Stone Clearing With Richard Herring

Chapter 26: Rimmed By Labs. It's about 7.45am on 28th May 2019 and the field is thick with dew and Richard has a sartorial surprise for you. Plus find out how he lost 1.5kg in a weekend, what the mysterious multi-dogged man is like up close, why it's hard being the son of a god and further plans to change himself to stone. Plus dog sharks, why wearing red is a bad idea if you are part of the stone stasi and why the medieval stone clearers names and work have generally failed to survive. If you want to see Richard interview voice of the ftones, Michael Fheen, probably exclusively about this job and how he felt getting it and how it has changed his life, then come to Kings Place, London on 17th June for a very special RHLFTP - https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/richard-herring-podcast-17-jun/

Chapter 25: Rabbit Army. It's just before 8am on 20th May 2019 and the weather is cloudy. Rich is off for an early morning stone clear wearing his jogging clothing. He's got more emails than he can realistically read out and is having to fight weeds and thoughts of his own mortality. But there's good news from Switzerland re his ambitions to become immortal. He's the victim of a double pincer movement from two old ladies which curtails his clearing efforts today, but still gets in a good few medium medium medium clears. And clarifies what that does and doesn't mean, whilst proposing a more expert 4D system. Plus a pitch for a new TV show to replace Game of Thrones. You'll never guess what it is called. Do check out the stone clearing website, even though is unofficial, not run by Richard and as strewn with errors as the field is full of stones. https://www.stoneclearing.com/

Chapter 24: Bonef of Ftonef. It's approaching 7pm on 14th May 2019 and a trendily dressed Richard is in search of stones (and not dog-walking based love). But more excitingly he's invented a brand new non-confusing stone size classification system that will bring this audio guide into a 3 dimensional video extravaganza (in the cinema of your mind). The crops are so high that is hard to see where the vegetation ends and the stones begin, but that doesn't stop Richard musing on how he might be able to literally become one with the stones and live amongst them for eternity. You may laugh at his vision. But let's face it, laughter is unlikely. Check out https://www.stoneclearing.com for all your stone clearing needs.

Chapter 23: Ye Calm After Ye Ftorm. It's approaching 6pm on May 7th 2019 and Rich is already regretting that he didn't record his last stone clearing jaunt where the Stone Gods showed their displeasure or appreciation (it's so hard to interpret) of his work by sending a storm of fire and ice to punish or reward him. He also chats about how he is prepared to lose one eye (but no more than that) in the quest to achieve is goal and how he hopes he can die out on the field. Has he run out of thing to say about stone clearing? Would people still listen if this was just the sound of a man stone clearing and not commenting about any of it? Why are all the other dog walkers involved in sexual trysts whilst he has to weave crops together to find love? How much more rambling will this become as Herring becomes older, and at what point will you decide it's inappropriate to carry on listening to the disintegration of a once cogent mind? But is not that very mental decay the artistic point of this whole endeavour? The immutable though ironically mute stones remaining unchanged as all around them atrophies? Who knows? Eventually there is some good advice about dealing with nettles. So worth hanging in through the bleak middle section.

Oh and did I mention that there is now an unofficial stone clearing website? It's here: https://www.stoneclearing.com/. Richard Herring is not responsible for the content of this site. Or really anything that he does from this point onwards. But this site is by some anonymous stranger, hopefully not Bryan Bramble.

