The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya

Good morning, and welcome to the annual meeting of the National Association for Supporting The Yuck, (N.A.S.T.Y.), where certified uggos from all over Southern California come to the Burbank Holiday Inn Express to embrace our beady eyes, crooked teeth, bulbous noses, and horrible skin. If you got up this morning and thought to yourself, "I don't think I'm a very attractive person," you're 100% correct. But please, as a favor to me, do not dwell on the fact that you're aesthetically deficient. Instead, focus on the indisputable certainty that your beauty is simply inverted; like a perfectly-fried crispy egg roll, your good stuff is all on the inside. In a world where happiness and success can be achieved despite severe genetic impairments, our group's motto has never been more relevant: "Not everyone is hot, and that's okay." If you strive to develop an intellect that can elicit a smile, a laugh, or even a smirk, trust me when I say that there is absolutely nothing as hot as being genuinely funny, smart, and most importantly: f*cking kind. And on that note, I want to thank you for attending. Complimentary coffee and snacks will be served in the lobby, and please remember to pay your dues by the 30th.

To try America's #1 Meal Kit for Eating Well, go to https://GreenChef.com/BALD50 and use code BALD50 for 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next two months!

This holiday season, gift yourself some peace of mind! If you’re 21+, check out https://bit.ly/viiathebbpod and use code BALD to receive 15% off! After you purchase they ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. This holiday season, enhance your everyday with VIIA!

You owe yourself a trip and trips are always better with Airbnb. If you want more space, more privacy, a better location, and the most loved homes, check out https://Airbnb.com or download the Airbnb app!

Take care of your leather handbags and products! Head to https://MyCuire.com to get your leather care kit today. The best way to make your handbag last forever!

Men's health? RocketRX has you covered! To check out RocketRX and start your free consultation, head to: https://rebrand.ly/170bbc

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Have you ever stared up at the stars, considered the shocking vastness of space, and asked yourself, "Are we alone in the universe?" A recent analysis from the Bald Center for Ludicrosity Studies may have your answer. As the government releases more information about Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena, or UAPs, there seems to be a growing consensus amongst podcast co-hosts that there is an earthly explanation for the UAP/UFO sightings. Dr. Kenneth Zomoldhikova, of the vaunted West Hollywood Institute, has put forward his cryptoterrestrial hypothesis for the UAPs, theorizing that the intelligent beings responsible for these aircraft may be concealed in stealth right here on Earth. That could mean they are walking amongst us and passing as Academy Award-nominated human actors with shockingly gorgeous cheek-bones who look like the product of human-on-pigeon inter-species relations.

Need a website? Head to https://www.Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.SquareSpace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain!

As a special offer for our listeners, new customers GET 15% ALL Lume products with our exclusive code BALD - and if you combine the 15% off with the already discounted starter pack, that equals over 40% off their Starter Pack! Use code BALD for 15% off your first purchase at https://LumeDeodorant.com

Take care of your leather handbags and products! Head to https://MyCuire.com to get your leather care kit today. The best way to make your handbag last forever!

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

Shop Etsy this holiday season! For original gifts that say “I get you”... Etsy has it! Head to: https://www.Etsy.com

Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

Make your fall finances a little greener by working towards your financial goals with Chime. Open your account in 2 minutes at https://Chime.com/BALD Chime. Feels like progress!

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

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We come to this podcast…for magic. We come to Bald to chortle, to weep, to soil ourselves, to hear about Demi Moore's commanding yet disgusting performance in The Substance. Because we need that, all of us, that indescribable feeling we get when the theme music begins to fade, Trixie and Katya's angelic voices materialize, and we are transported to an enchanting place we've never been before; like an inane story about exercising with butt plugs or a trip to Costco to buy forty-eight razors and 7lbs of strawberries. Not just entertained, but somehow reborn, together, spewed from the collective birth canal, covered in amniotic fluid and writhing on the floor like a hairless, newborn gargoyle. We come for the sparkling sounds, words of both surprising wisdom and transcendent stupidity, delivered straight to our auricular orifices like Satan's DoorDash. Sounds that you can feel deep within your vulva. Somehow, heartbreak feels good in a place likе this. These forty-five minutes feel like thе best part of our week, and the stories about hot dog launchers and necrophilia feel perfect and powerful. Because here, they are. The Bald and the Beautiful. We sit in chairs and talk. We call it a podcast. The dolls are the dolls.

