Stone Clearing With Richard Herring

Chapter 16: The Rattle of the Wind. It's March 15th 2019 at 8.40am and there are amazingly still stones to clear. After the stone gods attempted to fabotage last week's podcast with pocket noise, this week, they doth command the winds to blow this humble clearer off course. But Herring will not be swayed, clearing upwards of 23 stones off the field in this 40 minute odyssey. He will, however, have little of interest to say. The ever vigilant Ftone Ftafi are hiding well today, but Herring faces death at the hand of his arboreal nemesis. Will he make it home safe to his kitchen again? Or was this podcast discovered about the person of his frozen and crushed cadaver? Only one way to find out. It might have been better if you'd just heard the inside of his pocket this time.

Stone Clearing Chapter 15 - From Inside a Clearer's Pocket. It's 7th March 2019 and 7.35am, a sunny but cold morning. Sadly Richard failed to realise that his EarPods were not connected to his iPhone so this is a recording of inside his pocket with him mumbling in the distance, except for one bit at about 28 minutes where he gets his phone out to photograph some weird beheaded trees hanging in a fence, presumably as a warning to him. Also maybe at the end a bit too. It was a paranoid delight with loads of great emails, more human chess and conspiracy theories and it's interesting that it has essentially been wiped. They have got to the recording. But it is being put out for an interesting perspective on stone clearing and an affront to audiophiles everywhere. Can you listen to Chapter 15 all the way through? Can you make out some of the pearls of wisdom. Stone pole hit on first attempt too. Goddammit. It's unlistenable. So business as usual.

Chapter 14 - Stone Jesus. It's about 7.50am on 28th February 2019, the sun shines through the mist and the ground is moist and it's time to find out what has been going on in the field this week. Richard lays out of his fears of death, but his certain resurrection to eternal life and figurehead of a new religion, with a better wall than any of the others can boast. Along the way he is spied on by geese and a mysterious many dogged figure who chills Richard's stone heart, but gives him an excellent new tactic that will win you any game of chess. Today's size guide is the potato. Familiarise yourself with potatoes before the podcast or it will make little to no sense. Read more about stone clearing at http://richardherring.com

Chapter 13 - Conquistadors. It's 7.50am on 21st February 2019 and there is still many centuries of work to be done. But nature is either giving Richard his blessing or spying on him from above, as he does his best to get his job done without being shopped by the Stone Stasi. Is stone clearing the cure for all mental illness? Or is it just adding to the issue? Will Richard manage to hit the stone pole? Will the world be saved from disaster by a contribution to the ditch? How many weeks before the main cairn meets up with the next cairn along? Are stones as precious as gold? Or more precious? All these questions will be asked and not answered in this thrilling episode. Thanks for all the emails. It's very hard to mention everyone who is writing in, but you can join the likes of Brenda Dogbin by contacting Rich at [email protected].

Chapter 12: Chess. It's Valentine's Day 2019 but Ftone Clearerf hath nay time for love, not whilft there be ftones in the ground- so Richard heads into the Hertfordshire mist to clear the complacent stones. He has used all his guile to lull them into a false fenfe of fecurity and it's a bumper crop for the wily stone hunter. Are the stones his friends or his enemies? No one is sure, but for passive bits of stuff in dirt they have much magic, not least to change his mood in the space of three quarters of an hour. Making this the uplifting feel-good stone-based podcast of the year. We visit a part of the field that have as yet gone unbroadcast on the podcast and execute a double trespass into the forbidden field. Loads more emails and a worrying bit about toothless grannies that you might want to skip. But will Rich hit the stone pole and elicit a simultaneous cheer from the nation? No Fpoilerf.

Chapter 11: Frozen Stocean. It's February 2nd 2019 and Hertfordshire has been coated in the gametes of the Ice Gods, trying to thwart ye noble Ftone Clearerf for anofer feafon. Richard has some tips on how to stone clear in the snow, but to be honest, this is first proper go and he's just making it up as he goes along. The stone cupboard that is the ground is frozen shut and yet does that not make the discovery of the odd stone all the more valuable? How many stones did you clear today? So dare you judge a man who has cleared more stones than you? Will Richard meet any of the superstitious villagers or will they be scared away by the white blanket that has enveloped the field? Will he find any ammo and manage to hit the sign post? What will become of the world if he can't find a stone to throw into the ditch to calm the angry snow gods? Etc.

Picture by Kittie-Wai

More stone clearing info at www.richardherring.com/warmingup. Warning! Includes some non-stone material

Chapter 10: Bleffed are the Ftone Clearerf. It's 8.45am on a bright and frosty 28th January 2019 and stone clearers everywhere are mainly waiting for the plough to do her work and create more work for idle hands. But there are still some finds to pull from the clamp like jaw of the field and time to ponder about who puts the stones here and why and celebrate the Stone Gods and abhor the falfe godf of them that fhall not toil in the fieldf. It's a relaxed podcast that talks a little more about the practice of ancient stone-clearers and their rudimentary podcasts and the precarious nature of their short lives. Plus we meet the muzzled dog again and Wolfie uses Richard's hat to reveal a stone that might otherwise not hath been revealed. If you want to hear your name read out on the podcast then do email Richard as so many people have done, at [email protected] and if you want to know more about the UK's fastest growing religion then keep an eye on www.richardherring.com/warmingup

Chapter 9: Stanley is a Dick. It's 9am on 22nd January 2019 and the sun is shining brightly. The soil is relatively wet and loose, though small puddles are frozen over. Is this global warming? Having left the field and his brain largely fallow for a fortnight Herring returns to his task untroubled by log dogs, but there are some incidents with real dogs that are quite hairy. Are they log dogs come to life? Some nice finds and a few more tips and Rich clears up what the podcast is actually about (spoiler: it's about stone clearing) and there are some enjoyably mundane chats with some of the people in the village, all of whom are unaware of what is going on. Pluf a fpecial gueft apperance from the Venerable Bede (is he the myftery voice too?). See some video footage of stone-clearing here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1j_DH4TIYAA

Chapter 8: Ozymandius. The sun is coming up behind cloud cover at about 7.40am on 8th January 2019 and the secret stone clearer of Hertfordshire reluctantly leaves his feckless family behind for a more important calling. It's a technical podcast this week, not for beginners, which will give you guidance on how to choose the stone you clear from the confusing multitude. But it also considers why the stone clearers of old have left so little evidence of their work and how working at this job for so long changes your perspective on what must be done. Plus a thrilling incident involving violent dogs, and more of the chess game that is trying to avoid as many dog walkers as possible. Read more about stone clearing at http://www.richardherring.com/warmingup and see a portion of the field in the video intro to RHLSTP with the Fingers on Buzzers podcast (up on 9th Jan): https://www.youtube.com/user/Herring1967

Chapter 7: Brave New Field. It's 2019, but stone clearing has gone on every year of human history and will not stop now, just because it's the future. The feckless and superstitious folks of the Hertfordshire village where Richard lives are afeared of the field stone-moving imps and have left out messages in stone to try and appease the fairy folk. But Richard is not worried about that. He has clearing to do and has to get fit so he can clear more efficiently. It's a relaxed podcast in which Rich transgresses one of the main rules of Stone Clearing (but remember there are no rules) and meets another dog with a mental illness, just as he is worrying about his own sanity. Was it just a dog of the mind? A log dog made flesh? Your guess is as good as mine. You'd have to have a stone cold heart not to think this was the most amazing thing ever created. But wait til you see the wall.