The Divorced Woman's Guide Podcast

You ASK, Wendy Answers! 

Question: How do you remind yourself to stop focusing on the past and putting energy into your new story? 

We grew up with family, friends, and other people who helped us create many stories that we now continuously have on repeat in our minds. They have become truths that we revert to for a long time. Staying in the past can hurt us, and it is up to us to squash the negative things we have let ourselves believe that no longer serve us. 

Top points you'll discover: 

✔️ Pay attention to your physical body. From a happy place, all of a sudden, you feel a twinge of jealousy, frustration, anger, resentment, or fear of abandonment coming in. That's the moment you realize that your thoughts are evoking a reaction in your body from the language that is coming up inside of your head. Become more watchful as they happen so that you will be more in control.

✔️  Be mindful of what your thoughts are. Only you have the power to help yourself move on and build a life that you love after going through separation or divorce. The first most crucial step is being mindful of how you are speaking to yourself. Your self-talk can either help you or stall you from going forward. Take the time to notice your thoughts and the negative stories still on replay inside your mind. 

✔️ Ask yourself, "Is this true?" Dispute your self-talk and challenge the negative thoughts that are taking space in your mental real estate. You can choose to respond and ask yourself, "Is this actually true, or is this just something I've always assumed?" 

✔️  Recognize that voice is not you. That inner negative voice within you is trying to keep you rooted in the safety of your old story. You are no longer your failures and mistakes; it's time to separate the past from what is new. 

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Need an opportunity to share your pain points and receive judgment-free support? Want to create a vision of a future after your divorce? Click here to schedule your Free Divorce Recovery Call: https://calendly.com/wendysterling/15...

If you are contemplating going for divorce or currently going through the process, who are the right players that you need to assemble and have on your side? In this episode, Top Lawyer in Family Law, Matrimonial, Arbitration, and Mediation, Eric Broder joins us to share valuable inputs on where to start and identify who and when to get certain professionals involved in the process — whether that be before, during, and after your divorce. 

Key points in this episode: 

✔️ Eric posits that early on, it is necessary to get a therapist or a divorced coach, "we are not as qualified as a therapist who can get to know you in an entirely different manner and be with you when the case is over." Lawyers most often can focus on the legal side and are not fully qualified to assist you in dealing with the emotional and psychological aspects.

✔️ Be careful who you listen to. Friends and people close to you should be supportive and encouraging during the process. However, should your friends tell you about their case, or the people they know may confuse you. Remember, every case is different, and you must focus more on yours and talk to the professionals.

✔️ Remember that while a divorce is personal, it is also a business transaction. Eric shares that clients who had their cases move the fastest are the ones that decide rationally and treat it like a business transaction. "In 80 -90% of our cases, people figure out what to do with their kids and don't have many issues."

✔️You may need a real estate appraiser to come in. Many states don't recognize what a real estate broker values a house; if you cannot agree on the value of a house with your spouse, you may need a certified real estate appraiser.

✔️ Seek the guidance of parenting coordinators. They can be your fallback and prevent everyone from going to court and resolving new issues. It's much more expensive to go to court and pay your lawyers than it is to see an excellent therapist or social worker. 

✔️ Other experts you may have to bring in are a business evaluator, a forensic accountant, a financial planner, and trust and estate lawyer in the three stages of the divorce process. They will help you make sound decisions and save you from spending higher costs in the future.

Connect with Eric Broder:

Eric Broder is a co-founding member and partner at Broder Orland Murray & DeMattie LLC. 

He is an AV Preeminent rated attorney by Martindale Hubbell®, the highest possible rating in both legal ability and ethical standards, earned through a strenuous peer and judicial review procedure. 

He has also been designated a "Top Lawyer" in Family Law, Matrimonial, Arbitration, and Mediation in Westport, Greenwich, New Canaan/Darien, and Fairfield Magazines. 

Eric has been selected as a Connecticut Super Lawyers® in Family Law each year from 2013 to 2020. Each year no more than 5% of the lawyers in the state are selected to receive this honor. 

