My topic this week is good manners. Why good manners? Well, for one thing, they seem to be in short supply these days, and our worlds are becoming less and less civil and polite and that just adds another level of stress to our everyday lives. Secondly, good manners means simply being considerate of others, and surely that is the right thing to do especially if we are Christians.

Paul wrote to the Corinthians 8:21: “For we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of men.” Good manners is doing what is right, including saying thank you and please, letting someone go ahead of you, returning phone calls promptly, having good eating manners—and a myriad of other things that used to be firmly taught in the home. Maybe that’s where the breakdown begins these days—we aren’t teaching or demonstrating good manners in our homes.

Well, our friend Fran has confronted her son’s lack of manners this week, and hopefully has helped him to see that he needs to be polite at all times. Driving to work this next morning, she is singing along with a praise and worship song on the radio when someone starts blowing his horn behind her. She looks in the rearview mirror and realizes he is right on her bumper. She’s in the left lane going the speed limit, but evidently he thinks she’s driving too slow.

She starts to put on her turn signal to change to the middle lane, but before she can, he pulls out and whips around her, almost running into her. He misses by an inch if that much. Fran’s heart almost stops beating, realizing how close she came to an accident. As he pulls around her, he gives her a very ugly sign and yells something profane at her.

Road rage, she thinks. Good grief, I’m not even safe driving the speed limit in my car anymore. It takes her back to this whole issue of manners, and how our society seems to have lost the civil touch.

“Lord,” she prays, “what can I do to keep from falling into this trap? All around me people are rude and uncaring and impolite, and it can be contagious. Please help me, Father, to maintain the good manners I’ve been taught and to pass them on to my children. Please help me, Father.”

After praying she immediately thinks of some thank you notes that she needs to write. “Good grief,” she says to herself, “I should have written those notes last week. Forgive me for my lack of good manners, Lord. I’ll write them at lunch today, for sure.”

You may not think of good manners as a spiritual issue, but I believe it is because good manners demonstrate a caring attitude and that is very spiritual indeed.

How are you doing in the good manners department? In our very rushed society with its frantic pace, often simple good manners seem to get lost in the shuffle. But don’t you believe it’s still important for those of us who believe in Jesus Christ to show the same care and concern for others that he did—and wouldn’t that include simple good manners?

Fran has been pondering these questions this week, as she has been confronted with poor manners on the part of her young son and her professional peers. Tonight, as she clears the dishes from the dinner table, she says to Drew, “Remember, we’re having a talk tonight, Drew.” He makes a face, indicating that he had hoped she would forget. But Fran believes it is important to nip his attitude in the bud, and she has prayed all day that Drew will listen and accept what she says.

Sitting down with him, she says, “You know, Drew, this morning you said that you’re not always polite and nice at school like I’ve taught you to be because the other boys in your class are not very polite. Is that right?”

“Yeah,” Drew hesitates. “I mean, it’s not cool to be saying please and thanks and stuff like that all the time.”

“Not cool, huh?” Fran says. “Well, what is more important, Drew: to please God or to please your friends?” Drew doesn’t want to answer that question. Fran continues: “The Bible says it’s better to please God than people. You know, Drew, if you try to be cool all the time, you’ll always be doing what the other guys are doing, and that could lead you into all kinds of bad things.”

She has a long talk with him about going along with the crowd and the importance of having a good testimony for Jesus at school. “You know, Drew,” she concludes, “your Dad was always very polite. Do you remember?”

He nods. “And if he were here, he’d insist on you having good manners just like he did. He would want you to realize that even if you’re different from the other boys, the right thing to do is have good manners like we’ve taught you. Your dad was a very special man, and he always had good manners.”

This reaches young Drew’s heart, and he apologizes to his mom. “I really am sorry, Mom. I know Dad would want me to be nice,” he says.

They pray together and Fran’s heart is lighter. As she lays her head on the pillow that night, she thanks the Lord for helping her and once again asks for his protection of her children in this world which is often so anti-biblical.

Are you teaching your children good manners? Do you demonstrate good manners in your home? I think we need to re-examine this time-honored tradition of being mannerly and realize that it’s the right thing to do.

Do you ever forget to use the good manners your mom taught you? In a world that seems to be less and less civil and more and more rude, it’s easy for us to fall into that pattern. But as Christ-followers, our lifestyles should be markedly different, and I believe that includes good manners.

