In this episode of The Crux, we tackle the question many couples face: “Is it me or her?” Often asked after years of conflict and disconnection, this question points to deeper relational patterns like the avoider–chaser dynamic.

We explore a three-step process for resetting relationships:

1. Reset Yourself — Prioritize self-care, sleep, nutrition, and emotional well-being.
2. Support Your Partner — Once grounded, help create a shared environment of healing.
3. Seek Quality Therapy — Invest in structured couples work, ideally with approaches like PACT, to repair and rebuild connection.

Along the way, we discuss how past trauma, unresolved hurts, and cultural conditioning affect intimacy—and how love can be reignited with commitment and care.

If you’ve wondered whether your relationship can recover, this episode offers both guidance and hope.

00:00:00 - Introduction to Relationship Questions

Exploring the common question: "Is it me or her?" and the context of relationship struggles.

00:01:44 - Understanding Well-Being Issues

Discussing the importance of individual well-being in relationships and the impact of physical health on emotional connection.

00:03:36 - Resetting Your Own Physiology

The necessity of personal responsibility and self-care as a foundation for relationship improvement.

00:08:38 - Assessing Your Partner's Well-Being

The importance of ensuring both partners are resourced and healthy before diving into relationship work.

00:09:12 - Engaging in Couples Therapy

Recommendations for finding effective couples therapy and the value of investing in quality support.

00:10:34 - The Cost of Therapy vs. Divorce

Highlighting the financial implications of therapy compared to the costs associated with divorce.

00:12:34 - Reigniting the Relationship Fire

Discussing the need to rekindle the emotional connection that initially brought partners together.

00:15:10 - Addressing Resentment and Hurt

Understanding how past wounds affect current relationship dynamics and the importance of healing.

00:18:04 - The Process of Repair

Outlining the steps necessary for repairing a relationship and the importance of expert guidance.

00:24:22 - Recap of the Three-Step Process

Summarizing the steps for resetting a relationship: individual reset, partner support, and couples work.

00:26:09 - Conclusion and Encouragement

Encouraging listeners to embrace the challenging yet rewarding journey of relationship improvement.

In this episode of The Crux, Luke and I dive into the real reasons why intimacy breaks down in long-term relationships — and what it takes to rebuild it.

We explore how boys are conditioned from an early age to suppress emotion, and how this wiring leads many men to disconnect from their feelings in adulthood. The result? A painful dynamic where partners are asking for connection, and men don’t know how to give it — or worse, feel shame for even wanting to try.

We talk through:

• How masculine and feminine nervous systems process emotion differently
• The quiet damage caused by emotional avoidance
• Why many men equate vulnerability with weakness
• What happens when men finally feel safe enough to open up — especially in the company of other men

You’ll also hear personal stories from our work, insights from group coaching, and practical takeaways for creating deeper connection — not just with your partner, but with yourself.

00:00:00 - Introduction to Relationship Dynamics

00:05:30 - Masculine vs. Feminine Nervous Systems

00:10:00 - Cultural Conditioning and Emotional Expression

00:15:00 - The Impact of Emotional Closure

00:20:00 - The Role of Vulnerability in Relationships

00:25:00 - Personal Stories and Social Wounds

00:30:00 - Finding Solutions and Embracing Vulnerability

00:35:00 - Conclusion and Call to Action

In this episode of The Crux, Ryan Ginn and Dr. Luke Adler explore how men can share vulnerability in relationships without triggering shame or defensiveness. Prompted by a recent course participant’s experience of feeling shamed after opening up, they discuss the importance of emotional responsibility, maintaining agency when sharing feelings, and avoiding emotional fusion.

Ryan shares a personal story of jealousy as his wife prepares for a retreat, modeling how to express vulnerability without projecting it. The conversation highlights how shaming responses can damage connection and stresses the need for mutual agreements that create emotional safety.

Drawing on insights from Stan Tatkin, they explore the link between safety, attraction, and compatibility, concluding that one partner’s conscious leadership can shift relationship dynamics. For more, visit beingmen.net.

00:00:00 - Introduction to Vulnerability in Relationships

00:00:22 - The Challenge of Sharing Vulnerability

00:01:17 - Understanding Threat Responses

00:02:44 - Fusing with Vulnerable Parts

00:04:18 - Personal Example: Jealousy and Vulnerability

00:08:28 - Finding the Middle Way

00:10:30 - The Importance of Emotional Expression

00:12:08 - Navigating Shaming Responses

00:14:12 - Establishing Non-Negotiables in Communication

00:16:05 - The Role of Safety in Relationships

00:17:23 - Confronting Unhealthy Dynamics

00:19:49 - The Power of One Partner's Awareness

00:22:12 - Leading with Consciousness

00:24:09 - Conclusion and Upcoming Programs

In this episode, Luke Adler and I explore the crucial skill of repair in relationships—one that can make or break long-term connection. Drawing from my experience with hundreds of couples, I break down how navigating conflict with vulnerability and empathy strengthens intimacy.

