The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya

As we approach the peak summertime Bob-B-Que months (zing), we'd like to share Bob the Drag Queen's 8 tips for a successful chicken wing soiree, which will ensure that your fowl party is anything but foul:

1) Send your dinner party invitations by Pony Express or personal messenger at least 10 days in advance. Include a cooked goose or snuff box for extra enticement.

2) Select an appropriate color scheme and harmonize everything on the table within that palette. If an invited guest passes from consumption before the engagement, consider black, brown, or dark grey as a sign of respect for the deceased.

3) Never, and we do mean NEVER, starch your napkins. You will be swiftly rejected from polite society and burn in hell for eternity if you do.

4) Ideal floral centerpieces include roses, lilies, carnations, ferns and smilax. If you are planning a post-dinner orgy, consider using roses in your bouquet and scatter a few extra petals artistically around the table and on the floor, instructing guests where they can begin their erotic adventures after the dessert and cognac course.

5) Hang satin ribbons, bows, and smilax from your chandelier for a striking visual effect of fresh, dainty beauty. During the holidays, you can also hang mistletoe to encourage pre-orgy kissing and heavy-petting.

6) Use colorful gas or whale-oil lamps, as well as transparent globes to produce a dreamscape of hues in the dining room and beyond. If several of your guests border on the rubenesque, remember that whale-oil lamps are a particularly forgiving source of light for those guests who have eaten one-too-many cherry jubilees over the years.

7) It is recommended to have at least one servant available to attend to the needs of every six guests. During the orgy, this ratio should increase to one servant for every three guests.

8) Last, but not least, it is extremely important that all guests are examined by a licensed physician for syphilis, gonorrhea, or symptoms of the plague prior to the orgy.

If you follow these 8 simple rules, we can assure you that come morning, you'll be the undisputed toast of high society!

To get an amazing Mint Mobile new customer offer and your new 3-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to https://MintMobile.com/BALD

Now is the time to make the switch to the best cat food on planet Earth: Smalls! Head to https://Smalls.com/BALD and use promo code BALD at checkout for 50% off your first order PLUS free shipping!

Need a website? Head to https://Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.Squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain!

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

Follow Bob: @BobTheDragQueen

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Feeling down? Need an escape from the grind? Just committed a crime and need to lay low? Captain Sasha Colby and the crew on The Bald & the Beautiful's new cruise ship, "Gettin' Nauti", will whisk you away to melt into the pastel-hued villages that dot the rocky shoreline of Italy's picturesque Amalfi Coast! Like a painter’s palette providing a resplendent contrast to the undulating sea of cobalt blue and the verdant mountains that rise up amongst the mist, join us for a clothing-optional frolic amongst the fragrant lemon groves decorating the dramatic cliffs! As the sun sets and you slowly remove your clothing for an alfresco dinner in the nude, inhale the refreshing scent of the Mediterranean Sea, devour a tender Steak Diane, and finish it all off with an invigorating nightcap next to the glistening waves as you slowly sip a glass of the region’s famous limoncello and a black coffee. Al Di La! Mama Mia!! Molto Bene!!!

To try America's #1 Meal Kit for eating well, go to https://GreenChef.com/BALD50 and use code BALD50 to get 50% off, plus 20% off your next two months!

Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with Gametime! Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code BALD for $20 off your first purchase! Head to https://Gametime.co for more info! Last minute tickets. Lowest Price. Guaranteed.

Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

Whether you’re looking for friends, fun or finding the one, download the best dating app for gay men, Archer, today! For more info, head to: https://www.ArcherApp.com

Follow Sasha: @SashaColby

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In the grand pantheon of lusciously loud cackles, there exists two gorgeous human specimens for whom the rules of physics do not even remotely apply. These two auditory angels, known colloquially as Drew Afualo and Trixie Mattel, fly right up to the sonic barrier, spit in its face, and emit laughs at such an octave that only the gods atop Mount Olympus can hear without permanent hearing loss. So close your windows, crank your speakers up to 11, and prepare yourselves for a blisteringly beautiful barrage of chuckles, chortles, and guffaws the likes of which mere mortals have never experienced.

To order Drew's new book, Loud, head to: https://drew-afualo.com

With Chime’s secure credit card, you can improve your credit scores all summer long! Get started today at https://Chime.com/BALD

Climb back on that porcelain throne, and make us proud! Feel the difference, daily, with Ritual’s Synbiotic+. Get 25% off your first month at https://Ritual.com/BALD

Need a website? Head to SquareSpace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.SquareSpace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain!