Connect with Wendy Sterling:

Website: https://wendysterling.net/
Instagram: @divorcerehabwithwendy
Twitter: @thedivorcerehab
Facebook: @wendytsterling 

Need an opportunity to share your pain points and receive judgment-free support? Want to create a vision of a future after your divorce? Click here to schedule your Free Divorce Recovery Call: https://calendly.com/wendysterling/15-minute-divorce-recovery-call

Co-parenting with a difficult ex can be incredibly frustrating and draining. Everything from deciding where your child will attend school, to what is an appropriate bedtime, to if their clothes match can be an uphill battle. Unfortunately, when you share custody of your children with your ex, you need to maintain communication with them, (avoiding will ultimately not help you or your child).

What can you do? Set boundaries!  Setting boundaries will help to limit your frustration and, ultimately, only benefit your child’s future.  In this episode, I will share 5 Tips to make co-parenting easier by sharing boundaries you get to start setting today!

Need to learn to set better boundaries? Join me beginning July 7th for BOUNDARIES 101 WORKSHOP. Learn more here!

Are you bracing yourself for a traumatic divorce and unsure where to start? The truth is, you have more control over the divorce experience than you think.

Credentialed mediator and divorce coach Paulette Rigo was inspired by her own relationship experience to find a way to help her clients stay in control and out of court throughout the divorce process.

Listen in as Paulette and I discuss the common mistakes women make during divorce and how they can make better decisions by surrounding themselves with the right kind of support. We’ll also explore Paulette’s Better Divorce Blueprint and how she’s helping women overcome fears, handle trauma, and align with the right professionals to create an empowering and safe experience.

• (9:57) Learn what happens when we trust our spouse to “do the right thing” when it comes to finances
  • Paulette shares the impact of placing too much trust in our partners to make financial decisions when it comes to the divorce process
• (12:19) Know how to transition when your attorney isn’t a good fit
  • The legal process of divorce can be overwhelming. Find out Paulette’s advice for bringing in a new person to your legal team if your current attorney isn’t working out.
• (14:17) Identify the seven different types of abuse
  • Understand the warning signs of abuse and how those experiences can impact your legal case and your life after the papers are filed.

GUEST BIO:

PAULETTE RIGO is a Credentialed Mediator, (CDC) Certified Divorce Coach, Trauma-Informed Recovery Coach, Career Transition Specialist, Book Writing Coach, Speaker, Host and Author.

Her new soon to release "Better Divorce Blueprint" the Book, Planner, Course and No Matter What card deck, Thriving in Chaos Project Podcast, Best Life Ever Private Island Retreats and Better Divorce Academy are tools she created and utilizes to help her clients create an optimal divorce experience and the new life chapter they deserve and desire.

It is Paulette’s personal 8.5 year litigated and appellant experience and expertise that makes her so skilled in allowing her clients to stay in control, stay out of court (if possible) maintain their dignity, create the right team of professionals from the early stage of contemplation to the necessary final steps of healing using practical tools, inspiration and a proven wellness model.

WEBSITE:

https://betterdivorceacademy.com/

UPCOMING WORKSHOP BEGINNING JULY 7TH!

BOUNDARIES 101

One of the few boundaries that we recognize setting is the ones with our children. And as any parent knows it is in our children's DNA to poke and test us repeatedly. They continue to push our limits and the upside to this behavior is that it enables them to learn boundaries. It is a really important skill for our children to learn because it helps teach them independence and ultimately one day to start thinking for themselves. In this week's episode, I will share the 3 reasons why our children need boundaries and to know (and respect) who the boss is.

In this episode, you'll learn how childhood trauma impacts our ability to engage with people and how it holds us back from truly having the life and love that we dream of. Riana shares 10 childhood traumas that sabotage us in life, love, relationships, and business

GUEST BIO: Riana Milne MA is a Certified, Global Life & Trauma Recovery Coach, a Certified Clinical Trauma Addictions Professional & a Certified Mindfulness Coach. She is also the host of her podcast, Lessons in Life & Love, and a Licensed Mental Health Counsellor.

