailbox, for you can put all messages in it at all times. 

Powered by Firstory Hosting

Hey! Stop scrolling 📱. Take the bag and just go out. For what?

Answer all questions. 
Question my answers.
———————————————
EP.3 Too Humane 

I know myself too well.
When I am silent, I am going to leave. Why? I can't stand it anymore, let me go.

I don't understand myself .
I don’t know what I want to do the most. Why? Because I haven't found it yet.

I have too many aspects. I can't realize each of them at every moment, I'm so scared. I can't predict my looks or behaviors just seconds before I do them.

That’s not true. It is just an excuse. What I really mean is that…I'm afraid of being gossip. I put up a façade, so I am always nervous and getting tired easily. I shouldn’t show myself at first.

Since the connections between people are complicated, so are all social networks, there are rumors, verbal attacks, vicious messages all over the place. This world is very dangerous!

I'm enough: there are too many chat rooms to reply...every day there are stories about human sex and sexuality...that who is with whom...someone takes advantage of others...

I want to fight back.

But me, “I want to be nice to everyone.” If you slander me directly, I won't fight back. I am truly kind.

No. It is not my kindness. 
This is my stubbornness.

I utter inside my heart:
Since I will get hurt, don't go out! Stay here and protect myself.

However, I am very selfish. I ask selfish questions within my mind:
If I am old, who will protect me? If I am sick, who can take care of me? If I am gone, who will bury me?

Can I solve these problems? Oh, no! I am not sure…let me Google it on my phone…

Hey! Stop scrolling 📱. Take the bag and just go out. For what?

Answer all questions. 
Question my answers.

"Just do what you want." That sounds simple. But as I sitting quietly at the MRT platform, watching people passing by, 
this sentence seems more than its literal meaning. 

It means more, in my mind: Why didn’t I say “Just do what you want “ to you? 

Because when I am going to order you, I felt that you were not doing anything right; when I am not going to restrict you, I'm afraid that you will do nothing right.

The essence behind this saying is common: Doing what I want to do is always a challenge. Because I follow peoples’ ideas, I forget my own words.

What do I want? 

“To get up early? Or to sleep in?" I need to get enough sleep.

"Do I want to live in a family? Or do I just want to live single?"
I should consider beforehand: 

What I want to do are "those”, and what I need the most are "these". But then, they have to be done in "this way", so I can keep my comfortable living.

"Do I want to continue creating my artworks? Or do I want to live a steady life?" I know how to keep both steady.

This is my resilience.
In a tamely tough way, I am going to tell the facts.

Powered by Firstory Hosting

Gulf of Alaska

Singer: Firdhaus 菲道爾

Dear god, 
Can't you see that I love her so much? Two people who are in love with each other, Why do you have to break up them?

Dear god,
Please don don't secretly tell her that in the dead of night a man is thinking about her. Please take care of her for the rest of her life. I'm not by her side, you can't treat her bad. Don't let anyone walk into her life only to end up leaving her.

Because I never wanna see her cry again.

Powered by Firstory Hosting

EP.2 Super Sensual

Welcome to Umy’s super sensual world. Here, I am going to take adventures beyond what I’ve come to, I’ve seen and I’ve played.

Ready? Here we go!

Listen: I have superpower, I can read hearts in words, I know what people are thinking…yo!

“Monster!”

I am a person without ____.
Oh, that symbol is the "underline".

Mindful is my only trait: I love to consider. Consider things, consider people, consider myself. From time to time, I am transparent, not unseen but gentle. That’s why, I notice the nonsense between my words and behaviors. I find out the paradox of my responses and feelings. 

I see my facade. It is so strong.
But my core, my core is weak.

It doesn’t hurt.

My left cheek is red and swollen. The shapes of my eyes are different, I can only open the left one. I can't raise my left arm. Crushed stones plunge into my back. The glass thorn into my finger joints. A blade is running across my body, my blood is flowing harshly. My right thigh is bruised, I am walking lamely. 

I can't move my right foot. Is it a cramp in my leg? Or am I just being numb? 

I can't tell.

„If I don't mention my cares, I can bring no worries from anyone.“

It is not sickness, nor is it a sacrifice, it’s just me being "selfless“. I have this „un-sense of self-being„ that exceeds my own body and feels. So I am strongly willing to take no notice of my feelings, making myself considerate, and easy-going.

So what? My horror shows up. The origin want of myself, of „being myself“ hits me badly: I forget who I am. „What happened to me? What am I thinking? How am I feeling?“

I don’t know.

How am I going? Is my matter solved? Am I feeling better? Is my wound recovered? Am I still pretending to be thoughtfully „perfect“, and turn away shedding tears? I bring a lot of worries, to myself.

Hello! Where’s here?
I can’t see anything …?!!
Pull me up!

No, I am not falling.
I never fell in any hole.
It's not like that.

I never forget who I am.
I know exactly who I am.
I always know who I am.

Can’t I present who I am? Do I dare not to? Oops, I just forgot to show it.

Why do I hide myself? 
I'm afraid. I think my true self is bad, bad, bad.

What am I afraid of? 
Being surprisingly a different person that even myself, me, I have to introduce mine-self to myself.

What a complex word pun, so confusing. Take it easy.

I am just being expressive. Expressive? Does it mean that I have extreme senses to things?

Yes, this is me, a person having super sensual feelings, being able to switch between two extremely distinct emotions: sobbing and laughing, but speaking in a fairly normal way.

How did I make it?
Don’t make it up.
Do check it out.

Check out my traits, 
Weight my strengths, and 

Challenge all my limits.

Powered by Firstory Hosting