The Divorced Woman's Guide Podcast

Does Divorce Make You Happier?

A question that I get asked all the time is, are you happier after divorce or, better yet, does divorce increase your chances of happiness? My experience tells how separation in itself is definitely a tedious, painstaking process. Regardless of whose choice it was or the reasons behind it, you do have the opportunity to create a better life after divorce. In this episode, we go deep into how to be happier after divorce.

Top points you'll discover: 

✔️ Women tend to be happier after divorce. Women are more likely than men to seek out support and community for the emotional trauma they are experiencing. Traditionally, men try to keep it close to the vest (not all, but most try to deal with things on their own with emotional upheaval.) So the amount of time they spend in suffering is prolonged, and therefore the time it takes to heal takes that much longer. 

✔️ Women seek out new experiences. Activities that enrich your life and gives you a sense of hope is an excellent way to cope. If you love attending women's retreats, I host one in October in Tucson at Miraval Arizona Resort. This is a splendid way to nurture ourselves with a fantastic community.

✔️ Women are more likely to prioritize their needs. Granted, many of us put other people first. But one of the things that I know to be true is that we do put our physical health and wellness at the forefront. And sometimes, we need a reminder around that. One of my saving graces, when I was dealing with the trauma of my divorce, was running. It helps my mind sort through where I was, what I was doing, and the right direction for me.

✔️ Women have a strong sense of perseverance. Our resilience demonstrates our ability to get things done. We moms tend to take on a lot of responsibility as it relates to the home and also as it relates to our kids. And I know that when I was presented with the opportunity to be single and raise my kids, it wasn't even a question of whether I can do it right? It was a question of what gets to happen, what is it going to look like? And I relished stepping into that role and taking it head-on. We always figure it out. 

✔️ Women can be comfortable in our skin being alone. When you understand that jumping into a new relationship is not the answer, what ends up happening is that you start dating yourself, rediscovering things you enjoy and are never allowed to explore. 

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Connect with Wendy Sterling:

Website: https://wendysterling.net/

Instagram: @divorcerehabwithwendy

Twitter: @thedivorcerehab

Facebook: @wendytsterling 

Need an opportunity to share your pain points and receive judgment-free support? Want to create a vision of a future after your divorce? Click here to schedule your Free Divorce Recovery Call: https://calendly.com/wendysterling/support-call-with-wendy?month=2021-07

Do you often find yourself coming back on Day 1? Are you tired of setting new goals and never taking off to achieve them? Do you get sick breaking the promises you make to yourself? We get you; this happens to so many of us. You will change your mind about food and your body in this episode as sought-after life, and weight loss coach Tanja Shaw shares the truths on what it takes to put together better habits that actually stick and finally achieve a long-term lifestyle of transformation.

Top points you'll discover: 

✔️  When we're fighting food and fighting ourselves, we're always going to lose. Tanja teaches her time-tested mind hacks so that you can spend your precious mental energy on loving life instead of being stuck in the cycle of disappointments and self-hate when it comes to your body and what you eat. 

✔️ Motivation is not a passive process. You don't sit down and wait for it to happen. Whether it's the number on the scale you never want to see or that scare from your doctor, these motivating factors will subside unless you keep painting the whole picture of what you want to be after the process. Focus on where you're going and how great it'd feel when you nurse your body well and make better choices. 

✔️  The five minutes of stretching you're going to do is better than the forty-five-minute walk you planned and didn't do. So we have to adopt this all-or-something mentality and ask ourselves, what can I squeeze in a busy and overwhelming day to take care of myself and make me feel proud?

✔️ Get clear on your big why? Yes, you want to be fit, vibrant, and healthy, but there's a measuring stick for that. On a day-to-day basis, get specific, get clear on what success looks like for you, and then make sure it's doable. You might learn after a couple of attempts what's workable and what's not. And then how can you make that habit easier for yourself? How can you make it simpler? How can you make it more fun to do?

✔️ Be honest with yourself. If you have done so many diets before, it can be tempting to go and do that next new best thing. However, you don't want to be held down by some diet plan, counting points or calories for the rest of your life and tracking everything you eat. Instead, keep focused on what works for you that is realistic, doable, and sustainable.