Fran had a startling conversation with her ten-year-old son, Drew, this morning, and realized that the good manners she’s been trying to teach him seem to be defeated by the influence of his school friends. She has determined to have a long talk with him tonight about the importance of manners.

Arriving at work she looks at her calendar and realizes that she has to finish her preparations for a training session tomorrow. It’s an optional session that her boss asked her to conduct. She gets her handouts together and takes them to her assistant. “Linda, these are the handouts for tomorrow’s training session. How many people are coming?”

“I’ve only gotten return calls from three people, Fran, so I don’t know for sure,” Linda replies.

“Didn’t we put a deadline for responding, Linda?” Fran asks.

“Sure; they were supposed to let us know by last Friday. But hardly anyone ever calls. I have to get on the phone and call them, and then it’s phone tag for days,” Linda shrugs.

“But it’s in the memo that they are to let us know one way or the other, right?” Fran asks again.

“Right, Fran, but they just don’t do it, that’s what I’m telling you,” Linda says.

Returning to her office, Fran flops in her chair. Talking to herself she says, “What’s happening here? Isn’t it professionally correct to return calls, respond to requests, fulfill requirements? Is that no longer the professional thing to do?”

Her friend, Louise, walks in. “Talking to yourself again, I see. Be careful when you start answering yourself.”

They chuckle. “Louise, I’m bothered. It just seems to me that manners are quickly disappearing from the scene. Nobody bothers with simple everyday manners anymore.”

“You just noticed?” Louise responds. “Why? What happened?”

Fran tells her about the episode with her son this morning, and then the realization that the professionals in their own company don’t demonstrate simple business manners.

“Well, Fran,” Louise says, “you might as well get used to it. That’s the way things are these days. Nobody seems to have time to be polite.”

“You know what, Louise—this is a place where we can shine as Christians, don’t you agree?” Fran asks.

“You mean, we can be very polite to show them up?” Louise asks.

“Not to show others up but to demonstrate the kindness and consideration of others that Jesus always had. After all, that’s what manners really are—being considerate of others,” Fran says.

“You’re right about that,” Louise agrees.

“Let’s start a campaign for good manners, what do you think?” Fran asks.

With a furrowed brow, Louise considers her request. Well, what do you think? Should we Christians start a campaign for good manners? Do they really matter?

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it sure seems to me that good manners are in short supply these days. Just plain, ordinary, everyday manners. Well, our friend Fran has a few run-ins with poor manners this week; let’s see how she handles it.

Her son, Drew, now ten years old, walks into the kitchen where Fran is preparing breakfast. “Hey, mom, give me some money for school,” he says.

“Excuse me,” Fran replies. “What did you say?”

“I said give me some money for school; I need some lunch money,” he repeats.

“That’s what I thought you said,” Fran answers. “Drew, where are your manners? That’s not the way you ask for something, is it?”

“Oh, you mean I have to say please. Okay. . . puleese give me some money for school,” he replies in a smart-aleck way.

“Drew, I’ve taught you to have better manners than that. What’s gotten into you lately? You have to be reminded to say please and thank you . . . those are basic manners that you must remember, Drew.”

“Why?” he asks. “None of my friends say please and thank you.”

“Now, that’s not true, Drew. I know some of your friends, and their mothers have taught them to be polite, too,” Fran says.

“Well, maybe at church, but not at school,” Drew responds. “You know Alex—he says lots of bad things at school.”

“Alex Griffin?” Fran is astonished. Alex is the son of a wonderful couple at church and he has always behaved very well around her. “I find that hard to believe, Drew. He’s always very polite to me.”

“Yeah, ‘cause his mom’s around and he has to be,” Drew answers.

“Then does that mean that you are polite and nice only when I am around?” Fran asks, almost afraid to hear the answer.

Drew’s head drops and he pauses. “Well, sometimes, but I’m not as bad as Alex.”

“Drew, tonight you and I are going to have a long talk about manners and why they are important,” Fran informs him. “It’s one thing to go behind your mom’s back and do things you shouldn’t do, but you can’t go behind Jesus’ back. He sees and hears everything you do and say. Do you think he is pleased when you are rude; when you don’t have good manners like you’ve been taught?”

