We all do it.  We say something in the heat of the moment… and feelings get hurt.

Sometimes, though, that can be the “last straw,” that final tap over the edge that leads to crisis.  For a listener of my podcast, “R,” that is what happened. He wrote me, asking, “how could I take back the strong/attacking/hurtful words I said to my wife."

I answer him in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

But before I answer that specific question, I go into some dangers of separation (they ended up in an “in-house” separation).  And I pull apart the myth of “work on myself OR work on the relationship."

As is often the case when I respond to an email question, this doesn’t just apply to R.  It may very well apply to YOU!

(Oh, and by the way, if you have the “Goldilocks question” — not too broad, not too specific, but just right — send me your question for possible answers in future podcast episodes. I tell you how in the podcast episode.)

You can listen to the episode below.

RELATED TOPICS:
Apologies
Forgiving
Working on Yourself
Dealing with Separation
Save The Marriage System

Taking Back the Hurt

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There is a better than 80% chance that, at this moment, you are a Chaser.  In doing a little informal research, I noticed that about 90% of the people who read my articles, listen to my podcast, read my b0oks, or use my System, are chasing right now.

Why?  Because right now, their spouse (and likely, your spouse) is being a Spacer.  The Chaser/Spacer pattern can vary over time -- who is doing which, how fast both are moving, and what the distance looks like.  Sometimes, couple switch roles.  Usually, because the Chaser gives up and becomes the Spacer, causing the Spacer to suddenly shift to being the Chaser.

There HAS to be a better way... right?

Right??

Why yes, yes there is.  So glad you asked!

In this podcast, I tell you about the Chaser/Spacer roles, how they come to be, why the are so problematic, and why they don't have to be permanent roles or patterns.  We unwind it.

And I tell you about the better role.

Listen below to discover how to stop being the Chaser or Spacer... and what to do, instead!

 

RELATED RESOURCES:
Why Connection Matters
What Space Means
The Save The Marriage System

Don’t Be a Chaser or a Spacer! (Do This Instead)

Many people tell me of their desperation to find intimacy -- and their sadness over not having it in their marriage.

But is it possible to find that intimacy?  Is there a path to intimacy in your marriage??

There are choices people make... that often lead them away from intimacy -- not toward it!  This isn't on purpose.  They just don't know better.

The path to intimacy may not be something you learned -- or even saw in relationships around you!

But there IS a path. That path has 4 steps to get there.

Unfortunately, many people decide to leave in steps 2 and 3, not realizing just how close they are to intimacy.  True intimacy.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we look at the path.  I'll tell you about each of the 4 steps along the path... and how to make a shift toward intimacy... just when you think you've missed it.

Yes, you can find intimacy. You just need to know the path to take.  Let's get it covered for you!

Listen below.

 

RELATED RESOURCES
Dealing with Conflict
2 Necessary Feelings
Marriage and Self-Expansion
Save The Marriage System

The Path to Intimacy

You hit the Pause Button on your marriage.  I get it.  You didn't realize you were doing it, and didn't know it was a problem.  You just thought you were dealing with life -- the kids, a career, activities... life.

But while you didn't know it was a problem, it is.  In fact, it is the big reason that marriages get into trouble.  Yes, there are lots of symptoms of the problem.  The underlying problem, though, is disconnection... from hitting the Pause.

Relationships don't go into suspended animation, just awaiting re-animation.  Nope, they are either growing or receding.  And a paused relationship is receding.

Then, suddenly, you realize there is a problem.  It was brewing for awhile.  But since you were disconnected, you missed the signs.  Until it was a crisis.

And then, you go from Pause Button to Panic Button.

Now, you have to deal with both the paused marriage and the panic problem.  You have to find a way to heal the disconnection AND deal with the crisis.

How do you do it?

We talk about it on this week's episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below.

 

RELATED RESOURCES
Why Pause Is A Problem
The 7 Stages of Disconnection
Healing Disconnection
Save The Marriage System

From Pause Button to Panic Button

Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage.

This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation.  Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages.  So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don't get better.

When I was in training, this somehow became the default approach, even after all the theory and explanations of problems in a marriage.  Lots of very convoluted, confusing theories were proposed, and then, the treatment?

Teach communication skills!

Which is probably why marriage therapy has such abysmal results.  When you look at the actual research, 50% of marriages that seek therapy still end up divorced.  Pretty much the overall national average for any marriage.  And only 10 to 15% of couples report any improvement.  Let me say that again:  any improvement.

Why?  Well there are multiple issues (I discuss them right here) behind this.  But a big reason is this emphasis on communication skills.  And yet, when I am meeting with a couple, almost always, I understand everything they are saying.  And they seem to understand each other!  That is not the issue.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you why this isn't going to save your marriage, and how to make a shift to what can.

Listen below!

 

RELATED RESOURCES:
Podcast:  3 Problems with Therapy
Substack:  The Connection Compass
Program:  The Save The Marriage System

No, this will NOT fix your marriage! (but it’s the #1 request in therapy)

For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to podcast@savethemarriage.com).

This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection.

It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage.  Maybe your spouse claims to want the same.  Maybe your spouse just doesn't respond much at all.  A little conversation... that goes nowhere.  Or attempts at conversation... that go nowhere.  It can feel frustrating and defeating.

How should you understand the situation?

What can you do about it?

Can you make progress?

We discuss these questions (and more) in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Step Process
3 C's of Doing It
Importance of Connection
When Spouse Can't See A Way
Resentment and Anger
Save The Marriage System
The Connection Compass 

Taking Back the Hurt

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