I believe in one god,

the Noodle Almighty,

maker of marinara and meatballs,

of all pasta visible and invisible,

born of the semolina before all ages,

fettuccine to fusilli, ravioli to rigatoni,

bucatini to capellini,

begotten, not overcooked, perfectly al dente,

topped with parmesan for our salvation,

he came down from heaven,

and by the spirit of a stripper,

touched his noodly appendage to her,

thereby creating a beer volcano,

in accordance with the scriptures.

He ascended into heaven,

and is seated at the right hand of the garlic knots.

He will come again in glory,

to judge the hungry and the full,

and the unlimited breadsticks will have no end.

I believe in the Divine Carbohydrate, the lord, the giver of life,

who proceeds from tomatoes and garlic,

who has spoken through the prophets.

I believe in one holy book of tortellini.

I look forward to the resurrection of the rotini,

and the life of the almighty acini de pepe to come.

Amen.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

You’re going to love Hungryroot as much as we do! For a limited time get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life by going to: https://Hungryroot.com/BALD and use code BALD

If you want more space, more privacy, a better location, and the most loved homes, check out https://Airbnb.com or download the Airbnb app today!

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

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Do you ever glance over at your partner and feel like they're a million miles away, both physically and emotionally? While we all know that building a connection is hard work, it also requires vulnerability and a willingness to accept your partner as they truly are. But with your weekend already full of buying groceries for Jenny's scouting jamboree, carpooling to Michael's Taekwondo steamed vegetable social, and making sure little Damien stops pinching the dog's privates lest Spot rip his cherubic face off, you might be wondering how you’re supposed to carve out time in your schedule to work on relationship intimacy. We have two words for you: pillow talk. And Trixie has ten words to help start your pillow talk escapades. Begin the exercise with: "Tell me a story from when I was a baby..." This will most assuredly not be awkward or creepy in any way whatsoever, and will certainly not be met with a blank stare before your partner suddenly remembers an early-morning meeting, flips over, and turns out the lights.

If you want more space, more privacy, a better location, and the most loved homes, check out https://Airbnb.com or download the Airbnb app today!

Get the Rakuten app NOW and join the 17 million members who are already saving! Cash Back rates change daily. See https://Rakuten.com for details.

Turn your everyday purchases into steps toward your financial goals with Chime’s secure credit card. Get started today at https://Chime.com/BALD. Chime. Feels like Progress.

Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://Zocdoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

Need a website? Check Out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.Squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain!

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

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The opposing forces of the yin and the yang are alive and well in 2025: Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni; TikTok and the Absence of TikTok; Emilia Perez and Good Taste. With the dizzying start to the year that has many of us stress-eating Thin Mints and Taco Bell while practicing scream-therapy techniques into our pillows, we'd like to devote this week's episode to helping you cast off 2025's discordant yolk of asymmetry and find the true inner balance that was previously only achievable with vagina eggs and bee sting enemas. As living embodiments of the yin and the yang, Trixie and Katya subscribe to the theory that opposing forces can negate each other while simultaneously combining to form a new, more powerful entity that redefines what it means to be "c*nty." A "Megac*nt," if you will. This year, discover true inner balance through purposeful c*ntiness.

It's the month of love! Try the natural power of hemp with VIIA today! Head to: https://VIIA.co/BALD

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

It's time to get your gut going! Support a balanced gut microbiome with Ritual’s Synbiotic+. Get 25% off your first month at https://Ritual.com/BALD

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

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It's that time of year yet again! Are you ready for the big sports game? If you have lots of manly men coming over to root for their favorite athletic team, you're gonna need quite the spread, Jack! Introducing scratch-cooked, ultra-fresh, hand-made hot loads made from quality ingredients and spices, crafted daily to nourish more than just the body, Deborah. Trixie and Katya's Bald 'n Fresh Hot Loads offers community-inspired dishes crafted with ingredients, flavors, and viscosities that we all love. Our freshly-delivered meals are perfect for now or later, lunch or dinner - so you can get a hot load whenever (and wherever) you want! Go team!

Check out RocketRX today at https://www.rocketrx.com! Use code BALD for 40% off your first order. Terms & conditions apply.

You’re going to love eating healthy with Hungryroot as much as we do! Go to https://Hungryroot.com/BALD and use code BALD to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life!

Need a website? Check out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://SquareSpace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain!

Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://Zocdoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

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From executive producers Trixie & Katya comes the absolutely brilliant, gloriously gonzo, and extraordinarily entertaining The Kelly Mantle Show! Each week, Kelly Mantle invites special celebrity guests to endure the most divinely bizarre and uncomfortable interview you've ever witnessed. Kelly believes that laughter is life's lubricant, and these hilarious deep dives are a guaranteed good time that will leave you thirsty, hungry, and begging for more. New episodes release weekly every Wednesday! In this, the premiere episode of The Kelly Mantle Show, Kelly and Tammie Brown talk about mysterious disappearances, porta-potty prostitutes, ice cream socials, Bulgarian lovers, ASMR, Tammie’s tarantula toupée, and her utter lack of brand partnerships. Enter at your own risk!