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

Whether you’re looking for friends, fun or finding the one, download the best dating app for gay men, Archer, today! For more info, head to: https://www.ArcherApp.com

Follow Drew on TikTok & Insta: @DrewAfualo

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

As we gather together this week to celebrate America's 248th birthday on rooftops, in backyards, and on sandy beaches, let us indulge ourselves with highly processed, nitrate-filled beef rods, sun-baked mayonnaise-soaked potato salad, and luke-warm hard seltzers. In the true spirit of our nation's independence, we are presenting a carefully curated collection of clips that cover the broad spectrum of important topics we routinely cover on the pod. From rimjobs to fisting to combination rim-fist-jobs, let us all pause for a moment of silence and pray to a heathen god of your choice that the majority of us will make it through the coming firework-laden holiday weekend with the same number of fingers, hands, and appendages that we have today. From all of us here at the Bald Headquarters in an abandoned missile silo outside Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin, we wish you and yours the Hap Hap Happiest 4th of July ever!

Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This week on KBLD's Schlock & Beautiful Masterpiece Theater, we bring you the preeminent 1973 sexploitation film, Queen of the Amazons starring the one, the only, Naomi Smalls! In the far-away island Hermythia off the coast of Papua New Guinea, there lives a tribe of Amazons who are the epitome of primal power, sexual desire, and goddess-like grace. For centuries, men were kept by these Amazons as sex slaves, used solely for breeding purposes and menial labor. Now, as a cruel band of bloodthirsty female warriors from a nearby island pillage and loot the Hermythian countryside, the oppressed males decide to join the Amazons and fight back! Come for the death, sex, and gratuitous nudity, stay for the occasional hot warrior orgy. Rated NC-17 for long, silky-smooth legs.

Now is the time to make the switch to the best cat food in the world, Smalls! Head to https://Smalls.com/BALD and use promo code BALD at checkout for 50% off your first order PLUS free shipping!

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with Gametime! Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code BALD for $20 off your first purchase! Head to https://Gametime.co for more info! Last minute tickets. Lowest Price. Guaranteed.

Whether you’re looking for friends, fun or finding the one, download the best dating app for gay men, Archer, today! For more info, head to: https://www.ArcherApp.com

For more info on the towering gorgeous goddess Naomi Smalls, head to: https://naomismallsduh.com

Follow Naomi: @NaomiSmalls

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

As the days get longer and the jean shorts shorter, images come to mind of lazy, breezy days on the beach with merlot in a can and a juicy paperback that you simply can't put down. Within this very special episode of Bald with the inimitable Sarah Schauer, resides a collection of literary gold for all manner of readers from young to old and everywhere in between. Running the gamut from erotic worms to Mama Cass to non-fiction to other-worldly fantasy, there is something here to fill every literary need and deliciously erudite desire you may have.

There’s no more shame in your gut game! Synbiotic+ and Ritual are here to celebrate, not hide, your insides. Get 25% off your first month for a limited time at https://Ritual.com/BALD

Want to Kill Your Thirst? Go to https://LiquidDeath.com/BALD to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer today!

To try America's #1 Meal Kit for eating well, go to https://GreenChef.com/BALD50 and use code BALD50 to get 50% off, plus 20% off your next two months!

Need to find a great doctor? Go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today!

Follow Sarah: @SarahSchauer

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

According to a 2023 Rand Corporation study, 88% of romantic partners have searched for adult videos online or fantasized at night about hot, hunky men with bigger, thicker, more luxurious penises. Has your partner lied awake at night wishing that your pork sword was unbelievably massive? Do you find yourself lacking self-confidence because of that frightened little turtle between your legs? If so, we here at Bald Supplements, Inc. have absolutely wonderful news for you. Introducing: Fena Barbitall's AnacondaXXL*, the penile enhancement supplement of the future! For just $99 per day and $187.99 shipping and handling, you can walk this earth with the confidence and power that only a yogurt pistol of extraordinary length and girth can offer. Call 1-700-BIG-MEAT now and become the flesh baguette wrangler that you've always known yourself to be. *side effects may include: erections that last up to 472 hours, a rare infection of the perineum that can only be cured with a topical application of Peruvian viper venom, and constant night terrors involving a 100-foot-tall Bea Arthur stampeding through New York City like a permed T-Rex

Get the Rakuten app NOW and join the 17 million members who are already saving when shopping! Cash Back rates change daily, so check out https://Rakuten.com for details. Your Cash Back really adds up!

