The Double Shift

A few months ago, a reader wrote into the Neighbor Hotline advice column with a question about why people don’t RSVP and how to deal with her hurt feelings about it.

That reader was Mara Gordon, MD , and on our Substack Live this week she outed herself, with more detail of her disappointment when she sent out a heartfelt invite to neighbors for a Hanukkah Party and only got heart emojis back, no firm yeses or nos.

Mara is interested in social connection professionally as a primary care doctor in Camden, New Jersey. But she also cares a lot about it as a mom with a demanding job and a desire for real community in her life. She writes Your Doctor Friend by Mara Gordon NPR’s Real Talk with a Doc column, and it turns out our first books come out on the exact same day, April 6, 2027! Hers is How to Take Up Space, about diet culture in medicine. (Smash that pre-order button, y’all!)

We started with RSVPs. The short version: the silence usually isn’t about you, and a one-on-one text (”it would be so great to catch up about your sister”) beats a group blast almost every time. Then we got to the bigger stuff. Mara sees loneliness in her exam room every day. Patients with nobody to drive them home from a colonoscopy. Parents who can’t get to the gym because there’s no one to watch the kids.

We talked about why I don’t tell people to go make new friends (a close friend takes about 200 hours), whether a 20-minute doctor’s appointment is the right place to prescribe connection, and why so often it’s the women doing the organizing. We also talked about choosing between the problems of isolation and the problems of being connected to other people, which in my house looks like a neighbor kid who some weeks eats dinner with us four nights out of seven.

And we ended on the real question: what do you feed a bunch of five-year-olds at a playground when you can’t look at another pizza? My answer: pesto pasta and a Costco rotisserie chicken, room temperature. Deep Casual forever!!! Connection is more important than perfection.

Watch the whole conversation, and I’d love to know in the comments, what are your thoughts on the impact of social connection on your health and wellbeing in your own life? ….AND… what Deep Casual dinner to you take the playground that’s not pizza?!

PS: Happy Pub Week to Gemma Hartley for her new book, No One Loves An Angry Woman: A Exvangelical Coming-of-Rage Story. This is a fierce, powerful book, part memoir part cultural examination of how christian patriarchy as shaped us all. If you’ve ever found yourself burning with anger or doing everything you can not to, this book is for you!

I have a great time talking with Kathleen Donahoe about the health realities that led her to be an expert don’t list creator, how she’s using her budget to drive her holiday Don’t List this year, and why letting go of traditions to make space for others is especially meaningful for her this year.

ALSO: If you are looking for a great gift (what is better than the gift of community and connection!?) for a loved one or yourself, you can support this small business by getting 20% a yearly membership! Come on and join the fun!

I had a blast talking to Virginia Sole-Smith about her “Friend Friday” tradition, and the insights she’s gathered from the Burnt Toast by Virginia Sole-Smith Community about making Deep Casual Hosting work!

I also snuck in a question about Virginia’s move to Patreon!

Feel free to check out Virginia’s work on deep casual hosting here.

Here’s my landing page of all Deep Casual Hosting content!

Also, only 2 more days to get a DEEP discount on a year long Double Shift Membership. $42 instead of $80. Get it quick!

I had a blast talking about Amanda Litman’s weekly experiment of hosting friends at her Brooklyn apartment every Saturday night. My favorite parts of this conversation were discussing how NOT having a perfectly clean house can actually make guests feel more welcome, how to handle entertainment for kids, and how much this regular connection has bolstered Amanda’s mental health in these trying times.

I hope you enjoy my “deep casual” beach hair look live from Central America! 😂

ICYMI, here are some of our writings on the topic.

I felt an absolute zing of electricity when I opened a message a few weeks ago asking if Shannon Watts could interview ME for her Substack Live series. Along with being a longtime fan of the incredible national movement Shannon has built for common sense gun laws with Moms Demand Action, I love her Substack

Playing with Fire. It’s all about prioritizing desires (especially around activism and social change) over social expectations. Her newest book, Fired Up: How to Turn Your Spark Into a Flame and Come Alive at Any Age is now available for preorder, out in June 2025, and I can’t wait to read it.

