EP.10 For Myself
I am special.
I used to think of myself as others. So I constrained myself from words, behaviors to expressions. I found that I felt uncomfortable, being them is beyond my imagination, I kept doing the opposite deeds to be them, I am not any of them.
I am what I think.
I imagined "Who I am"
I am also how I see myself.
I see through "Who I am”.
When I put my knowing of "who I am" on dress and expression, this is what I am like.
During the whole process of creating this project, I wrote about humanity from the perspectives of human nature, gender, sex, emotion, gender, and relationships.
I mentioned gender twice.
I have been clinging to the topic of gender, except for the fact that I finally expressed my sexuality frankly, I intend to knit gender diversity into my artworks. It is not because that the issue is very controversial. I know that when I explain my emotions, struggles, feelings and thoughts, the contents resonate with many peoples’ feelings. I’ve discovered this emotion resonance already at the beginning of this year. From then I come to realize that "it is time for us to renew the culture." But since the blooming of culture does not happen overnight, so I am very worried that my words will shaken peoples’ feelings and beliefs. It would not be very comfortable for individuals. For instance, I say that in fact, for biological males nowadays, they are leaving away the cultural framework of male chauvinism, arrogance, or virgin complex. Biological females also are getting rid of the images of being innocent, indecisive, and insecure in any relationship.
Is there a firm or credential basis for my statements? How much uncertainty will my statements cause? How much panic will I cause? I kept thinking things like these the whole year.
What I didn't realize was that culture is super abstract. Culture is always creating and eliminating. So instead of worrying about the cultivating process of culture, and being uncertain about what concepts will grow after my words, I decided to be more direct and just look at my own feelings and thoughts. This is more practical.
I didn't disclose any big secret. I didn't become the richest person or a super star. I didn’t end the pandemic around the world. But I did something unique. So special for myself, I finally found it! I'm so excited! I want to share as soon as possible. I realize that
Humans are tough and genuine. From humanity, these traits are always within our nature.
Therefore I mention gender diversity, because everyone encounters sex, emotions, and relationships. Each time as I mention gender again, I would tell myself: My words are for “humans” like me; My words are for "humans of all genders” just like me.
On the last day of 2021, when I walked through the road full of lights and decos, my mind was strolling from the beginning to the end of this year. I remembered the first time in this book that I talked about gender.
On that day, I pointed out some interesting questions: "Genders are the rainbow, and I am the color palette" Do I agree with this sentence? Or how would I see sexuality within me?
Right after posting my Qs, I pictured a lot of street lamps and deco lights. At the moment, I come up with too many ways to answer my questions. I am "playing" with the questions.
Whenever I notice that I am playing with the questions, I know that I am not afraid of the challenge behind, thus I can play with them. How come I am not afraid of this challenge, which is named “human gender”?
Because I know it so well that gender is defined within my mind, so is me defining myself:
“Gender” is what I am passing by. “I” am what I am passing through.
Once I played, it becomes not any challenge for me. What is it? Of course, it’s a game.
The end.
Thanks for passing through all the writing with me in this book. Here I am giving this book as the gift for everyone like myself.
And? Happy New Year!
I am Umy Chang.
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