Now is the time to make the switch to the best cat food in the world, Smalls! Head to https://Smalls.com/BALD and use promo code BALD at checkout for 50% off your first order PLUS free shipping!

Need a website? Head to https://SquareSpace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.SquareSpace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain!

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

Need to find a great doctor? Go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today!

Follow Fena: @FenaBarbitall

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It was a steamy mid-August night outside of Bismarck, North Dakota. My cherry-red 1987 Yugo got a flat on Route 94 and I had to hoof it through the darkness to a truckstop. It was the kind of place that was stuck in time, like your Uncle's wood-paneled fishing cabin in Minnesota. After a quick meal of a lifeless burger on a soggy bun and even soggier fries, I made my way to the parking lot to see if I could hitch a ride to a local garage. While wandering the rows of trucks that sat beneath the parking lot lights like mighty sentinels at rest, I stumbled upon a bearded trucker listening to Hank Williams on his CB radio. Our eyes met, and he waved me over to his rig. Sitting high above me like a hairy demi-god behind his chrome steering wheel, his eyes just barely peeping out from beneath his Pennzoil baseball cap, he pointed to the back of his cab. Without exchanging a single word, we engaged in hours upon hours of amorous congress, our bodies slick with the moisture from the summer dew outside. When the sky began to brighten and the fireworks of our worlds colliding finally ceased, we nodded our heads, kissing deeply one last time. His breath was tinged with the hoppy aroma of Budweiser and his 5 o'clock shadow gently scraped my cheek as our lips parted. The ending of our brief, but memorable time together hit me like a ton of bricks. As I walked away into the dawn of a new day, I looked back, pumped my arm, and was greeted with a loud honk from his strong, hard semi-truck horn, startling me in a gentle manner, and forever bestowing upon me the gift of connecting that marvelous truck horn with one of the most wonderful, tawdry, and gloriously filthy nights of my life. Happy Pride, everyone.

Live it up this summer and make progress towards your financial goals with Chime! Open your account in minutes at https://Chime.com/BALD Chime. Feels like progress.

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Are you the patient zero who caused the epidemic of fierceness? Is your self-confidence and mettle, like chlamydia, insanely contagious and as deadly as your icy-blue determination? When people are in dire need of inner-affirmations, do you transform like Superman into the magical Courage Guru? Do you eat a steaming bowl of tenacity every morning and poop out self-doubt before leaving your home and exposing the world to your Chernobyl-like radiation of fearlessness? Are you the living embodiment of all that is c*nty? Damn right you are, you fabulous f**king b*tch.

There’s no more shame in your gut game. Synbiotic+ and Ritual are here to celebrate, not hide, your insides. Get 25% off your first month for a limited time at https://Ritual.com/BALD

Now is the time to make the switch to the best cat food in the world, Smalls! Head to https://Smalls.com/BALD and use promo code BALD at checkout for 50% off your first order PLUS free shipping!

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

Need to find a great doctor? Go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today!

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Harnessing the quaint, country elements of middle America but with a contemporary spin, "Modern Farmhouse Decor" blends clean lines, muted color palettes, and textured materials to give birth to a timeless look bursting with both joie de vivre and sliding barn doors that offer absolutely no privacy or sound-dampening whatsoever. Whether you and your flatulent husband Gary are in search of a light, bright farmhouse kitchen or a warm, cozy great plains-inspired living room, the modern farmhouse style strikes the perfect balance between the clean lines of an apocalyptic future and the borderline starvation of the 1932 Dust Bowl. All with the added bonus of sharing Gary's irritable bowel syndrome with guests and family during the holidays. On this very special interior decoration episode of Bald, your personal designers Trixie and Katya will teach you how to share not just your love of the rural American farmhouse style, but also every wet sound and putrid odor from Gary's frequent and disturbing bowel movements. Welcome, y'all...make yourselves at home.

Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @lumedeodorant and @shopmando - Get $5 off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off!) with promo code BALD at https://LumeDeodorant.com and https://ShopMando.com #lumepod #mandopod

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices