Tentpole Trauma

Hollywood had been looking to get the Planet of the Apes franchise back into orbit for 20 plus years, but it wasn’t until Tim Burton signed on to direct that the 2001 remake took sh(ape). But despite boasting incredible Rick Baker makeups, Marky Mark as the lead human and an impressive box office haul, the reaction to the film was so toxic that 20th Century Fox studios declined to opt for a sequel. Join Sebastian and Jennifer as they make monkeys out of themselves trying to unpack the movie’s ruinously bananas twist endings.

Coming strong after the one-two punch of The Terminator and Aliens, director James Cameron was poised to reach A-level status with his wildly ambitious underwater sci fi action film The Abyss. But despite overcoming a torturous and fraught-filled production, the would-be blockbuster left audiences confused upon its 1989 theatrical release and did not ascend to the box office or critical heights Cameron hoped for. Join Sebastian, Chris and Rodney as they deep dive into the new spectacularly restored 4K director’s cut and argue over the merits of Michael Biehn’s villainous mustache.

After the billion dollar success of Captain Marvel, a sequel to the Brie Larson led superhero hit seemed destined for the stars. But even with the power of Marvel studios and Disney behind it, not to mention the addition of the characters of Ms. Marvel and Monica Rambeau, Nia DaCosta’s 220 million dollar team-up didn’t even make its budget back worldwide, a catastrophic blow for the once unstoppable brand. Join Sebastian and Jennifer as they switch powers, herd man-eating alien cats and try to determine why The Marvels was the biggest bomb in the MCU’s history.

Special effects wizard Douglas Trumbull hoped to bring his mind-bending 2001: A Space Odyssey visuals down to earth with Brainstorm, a 1983 sci fi thriller starring Christopher Walken and Natalie Wood. Unfortunately Wood’s tragic death by drowning cast a pall over the film, delaying its release and resulting in a muddled narrative and baffling special effects sequences that failed to live up to Trumbull’s lofty ambitions along with any hope of box office redemption. Join Sebastian and Troy as they don their psychic headsets, record their innermost fears and seek answers to the afterlife by discussing this cursed mess of a production.

Russell Crowe returning to the historical epic genre at the peak of his post-Gladiator fame would seem a sure bet in 2003, and yet Peter Weir’s Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World met with a tepid box office response upon its maiden voyage. Despite being an exquisitely crafted adaptation of the beloved Patrick O’Brian novels and garnering several Oscars, the film failed to launch the hoped for franchise — though appreciation has grown for it over the years, particularly with millennials. Join Sebastian and Andrew as they hoist up the top sails and celebrate this high water mark of seafaring historical cinema.

Probably no one would have predicted that in 2023 the duo behind Game Night would deliver the definitive cinematic take on the genre-defining TRS role playing game Dungeons & Dragons, and yet John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein’s Honor Among Thieves managed that seemingly impossible task. But despite a great cast, a clever and funny script and blockbuster level production values, the film failed to conjure magic at the box office. Join Sebastian and Richard as they roll the dice against owlbears, gelatinous cubes and a pudgy red dragon while celebrating this treasure of a film. 

The late 90s saw horror in a transitional phase, and while the trend was favoring the post-modern tact of Scream, many filmmakers were taking their end-of-the-millennium angst to the stars. Despite being arguably the best of the spacefaring bunch, Paul W.S. Anderson’s Event Horizon failed to conjure excitement with critics and quickly fell into a box office black hole. Join Sebastian and Rodney as they grapple with the vacuum of space, open a portal to hell and debate the merits of this Alien by way of The Shining cult classic.

In the wake of the meteoric success of Star Wars (and several decades before owning the franchise) Disney tried their hand at big budget space adventure with The Black Hole. But despite boasting impressive special effects and a promising premise, the movie’s dark tone, haunted house shenanigans and muddled science left audiences drifting in a void of indifference. Join Troy and Sebastian as they grapple with questionable physics, proverb pontificating robots and the far out ending to one of the Mouse House’s wildest late 70s misfires.

After acquiring Lucasfilm in 2012, Disney was banking big on a 5th installment of the beloved and lucrative Indiana Jones franchise. After years of development and the passing of the torch from original director Steven Spielberg to the capable James Mangold, Harrison Ford — now in his late 70s — agreed to don the whip and fedora for one last adventure. Unfortunately the resulting Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny bombed hard at the box office to the tune of an estimated 100 million dollar loss. Join Sebastian, Chris and Rodney as they turn back time, dust off some ancient tombs and wrestle with the world-altering consequences of this dial of disaster.