Riana is the author of 'Love Beyond Your Dreams - Break Free from Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve is available from Amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/Riana-Milne/e/B00J7CCT3I%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share

Website: https://RianaMilne.com

Podcast: https://LessoninLifeandLove.com Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/RianaMilne

[00:11:48] Right? Okay. So here's the first one. Your caretakers are mom and dad. Did they have any addiction? Now? I'm an addiction specialist. So I name addictions that maybe people haven't thought of, but there's drugs and alcohol sex, meaning you knew your parent was cheating, but you couldn't tell anyone porn, gambling, hoarding spending.

[00:12:11] Eating gaming TV, watching workaholism. And now I've added social media addiction. You're on the computers all the time. Ignoring your child. Okay. So that's addiction. Number two is verbal abuse. Now you could have watched them. Mommy they're fighting and yelling. They could have been yelling at you quite a bit in the household.

[00:12:34] It also includes verbal slights or put downs, like change that outfit. You look fat in that, you know, something like that, or never hearing compliments like way to go kiddo on proud of you or even hearing the words I love you. So verbal is quite important as we go through the other, uh, outcomes. Number three is emotional abuse or neglect.

[00:12:59] Number four is physical abuse, rape or molestation, and these could have happened inside or outside of the home. So you can add a perfect home life, but you go for school and you got beat up every day, going to school. That's an issue. Okay. The next one is a pretty important one too. That's based around the abandonment and I identify faults and no faults abandonment.

[00:13:22] So I know false abandonment would be if a parent happened to die early. If they go, went off to war or, and believe me, we working in the schools as a trauma counselor, my little elementary kids who are we're just so blanked out, they couldn't study, they couldn't learn. Cause they're just so worried is my mom and dad going to come home alive.

[00:13:42] So military kids have a lot of trauma ongoing in their mindset. Um, it also could be a parent that travels a lot. Um, and that's how they supported the family. And I could identify with that when I'm like, oh my gosh. I remember now asking my mom as a little [00:14:00] kid. Where's dad and when's he coming home? And my mom would never know much later in life.

[00:14:05] We found out my dad was CIA FBI. You can't tell your family where you are and what you're doing. But as for a child that was very unnerving because I was very close to my dad. I was always wondering if he's okay, but that's how he supported the family. Okay. So that's a no fault, a fault abandonment. It would be never being in the child's life, being in the child's life until the couple stays together.

[00:14:28] When. Because it breaks up. They're pretty much gone and they're gone emotionally and physically. And the third one is that parent may be still in their house, but emotionally they're absent. So they're not spending time with a child. They don't go there. Athletic games or art shows. They're just not stepping up.

[00:14:46] They're just not that involved or concerned with the kids. So that's an emotionally checking out. Okay. The next one is being part of adoption, being adopted part of the foster care system. Or needed to [00:15:00] live in another person's home because your parents couldn't keep you at that house. They lost their house.

[00:15:05] They couldn't afford to have you with them. Okay. Trauma number seven is one of the ones that people recognize the most. We call this personal trauma that when I could identify, it's like, yes, I was skinny and gawky and I was teased in middle school horribly. Okay. So anywhere you felt different, you could have been an overweight and chubby child called the nerd.

[00:15:29] Um, You could have had a medical issue like asthma. So you had to walk around with a inhaler and you couldn't go to the sports and sit down with Jim. You could have been identifying as LGBTQ and you were afraid to say anything or people teased you because you were different. It could have been racial.

[00:15:46] You might've been an African-American and a primarily all white school and they just didn't accept. You didn't feel the same. So there could be so many different things wrapped around trauma. Number seven, you just didn't feel good enough fit in or feel [00:16:00] worthy for some reason. Trauma number eight is sibling trauma.

[00:16:04] Most often this one is when you identify your sibling as being the golden child, they were favored. For some reason, they could have been more handsome or beautiful, the athletic star, uh, the better student, um, or they could have bullied. You. And another reason is I could have been born with the medical issue that commanded more of moms and dads time.

[00:16:27] And they were with them more than you. And you felt slighted now, trauma number nine. This is one that everyone can relate to today. So this is one of your 10 going on right now. It's called community trauma and under community trauma is our reactions to COVID. Okay. This is a packing everyone around the world.

