Stone Clearing With Richard Herring

Chapter 45 - Afteroidf. It's just before 5pm on 2nd December and aside from crepuscular light in the distance and the smiling moon, all is dark. And it's time to ponder whether there is stone clearing on other planets and why stones brought organic life to our world. Plus nighttime transgressions and Edmondsing. It's the podcast with everything.

Chapter 44 - Am I Right, Ammonite? It's about 8.20am on the 26th November 2019 and Rich is going the long way round. With some hard earned wisdom about how weather works and some fine Hasselhoffing and a largely undisturbed run from dog walkers and log dogs, he gives us the chance to reconnect with the stones and the sound of boots squelching in mud as he destroys potential archaeology and casts aside the sea creatures of eons ago. Plus is there a wood clearer attempting to taunt him and who shall win the battle of wood, stone and flesh? Plus a joke.

Chapter 43 - Ivory Towerf. It's 7.45am on 14th November 2019 (as it turns out one year and two days since the first chapter, but stone clearers like Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate birthdays) and the weather is overcast. Richard is out on the muddy field, clearing stones for real, not just reading about doing that in books like Bryan Bramble and the students at his University of Stone Clearing in Wellington. He has some harsh words for those who study rather than do and for anyone who collects stones in a mortar board, plus is reminded of his mortality by the increasing coldness of the stones. Fummer is over. And what has happened to all the other dog walkers? Oh they're over there.

Chapter 42 - Headphone Narnia: It's November 6th and nearly 5pm and Richard is heading out into the dark Hertfordshire night to try and clear as many ftones as he can whilst shrouded in the cloak of night. It's been a while since he's done a night clear and he has to remind himself of torch and dog poo holding etiquette, but his ungloved hands may be cold and dirty, but they are nimble. More mottos and rules to live your stone clearing life by and probably some other stuff too, I can't really remember now. But stop trying to find some spoilers - just liften to the ftones my friend and enter your own Narnia (I forgot that everyone gets turned to stone there, that would have been a good point to make.)

Chapter 41 - Father and Fon. It's about 9am on 30th October 2019 and no need to thank me but Brexit has been averted. Today's podcast in the autumn sunshine involves multiple dog walkers, the pride and fear involved in bringing your children Stone Clearing, how stones are more important than even your own offspring and how the Brexit Ditch will only accept humble offerings. Plus mystery whistling, Roman villas and tantalising info on the Stone People. Plus are women allowed to clear stones. This is the only stone-clearing podcast that dares to tell the truth.

Chapter 40 - Lady in Red. It's 8.39am on 18th October and Rich has a lot of work to do, but instead he's doing this. It's a full podcast which ticks all your boxes and, fingers crossed, has done enough to thwart Brexit. Remember to donate to the ditch when it succeeds. Along the way there are rules, madrigals, out of breathness, speculation about impregnated boots and government attempts to thwart the project. Plus the welcome return of the log dog. And some mud.

Chapter 39: The War Betwixt Ftone and Flesh. It's just after 8am on 9th October 2019 and the weather is overcast and the ground so soft that any stone can be pulled out. There's some expert Hasselhoffing on display as Richard enjoys the Ftone harveft and some of the medieval times' less impressive motivational rhymes. And for the first time in a while he's going the long way round and regaling us with legends of where the stones came from and how he plans to live forever himself. Kindly he caters to the insomniacs that he knows do not use this podcast for its intended purpose, but not the onanists who are definitely not using the podcast for its intended purpose. A call from his wife truncates the recording, but not much is lost. Plus is Richard playing into the hands of Borif Johnfon? And can he be seen from space?

Chapter 38 - STP. It's the evening of the last day of September 2019 and the conditions are damp. Richard and Wolfie go out to see if the Brexit ditch can have as much effect on world events as it clearly did last week and whether Boris Johnson has found the way to dampen its magic. There are more medieval aphorisms to help you with your stone clearing and some amazing discoveries including a very big stone, a stone that seems to have writing on it (a warning from the stone?) and a heart-shaped stone which seems to be encouraging Richard to carry on. Mixed messages from the world of geology perhaps. But Richard presses on, even though his wife nearly catches him in the act, which could be a marriage-ending moment. Please again, no w*nking to this podcast.

Chapter Thirty Feven - Ftone Fanta. It's 5.30pm on 23rd September 2019 and a tired and emotional and seemingly quite unfit Richard Herring has woken up to find the Ftone Fanta has been and the field that has been hit by every element possible in the last month has now been ploughed and there are boulders everywhere. Hear him struggle to lift the biggest stone ever off the field (pictured), hear him struggle to breath as he carries other stones across the field. Is that heavy breathing what it sounds like? Oh God, thank goodness this is audio only. Listen to a man so bewildered by the sheer abundance of stones that he finds it difficult to speak. You do not have permission to pleasure yourself to this episode.

Chapter Thirty-Fix - Morning Again! It's 8.30am on 17th September and Richard Herring is on the way out to see how the village will react to the triumphant comedy gig he has just done in the village hall. Whilst some stones are cleared there's a lot to delight canine coprophiles in this chapter, as Richard diligently cleans up dog poo at his own personal expense, whilst many less scrupulous dog walkers fail to bag the poop. There's a moment of extreme levity to take us out of the otherwise serious discipline and some sage advice about how many hours a day a newbie stone clearer can clear without risking death.