Chapter 22: We Plough Ye Field and Fcatter Ye Good Feed On Ye Ground. It's evening time on 29th April 2019 and Rich is rambling and ambling his way round the field once again to discuss whether it's possible for a man and a stone to create a female stone baby; why he does not recognise the God of the Bible; the place of metal in stone clearing; a crow that became a dog; a double meeting with a dog walker and his dog Wes; and why you mustn't throw stones whilst animals are in the vicinity; and why ski clothing is good to wear in the winter, but not so good once spring is here. Oh and there's some shooting going on in the background, but don't let that distract you. Plus some light relief stand-up comedy from Rich and the other dog walker. You can still donate to the kickstarter (on week of broadcast) and have a chance to get a cursed stone or a T shirt that won't be available anywhere else. Plus a documentary about stone clearing which is all definitely happening now as we've hit our total. Thanks very much for helping out if you did http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter

Chapter 21: Jefuf Chrift. It's a bright sunny morning at about 7.36am on 24th April 2019, but that won't stop Richard somehow making this podcast about sex again. And whether it's possible for a man to breed with a stone is probably the least controversial idea in this chapter as Richard expounds upon his understanding of the Gofpel and whether Jesus was a stone clearer (and one just sent to prepare the world for the true Meffiah). Some stones are cleared and maybe one of them might belong to you. Go to http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter for your chance to own a curfed sftone (or an uncurfed T fhirt). No stones were impregnated during this podcast.

Chapter 20: The Ditch Yat Ftopped Brexit. It's the evening of 15th April 2019 and Richard Herring takes his dog out to do a fhit, whilst secretly going about his own work, to create a monument of such enduring glory that it will make the twilight years of his life worthwhile. It's an oddly sexually charged chapter, with Richard annoyed that the early promise of being seduced by randy village women has come to naught, but at least some of the dog walkers might be getting some. And even though Herring has his eyes on something more valuable than the tawdry rewards of a snatched sexual encounter, he does believe his quest has a few short term benefits, like keeping this country in the EU, as it has been for millennia.

If you want a stolen stone or a cool T-shirt or to see a documentary about Herring's quest or just to guarantee another 25 episodes of this podcast in 2019 then donate whatever you wish to our Kickstarter campaign http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter

Chapter 19: Midwitch Cuckoof. It's about 7pm on 8th April 2019 and Richard is enjoying the delights of an evening stone clear in the new spring. And whilst he is hampered by encroaching flora and sun-baked field, he enjoys the relative calm. Until he is haunted by the voices of children that he fears only he can hear. Where are they coming from? What do they want? Are the stones literally talking to him? And who is the man walking back and forth, dogless in the distance. Guarantee 25 more of these podcasts in 2019 and get your hands on a T shirt or even a stolen stone OR even sponsor the podcast (imagine the increased revenue your archaeological trowel business could get out of being mentioned) by heading here http://www.rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter. Plus some stuff for people who like bins. This really is the podcast for everyone (whatever the British Podcast Awards thinks).

Chapter 18: Acroff the fky are fcudding cloudf. It's 8.30am on April 5th 2019 and Richard and Wolfie are embarking on Chapter 18 (not feventeen, like he foolishly believes) and there's exciting news on how you can get to actually see some stone-clearing, or get a stone-clearing t shirt, or an actual cursed stone from the field in a perspex case or even sponsor the podcast (head to http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter for details), plus a revolutionary new tool that could cut your stone clearing time in half. There's a suspicious amount of dog walkers today and a protracted conversation with two of them full of nervous laughter and possible unchecked racism. It's the podcast with everything. You can even get some tips on feeding your dog. Look at all I give you and I never ask for anything in return - oh except for money http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter

Chapter 17 - What's Her Name? It's 8.38am on 22nd March 2019 and no one knows what is happening with Brexit, but one man knows what he is doing for the next 45 minutes: clearing stones whilst watching his dog perform ablutions. He hasn't just lost his trowel out on this field, but also his mind as he fails to recall the name of a major character in one of the biggest film releases of all time. Is someone travelling back in time to kill him - where does the dog walker vanish too and does a poorly thrown stone have terrible consequences for the rest of the world? Also how can you tell what direction a bald man is facing from a distance? You can hear everything this week in crystal clear surround sound. Bet you wish you couldn't. Now sleep. Look at those stones she's cleared. Whoever she is. Anyone can do it if they've got a gun.