Get your gut going and support a balanced gut microbiome with Ritual’s Synbiotic+. Get 25% off your first month at https://Ritual.com/BALD Happy squatting!

Make your fall finances a little greener by working towards your financial goals with Chime! Open your account in 2 minutes at https://Chime.com/BALD Chime. Feels like progress.

Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

This holiday season, gift yourself some peace of mind! If you’re 21+, check out https://bit.ly/viiathebbpod and use code BALD to receive 15% off! After you purchase they ask you where you heard about them. PLEASE support our show and tell them we sent you. This holiday season, enhance your everyday with VIIA!

To get Mint Mobile's new customer offer and your new 3-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to https://MintMobile.com/BALD

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

After nine guests and eleven episodes' worth of meandering stories about historical colon blockages, mermaid genitalia, and cosmic boreworms, prepare your grey matter for even more meandering stories about dental care imposters, chastity device technology, and acceptable dildo quantities, but this time delivered by the one, the only: Trixie mother-effing Mattel. From all of us here at Bald, LLC, especially Cheryl from Accounts Receivable, we want to say welcome the f*ck back, Trixie.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

Start all of your holiday shopping at https://Rakuten.com or download the Rakuten app to start saving today! Your Cash Back really adds up!

Do you want your leather handbag to last forever? Head to https://MyCuire.com to get your leather care kit today!

Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

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It's the 4th day of your all-gay Atlantis Cruise. You just left the Bahamas and the bed of a sexy Nassau scuba instructor. You're tired. You're hungover. Your stomach is full of rum, waffles, and passionfruit-flavored lube. The hot Caribbean sun is baking your pale-ass to a crisp. Do you know what you need? You need to go directly to your cabin, drink a bottle of Pedialyte, and take a 4-hour nap. But do you listen to me? Of course not. What do you do instead? You attend Joel Kim Booster's twenty-minute stand-up set about being a hot gay man having sex with other hot gay men, and heckle the hell out of him whilst spilling a bottomless mimosa all over your brand-new pink floral swim trunks.

To get Mint Mobile's new customer offer and your new 3-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to https://MintMobile.com/BALD today!

You owe yourself a trip and trips are always better with Airbnb. If you want more space, more privacy, a better location, and the most loved homes, check out https://Airbnb.com or download the Airbnb app!

Do you want your leather handbag to last forever? Head to https://MyCuire.com to get your leather care kit today!

Follow Joel Kim Booster: @IHateJoelKim

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

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Since the debut of The Bald and the Beautiful in October of 2020, Katya Zamolodchikova has tickled your ears with full-throated recommendations of tens of hundreds of films; many of which are great, most of which are not. As we approach the zenith of the Halloween season, be prepared for Joel Kim Booster to be utterly at odds with Katya's positively shining endorsement of Terrifier 3, with Miss Zamolodchikova describing it as what would happen if Ingmar Bergman decapitated Stanley Kubrick while simultaneously stabbing Wong Kar-wai with Jean-Luc Godard's sharpened femur.

Want to try the #1 meal kit for eating well? Go to https://GreenChef.com/BALD50 and use code BALD50 for 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next two months!

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

If you’re 21+, check out VIIA. Head to https://bit.ly/viiathebbpod and use the code BALD to receive 15% off. This fall, enhance your everyday with VIIA!

Need a website? Check Out https://SquareSpace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.SquareSpace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain!

Take more control of your finances and stop waiting for payday! Open your account in minutes at https://Chime.com/BALD Chime. Feels like progress.

