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Welcome to the blueprint podcast where we throw old the old blueprint so you can become who you were always meant to be. I’m your host, Jason Smith, and if you haven’t already make sure you click the subscribe button and share this episode with your friends on social media and tag me in it @jbirdfit.
In this week's episode we are going to answer a really common question the anxious attacher often asks, Does the avoidant ever recognize they were half of the problem?
My quick answer is, why does it matter to you?
Unless you are still with this person there is nothing more for you to try to understand about this relationship. You’ve already exhausted everything there is to talk about through text message arguments and elevated emotions. This person gave you no additional information because they are currently working from their subconscious and don’t have the emotional capacity in this moment to see what you see or to see things from your perspective. You want a reason why, you want closure, you want clarity, but what you really want to know is what you did wrong to cause this because it must be your fault, everything is your fault, but what if I told you, you didn’t do anything wrong, you weren’t bad, you’re not being punished, there nothing to fight for, and nothing is being taken away from you. Although it may feel exactly like that. What if, it’s something that’s going on inside of the other person and the way you present yourself and relate to them in relationships triggers their attachment system. When that happens their emotional capacity is greatly diminished, and they default to old patterns and coping mechanisms which is to pull away to be and feel safe? What if this wasn’t about you? Can you accept that? Can you make peace with that? What is it about this relationship that makes you desire to stay in it when your needs aren’t being met and you feel crazy trying to understand what’s happening, what you did wrong, and how can you fix it?
I commend you for being able to recognize that something isn’t going well in the relationship and that you have a desire to work to solve whatever the problem is. That’s very healthy and shows you already have honed some skills that are necessary to create interdependence within a relationship. So, celebrate that win!
Recognizing one's role in relationship issues can be challenging for anyone, including avoidant individuals. However, it is possible for avoidant individuals to become more aware of their contribution to relationship difficulties with time, self-reflection, and personal growth. Did you catch that? It means they have to be willing to do the work. It takes two in a relationship to bring resolution to issues, problems, and conflicts but they have to be a willing participant and you both have to be willing to take ownership and create neutrality around a subject to bring resolution and no the relationship isn’t over just because you had a disagreement.
The Avoidant attachment style is characterized by a tendency to distance oneself emotionally from others to avoid intimacy and vulnerability. Intimacy is one of the avoidants greatest fears that often stems from someone close to them (caregiver) breaking trust with the avoidant thus solidifying at a young age that the avoidant can and has to take care of themselves because no one else is going to do it. Care was inconsistent or non-existent. This distancing behavior can lead to difficulties in forming close and secure connections with partners. In some cases, avoidant individuals may struggle to acknowledge their role in relationship problems because they tend to prioritize self-reliance and independence because again, trust was broken. This is often a subconscious reaction, and they often can’t articulate what they are experiencing other than, overwhelm caused by another person. Step away from the person, overwhelm goes away, when overwhelm goes away they will reach back out again.
However, as people gain self-awareness through introspection or through the help of therapy or counseling, they can become more attuned to their attachment style and its impact on their relationships. With increased understanding, avoidant individuals may start to recognize how their emotional distancing and fear of intimacy affect their partners and the overall dynamics of the relationship. This is key for all of us who have an insecure attachment style. There is some inner work to do that it starts with the awareness of you, the individual, not the awareness of the other person so you blame them, tell them they need therapy, text them relationships memes all day, and give them books to read because they are broken and deficient. You might mean well, but the message and overarching theme you’re telling them is, you’re not good enough, you’re not good enough for me, and I’m disgusted and repulsed by you and your behavior. Again, for many this is subconscious and not intentional, but it may feel that way for you. This is why self-awareness and neutrality are so important. And why you, working on you, is really the path for cultivating relationships in the way you desire instead of trying to change someone so you can like them.
It's important to note that personal growth is a gradual process, and some individuals may require more time and support to come to terms with their attachment patterns. It’s really difficult to take a good look in the mirror and be ok with what you see. Good, bad, or indifferent. Additionally, the willingness to recognize and take responsibility for one's actions in relationships can vary from person to person. Some avoidant individuals may be more open to self-reflection, while others may find it more difficult to confront their emotional challenges. You have to accept that the avoidant may never be ready to face their emotional challenges and that is when you ask yourself. Can I love this person as they are now knowing their emotional capacity for love and intimacy if they never change. Can I work through that for the rest of my life?
Ultimately, building healthier and more secure relationships often involves a combination of self-awareness, personal growth, and open communication with partners. If an avoidant individual is willing to work on themselves and their attachment style, there is a possibility for positive change and improved relationship dynamics. However, this transformation usually requires dedication and a genuine desire to create more fulfilling connections with others.
Thank you all for spending your time with me. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure you rate and review the show to help us grow and check out my 21-day self-love challenge 5-part introductory series on TikTok and in my stan store!
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Your background, education, experience, and work ethic may differ. There is no guarantee of success. Individuals do not track the typicality of its student's experiences. Your results may vary.