[00:16:46] Think about our little people that can't go to school, have to wear mask can play with friends. Don't know if their mom and dad are going to get sick. Are they going to die? You know, all these frightening. Things traumatic [00:17:00] statements on the news, um, that are impacting us every day. So whether an adult or a child, we're all going through this community trauma.

[00:17:09] Now, other community traumas are floods, fires, mudslides. Uh, our mass shootings are school shootings. A tack on our Capitol. I mean, us watching that in America was like, oh my God, are we serious right now? This is happening in our world and our country. So anything affecting the community and this is getting worse and worse and worse as time goes on.

[00:17:34] I'm a baby boomer. So when I was growing up, we barely had community trauma. It was in the later list because there are more than 10 traumas. But I had to bring it down to trauma. Number nine, now trauma. The other part of trauma number nine is family trauma. So now let's think of all the families impacted by people being laid off stores and businesses.

[00:17:53] Closing no income kids afraid if they're going to have. Or the, the [00:18:00] bill, you know, the lights are going out off or they don't have heat or air conditioning. All these are happening today. Right? Other family traumas, living in a dangerous neighborhood. You're afraid of that. The military families move every two to four years that puts the child in a new school every time.

[00:18:18] Uh, if you have an incarcerated parent, So there's a lot around the family trauma piece, lack, monetary lack, and that went impacts a lot of people in business decisions. If they've come from that statements of lack. And then in trauma, number 10 is any mental health issues in mom or debt. Now, baby boomers, we often did not see our parents going to counseling.

[00:18:43] It rarely existed. So we kind of have to guess. The two most difficult mental health is, um, bipolar and borderline personality disorder is, are the toughest for children to negotiate. So borderline [00:19:00] I describe it as fast trigger anger. You never know what you're going to get when they're bad, they're really horrid, but then they have really good moods too.

[00:19:09] So the moodiness is all over the place and it keeps a child in a very anxious state. Bipolar is the other one, which is manic depressive. Depression shows up as extreme exhaustion, um, checking out emotionally or even anger when you're depressed and a manager. Face could be a gambling spree, eating binge spending spree when you don't have money.

[00:19:33] Um, and then that adds to all the anxiety around watching these manic behaviors. And even as a child, you know, like why is she buying that we don't even have money to eat? You know? So is

[00:19:48] WENDY: [00:19:48] alcohol a part of that too, with the manic side of depression?

[00:19:51] RIANA: [00:19:51] Well, any type of addiction, compulsion acting out, but that usually would go under trauma.

[00:19:57] Number one, if there's addiction in the house. Yeah.

00:20:00] WENDY: fascinating. I like as you're going through and I'm sure everybody listening too. I'm like, is that one me? Is that one me? Oh, that one's me. Okay. That one's me. That's right. So, so talk to me a little bit about like, people obviously were just going through the exercise that I just went through.

So once we've identified, which of the top 10 traumas we've experienced? Then what

[00:20:25] RIANA: then what? Well, if they are, my clients are coming to me for a discovery session, I do that in one hour. I give them four assessments, five assessments, actually, we go through all of them and then I look at the severity levels.

[00:20:38] Well, do you remember getting punished with about. Weiss. And that was pretty bad. What number would you give that one to 10? Well, they might say maybe a four, you know, and then there's other people that say, why come home every day to a beading and that's a 10. So we have to do the severity levels of where they felt they feel on that scale.

[00:20:58] And then once we got that, now we go into, if they signed up to coach with me, we start with healing, the trauma first. Creating that life dream that they have, like, what do you want in your life? And let's get rid of the trauma. That's holding you back, keeping you stuck in fear, negativity, self doubts, raise your self esteem, raise your confidence, give you the mindset for success tools.

[00:21:24] And when we've got all that for my singles, when they're feeling really great about who they are. They are the life they want. They cleaned up any financial, legal problems. They've got a good relationship with their kids. Their kids aren't angry anymore. We work with all of that. Then they get the dating and love piece.

[00:21:41] What does the emotionally healthy, evolved and conscious relationship look like? And part of it is really understanding the 10 traumas in themselves and in another. So just even on your first or second date, my clients have like 25 questions that does he just casually ask. Okay. And they know, yes, this person is healed or this person by good luck and God bless.