Drew shrugs his shoulders, unsure how to respond to that. But Fran doesn’t get the feeling that she has made her point with him. “Remember, tonight you and I have a long talk.”

As she drives to work, tears trickle down Fran’s cheeks thinking about what Drew said. “Oh, Lord, how do you raise kids in this sick world to be decent people? How can I teach my children even the most basic everyday manners and help them see that they are important? Am I just overreacting? Am I just outdated? Oh, Lord, please give me wisdom and guidance.”

Manners—have you let yours slip lately? Does it matter if you do? After all, not many people have good manners these days. Should a Christian worry about it?

Fran has been chosen to work with Jim Clark, a big-time Vice President, on a bid for a new account, Mitchell's Commercial Cleaners, a new and growing popular franchise. It's a very good opportunity for Fran; she feels honored to be chosen. She only had one day's notice that Jim would be in town today to meet with her, so she stayed up late last night, reading and learning all she could about Mitchell's.

Even though she went to bed very late, she's awake before the alarm goes off, with the adrenaline pumping. She feels too excited to sit still but knows that she needs some quiet time with Jesus to center herself and her thoughts before this day begins.

She says to the Lord, "I'm so thankful you're going to be with me, Lord. Will I ever need you!” She re-reads the verse in Isaiah 50:7, which the Lord gave her for this very situation.

Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame.

"I'll keep that verse in mind all day, Lord," Fran says, as she excitedly starts to get ready for work.

She arrives at the office half an hour earlier than usual and reviews her notes. She remembers what the Lord showed her this morning through his word: “Your future does not rest on this job, Fran,” she says to herself, “or on this new prospect, or on this meeting with Jim. Your future is in the Lord’s hands, not his.”  This really helps Fran get her eternal focus, and she feels very prepared and ready.

She heads for the conference room, where Marilyn introduces her to Jim, who doesn't look like Fran imagined he would. He's about six feet tall and quite good looking—maybe five or six years older than Fran.

As she shakes hands with Jim, he looks straight in her eyes and gives her a disarming smile. All of a sudden she is self-conscious. They take their seats, and Fran gets out her notes. She feels herself getting nervous, and sends up a quick, quiet prayer to Jesus for calmness. Once again she is reminded that he is always with her; that really helps a lot.

And with that, a long morning of discussion begins. Just before lunch, Marilyn explains that she must leave because of a prior commitment with another client, which surprises Fran. She had expected her to be with them for the day.

As she leaves, Jim turns to Fran and says, "Well, where do we go for lunch?"

"Lunch?" Fran responds. "Well, I suggest we order something so we get the most out of our time today."

"Well, I think we need to get away for lunch, Fran. You can choose the restaurant," Jim insists.

Fran feels uncomfortable and suggests inviting a coworker along for consultation. But Jim doesn't want to include anyone else, and he insists they leave immediately.

Fran has this knot in her stomach about being alone with Jim in a non-business setting. As they are seated at the restaurant, she again prays silently, "Lord, stay close by. I may need some help before this luncheon is over."

She is reassured of his presence and remembers that her first allegiance is to God. There’s no reason for her to be intimidated by Jim’s position.

As their meal is almost finished, Jim turns to Fran. "Marilyn tells me you are a single mom; your husband died not long ago, I believe."

"Yes, a few years ago. He was killed in an accident, and I have two children," she replies.

He hasn't taken his eyes off her. "Well, you certainly have a promising future, Fran. I would say if all goes well, you can expect to be moving up fast and making lots more money. This account alone could increase your income by $10,000 this year—easy, maybe more.”  Jim waits for Fran's reaction.

She gulps hard and says, "Well, there's no denying that the money would be helpful."

Jesus said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34). In his book Tom asks the question: “Why did Jesus need to give his followers a new commandment? Weren’t there already plenty of commandments in the Old Testament?” (p. 95).

He then explains that Jesus is saying that they now need to love in a new way, the way he loves. Not out of duty or by trying to keep the law, but from a genuine concern for the other person. And Tom gives us a very practical way to keep this new commandment: “Rediscover the attitude of love in the everyday habits of your life” (pg. 96). I love that thought because I can see how it works out in my life.

As Tom says, “Much of life is routine. If you don’t allow love to become a part of the routine of life, love will be missing from the majority of the minutes in your day” (pg. 97). So, how do we do this? It’s simple: As you’re doing whatever routine thing you’re doing, say to yourself that you’re doing it out of love.