We discuss how to acknowledge your partner’s feelings without defensiveness, why conflict reveals deeper relationship needs, and how shifting from self-protection to attunement can transform moments of tension. I also share a personal story of struggling with defensiveness in my own marriage and what ultimately led to meaningful repair.

Effective repair is a learnable skill—and one we dive deep into in The Intimacy Blueprint. Tune in and start building a stronger, more connected partnership.

In this episode, we explore how men can effectively facilitate repair in their relationships, especially when they need it most. Luke Adler joins me to discuss how cultural conditioning discourages men from recognizing and expressing their needs—often leading to disconnection, resentment, or emotional outbursts.

Through personal stories, we highlight the importance of mutual accountability, the pitfalls of passive aggression, and the power of vulnerability in creating a culture of repair. We also discuss how men can navigate resistance when expressing their needs and build the relational skills necessary for deeper intimacy.

Join us as we challenge traditional masculinity and encourage men to embrace their emotions for stronger, healthier relationships. And if you want to dive deeper, The Intimacy Blueprint starts April 15th—learn more at beingmen.net!

00:00:00 - Introduction to Men's Needs in Relationships

00:01:22 - Cultural Conditioning and Vulnerability

00:02:50 - Personal Example: The Salt Shaker Incident

00:05:08 - The Importance of Mutual Accountability

00:05:49 - Passive Aggression and Unmet Needs

00:07:40 - Another Personal Example: The Potluck Experience

00:10:39 - Navigating Anger and Vulnerability

00:11:46 - Challenges in Vulnerability and Repair

00:12:55 - The Role of Trauma in Relationship Dynamics

00:15:27 - Creating a Culture of Repair

00:16:31 - Taking Turns in Repair Conversations

00:19:06 - The Importance of Time in Conflict Resolution

00:21:19 - Conclusion and Course Announcement

In this episode, Luke and I explore how political differences can create tension in romantic relationships—and how to navigate them with empathy. We discuss the challenges of fixed perspectives, power dynamics, and emotional reactions, sharing practical strategies for fostering understanding instead of conflict.

From setting ground rules to practicing "political empathy," we break down how to engage in tough conversations without sacrificing connection. Whether in your relationship, friendships, or family, these insights can help you build stronger, more respectful dialogues.

For more tools on deepening communication, check out our upcoming 6-week online course, The Intimacy Blueprint.

00:00:00 - Navigating Political Discussions in Relationships

00:02:00 - The Volatility of Political Conversations

00:05:20 - Power Dynamics in Relationships

00:07:10 - The Importance of Connection and Collaboration

00:09:00 - Real-Life Example: A Morning Conversation

00:12:00 - Establishing Intent in Discussions

00:13:30 - Suspending Beliefs for Understanding

00:14:15 - The Super Skill of Communication

00:18:00 - Choosing Connection Over Self-Righteousness

00:20:00 - The Challenge of Meeting Distress

00:22:00 - The Intimacy Blueprint: A Path to Relational Growth

00:25:00 - Moving Beyond Survival Reflexes

00:28:00 - The Effort of Empathy in Relationships

00:30:00 - Encouragement for Practicing New Skills

00:31:00 - Closing Remarks and Resources

In this episode, we delve into the often daunting world of couples therapy, particularly from the perspective of men who may feel apprehensive. We focus on how men can prepare for and benefit from the process and emphasize that effective therapy goes beyond communication; it requires thinking deeper about relationship dynamics and emotional safety. If you're new to understanding our perspective on long-term, committed relationships, we recommend reading "Wired for Love" or "In Each Other's Care" to build foundational knowledge.

We discuss the misconception that therapy is about identifying one partner as "the problem." Instead, we encourage viewing therapy as a chance to understand each other better, recognizing that both partners contribute to the relationship's challenges.

We also address the societal pressures that may make men hesitant to seek help, stressing the importance of finding a skilled therapist who fosters balanced dialogue. Men need to identify and express their personal needs in therapy, moving beyond surface complaints to deeper emotional requirements.

We highlight the importance of effective repair after conflicts, noting that men often struggle with over-explaining rather than simply acknowledging their partner's hurt. Emotional presence and empathy are crucial for building intimacy.