You can finish listening to this episode with Tammy Brown here:

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4S98xIGRIP6O0MSRgNURuV

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tammie-brown-spins-kellys-head-round-and-round/id1783432568?i=1000679982766

To watch, listen, and follow the podcast, go to: https://bit.ly/TheKellyMantleShow

Kelly Mantle IG: @kellymantle

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All aboard! This year, book a tantalizing stay on The Queen Mary as you evacuate any one of Southern California’s various natural disasters. Our arousing accommodations await in your very own Self-Love-Stateroom, offering the perfect atmosphere for an auto-erotic experience while you watch KTLA’s 24-hour local news forecast. Self-Satisfaction is virtually guaranteed, with packages that include horny goat weed cocktails, personal massagers, perfumed body oils, and many other scintillating amenities to encourage extraordinarily loud climaxes that can easily be heard by your neighbors in the next room. Place self-love and self-care at the forefront of your magnificently masturbatory stay at The Queen Mary, with master rates starting at just $999.

Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://Zocdoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

This year, fast-track your way to eating well with Marley Spoon! Head to https://MarleySpoon.com/OFFER/BALD and use code BALD for up to 27 FREE meals!

Get your gut going this year! Support a balanced gut microbiome with Ritual’s Synbiotic+. Get 25% off your first month at https://Ritual.com/BALD

Get the Rakuten app NOW and join the 17 million members who are already saving! Cash Back rates change daily, so see https://Rakuten.com for details. Your Cash Back really adds up!

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

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Our hearts go out to all those affected by the catastrophic wildfires in Los Angeles County. We hope that this week's episode, recorded in our car as we evacuated Hollywood due to the Sunset Fire, offers a brief respite from the ongoing devastation in Southern California.

If you would like to support Angelenos affected by the fires, please visit this link for various ways to donate: https://laist.com/news/climate-environment/how-to-help-la-fire-victims

New customers GET 15% ALL Lume products with our exclusive code BALDANDBEAUTIFUL at https://www.lumedeodorant.com

Make progress towards a better financial future with Chime! Open your account in 2 minutes at https://Chime.com/BALD Chime. Feels like progress.

You’re going to love Hungryroot as much as we do! Take advantage of this exclusive offer: For a limited time get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life! Go to https://Hungryroot.com/BALD and use code BALD today!

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

If you need a new website, go ahead and check out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://SquareSpace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain!

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

'Twas a dark, menacing Los Angeles winter's eve, with nary a soul walking the deserted streets of West Hollywood. A strong, dry Santa Ana wind blew down from the mountain passes to make one's skin itch and nerves curl. On nights like this, anything can happen. Even a sudden knock at the door of Kelly Mantle's palatial mansion as the clock strikes twelve. What is waiting on the other side? Why, it's Trixie the Cable Girl, wearing overalls and threatening to climb the gutters to sabotage your cable connection. If you don't check out Kelly's amazing new podcast "The Kelly Mantle Show" at: https://bit.ly/TheKellyMantleShow, don't be surprised if you're also visited by Trixie the Cable Girl at the stroke of midnight, for all that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.

If you want more space, more privacy, a better location, and the most loved homes, check out https://Airbnb.com or download the Airbnb app today!

Try VIIA today! Head to: https://viia.co/BALD and use code BALD for 15% off!

This year, get your gut going with Ritual! Support a balanced gut microbiome with Ritual’s Synbiotic+. Get 25% off your first month at https://Ritual.com/BALD

Follow Kelly: @KellyMantle

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The dawning of a new year is a time for fun and jokes and ice cream cones. It's a time for Q&A podcast episodes and trips to the West Hollywood Gateway Shopping Center for a chocolate malt with your steady gal or guy. But behind the innocence of those youthful improprieties lies a menace. A menace made of wheat flour, rice flour, and mung bean starch. A menace known as authentic Chinese noodles. You'll travel from a momentary pleasure to a prison of your own making with Satan's sizzling spicy beef noodles. You'll find nothing but debauchery, violence, murder, and the ultimate end of the authentic Chinese noodle addict: hopeless insanity. This New Year's Eve, celebrate 2025 safely and name a designated noodle eater. It may just save your life.

Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Don't miss The Hallmarque Channel's newest Christmas classic, "A Very Special Holiday Sausage," premiering Christmas Eve! When the gorgeous neighborhood delivery guy, Lance, turns his attentions to recently-divorced Katya, she brushes it off as mere flattery. But when she sees the look in Lance's eyes as he hands her the bulk delivery of anal lube she orders every Christmas, it's clear he wants to give her more than just a cardboard box. As he turns to leave with a mischievous wink and a smile, the encounter awakens something deep inside her smoldering loins; a desire, a lust, a growing demand for steamy passion delivered express overnight. She closes the door and instantly feels a deep and animalistic need for the juicy holiday sausage hiding within his khakis. Katya's friend Trixie tells her it’s time to "get back on the horse" post-divorce, and what better horse to ride than the tantalizingly sexy Lance? This Christmas, watch Katya learn that delivery drivers truly are experts at getting big packages into tight slots.

You owe yourself a trip and trips are always better with Airbnb! If you want more space, more privacy, a better location, and the most loved homes, check out https://Airbnb.com or download the Airbnb app!

To get Mint Mobile's new customer offer and your new 3-month unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to https://MintMobile.com/BALD

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

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