Sexy Umy

EP.1 Highly Sensitive 
When should I be honest with myself? 
Now. Just now.

"I am too sensitive. I am highly sensitive. I get hurt easily, every second I feel hurt.“

Once every month, I become weak, my body aches, and I am bleeding. A week before the bloodshed, or three days before, I feel terrible, I feel bad. Come on! The blood hasn't come out at all. Then my blood flows, like a torrent, like a rush river. Extremely tired I am that I even skip work, because it is too painful. „Kill me!“ I shout. No kidding. It was at the fifth grade in elementary school, when my period come for the first time. My blood stained all over the desk and chair. Boys were curious and yelled „Look! It’s blood!“. „What a shame!“ I cried inside. 

„Hey! No entry. Don’t go to the temple! No way.“
When the blood bleeds, I become super sensitive.

Sensitive, only for females having period? Of course not. People are all sensitive. People all have periods.

I feel the pain.

I lie on the bed, someone is beating, pinching, and punching me. I sit on the ground, I am watching him being kicked and caught, a group of others are playing the happy corner. I stand behind the pillar, and someone is grabbing her hair, splashing water and slapping her. I walk on the road, he drags me to the dark corner. I threaten a 3-year-old child with a knife. I grab my junior in the school and throw him away. I have no friends, and no one will talk to me after class. 

I am beating the wall and cursing wildly in my bedroom. 

I am useless.

When I am down, I stand on the edge of the roof. It’s unsafe, it’s awful, it’s dark. „Don’t jump!“

I jump.

I let go, I turn to the darkness. 
„Let it be.“ I can do, nothing.

It is so cloudy, so blind, so quiet. No! So noisy! So loud! So bright! What’s going on here? 

There is this dim light breaking free, free from our hour of trouble. „Too shining!“ „My eyes are aching“. I keep seeing these lights flickering, just like crystals. Why? Because I am super sensitive.

In my night, my painful night, with severe heartache… in which I wonder if I am dying, I am always attacked by these bright spots. At the moment, I listen to music, I drink coffee, or I just…have some sweets!

Guess what?
I connect all my feelings with the music I enjoy, the coffee I favor, the food I like, and those colorful light spots! Ah-ha!

It's really suitable for our beings. Hey, those plots also make me moved.

Why am I moved?
Too sexy? Too much.

There is an old Chinese saying that goes: 
„Am I the only sober mind in the drunk world?“
Nope, now we should say:
"The more secret the world is, the more frank we are.“

Sexy Umy Season 2, I’ve got more things. Gentle but direct. Keep following.

#sexy_umy #sensitive #umychang #psyche #highly_sensitive #synesthesia #empath #empathy #synesthete #relationship #sexeducation #female_period #male_period

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EP.17 I touch U
Go now!

Listen
carefully…https://open.firstory.me/story/cktvnyrr315l408526lvn3zuz/platforms

Who’s that guy?
“Wut?”
I saw it, on Ur phone.
“Whose-call(.com)?”
Nothing…
“That bitch again!?”
Why are U here?
“Where.”
Here, sleeping next to me.
“Because I love U.”
But I don’t want U here.
“No, come back.”
Let me go.
“I want U.”
But I don’t need U.
“U said yes last night.”
Not tonight.
“I love U…”
I love U too. Let me go.

“I love U…? (Murmur) Maybe.”

Wut the f***? U don’t love me just be cuz I want to sleep alone tonight?

“I love myself, more. And I have to protect myself. U can’t harm me! No more! Go
away!”

Alright. My pleasure?

“Our pleasures.”

#umy #umychang #metaartist #love #sex_relation #go_for_sex #go_for_lust
#go_for_more_sex #go_for_lost #go_back_to_self

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A Book of Humanity

I am Umy.
My Chinese name is Chang Yihsuan.
I am an artist.
I am an empath and a synesthete.
I'm also a cognitive linguist.
This is my first book.
It contains sounds, movies, and posts on Meta platforms.

What am I doing? 
I'm acting as a human.
Why acting? 
I'm writing things related to "sex". 
Why? Because human beings have sex. 
What am I recording? I am recording the sounds that people make at different times. Why? Because that is how humans "express" their existence. It includes human "desires" and "feelings." Those are the "nature" of human beings.

So what will I read in the end?
What would I find out?
What do I want to know?
Ask the author?
Ask Umy, the artist?
Hey, she’s gone.

How do you feel now?
Is this annoying?
It's so annoying! 
Tired now? 

Time for the book.
Pick a post and taste the flavor.

Sweet, salty, sour, bitter, spicy, hot, and cold things, they’re all in. All collected in this book.

New posts show up every day.
It is about the human essence.

It's sex. It’s humanity.
Also, “sexual assault”, the violation of human essence.

Why was it violated?
Who violated whom?
What do I feel now.
Afraid, scared, feared?
No, just funny :)

Wow, then no worries.
Come to “Me”,  read it now.

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EP.16 I see U
Hold on!

Listen to Me: https://open.firstory.me/story/cktvnu13h4g350981jfhkeald/platforms

Take them off!
“No.”
Take off Ur shirts.
“No.”
Take off Ur pants.
“Which one?”
Underpants!

“But I don’t wear any…”
Oh~la~la, pourquoi?
“

I ask U

I read books. I read all kinds of books. When I stepped into the bookstore, I took a look at the book I randomly picked up. I browse some paragraphs. I just pick one sentence and think about it. I memorize the keywords.

Recently, it has been a period for me to complete these huge artworks. It is not about creating on and on, but sorting out the "why", "what’s-wrong“ and "how-to" in the artworks. That is, self-interpretation in the state called „after-screening“, or „post-creation". In other words, I display the origin of my sound, video, and text, I present the physical and mental struggles at that moment. And lastly, I show my thoughts of passing through these struggles.

Is it hard? "Difficult?“ This is just a basic English word for describing hard things.
Is it hard? I read the book and it said:

"Human thoughts are like ten thousand horses galloping, like thousands of naughty monkeys jumping around, and the process of writing down is like grabbing these naughty monkeys one by one and arranging them one by one on paper. Our thoughts or Ego, their thinking speed is faster than that of ㄘlights, and thoughts are the origin of all fear, anger, sadness, and disgust. In order to stop this main source of pain in our lives, the actions and processes of writing help to stop random thoughts, and then I read what I wrote. I examine the impact of these thoughts and meanings in our lives."

This passage is taken from master Yijing Li's book. This book accompanied me through the first week of my bald head. In fact, I was able to get by with my hair shaved. What I couldn’t get through is that without my hair, my deep fear emerged: „Sex & Gender„. 

Yep, I mention these words, again.

During that week, in the middle of the night, I always woke up because I couldn’t breathe. I did not know why? I only knew that I was panting. I adjusted my breath after reading the words of master Li, and then I got the rhythm of my life.

What rhythm? So weird. 
Heartbeat. 

That was the first time I walked, worked, ate, and lived along with the pulse of my body. I felt it beating, I followed every beat of my heart.

I got it through, I got through the look of me as if having „no gender“.
Without gender, am I still a human?
I seem impossible to have sex, can I still be a human?
I don't seem to have sexual interests, can I still be a human?

This is my deepest fear.

It's heavy. Don't think about it too hard.
Is it hard? I said to myself:
"If I am willing, to be honest with myself, I can meet the unknown self, move to a supreme level, and become the most comfortable partner to accompany me.“

This is the last After-Screening Discussion.
Just keep following „Me“.

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EP.15 I found U
Where are U?

Listen first: https://open.firstory.me/story/cktrm1t5ws5ay09276gg24fy5/platforms

I feel so dark. 
I cannot see anything, nothing, nothing at all. I feel lonely, I feel sad, I
feel terrible, I am blind, I am helpless, I’m tired, and I can not sleep.

Then I I hear the beat.
A lot of beats, very hard! Very loud! Very strong! Very powerful!

They punch me instantly. Every night, like a heart attack!

I ignored it, every time. I don’t want to hear it. It scares me. It makes me
afraid. It gives me terror.

What are they?

OK, stop.
I listen to them.
Pon-pon, Pon-pon, Pon-pon 

My heartbeats. They are just my heart beats. 
They beat me, they touch me, they remind me: hey U? me? Umy!

It’s Ur own living.
It’s Ur all beats.
It’s U.
It’s me.
U make beats 
U make a box of beats 

U are a beatbox.

#umy #umychang #sexy_umy #metaartist #sexeducation #heartbeat #secure #safe
#self #terror #afraid #scare #unsure #uncertain

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I shake U

I am human. I only have sexual interests in humans.

I talk about the three attitudes in life. The three attitudes I talk about are attitudes towards money, relationship, and value. I talk about the foundation of these three attitudes. That is, my „limits“ for money, relationship, and value.

The attitude to money, for me, is the concept of „Exchange". The limit for this concept is my ability. What kind of ability? The ability that I can use in exchange for survival in life. That is, what I am made of.

