Greetings, you luminous kitchen sprites! Today, we’re embarking on a journey — not just of baking, but of awakening your lifestyle & fashion demon through the delicate magic of edible flowers. Because why just eat cake when you can also accessorize it?

STEP 1: DON'T GET YOUR BEGONIAS IN A BUNCH
To avoid a trip to the E.R., avoid begonias and instead find manufactured spiritual enlightenment with freshly-picked rose petals, pansies, or marigolds.

STEP 2: CLEAN THOSE FILTHY FLOWERS
Rinse your petals in a bowl of Acqua di Cristallo Tributo a Modigliani from a secret spring in France, which you can find on sale for $80,000 per bottle, as regular bottled water tastes of mediocrity.

STEP 4: DECORATION AS MANIFESTATION
Once your cupcakes are baked and cooled, it’s time to place the rose petals atop the lemon lavender frosting, pausing every few moments to reflect on your life and think of all the ways you'll spend that $100M advance from Netflix.

Remember that each rose petal is like a tiny love note from your recent meditation retreat in Bali. As you serve the cupcakes, don't forget to smile through your perfectly white veneers as you assert decoration dominance over your guests. Maintain eye contact as you devour the dessert in complete and utter silence, the sound of your ever-growing investment portfolio the only music your party guests deserve.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at ⁠https://BetterHelp.com/BALD⁠ and get on your way to being your best self!

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In the depths of the city of angels, where devilish sinners prance,

There live two drag queens, luring innocent souls to Gomorrah with their twisted dance.

With rainbow flags flying, amidst the woke chaos no one can hear,

The cries of good 'ol Americans drowning their sorrows in watery domestic beer.

But down in the South, where mint juleps flow like water and the bayou air is pure,

The laws of the Crawdad and the Bible are the only cure.

So put down that wig, makeup, and butt-plug, and travel with us to where cornfields sway,

Escape the madness of the big city of L.A., and order a bowl of Crawfish Étouffée.

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Now is the time to join the Naked Wines community! Head to https://NakedWines.com/BALD, click ‘Enter Voucher’ and put in our code BALD for both the code AND password for 6 bottles of wine for JUST $39.99 with shipping included!  That’s $100 off your first six bottles!

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

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Chunky or creamy, innie or outie, hot or cold, tall or short, spicy or mild, text or call, sweet or sour, clean or dirty, gentle or rough, baked or fried, wet or dry, pizza or pasta, confetti or glitter, loud or quiet, elbows or knees, sparkling or still! Whether life serves you lemons or lemonade, give yourself a kiss today, 'cuz honey you were born some way.

Consider hosting your home on Airbnb while you’re away, as your home might be worth more than you think! Find out how much at https://Airbnb.com/HOST

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS an additional 30% off when you shop at https://Blissy.com/BALDPOD Your skin and hair will thank you!

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As we enter the final lead-up to Easter Sunday, let us all reflect on the many blessings we have in our lives, including the magical marshmallow carbohydrate bombs: Peeps. This Lent, download CruciPeep from the App Store and join Peeps devotees from all across the globe in our special 2025 Bald & Beautiful CruciPeep Challenge! For the week leading up to Easter, make Peeps a part of every single meal while you pray to the nutritional gods of Red Dye #3, Carnauba Wax, and Potassium Sorbate. From Peepgels (Bagels with melted Peeps in place of cream cheese), to Peepuna Melts (Tuna Melts with melted Peeps in place of mayonnaise), to Peepzas (Pizzas topped with Cinnamon Churro-flavored Peeps), there's something for everyone this Lent! Join celebrities like Trixie Mattel, Katya Zamo, Gwen Stefani, and Starship Troopers' Casper Van Dien in prostrating yourself before the golden Peeps gods, lest we feel their sugary wrath!

Turn your everyday purchases and on-time payments into steps toward your financial goals with Chime’s Secured Credit Builder Visa® Credit Card. Get started today at https://Chime.com/BALD Chime. Feels like progress.

Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://Zocdoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

Get better sleep, hair and skin with Blissy and use code BALDPOD to get an additional 30% off at https://Blissy.com/BALDPOD

Need a website or domain? Check Out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, head to: https://www.Squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain!

Interested in GLP-1s? Go to https://Ro.Co/BALD for your free insurance check. You can see if your insurance covers GLP-1s—for free.

For a limited time get 40% off your first Hungryroot box PLUS get a free item in every box for life! Go to https://Hungryroot.com/BALD and use code BALD

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In a world where Amish tradition meets secular temptation, six Amish youths will be tested like never before. Watch as these impressionable young adults from Lancaster County are thrown into the outside world where their innocence doesn't stand a chance. From the barn to the bar, this ain't your Uncle Jedediah's Rumspringa. This Summer, Tee-El-Cee Network presents a journey from farm to filth. Stop churning that butter and throw away that bonnet: it's Extreme Rumspringa! Sundays at 9, only on Tee-El-Cee.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp! Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

Support a balanced gut microbiome and get your gut going with Ritual’s Synbiotic+! Get 25% off your first month at https://Ritual.com/BALD

If you’re 21+, try VIIA during their annual SPRING 420 SALE for Black Friday-level savings up to 35% OFF site wide! Go to: https://VIIA.co/BALD and use code BALD today!

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Is your spouse sick of your night terrors involving narrow driveways and parallel parking? Does the thought of merging onto a freeway during rush hour make your perineum perspire? We here at The Bald Driving School are here to help. With dozens of days of driving experience, our two instructors will guide you through blinkers, beeps, blind spots, and barefoot driving techniques. The Bald Driving School: if you "Can't" drive, we'll teach you so you "Chaka Khan"!