Connect with Tanja Shaw: 

Tanja Shaw is a sought-after life and weight loss coach, host of the Fit and Vibrant You Podcast, founder of Ascend Fitness + Lifestyle, a holistic health coaching studio in Chilli-wack (wack a mole), BC, and Fit + Vibrant Over 50. 

Tanja has built a credible reputation for helping 1000s of women get to their happy, healthy weight permanently, naturally, and without the obsession so that they can LIVE their life.

Tanja, her husband Keith, and their son Jacob live in Chilliwack, BC, about an hour outside of Vancouver, Canada. 

She loves being active outdoors, such as running, hiking, paddle boarding, mountain biking, and camping. She also loves a good cup of coffee and a glass of red wine.

Access your Free Gift from Tanja 🎁

For Women Over 50: Discover the 3 Steps that have Helped 100s of Women Achieve their Happy, Healthy Weight, Permanently and Naturally, Without the Obsession: www.fitvibrant50.com

Join the Fit + Vibrant Women Facebook Community! https://www.facebook.com/groups/fitvibrantcommunity

Connect with Wendy Sterling:

Website: https://wendysterling.net/
Instagram: @divorcerehabwithwendy
Twitter: @thedivorcerehab
Facebook: @wendytsterling 

Need an opportunity to share your pain points and receive judgment-free support? Want to create a vision of a future after your divorce? Click here to schedule your Free Divorce Recovery Call: https://calendly.com/wendysterling/15-minute-divorce-recovery-call

When do you know that you finally need to CUT the KNOT?

Lean in and discover the signs when divorce needs to be the right option. If these signals are prevalent in your marriage, the earlier you face this and accept it, the sooner you start your healing process and the better chances you have for a more amicable relationship. 

 I am not advocating BUT educating people to live their best lives, and that separation is a decision that each of you gets to make for ourselves. 

Top points you'll discover: 

✔️ What does happiness mean to you? Being in a marriage with somebody is an opportunity for you to create happiness as a couple. So ask yourself, do you wake up every morning being thankful that you are with this person? Do you come skipping through the door on your way home from work, and you cannot wait to be in this person's presence or to share with them about your day? 

✔️ Think about your interactions with your partner: Are more of them negatively charged than positive? Do you find that you are fighting and fighting unfairly? Do you find yourself raising your voice, not listening and just hoping to say things more negatively, hoping that you will be heard? 

✔️  Identify if good communication is happening in your relationship. Do you feel comfortable and trusting that whatever you want to talk about, you can do so in a safe place, that you can do so with somebody who's going to hear you? 

✔️ Finding ways to avoid each other.  Is there less communication, but a whole lot of Netflix, TV watching, or catching up with work that had to get done? 

✔️ Better off as roommates. A lack of intimacy doesn't just mean sex but the absence of true connection. If behind closed doors, your life looks very different, it's time to open crucial conversations.

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Connect with Wendy Sterling:

Website: https://wendysterling.net/

Instagram: @divorcerehabwithwendy

Twitter: @thedivorcerehab

Facebook: @wendytsterling 

Need an opportunity to share your pain points and receive judgment-free support? Want to create a vision of a future after your divorce? Click here to schedule your Free Divorce Recovery Call: https://calendly.com/wendysterling/support-call-with-wendy?month=2021-07

Have you ever thought about how YOU are the common denominator in all the relationships that didn't work in your life? Speaker and bestselling author Karen Stanley lifts the box lid and opens this idea to remind us how we must look inward and take the lessons from the pain and move on stronger from those exes in your life.

Key points in this episode: 

✔️ Know that no matter what hell you've gone through, you can experience lasting love—starting with yourself. Karen reminds us that we need to ask first: How do I respect myself? How do I trust myself? How do I love myself? Building your self worth first will allow you to attract someone who will love, cherish, trust and respect you.

✔️ Every single person who has been in your life teaches you something. If you focus on that, you can avoid making the same mistake with the next person and move forward. 

✔️ Self-esteem and confidence often take such a hit because we tend to play the comparison game with our former partners. So take notice when the negative self-talk starts coming in, and recognize when that voice is creeping in and learn how to combat it.  

✔️ Your personal evolution is beautiful as it is painful.  Reinforcing new beliefs in yourself doesn't happen overnight. It's a slow, tedious process. Give yourself grace and compassion, and you will get to the person, the partner and the life you want by choosing to take the first courageous steps. 

✔️ Your dreams are put into your heart because they're meant to be.  If you have trouble believing that what you want to create is impossible, start journaling and discover how the universe is showing you what resonates with you in your heart. Your past does not determine your future, and get clear and put down in writing what you desire.

Connect with Karen Stanley:

Karen Stanley is a marketing executive, professional speaker and author of the bestselling book Becoming Mrs Stanley. She is Amazon's #1 new release author and frequently speaks in self-improvement podcasts. 

Her life's experiences paved the way for Karen to help many others. Learn her story: 

"Hi, I'm Karen! I'm not a doctor or a psychologist. I was a single mom for a thousand years (OK, eight), and I finally attracted real love after divorce, bankruptcy, foreclosure and repossession of my car – while raising two kids alone.

After struggling with self-worth and attracting the wrong partner time and time again, I wondered if I could use similar strategies I used in business to create a plan to build self-worth — one with easy-to-implement, actionable steps. So I did, and IT WORKED. 

I believe no matter what hell we've gone through, we can experience lasting love—starting with ourselves."

Website: https://mrskarenstanley.com/
Instagram: @officialmrskarenstanley

Connect with Wendy Sterling:

Website: https://wendysterling.net/
Instagram: @divorcerehabwithwendy
Twitter: @thedivorcerehab
Facebook: @wendytsterling

Need an opportunity to share your pain points and receive judgment-free support? Want to create a vision of a future after your divorce? Click here to schedule your Free Divorce Recovery Call: https://calendly.com/wendysterling/15-minute-divorce-recovery-call

We were the perfect family that we were portraying to be on social media. Suddenly, it was that moment where I was lost and confused, asking what I was supposed to do when my marriage had to end. I've been with this man since I was 18 and I don't know life without him. 

While I was terrified and stayed in that mindset for probably longer than I wanted to, it wasn't until I discovered the world of coaching where I could start envisioning and stepping into the life that I wanted to create. I began to see my blank slate as an opportunity— to figure out who I am instead of thinking who I am through the lens of somebody else. It allowed me to step into my power of deciding to leave corporate America, something that I had wanted to do for so many years but needed somebody's blessing to be able to do so. 

All this time, my divorce was that kick in the butt that I needed to wake up and start becoming the woman I wanted to be instead of being who everybody else thought I should be. 

Top points you'll discover: 

✔️ Divorced at the age of 40: you can choose to look at it as a tragedy or an opportunity. Indeed it can be scary, but it can also be amazing that you get a redo of your life. When in discomfort, it means that growth is on the other side. Have an open mind about what is possible for you. 

✔️  Wake up and become the woman you want. As I look back: I was on autopilot, miserable, and sacrificed myself. I was a horrible communicator who wasn't ever really able to verbalize how I felt and what it was that I genuinely wanted. With my divorce, misfortune became my breakthrough. 

✔️ Remember, age is just a number. If you allow it to dictate what you can and can't do and associate it with being "too late", then guess what? You're going to create that for yourself. 

✔️ Embrace the blank slate and pick the colors that you want your life's picture to be. It's time to stop asking permission and define for yourself what it means to be happy, carefree, and peaceful. Breed love into your home, and people will see what happiness indeed looks like on your face.

✔️  Life after marriage is something that you decide to create for yourself. If you have to get rid of your home, perhaps you have to move into a new place; it can be scary. But remember, you are home for yourself and your kids; it's not the space itself. 