Example: You’re cooking supper for your family. As you prepare, put new thoughts into your head. Instead of thinking about how tired you are, or how unappreciative they are of what you do for them, or how much you don’t want to cook supper tonight, think instead, “I’m doing this because I love my family. I’m showing love by cooking supper tonight.”

I know—you’re thinking, what difference will that make? Try it! For at least a week, determine by God’s grace that you will do your routine tasks from an attitude of love, and just see what happens. For example, if you are a teacher, remind yourself that you are teaching the kids because you really want them to learn and you care about them.

If you will change your thought patterns and choose to think about the good of the others in your life, I can promise you it will make huge improvements in your relationships. It’s the new commandment that Jesus gave us, to love like he loves, and when you obey Jesus, you cannot fail.

For a donation of any amount in the month of November 2021 you can receive a copy of The Relationship Principles of Jesus by Tom Holladay - while supplies last.

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Did you know that what is going on in your mind is affecting your relationships? I’ve been sharing some thoughts from Tom Holladay’s book, The Relationship Principles of Jesus, and he makes the point that “What’s happening in your heart is serious business. You may think that the self-pity you heap on yourself every day isn’t affecting your relationships. But it is” (p. 114).

Maybe you’re thinking that you cannot change the way you feel, and you’re probably right about that. But as Tom says, “You cannot change the way you feel, but you can change the circumstances that are causing the way you feel. And then the feelings will change” (pg. 114).

Let me give you an example. Suppose you work with a person of the opposite sex and your relationship has become very close. In fact, though you are single and he is married, you’ve allowed this relationship to go way beyond the boundaries of friendship, and you’ve spent much alone time together, allowed the conversations to become quite intimate, and you’re only a step away from beginning a physical relationship—committing adultery.

You know you need to end this relationship; you know it is wrong; you know God is very displeased with your behavior. But you’ve convinced yourself that you simply can’t break it off; it has become too important to you. Or perhaps you’ve convinced yourself that you can just back it down and keep it under control. Those are lies from your enemy, Satan, and you could not be more wrong.

So, what you have to do, if you want to avoid misery and heartache beyond belief, not to mention you want to live a pure life to please Jesus, is to take whatever drastic steps you have to take to change the circumstances that are causing you to feel this great need and love for the wrong person. You change jobs, you change churches, you move to another city—whatever it takes. You can’t change your feelings, but you can change your circumstances that are causing the feelings.

Jesus said if your hand offends you, cut it off; if your eye offends you, cut it out (Matthew 5:29-30). It is his principle of dealing drastically with temptation and sin, and believe me, you are well-advised to put it into practice if necessary. You’ll never regret going God’s way.

For a donation of any amount in the month of November 2021 you can receive a copy of The Relationship Principles of Jesus by Tom Holladay - while supplies last.

Jesus said we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, but the question is, how can you just love someone on demand? We’re talking about relationship principles based on what Jesus taught us. And I’m using some thoughts from a book by Tom Holladay entitled The Relationship Principles of Jesus.

Tom begins chapter 9 in his book by stating that “You cannot command an emotion, but you can command an action.” He goes on to say that “Understanding the difference between emotion and action—between what you feel and what you do—empowers every relationship you have” (p. 89).

Have you ever fallen “out of love” with someone you once loved, or vice-versa? I’ve known married couples who were getting divorced because one of them simply declared, “I don’t love you anymore.” A counselor might say, “But you should love your mate.” Will that solve the problem? No, probably not, because you can’t command an emotion out of anyone.

Tom says in his book, “You can’t command an emotion, but you can command an action. When Jesus says, ‘I command you to love one another,’ he’s not saying, ‘Feel this way’: he’s saying, ‘Act this way.’  Act with love toward another person” (p. 90).

Is there someone in your life right now that you should love, but you don’t? Here’s what you do. Ask yourself what you would do for that person if you did feel lots of love for them. Maybe it’s a mate or a parent or a child or a sibling—someone close to you, and yet you feel no love for that person. But if you did, what would do? You’d say nice things, you’d do something for them, you’d be interested in what they are doing, you’d spend some time with them. So, pick an action that you would do if you felt like you loved that person, and do it. You can command an action, so do it out of obedience to Jesus Christ and for the sake of the relationship. Then trust God to bring back the feelings that made it easy to love them before.

