Is there an issue from the past that keeps coming up? Or an ongoing conflict that can’t seem to get resolved? In this episode we explore effective approaches for couples seeking to resolve long standing issues and conflicts that resurface over time. We share our advice to a couple who is struggling with an incident that happened over 20 years ago, and also share an example of where we personally got stuck in our own marriage, related to our wedding date, and how we finally came to clarity.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) - Finding shared desire in resolving ongoing conflicts

(04:11) - Exploring deeper, unspoken issues in repetitive arguments

(05:18) - The role of trauma therapy in resolving unresolved emotional conflicts

(07:00) - Explicit agreements in resolving recurring issues

(08:53) - Real-life example to illustrate conflict resolution strategies

(11:02) - Understanding your partner's unspoken feelings

(14:41) - Commitment to 'abundant repair' after conflicts for deeper connection

(17:45) - Listening generously and validating your partner’s feelings

(19:53) - Fully understanding and addressing recurring issues 

Reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned: 

• Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements 
• E92: Same Argument Over & Over? Here’s What To Do
• About EMDR for trauma
• Dick Schwartz and Parts Work

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or on your favorite podcast platform.

Do one of you like your home clean and organized but the other could care less? Does the majority of household clean up fall on one of you, while the other is mostly contributing to the mess? If you and your partner have conflicts around differences in cleanliness standards at home, this episode is for you! We share our own struggles in this area and what we’ve done to become more aligned in keeping a household environment that feels good to both of us. We offer insights to help couples navigate and resolve conflicts over cleanliness and organization in their shared living spaces.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:28) - Couple’s misalignments in household cleanliness and organization

(03:47) - Gender roles and cultural Influences for household work

(06:23) - Dealing with different cleaning habits in a relationship

(07:47) - The pain of subordination and built up resentments 

(10:26) - Finding middle ground as a couple 

(12:12) - How to communicate with your partner about cleanliness

(17:10 - How to align on cleanliness standards in a relationship

(20:22) - Staying Connected as a Team

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned: 

• Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements 

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Have you ever wondered how to create a partnership that’s a vehicle for your greatest potential? Or struggled to create a partnership that can grow beyond the sum parts of the traumas, challenges or wounds that you and your partner bring into the relationship? In this episode Krista and Will share how they are using their relationship to explicitly bring one another into greater sovereignty, wholeness and capacity to reach each of their potentials. 

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) - The Struggle with Authentic Self-Expression And Historical Traumas or Limiting Beliefs

(00:35) - Unlocking Fullest Personal Expression Through Conscious Partnership

(03:13) - Mindset off Co-Responsibility in Relationship Growth and Development 

(06:45) - The Importance of True Collaboration and Win-Win Relationships in Partnerships

(11:34) - Standing for the Right Kind of Mutual Relationship

(15:55) - The Impact of Past Experiences on Self-Actualization in Relationships

(24:13) - The Difference and Power of Standing For Something vs Against Something

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned: 

• Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements 
• Episode 91: Great Relationship But No Chemistry?

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or on your favorite podcast platform.

Is your sex life taking a back seat due to a busy schedule? Tune in to discover how and why to prioritize physical intimacy, with our personal tips and tricks to keep it at the top of your to-do list. We'll also share the psychological, physical, and emotional benefits of prioritizing your sex life, especially for mission-driven couples. Plus, hear about our relationship agreement that keeps us on track!

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) - Prioritizing your sex life & defining “sex life”

(02:04) - The key mindset for success for regular physical intimacy

(03:49) - Our relationship agreement about our sexuality 

(05:21) - Psychological and physiological effects of lacking physical intimacy

(09:17) - The correlation between orgasm, creativity, and cognitive capacity

(15:09) - How to prioritize sex life for busy couples

(16:38) - Importance of prioritizing sex life for a mission-driven relationship

(18:53) - Aligning with your partner

(23:49) - The impact of attachment styles on sexual intimacy

(25:28) - Scheduling as a tool to manage life phases and hormonal differences

(27:24) - Importance of understanding and addressing different needs within a relationship

(29:22) - Addressing concerns when a partner doesn't prioritize sex life

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned: 

• Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements 
• Episode 91: Great Relationship But No Chemistry?

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Do you crave a deeper connection with your partner but don’t know how in the face of super busy lives and schedules? Listen in to hear about a transformative daily connection exercise that has significantly deepened our connection in the face of crazy-busy lives. 

By prioritizing emotional intimacy and mindful listening, we’ve found this short but consistent practice minimizes conflicts and strengthens bonds. Discover how to bring more depth and connection into your relationship with this practical, heartfelt tool. Tune in to learn the steps and experience the profound impact it can have on your partnership. “The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:24) - How deeper connection in relationships creates less conflict

(01:36) - Our daily connection exercise that’s been a game changer for us

(03:09) - Rules of engagement for the couples exercise

(04:28) - What to avoid during the relationship exercise

(05:45) - Benefits of the connection exercise on relationship dynamics

(06:30) - Practicing presence and mindfulness as a listener

(08:08) - Prompts to help with deeper sharing in relationships

(10:18) - Reflection and gratitude after sharing for relationship improvement

(11:29) - Switching roles and completing the relationship exercise

(13:33) - How the connection exercise has specifically improved our relationship

(18:07) - Using morning pages for deeper self-connection

(19:40) - Somatic benefits of the couples connection exercise

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Resources Mentioned: 

• Download this connection exercise here!
• Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements 
• Ep8 “Top Shelf Listening + Our Edgy Example”
• Dick Schwartz and IFS
• Marie Forleo
• The Artist’s Way

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or on your favorite podcast platform.