[00:22:04] I'm moving on to the next one. So you learn to identify early, what's emotionally healthy and what's not. And why the why's the most important part. Um, but you should know how this plays out. Like what are the characteristics that come up, right. If you had this or you see this in your X, so those are that you that are divorced and moving on from that look.

[00:22:28] That the singer X and see how many of these they had. Okay. So one is lying and manipulation. Where'd that come from? Let's take a little boy that had a very strict, angry punishing father, and this kid was supposed to get all A's and B's and he came home with a. F on his report card. He tried to change it to an a, because they had avid sign.

[00:22:49] It's like, oh my God, that works. So he learns to become an expert liar and manipulator because otherwise, if he didn't, he would've gotten beat for childhood things that kids do. Right. And these parents want their kids to be perfect. And if they don't, they get beat. So they learn lying as a survival tool.

[00:23:10] Right. It's a coping mechanism. Okay. Let's talk about jealousy and control that when comes, if you had trauma number seven and trauma number two, which were those verbal messages that were punishing or put downs, leaving you, not feeling worthy enough, pretty enough, handsome enough, whatever. And you're jealous because you think that partner who's so great is going to go after someone else, even though he's doing all the right things consciously he's okay.

[00:23:39] Calling you and he's texting you and he says, he loves you. All those things are great, but you still have this underlying fear that there's going to be somebody else. Okay. Let's talk about men who cheat. Why are they cheap? They usually looking for adoration. They go to had a bad relationship with their mom, also trauma number seven, trauma, number two, they didn't feel good enough.

[00:24:03] They might've been a chubby kid. Some know like them now that they grew into the man and they're kind of handsome. They want women to adore them. Now I see a lot of dynamic. I get a lot of women successful in business, but struggle in love. And this one happens a lot. They might go for that charm, enhance some guy, but is not on her success level.

[00:24:25] And initially these relationships they're very attentive. They're loving, they'll do anything for you. And then four months to nine months in the research shows, as soon as things start getting serious. Is going to start controlling you or asking you to make love. And he's like, well, I got an eight o'clock meeting.

[00:24:43] I can't be late. Oh, come on, come on. And they try to convince you. And you know, so they're starting little by little to whittle away at your power and control that you have for yourself and in the workplace. Just to step up. I mean, if you ladies have seen dirty John or, and if you haven't, you should see it on Netflix.

[00:25:02] It is the classic example of someone with childhood trauma who became a sociopath and what sociopath's do. And he actually became psychopathic in the end. And the differences are psychopath is a sociopath, um, and narcissists who kills. A sociopath is someone who uses someone for pleasure or profit and lifestyle.

[00:25:25] So if you are earning more than that, man, and initially they seem like the great partner. You could be better. Be careful if they're an underlaying, if they're not as successful as you, they could be sociopathic and wanting your life and trying to do everything to win your love and attention. But these are probably going to be toxic over time.

[00:25:46] So you have to be super careful on that. Um, so that's where jealousy and control comes from. And sociopathy people pleasing is something a lot of women do. They let's take a [00:26:00] woman that had a difficult mom, let's say she was an alcoholic. So she, as the older sister used to get the siblings ready for school and out to the bus stop and do all the morning chores instead of the mom, because the mom was hung over and was grouchy and angry in the morning.

[00:26:15] So she overdid and she learned if she did that, she received love back. And compliments, thanks Han for taking care of the kids or whatever. Um, so she learned this as a coping mechanism. It became normalized. And then I see these couples later, whether a woman says I don't get it. I do everything for him and my kids.

[00:26:36] And nobody shows me the kind of love and respect that I give to them. And their boundaries are so stretched doing, doing, doing to get love back. Right. And again, this is all unconscious. It all comes from, you know, uh, these behaviors that became so normalized abandonment issues. If you have abandonment issues in your life, this is where we see love addiction, [00:27:00] codependency.

[00:27:01] And the repetitive breakups cycle of toxic people and the research shows if you're in a toxic relationship and toxic attracts toxic, okay. That's how they get together. Then, um, they go back and forth, breaking up, making up over and over again, seven times until the healthier partner says I can't stand this anymore.