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Connect with Wendy Sterling:

Website: https://wendysterling.net/

Instagram: @divorcerehabwithwendy

Twitter: @thedivorcerehab

Facebook: @wendytsterling 

Need an opportunity to share your pain points and receive judgment-free support? Want to create a vision of a future after your divorce? Click here to schedule your Free Divorce Recovery Call: https://calendly.com/wendysterling/support-call-with-wendy?month=2021-07

Divorce is complex and traumatic to all parties involved, especially for the children. Co-parenting adds a whole other layer of challenges, especially when behavioral problems arise in children and you're not on the same page with your ex. 

In this episode, I share the screen and engage in valuable conversation with Kimball Lewis, the CEO of EmpoweringParents.com. Lewis shares timeless and practical parenting advice to help parents manage the most challenging child behavior problems. 

Key points in this episode: 

✔️ Kids who act out have difficulty in problem-solving. Lewis cites these are emotional troubles dealing with frustration, anger, and issues that kids don't necessarily understand why they act out as a result. In addition, they may have functional problems and have a hard time meeting responsibilities like getting up and going to school or putting the video game down.  

✔️ Blaming your co-parent for your child's behavior doesn't do your child any good. Children see themselves as an extension of both parents. So when you're blaming the other parent, you're essentially creating more issues with your kids instead of treating them as an individual.

✔️ Put accountability on your child, and they'll have a much better chance of improving. Lewis shares, "you're not responsible for your child's behavior. Your child is. If you want to keep the accountability on your child, what you're responsible for is your response to it. There are effective and ineffective responses, but don't consider the child's behavior as your fault. The child needs to be held accountable, and that's how they're going to learn to behave better."

✔️ Stop participating in an argument with your child. When your child's arguing against your rules, and you've explained yourself once, you don't have to have that argument any longer. You can say, "look, these are the rules you need to comply with, or else there will be consequences tomorrow. We can sit down for 20 minutes, and we can talk about it. We'll schedule it out." 

✔️  Applying consequence is not a punishment. Instead, you're helping to train and teach your child how to behave and solve problems appropriately. Although it may not work the first time, you're going to have to keep applying these things, so if you use a consequence and then the child does it again the next day, it doesn't mean that it's not working. You have to keep applying it right. 

✔️ Don't take their behavior personally.  Lewis reminds this even when they swear at you because they're not solving the problems effectively, and you end up being the recipient of it. For example, they could be repeating something that the other spouse told them that they should and have no business knowing, and they'll use it against you to solve their problem, which is to get out of responsibility or out of frustration. So you can't take it personally, and you have to view it as a behavior problem.

✔️ EmpoweringParents.com provides a total transformation program called "Two Parents, One Plan" that serves as an instruction manual to help separated parents deal with defiant kids.

Connect with Kimball Lewis:

Kimball Lewis is the CEO of EmpoweringParents.com, the leading provider of parenting and coaching programs for parents struggling with severe defiance, constant arguing, and other behavior problems in children ages 5 to 25. This company is the home of James Lehman's The Total Transformation® child behavior program, used by over 500,000 families worldwide. Their objective is to put the knowledge of America's most respected psychologists and therapists in the hands of parents to give them not just the theory but emphasizing the "how-to" as a practical roadmap to achieve a better family life.

Connect with Wendy Sterling:

Website: https://wendysterling.net/
Instagram: @divorcerehabwithwendy
Twitter: @thedivorcerehab
Facebook: @wendytsterling 

For the first 40 years of my life, I believed that I could change other people because I'm Wonder Woman. And lo and behold, it took my divorce and feeling betrayed to learn that all the love in the world was not enough to change him. 

Reframe what it means to go through betrayal and discover how the person you want the most can be the person that you are your best without — because the people who come into your life don't mean that they're meant to stay.

Top points you'll discover: 

✔️ The person you look at every day in the mirror is YOU. You don't have to wait to be in a romantic relationship to feel in love or wait for someone to start enjoying your life, do that starting today. 

✔️  Stop wasting your valuable time trying to change another person because all you're doing is fighting an uphill battle or swimming upstream. How much energy are you selling to somebody who is not willing to receive it?