What about other relationships that aren’t so close—like bosses or employees or co-workers? They’re your neighbors, right? You’re supposed to love them as you love yourself. So, even though you may not like them, what would you do for them if you did really like them? Help them do their work, or be willing to go the extra mile, or give them some appreciation? So, pick an action and do it. You can command an action, and it could make profound differences in your relationships if you did. If you do what you’re supposed to do, regardless of your feelings, you will find that usually those feelings eventually return.

For a donation of any amount in the month of November 2021 you can receive a copy of The Relationship Principles of Jesus by Tom Holladay - while supplies last.

Are there some relationships in your life that need improving? Most of us would definitely have to say yes to that question. I’m sharing some thoughts from a book by Tom Holladay entitled The Relationship Principles of Jesus, which have challenged me and so if you’d like some help with some relationships in your life, this book gives you practical, biblical help.

I love this quote from the Peanuts character, Linus: I love mankind! It's people I can't stand!  Well, Linus, the truth is it’s easier to talk about loving mankind than it is to love your neighbor as yourself. In his book Tom asks how did Jesus love?

He didn’t spend all night making to-do lists of which people he would show love to the next day. He didn’t have some kind of prioritization grid though which everyone who wanted his love had to pass. He simply loved people as the opportunity arose during the normal traffic patterns of his life (p. 74).

This is a powerful relationship principle from Jesus, if you and I would just practice it. I often remind myself that no one is in my life by accident, and yet far-too-often I treat some of those people that come into my normal traffic pattern as though they are a nuisance, an interruption. Loving the people who come into our normal traffic pattern each day is something we can do, by God’s grace and by asking God to help us see them as he sees them.

This doesn’t mean we hug everyone’s neck and have lengthy conversations with everyone in our traffic pattern. But it does mean that we see beyond the outward appearance and we intentionally remember that they are important to God, they are created in God’s image, they have souls that will spend eternity somewhere, either heaven or hell, and they deserve our respect. They deserve a smile, a kind word, a recognition from us that they are not a nuisance; they are important.

Tom says, “Make the choice to love the few you can love today, trusting in the greatness of God that he will put the right people in your path on the journey of life” (p. 75). We have to make a daily choice and pray this principle into our lives, and then God’s Spirit will remind us and empower us to simply love the people who come across our paths during the normal traffic patterns of our lives.

Can you even imagine the impact this one simply principle would have if we lived it out everyday?

For a donation of any amount in the month of November 2021 you can receive a copy of The Relationship Principles of Jesus by Tom Holladay - while supplies last.

A book by Tom Holladay entitled The Relationship Principles of Jesus gives some very helpful information about our relationships. I’m going to share some of the golden nuggets you will find in this book.

As I’ve often said, relationships are the sandpaper of our lives. They are almost always our biggest challenge, and yet Tom points out that nothing is more important than relationships. He says, “A life without relationships may well be a simple life, but it is also an empty life” (p. 27), and that is so true. So, you and I should place a very high value on our relationships. Do you value your relationships more than money? More than success? More than doing your own thing?

In Philippians 2:3-4 we read: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” If we truly consider others better than ourselves and look to their interests, we will definitely be placing a high value on the relationships in our lives.

How do we live out this principle of considering others better than ourselves? Tom points out that you have to get outside of yourself for your relationships to change. For example, when someone interrupts you—maybe a coworker who asks a question—and you are irritated at the interruption, you have to get outside of yourself in order to consider their interest rather than your own.

I find that I can practice this principle a lot when I’m driving. For example, someone is trying to push his way into the line of traffic in front of you instead of waiting his turn. My blood starts to boil and everything in me wants to prevent that person from getting in front of me. But if I can stop and think, maybe he has a real emergency, or if I can remember a few times I’ve done that myself, then I can allow that person in line, lower my blood pressure, and put that person’s interest ahead of my own.

Today or tomorrow, as you face the day ahead for you, ask God to help you practice this principle of getting outside of yourself and being willing to put someone else first. Whether it’s in traffic, in the office, or in your home, you could see some dramatic changes in those relationships because you put the other person first.

For a donation of any amount in the month of November 2021 you can receive a copy of The Relationship Principles of Jesus by Tom Holladay - while supplies last.