Follow Joel Kim Booster: @IHateJoelKim

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

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What does it mean if several drug-addled hopheads break down the door of your beautiful three-story New York City townhouse, lick your face whilst whispering sweet nothings in your ear, steal your valuables, and they do it all in the service of their kingpin crime boss: singer, songwriter, actress, & legendary pop icon Madonna? All this and more will be discussed at length in this very special episode of Bald featuring Canada's greatest cultural export since poutine: Jimbo.

This Fall, get your gut going! Support a balanced gut microbiome with Ritual’s Synbiotic+. Get 25% off your first month at https://Ritual.com/BALD

Take more control of your finances and stop waiting for payday! Open your Chime account in minutes at https://Chime.com/BALD Chime. Feels like progress.

Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

Follow Jimbo: @JimboTheDragClown

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Step 1: Locate an impossibly gorgeous man in South Boston who's family owns an Italian restaurant. Follow him home and heat extra virgin olive oil in a heavy frying pan over medium heat. Add pancetta and garlic and saute until the pancetta is brown and crisp, and you're hard as a rock, about 8 minutes.

Step 2: In a large bowl, whisk together the cream, cheese, yolks, basil, and penis to blend. When ready, proceed to insertion into said gorgeous man.

Step 3: Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil over high heat. Add the spaghetti and cook until you finish, about 10 minutes if you think of something awful like your 5th grade teacher Mrs. Shield's thick, lustrous goatee. Once finished, ensure that both you and the spaghetti are fully drained.

Step 4: Add the chicken to the pan with the pancetta and stir to combine, as you prepare yourself to receive the gorgeous man inside you. Next, add the spaghetti and the cream mixture and toss over medium-low heat until he creams, (do NOT boil or you might end up scrambling his eggs). Season the pasta to taste, sprinkle his nuts with lemon zest, and serve with a generous topping of parmesan. Feeds two.

(Part 2 of a special 2-part interview!)

Need a website? Check Out https://SquareSpace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.SquareSpace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain!

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

Follow Sapphira: @SapphiraCristal

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

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MEN SEEKING MERMAID/MERMAN (Pacific Ocean Adjacent): Here for a naughty-cal time with sexy sirens of the sea. We are two fit & fabulous drag queens, one folically-challenged (Katya) and one with a glorious mane (Sapphira), seeking wet and wild night with sensual seafarers turned on by promiscuous pirates. Must have functioning fish genitalia and be DTF with land-dwelling homo sapiens. Tolerance for fish badussy strongly recommended. (ability to speak on land a plus) Please send juicy pics of your driftwood and/or mariana trench to: "buckets_of_seamen@if_the_boat_is_rocking.org"

(Part 1 of a 2-part interview!)

Achieve the zen of being regular and feel the difference daily with Ritual’s Synbiotic+. Get 25% off your first month at https://Ritual.com/BALD Happy squatting!

Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @lumedeodorant and get 15% off with promo code BALD at https://LumeDeodorant.com! #lumepod

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

Try VIIA today! Head to: https://bit.ly/viiathebbpod and use code BALD to receive 15% off!

Take more control of your finances and stop waiting for payday. Open your Chime account in minutes at https://Chime.com/BALD Chime. Feels like progress.

Follow Sapphira: @SapphiraCristal

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This week, the Loch Ness Monster of drag herself, Raja, visits the studio to discuss love, yoga, and wistful nostalgia for physical media porn. Many questions are posed and even fewer are answered. Does Raja exist? Do you exist? Is free will available to humanity in our desperate search for some semblance of personal and/or societal development? Or is it all an illusion, a minute portion of the complex ruse through which we spend every waking moment of our lives? I ask you this one question: does anyone really, truly exist? Probably not. But put that crisis aside for a moment and listen to this episode, because it's charming and entertaining and it will make you forget about the ceaseless march towards your inevitable demise for about an hour, and that's something.

Go to https://GreenChef.com/BALDCLASS for 50% off your first box + 50 FREE Credits with ClassPass! Green Chef. The #1 meal kit for eating well!

Need a website? Check out https://Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.Squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain!

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://ZocDoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

Follow Raja: @sutanamrull

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

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