Do you and your partner have the same frustrating argument over and over? Or you can’t figure out why the same darn issue keeps coming up and you can’t seem to resolve it? We know all about that! Today we share how we woke up to the root cause of the ongoing argument that helped us resolve the issue, instead of just putting bandaids on it. Listen in to hear key mindsets and actionable steps you can apply to help resolve those painful arguments. 

(00:00) - Discussing key elements to navigate repetitive arguments in relationships

(01:22) - A key mindset that will shift you from stress to opportunity

(04:05) - Our personal example of a recurring argument and pivotal moments leading to an emotional and honest discussion

(14:42) - Three approaches you can apply to address recurring arguments in a relationship

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Resources Mentioned: 

• Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements 
• Episode 2: Our agreement about abundant repair
• Dick Schwartz and IFS

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. 

Do you have a great relationship but it’s lacking chemistry? In this episode we suggest five unique areas to explore if your partnership is lacking the sparkle it used to have. We also share our relationship agreement that’s the secret to keeping our relationship chemistry and intimacy in tip top shape!

(00:00) - Introduction to navigating relationships that are healthy but lack chemistry

(01:49) - Our personal relationship agreement that generates chemistry in our partnership 

(02:33) - Importance of Generativity / Our Brain’s Tendency to Automate Our Partners

(04:43) - The Need For Effort and Intentionality in Long-term Relationships

(07:30) - Common Patterns in Long-Term Relationships Leading To Lack of Chemistry

(08:37) - Importance of Prioritizing Intimacy

(10:34) - Investigating Interpersonal Issues Causing Lack of Relationship Chemistry

(13:02) - Importance of Showing Up For Your “We” Regardless of Chemistry Feelings

(15:03) - Exploring Root Causes Affecting Desire and Chemistry

(17:32) - Impact of Pornography

(18:13) - Physical Attraction Challenges

(19:47) - Hormonal Factors

(21:48) - How To Have Conversations About Attraction and Intimacy

(24:25) - Seeking Couples Support When Needed

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Resources Mentioned: 

• Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements 
• Al-Anon: Resource for partners

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Giving ultimatums in relationships is a serious, but sometimes necessary, decision. In this episode we explore the circumstances under which an ultimatum might be the right move, how to thoughtfully prepare for delivering one, and the importance of being clear and committed when standing up for your needs. Dr. Will shares his personal experience of giving an ultimatum in his first marriage and the transformative journey that followed. The discussion highlights the balance between supporting a partner's success and ensuring your own needs are met.

00:00 - Introduction to ultimatums in relationships

02:32 - Identifying when to consider an ultimatum

04:25 - Examples of when an ultimatum might be necessary

05:34 - Being for each other's success

07:30 - Dr. Will's personal story of giving an ultimatum

13:53 - Steps to prepare for giving an ultimatum

18:56 - The importance of being willing to follow through

19:39 - Planning the best scenario for delivering the ultimatum

20:18 - Getting clear about what the ultimatum specifically entails

23:48 - Setting a timeframe for the ultimatum

26:11 - Approaching the conversation with your partner

29:32 - Final thoughts and encouragement

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Resources Mentioned: 

• Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements 
• Al-Anon: Resource for partners

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. 

Impulsively threatening the relationship when we get triggered, angry, or unable to work through repeating relationship conflicts is an ineffective way of attempting to get our partner to change. It creates insecurity, dysregulation and fear, rather than creating the feelings of safety and security that’s needed to work through difficult relationship challenges together. 

Today we discuss the importance of taking more skilled self responsibility in relationships, particularly when it comes to making threats or issuing ultimatums, including effective communication, mutual understanding, and adult behavior in addressing conflicts. In this episode we offer healthier and more constructive alternatives to addressing conflict and ideas on how to deal with a partner who keeps impulsively threatening the relationship. 

(00:00) Introduction and definition of threatening the partnership

(02:16) Impact of threats on conversations and relationships

(04:28) Importance of creating safety rather than triggering threat responses

(06:39) Personal example of threatening language and its impact

(15:00) Importance of showing up as an adult during conflicts

(17:19) Advice for those who frequently threaten relationships

(19:35) Taking responsibility and protecting each other in relationships

(22:22) Closing thoughts on working through connection issues together

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Resources Mentioned: 

• Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements 
• Stan Tatkin - The PACT Institute

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

How can you bring your vulnerability in a way that brings your partner closer to you? What is "masculine vulnerability"? In episode 88 of The Art of We podcast we dive into this topic, bringing smart relationship advice and best relationship practices for couples who want a successful partnership. We share our definition of masculine vulnerability and effective strategies for bringing more vulnerability for the purposes of building a lasting and extraordinary partnership together.

(00:00)   The intersection of masculinity and vulnerability and definition of terms. 

(04:21)  Cultural & historical perspectives on masculinity 

(06:38)  Example of hosts bringing “agentic” vulnerability to one another

(08:28)  Highlighting the progress in recognizing and addressing internal signals of vulnerability

(09:59)  Practicing self-responsible vulnerability and checking interpretations

(11:02)  Navigating relationship challenges from vulnerable conversations

(13:58)  The difference between vulnerability and disguising hidden agendas

(16:01)  Encouraging authentic and responsible communication in expressing vulnerability

(19:15)  Navigating triggers and activations when partners share vulnerably

(21:43)  Recognizing and addressing learned behaviors from past experiences

(24:01)  Invitation for listeners to have open conversations with partners

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Resources Mentioned: 

• Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements 
• The Collaborative Way and Lloyd Fickett

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.