[00:27:25] This is ridiculous. You know, the person sway heirs are got changed. They changed it's usually 10 days is the average. The things are good. And then it gets stocks like again, and we call that the cycle of abuse or cycle of toxic relationships. Um, perfectionism by the way, I mean, yeah, isn't it perfectionism wanting your partner to be perfect.

[00:27:50] Um, these are the guys that want that perfect woman by their side. Even if they're not, they want that size for a woman with a per perfect skin and [00:28:00] hair and dress. And why? Because they got no attention as kids. So they're using again, that woman to be the it couple. And, you know, God forbid you go up a dress size.

[00:28:11] They're all over you. But the controlling and jealous man will change the way you dress. Right? So none of them are good, a blaming behavior. They never take responsibility. It's always your fault or not willing to talk to you. Passive aggressive behavior. Where's that come from? In other words, they shut down.

[00:28:30] They won't talk through an issue. There'll be mad at you and put you into the silent treatment for two days. Um, that comes. From they learned as a kid. If I speak up and say, what's on my mind or my feelings about it, I'm going to get whacked across the face. So they totally shut down. That is their coping skill.

[00:28:49] Right? So these men have a hard time, uh, talking about their feelings. So there's so many, those are just a few

[00:28:58] WENDY: I literally could sit here and listen to you all day. I, this is so fascinating because it's like, what happens, right. If people don't, what I love about what you're sharing is that, I mean, I don't know about everybody listening, but you to past relationships and even my ex-husband I'm like.

[00:29:15] Oh, my God, this makes so much sense now. Or, or this person I broke up with that I was dating. Thank God. I broke up with him because you know, oh, M G right. So yes. So how can somebody start stepping into the healing process of this? Right, because I imagine that if they don't do the work, right, I say this in divorce.

[00:29:36] If you don't do the work, you're going to just keep duplicating. That's right.

[00:29:40] RIANA:   You're going to keep duplicating these types of relationships. You're going to keep attracting the same type. And that's what everyone that comes to me. It's like, oh my God, I've had the same type of person over and over again.

[00:29:51] What's the matter with me. And like I said, I get their point of frustration. I was there in their shoes. Right. So it's a huge learning. Curve. Right.   And you're not just going to go out and pick up a self-help book and get this. No, this is all based on psychological research. So I describe it like a rainbow, your start at the place where you don't know what you don't know, and that's perfectly fine.

[00:30:13] We do the deep dive into the childhood. Trauma piece and recognize how your traumas are impacting you now, what you're attracting into your life and why then we have to rewrite the story. We have to do some reparenting. We do capping, and then we do a lot of holistic things. I do vitamin therapy for my people meditation.

[00:30:34] None of my people are on anti, um, psychotropic drugs, like, uh anti-anxiety or anti-depression meds. No, my people are all for those. Once we get started, there's only 33% success rate there. Rest is placebo and the side effects are bad. So I do everything holistically. I haven't looked at your diet right.

[00:30:53] Everything right. Your space that you're living in, I check everything. So it's a learning [00:31:00] curve. And as you do better and you're feeling better about your life, you're going up the rainbow, but then you're going to slip and then you'll go up. But then you slip and people are like, well, what is the slippage?

[00:31:08] Why do I have to slip? And it's because the unconscious is so strong. Most people just act without thinking. That's the unconscious in control. So what I'm teaching you with the mindset for success is to have total conscious awareness, 24 seven before you speak, right? Anything texts, anything these thoughts go through your mind and you've learned to slow down the anxious thoughts.

[00:31:36] Now all my people with childhood trauma usually have ongoing anxiety. That's one of the ways you can identify yourself. Like if you're always feeling anxious all the time, that's a sign. There's a lot of internal healing to do because trauma stays stored in the brain and the body cells and all my trauma education to become certified as.

[00:31:58] The professional   was saying that trauma recovery is about six months long. Right? So we have to do the practices of all these different techniques and what person a gets is going to be different than person B and person C. And it's very individualized because nobody came from the same environment. Or the same story, right?

[00:32:20] So I have to work with you to put your individual puzzle together. And the cool thing is with this workbook I put together that's 150 pages. How you answer is how I then teach you to do the things that you need to do to change, heal, and grow and transform. So it's all back and forth interactive like a team.