✔️ Remember the movie Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger, "You complete me." In the film, I bet you also had a teardrop-falling moment right there. And yet, the truth is, even in the absence of another person or a relationship, you are whole. People come into our lives to complement us, NOT complete us, to make us feel loved, or to make us feel validated.

✔️  A conscious and equal partnership is rooted in acceptance. If you feel the need to change somebody else, that person probably isn't the right person for you. A conscious and equal partnership is rooted in accepting one another, which doesn't mean that you have to be something you're not or that you have to change someone to be what you want them to be.

✔️ It can be quite challenging to understand, but things happen FOR us. Know that the right person will come for you, someone who is willing to shower you with love without you having to ask for it! Trust the universe to open and close all the doors that are meant to be opened and closed. Things happen for you to prepare for what's next and a much bigger plan to fulfill your purpose. 

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Connect with Wendy Sterling:

Website: https://wendysterling.net/

Instagram: @divorcerehabwithwendy

Twitter: @thedivorcerehab

Facebook: @wendytsterling 

Need an opportunity to share your pain points and receive judgment-free support? Want to create a vision of a future after your divorce? Click here to schedule your Free Divorce Recovery Call: https://calendly.com/wendysterling/support-call-with-wendy?month=2021-07

For so many of us who went through a divorce, love is something that we dream of finding again. In this episode, Dr. Holly Battey, a dating expert, matchmaker, and coach, reminds us that, after all, love is still in the cards.

Tune in as we talk about what it means to balance being selective and not being selective enough with your next relationship, what to look for and how to vet a potential soulmate, and how your future can be very different from your past.

Key points in this episode: 

✔️ To manifest a soulmate, you have to be your radiant best self. Finding new love requires that you have entirely accepted yourself and are willing and ready to show up differently this time. Regardless of who else is in your life or not, how you feel about yourself matters more than anything else. 

✔️ Divorce was not a failed relationship when you learned the lesson. The experience can be painful and devastating, but looking at what worked and what didn't work in your significant relationships allows you to become better moving forward.

✔️ A scarcity mentality tells you to take the next best man instead of the RIGHT man. So many have experienced dating "Mr. Right Now" as opposed to "Mr. Right." And for men, there's "Ms. Right Now" instead of "Ms. Right." 

✔️ The number one reason that you can't find your soulmate is that you settle. So if you truly want a long-term relationship or marriage, don't choose someone who isn't a good fit; know what to look for and be intentional about it. Know the balance between being too selective & not selective enough. You have far more power than you know in dating.

✔️ Be willing to teach men how to treat you. It doesn't have to be as complicated if you start communicating what you want and need. Men are not mind-readers, but they care. Hence, you must learn how to speak your mind and speak it authentically. Does your partner show up differently, or does he keep doing the same thing? Doing your part will leave you no regrets whether he'll rise to the occasion or not.

✔️When do you know that your love is right? When your heart, your head, and your gut are all aligned. You will come to terms that you will feel the way that you want to feel. So many people ignore how they're truly feeling out of fear of rejection or fear of not being what they want instead of setting the bar higher. So paying attention to that is vital. 

Connect with Holly Battey:

Dr. Holly Battey has a doctorate in clinical psychology and is hailed as a dating expert, matchmaker, coach, and image consultant for over 8 years. 

She founded Find Love At Last in 2014 to help women and men find lasting love. An inspiring speaker, she empowers, advises, and speaks on image, strategy, online dating, partner suitability, communication, and commitment. 

With a successful career in executive search, she helps sincere, kind-hearted, conscious single clients find the love of their dreams. 

Website: www.findloveatlast.com

Connect with Wendy Sterling:

Website: https://wendysterling.net/
Instagram: @divorcerehabwithwendy
Twitter: @thedivorcerehab
Facebook: @wendytsterling

Need an opportunity to share your pain points and receive judgment-free support? Want to create a vision of a future after your divorce? Click here to schedule your Free Divorce Recovery Call: https://calendly.com/wendysterling/15-minute-divorce-recovery-call

Betrayal: Just hearing or reading this eight-letter word conjures up quite many emotions and beliefs within each of us. This is one of the deepest hurts that we can experience as it hits us right at the core of our ability to love and trust again. 