Educating yourself, approaching couple's therapy as a learning opportunity, and engaging in the emotional work necessary for healing are the key steps for getting the most from your couple's therapy work and building more intimacy in your partnership.

Thank you for listening, and please share this episode with anyone who might benefit! Good luck out there!

00:00:00 - Introduction to Couples Therapy Preparation

00:01:00 - Understanding the Need for Communication

00:02:00 - Reading Recommendations for Better Understanding

00:03:00 - Reframing Couples Therapy as a Learning Opportunity

00:04:00 - The Role of the Therapist: Not a Judge

00:05:00 - Men's Resistance to Therapy and Power Dynamics

00:06:00 - The Importance of Shared Responsibility in Relationships

00:07:00 - Expectations from Couples Therapy

00:08:00 - Identifying Personal Needs in the Relationship

00:09:00 - The Dangers of Not Expressing Needs

00:10:00 - The Importance of Effective Repair in Relationships

00:11:00 - Understanding Emotional Dynamics in Repair

00:12:00 - The Anatomy of Hurt and Its Impact

00:13:00 - The Process of Healing and Trust Restoration

00:14:00 - The Role of Empathy in Repairing Relationships

00:15:00 - Recap of Key Points for Couples Therapy Preparation

00:16:00 - Upcoming Programs and Resources for Men

00:17:00 - Conclusion and Call to Action

In this episode, I sit down with my co-host Luke to delve into a crucial topic that affects many men today: the struggle to feel competent and fulfilled in their primary relationships. We explore the foundational issues that often hinder men from engaging fully in their relationships, particularly the balance between work, self-care, and emotional presence.

We begin by discussing the common dynamic we observe—well-meaning men who work tirelessly to provide for their families, often at the expense of their own emotional and physical well-being. Luke articulates the internal conflict many men face: the fear that prioritizing their well-being will lead to a decrease in their ability to provide financially. This fear is deeply rooted in societal programming that equates a man's worth with his ability to provide.

As we navigate this conversation, we highlight the importance of shifting from a fight-or-flight response to a more relaxed, connected state. Luke shares his personal journey of confronting the fear that had gripped him for years, likening it to a frozen state that numbed his ability to feel exhaustion and ultimately led to burnout. He recounts how, through consistent work with other men and a supportive community, he began to thaw out emotionally, allowing him to reconnect with his true self and experience joy in a more embodied way.

We emphasize that many men may not even realize they are operating in a state of numbness, as it has become a normalized part of their identity. The conversation touches on the necessity of external support and brotherhood in helping men recognize and confront these layers of numbness and exhaustion.

Towards the end of the episode, we discuss practical steps men can take to improve their relationships, starting with self-care. Luke suggests simple yet effective actions, such as booking regular massages or seeking other forms of bodywork, to help men reconnect with their bodies and emotions. We stress that investing in self-care is not just a luxury but a necessity for fostering healthier relationships with partners and children.

Ultimately, this episode serves as an invitation for men to reflect on their own experiences and consider how they can begin to prioritize their well-being. By doing so, they can cultivate a deeper emotional presence that enriches their relationships and allows them to show up as more engaged partners and fathers. Join us as we unpack these vital themes and encourage a shift towards a more nourished and fulfilled life.

00:00:00 - Introduction to Men's Well-Being

00:01:30 - The Conflict Between Well-Being and Providing

00:03:30 - The Nervous System Dynamics

00:05:00 - Personal Journey of Awakening

00:06:30 - Fear as a Driving Force

00:08:00 - The Impact of Numbness on Life

00:10:00 - The Importance of Brotherhood and Support

00:12:00 - Emotional Availability in Relationships

00:14:00 - The Foundation of Relational Competence

00:16:00 - Resourcing Yourself for Connection

00:18:00 - The Male Nourishment Crisis

00:20:00 - Practical Steps for Self-Care

00:24:00 - Conclusion and Final Thoughts

In this episode, my guest, Luke Adler, and I, Ryan Ginn, challenge you to reflect on how the shadow of competence affects your relationships, especially as a man. We share personal stories—like a vulnerable moment I experienced with my partner, Eden, over household chores—and explore how fears of inadequacy can trigger defensiveness and hurt communication. Luke adds humor and insight with his own experiences navigating his wife Emily’s high standards for home management. Together, we unpack the cultural pressures of masculinity that fuel these fears and push you to consider how they might show up in your own life. We offer practical strategies for improving communication, recognizing emotional triggers, and embracing vulnerability as a way to foster deeper connections. We also highlight the power of men’s groups as supportive spaces where you can let go of societal expectations and grow in self-awareness. By facing your imperfections head-on, you can create stronger, more compassionate relationships with your loved ones and yourself.