[00:32:42] Yep. Yeah. And that's why I love coaching versus counseling, you know? Yeah. I've been a licensed mental health counselor for 21 years, but my people have texts access to me. If they need me, boom. They can reach me because I understand the state of trauma. That they need help.   So it's a, like a coach in your pocket for six months.

[00:33:03] It's a very different approach to healing growth and creating the life you desire. And that's what my people do. And then when they go out dating, they're ready, they're feeling amazing. They know that they're the whole package. They know all the dating do's and don'ts. Trust me. I armed them with all of that.

[00:33:21] The questions to ask who is emotionally healthy and who's not. And why. Yeah.    

[00:33:27] WENDY:  everybody listening, you hear me say this all the time. You hear every guest that comes on my show, say this, you've got to do the work. And you've got to do the work with somebody who knows what they're doing.

[00:33:37] Right. You've got to do the work before you start moving forward with it. What your next life looks like and, oh my goodness. Brianna, thank you so much for being here. I'd love for you to just leave our audience with one final tip, um, that we maybe haven't gotten to yet to, to help them in this process.

 [00:34:00] RIANA:   Sure for singles. I always say, be who you want to attract. So before you go out there dating, if you know, you have some things you have to work on, invest in yourself and do that first, do not be dating because you might meet a fantastic guy that says, whoa, She, I don't like her energy. She's too negative.

[00:34:19] Right? So the first who you want to attract for singles, so important, get the skills that you really need, which is psychology spirituality. There's a whole lot of edge that you need to compete in single world. So get that first couples, if you're in a relationship and you're not sure if you're going to stay or go, um, You sign up first.

[00:34:42] And I have a married man right now that says she doesn't want to do it. And I don't know if I want to stay in this marriage. We've been in counseling for a year together and it's getting worse. And I'm about to tell her to leave my house. And I said, Then you do it, not a problem. So I'll call him bell.

[00:34:59] And  on the third session she says, oh, you know, she's here. And she just wants you to know, thank you. You have been changing so much already. And by the fifth session, he goes, I feel better than I ever had in my life. She actually came on to me for the first time in two years with some intimacy and sexual advances.

[00:35:18] Why before he was pushing at her, he was lazy. He was watching too much TV. He wasn't working like he was, he wasn't shaving. He smelled. And he even admitted by the second session, he goes, oh my God, I'm the narcissist. I thought all the problems were her. But, and I said, good for you. Great. For that insight, he goes, oh, I'm this I'm that?

[00:35:39] And I said, no, no, no, no. Don't put yourself down. These are just outcomes from what you experienced from a very critical toxic mother. Right. So now let's just heal those things. Right. So, you know, you start, if you're in a couple of relationship and if they don't want to, it doesn't matter. Now he's happier than ever.

[00:35:59] She's attracted. Their marriage is taking off and she goes, I can't believe this is working. We've been in a year for therapy and. This is your fifth session.

[00:36:08] WENDY: Wait a minute. And this is the power of, of what you do, right? This is a power. I believe the power in just coaching overall, right. Is, you know, I, I'm a huge proponent of therapy.

[00:36:18] I think therapy is important for many reasons. And at the same time, there's other ways that you also get to heal that address other issues that therapy doesn't necessarily. Well,

[00:36:30] RIANA: [00:36:30] as I learned, we don't learn this in our college prepar that ration for our licenses. We don't get it now. So most therapists will not know how to go deep with this top.

[00:36:41] Yeah. Just because we didn't get it. Exactly.

The best way to start on your divorce recovery path to regain confidence and self-esteem is to start focusing on and get connected to the things that have value to you and fill your cup.

And it is easier than you think! In this episode, I am going to share 3 tips on how to start on your path to rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem because it isn't as hard as you think! In fact, it is easy once you start. So let's get you moving and building that muscle today!

FREE DIVORCE RECOVERY SUMMIT BEGINNING JUNE 7TH! LEARN MORE HERE!

Are you holding back on deciding on a divorce because you're afraid of what financial independence might look like?

Financial expert Stacy Francis has a passion for helping women who feel financially trapped in relationships and has powerful advice to help assess and make financial decisions throughout the divorce process.