What abilities do I have? (What can I do?)
Which ability is most comfortable for me to show? (What do I want to do?)
So, I show my ability comfortably.

The attitude to relationship, for me, is the concept of „Communication". What is the limit for interpersonal relationships? It is the most basic way that I express myself. That is, how I share things.

How would I express things? I use mouth, show facial expressions, and type words.
Which expression do I feel the most comfortable with? I speak out.
So, I speak out my thoughts comfortably.

Values? I mean „Life". What is the meaning of me as a human? Why do I want to live in this world? What is the most basic reason for living? Enjoy, and have fun. Therefore, I find happiness in myself.

Okay. For finding a partner in life, how do I find a person who matches these three attitudes? No, that's not what I mean. When it comes to finding a partner, of course, the limit for the concepts of exchange, communication, and life will be considered. But not the actual things I look for. What I seek is so much simpler…
 
When these limits for money, relationship, and value of life is challenged, what is my attitude? Will I be angry? Will I be sad? Will I give up? Will I turn to face it? Will I know how to face it?

Is my attitude the same as U? 
Hmmm, that is what I have to find out.

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SP.2 I mock U

I am a cognitive linguist.
I teach. I teach linguistics. I teach cognitive linguistics.
The name of my class is Olympiad in Linguistics.
My students are middle school students, who are in their awkward stage of growth.

But then, I am not a teacher. Definitely not.
I just lead them in the name of "teacher“, 
and make them think about WHY.

I told jokes in class today.
I asked them, "why do you want to tell jokes?“

I tell jokes, I tell plain jokes, linguistically speaking, I play homophonic, I switch words, I wrote different phrases in the same pattern, I follow the similar sayings but change the meanings, I create stories with similes and metaphors.

Sometimes, it looks simple, I just manipulate contrast and opposite, a kind of "lying“, to turn the meaning over! How interesting! Sometimes it's not fun at all, it's super shallow.

Yes, I'm telling a lame joke. There is not much to read, just the surface.
Where is the essence, it depends, it depends on how deep you can discover.

I talk about jokes, I talk about sex and porn jokes. According to cognitive science, maybe? I play myself a lot. I overturned my self-understanding, directly turn to my original needs and desires, and showed them in languages.

Every time, I will be scared! What's wrong with me? Am I alright? Did I get trauma syndrome, mental disorders, neurosis... I want to present it, so I talked about it all. I want to make it clear that, why I, as a human being, may become like this someday? Under what situations, under how much pressure, under whose control?

I watch jokes, I watch mocks and ridicules. What kind of joke is this? You make me a joke, I feel embarrassed, the audience finds it so funny. I don’t understand this. Most of the time, I am alone. No one really mocks me.

But I know the reverse version, I know it quite well. I find it both funny and embarrassing for the audience. What kind of joke? The same content, I make myself a joke. Okay, is this „self-deprecating"? Actually, I enjoy it. Not clear? Give it a try. And …what’s more? It won’t really hurt. I feel comfortable. Because I finally know that "Hey, this is the feeling that a human ‚may’ think about when seeing me!“

What about me? Do I think so?
What do I think about myself?

The children in class today let me realize an obvious aspect of „why we mock?“ The reason for telling these jokes, is very clear: Compare. Who is prettier than me? Who is taller than me? Who is worse? Who does it better? Who is always better? Who always writes exams faster? Who always answers correctly? Who always chats with the teacher? And, I mock them.

How do I know if my children have accidentally been “comparing“ or “compared"?

Who do I mention most often, my child’s best friend, the first place in the class? What do I talk to them most often, looks, grades, performance? 

When I was in middle school, in my child’s age, what did I care about the most...or…what have I been mocked before? It is, the things that happened to me which I got strong feelings towards, which I can never forget, 

My stories.

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EP.14 I tear U 
Mind the gap!

Listen now: https://open.firstory.me/story/cktrlvkn0uk1z0a05pghiodkf/platforms

I’ll hit U.
I’ll kick U.
I’ll tear U.
I won’t let U go.

“Don’t Go!”
“Ga-Ji-Ma!”
“Ma-De!”
“Never leave me…”

Hey! Here (wave)
U are always wondering, don’t U realize? I never leave, I never harm, I never
change.

Well, tear up, U don't need to hide.
Tissue? 

#umy #umychang #metaartist #linguist #tissue #tear #from_tear_to_tears #gajima
#i_let_u_go

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