Those of us going through the end of a relationship and having experienced deception can understand how bitterness and hurt can feel in a completely new way. Often in the aftermath of separation and living through the broken vows, we are left doubting the person who betrayed us and also questioning ourselves.

In this episode, I cover the biggest lessons learned from my healing journey and how I started seeing my divorce and betrayal as a gift and as a silver lining. 

Top points you'll discover: 

✔️  The truth is we created every event, every action, and every circumstance that happened in our lives — including the betrayal. We took part in the outcome just as much as our spouse did. Every choice we make carries a consequence that leads to all of the painful experiences.

✔️  Betrayal can teach you to take responsibility for your own life. Now, what does that mean? It can be hard to accept, even utter those words, or to consider it a possibility. But the sooner you understand it, the sooner you begin the healing process of your heart. And I learned that everything we experience, the good, the bad, and the ugly, are created by us. 

✔️  The universe will use any means necessary to get our attention. It is often through painful experiences that we awaken, and our former partners reflect the things hidden in the depths of our soul to reveal the things we need to see. 

✔️  Instead of seeing your ex as the villain, understand their integral role in your story. Their part was to hold the mirror for you to see your deepest wounds and beliefs and bring out all the things you had to address and heal. 

✔️ Like how a diamond's raw beauty is formed from intense heat and pressure; painful happenings can also be life's greatest blessings in disguise that will transform and empower us to achieve our ultimate purpose.

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Need an opportunity to share your pain points and receive judgment-free support? Want to create a vision of a future after your divorce? Click here to schedule your Free Divorce Recovery Call: https://calendly.com/wendysterling/support-call-with-wendy?month=2021-07

More often than not, when people hear the word "litigation," they think of battle, war, or fighting. In this episode, I share the screen with divorce and family law attorney Evan Schein sharing his insights about the stigma around divorce litigation and how it isn't the horror stories we all read about and see on TV. 

Understand why often litigation becomes necessary and how so many cases would not have settled if a judge or the court personnel wouldn't have been involved. Learn the bright sides that aren't spoken about enough, how litigation becomes necessary, and possibly have a peaceful outcome. 

Key points in this episode: 

✔️ Reframe your mind from associating litigation being knock-down, drag-out divorce portrayed in the news or movies. Evan reminds us that it's absolutely not often the case. Litigation for many people brings structure, clarity, and accountability to a divorce process since dates and deadlines are established. A judge oversees the process, and many times, litigation often helps quickly accomplish cases settled either on the courthouse steps or in the middle of a first proceeding or shortly after that.

✔️ Consider the judge as a partner in coming up with a fair resolution. The judge spends time and effort working with you, your counsel, and the opposing side in every case to help settle what wouldn't be reached if you never went to court. Judges want nothing more than to help people transition and move forward. 

✔️  Unless you have that team and the right people in place — divorce is overwhelming. So instead, get experts and people who have your best interests in mind to provide you with the information you need to make the best rational decision for your future.

✔️ Educate yourself at the beginning of the process and do your due diligence. Please do your research and talk to professionals to support yourself as you go through the divorce process regarding questions or things to ask and consider your goals and what's most important to you on the financial side.

✔️ The more you can come to an agreement with your spouse, the better and less expensive it is. Next, try to have a conversation with your spouse about your kids. Making the decisions with your children in the center is how you ultimately create the most peace in the divorce process.

Connect with Evan Schein:

Evan Schein is a New York City-based divorce and family law attorney, partner, and the Head of Litigation at Berkman Bottger Newman & Schein LLP. 

During his career, he has litigated high-conflict custody cases and complex financial matters. 

He has helped clients find post-divorce happiness, build successful financial lives, advocate to protect children, and fight for the rights of victims of domestic violence. 

Evan is the host of the Schein On Podcast, where he talks about marriage, money, and divorce.

Need an opportunity to share your pain points and receive judgment-free support? Want to create a vision of a future after your divorce? Click here to schedule your Free Divorce Recovery Call: https://calendly.com/wendysterling/15-minute-divorce-recovery-call