In this episode, Stacy and I discuss the common financial mistakes women make when transitioning out of a relationship and the key things everyone needs to know about finances before, during, and after divorce. We'll also share resources to help you feel empowered and ready to take the first step to create your long-term plan for financial stability.

• Take the fear out of your financial future

Stacy shares her best tips for assessing your current financial situation and things to consider when creating a plan for moving forward

• Learn how money impacts the decisions we make

Financial assets influence more choices than you realize. Learn the first thing you should do financially when facing divorce and how it sets up your future decisions

• Avoid mistakes when dividing assets

Thinking you want to keep the house? Learn why that decision may not serve you and other things to consider when looking at your current assets

GUEST BIO:

Stacy Francis is the CEO & President of Francis Financial a fee-only Financial Management, Financial Planning, and Divorce Financial Planning firm dedicated to providing ongoing comprehensive advice for successful individuals, couples, and women in transition such as divorce or widowhood. She is a Certified Financial Planner® (CFP®) and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® (CDFA®) with over 20 years of experience in the financial industry.

Stacy is also the founder of Savvy Ladies™, a nonprofit organization dedicated to educating and empowering women to take control of their finances. She is a nationally-recognized financial expert featured on CNBC’s Digital Financial Advisor Council, the Forbes Finance Council, Kiplinger, and The Wall Street Journal. Stacy is the host of Financially Ever After, a podcast focusing on women, money, and divorce. She is also the author of the white paper, Unveiling the Unspoken Truth: The Financial Challenges Women Face During and After Divorce.

https://francisfinancial.com/

https://twitter.com/FrancisFinance

https://www.facebook.com/FrancisFinancialInc/

https://www.linkedin.com/company/francisfinancialinc/

Does your morning routine set you up for the rest of your day?

It's natural to feel rushed and overwhelmed in the mornings, especially while transitioning out of relationships or going through hardship. However, you might blame that overwhelming feeling on being "busy" or not being a "morning person" might be lifted by empowering yourself to create a customized morning routine.

In this episode, I'm breaking down my morning routine and how it has positively impacted my life. We'll discuss the core components of a routine and how making a commitment to change the first few hours of your day can improve your mental and physical health.

• Stop feeling scrambled in the morning
  • Listen to how I broke my routine into individual parts to set intentions around my time.
• Learn how to embrace silence
  • Understand the benefits of sitting in silence and learn how the practice helps you focus on what you want most.
• Set the tone for how you want to feel
  • Routines are critical for putting intention behind your feelings. Learn how your commitment to a consistent routine can change everything.

Did you know there are unconscious patterns that are preventing you from having the love you want?

Melanie Hersch is a psychotherapist-turned-dating-coach that understands the power of limiting beliefs and how they can stop you from connecting authentically and attracting the kind of relationships you desire.

In this episode, Melanie and I define the most common limiting beliefs that are blocking your intimacy and how to identify and heal your own subconscious beliefs that are holding you back. We'll explore what intimacy means, why women struggle with creating intimacy in any relationship, and why getting uncomfortable is necessary for growth.

Learn how to identify limiting beliefs

Understand the definition of a limiting belief and how they show up in your daily thoughts and actions.

Identify the difference between compatibility and intimacy

While working together on an external level is important to any relationship, learn how to focus on the internal intimacy of a relationship.

Get uncomfortable to experience growth

Address the negative thought patterns that you are holding onto and why they are important to let go of to grow and nurture yourself.

Guest Bio:

Melanie Hersch is a psychotherapist turned dating coach who teaches singles how to rewire the unconscious patterns that have been preventing them from having the love they want. Melanie believes that dating and relationships are some of the most powerful catalysts for personal growth. Her approach isn't focused on how to 'get' the person you want... but on how to become the person who easily attracts love in.

Melanie blends psychology, spirituality, and energetics to help her clients increase their self-esteem, know their worth, and easily attract healthy love into their lives! Her work has been featured in Oprah's O Magazine and in Psychology Today.

https://www.goodatyou.com/​ https://www.instagram.com/melaniehersch/​ https://www.facebook.com/goodatyou/