Give your cat the food they deserve! For a limited time only, you can get 35% off Smalls plus an additional 50% off your first order by using our code BALD at https://Smalls.com

Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://Zocdoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

Use our code for 10% off your next SeatGeek order* by going to:

https://seatgeek.onelink.me/RrnK/BALD10 This episode is sponsored by

SeatGeek. *Restrictions apply. Max $25 discount

Support a balanced gut microbiome and get your gut going with Ritual’s Synbiotic+! Get 25% off your first month at https://Ritual.com/BALD

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Dearest Trixie and Katya fans: it has come to our attention that ye, the huddled malodorous masses of the proletariat who worship at the altar of our eternal magnificence, have come to the falsely-held belief that encountering us in a public space grants you the privilege of speaking to us, thereby forcing us to acknowledge your meager existence. In many cases, the most squalid amongst you have risen to unbelievable heights of insolence and requested that we engage in the appallingly putrid act of taking a photograph with you. It is this transgressive act that has forced us to make the following public declaration: moving forward, we shall no longer tolerate such disgusting displays of impertinence, for we have ascended to a plane of existence that your feeble minds cannot even begin to comprehend. We have spoken. Let it be done. (PS - we actually really love you, and Katya specifically wants to thank you for tuning in so the ad revenue will grant her the ability to live her life sans black mold)

To support Trixie's friend's fund that is designated for the support and development of male early childhood educators, head to: https://www.nextdoormke.org/belikemike/

Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @lumedeodorant and get 15% off with promo code BALDANDBEAUTIFUL at https://Lumepodcast.com/BALDANDBEAUTIFUL #lumepod

This Spring, fast-track your way to eating well with Marley Spoon! Head to https://MarleySpoon.com/OFFER/BALD and use code BALD for up to 27 FREE meals!

Make progress towards a better financial future with Chime! Open your account in 2 minutes at https://Chime.com/BALD Chime. Feels like progress.

Use our code for 10% off your next SeatGeek order*: https://seatgeek.onelink.me/RrnK/BALD10

Sponsored by SeatGeek. *Restrictions apply. Max $25 discount

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This Summer, visit beautiful Australia and experience Brisbane’s sights, sounds, and especially the smells! You can island-hop by helicopter, hike to hidden waterfalls, or relax at one of Brisbane's acclaimed new restaurants! Explore the city with your mate as you sip spritzes atop a rooftop bar, down pints at a craft brewery, or order cheeseburgers and fries with a side of automobile adhesive at Macca's! You definitely won't have memories that last a lifetime after you take a magical olfactory carpet ride on that chrome duster to a magical netherworld!

If Katya can do it, literally anybody can. Today's episode is sponsored by EX Program! Text JOINKATYA to 88709 to get started on your quit journey today with the EX Program! It's free, confidential, and available 24/7 anywhere in the U.S.! Text JOINKATYA to 88709 to start your nicotine quit journey now, Deborah! #SponsoredByEXProgram

Try VIIA today! Head to: https://viia.co/BALD and use code BALD to receive 15% off, free shipping on orders over $100, and if you’re new to VIIA - get a free gift of your choice!

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp! For a limited time, visit https://BetterHelp.com/BALD to get 90% off your first week!

Try the best-selling Blissy pillowcase today! Head to: https://Blissy.com/BALDPOD and use code BALDPOD to get an additional 30% off! Your skin and hair will thank you!

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

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In a historical socio-political context, "appeasement" is defined as a diplomatic negotiation between parties where one party makes political, material, or territorial concessions to the other party (the aggressor) with the express intention of avoiding conflict. While we will never admit that the blue set exemplified anything but unadulterated aesthetic perfection, we grew tired of seeing you heathens leave copious numbers of comments calling the gorgeous shade of blue an ocular crime against humanity. Hence, we embarked on the path of least resistance and have chosen appeasement over conflict. Behold the flawless magnificence and timeless beauty of our new set. If we hear one word about this set. One word, people. ONE. WORD.

If you want more space, more privacy, a better location, and the most loved homes, check out https://Airbnb.com or download the Airbnb app! Trips are always better with Airbnb!

Make progress towards a better financial future with Chime! Open your account in 2 minutes at https://Chime.com/BALD Chime. Feels like progress.

You’re going to love Hungryroot as much as we do! Take advantage of this exclusive offer: for a limited time get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life! Go to https://Hungryroot.com/BALD and use code BALD.

Stop putting off those doctors appointments! Head to https://Zocdoc.com/BALD to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today!

Need a website or domain? Check Out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, head to: https://www.Squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain!

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

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Blueberry season is on its way and this Summer, prepare for that special vacation to Disneyland by clearing out your tired old mocktail recipes, your social calendar, and your stomach contents! This week we're making our signature non-alcoholic weight-loss aperitif, "Katya's Berry Bad Decision". It's a refreshing, subtly sweet concoction filled to the brim with blueberries, mint, and regret; all mixed together to get you the Summer beach-bod of your dreams!

Ingredients:

▢ 1 cup blueberries marinated in E. coli

▢ ½ cup fresh mint leaves

▢ 2 tablespoons lime juice

▢ 1 tablespoon honey

▢ 2 cups seltzer water

▢ Ice

▢ Lime and mint sprigs for garnish

Preparation:

Place unwashed blueberries, mint, and lime juice in a cocktail shaker and muddle. Add

ice, honey, and seltzer. Shake vigorously to blend. Strain into a mason jar and garnish with a lime wedge and mint sprig. Sip slowly while listening to Russian electro-pop, and stay within 10 feet of your bathroom for 24-48 hours.

If you're 21+, try VIIA and enhance your everyday today!  Head to: https://viia.co/BALD and use code BALD to receive 15% off and free shipping on orders over $100!

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self!

Get your gut going today with Ritual's Synbiotic+! Head to: https://Ritual.com/BALD today to get 25% off your first month!

Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

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