This was the first extended interview I’ve given about what I’m learning about for my forthcoming book, HOW TO FIND YOUR PEOPLE. Give it listen and let me know how I did! (I thought of several additional things I could say after the interview was over.)

Be sure you are subscribed to The Double Shift on Substack and you want in on the How to Find Your People Club, come join us!

I’m back with an update on what I’ve been working on—The How to Find Your People Club, an IRL community-building project tackling loneliness and disconnection. Plus, exciting news: I’m writing a book!

In this episode, I’ll share more about the club, why community matters, and then dive into my latest audio newsletter, How Busyness Stops Us from Meaningful Connection. If you’ve missed hearing from me, come join me on Substack.

The written version of this newsletter is here.

We are constantly surrounded by aspirational images of human connectedness but according to American Time Use Survey data, Americans' time socializing in person declined 20% from 2003 to 2023.

The How to Find Your People Club exists to help you build meaningful relationships, and doing that within a community is an extremely meaningful and practical way to build strong connections. This audio newsletter will explain the difference between friendship and community. While both are very important, I’ll explain why I’m laser-focused on helping people cultivate the latter.

I am very angry right now. In my community, I’m witnessing a fixable systemic childcare problem be cemented squarely on the shoulders of individual families, rather than those with power and resources collectively addressing a real need.

My beleaguered public school district is waving the white flag of surrender to its working parents over our afterschool program. In this week’s audio newsletter, I’ll make a case for why we have to resist the dismantling of safety nets.

This is the last free audio newsletter for everyone. If you’re a paid member, you still have access. If you’ve loved these audio newsletters and want to try out our membership program, go to thedoubleshift.substack.com/listeners for a free 30-day trial.

Now I want to change gears from fire breathing to recommend a few Substacks to you:

I love the Substack from Lindsey Stanberry called The Purse. She gets personal with the people she interviews and it’s so illuminating. My favorite one of her series is Home Economics where people share al the nitty gritty details about what they spend money on in a month. Also has a Division of Labor series about household responsibilities among couples I think Double Shifters will love.

Also, definitely check out I’m Walking Here by Liz Gumbinner. She’s one of the original tastemakers in the mom space looong before momfluencers were a thing, and her newsletter is a great mix of common sense advice, analysis of current events, observations on parenting and parenting culture, pithy media commentary, unabashed feminism, GenX nostalgia, oddly persistent optimism, gift guides and recommendations.

Members-only Hangout THIS FRIDAY! 

I can’t wait for our Members-only hangout on March 15th at 3pm EST! I’m thrilled that two long-time Double Shift members will join me in conversation about how creativity and caregiving intersect, overlap, conflict, and interplay. This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot as my “day job” requires "creativity.” But writing doesn’t always feel “creative” for me when it’s part of my “work.” I will be joined by musician Jaspar Lepak and visual artist Ilyse Iris Magy. Whether you are also a professional creative, someone who explores creativity through hobbies, someone who’s shelved creativity because of your caregiving duties, or someone who thinks they don’t have a creative bone in your body, this will be an enriching discussion for us all!

After all of the intensity of being a business lady and switching platforms in the last few weeks, I thought I’d change gears with this occasional beloved series on a wide range of things that make my life better. None of these are a substitute or solution for a robust social safety net or a society that values care, but they are still fun. Nothing in this list is sponsored, and not all require purchases to experience.

If you love audio newsletters and what to try out our membership program, go to thedoubleshift.substack.com/listeners for a free 30-day trial.

Recommended Links:

* Zuri Kenya Dresses

* The DoubleTree Inn and Suites

* Ukiyo Teacup

* The Substack App

* Locopops

If you love the Double Shift, I think you’ll also love: 

* Matriarchy Report: Journalists Allison Lichter and Lane Anderson have a great weekly newsletter focusing on solutions to issues around care work and family life. Their formats include personal essays, Q&As with authors and experts of all kinds, as well as original reporting. I was honored that they recently featured my work at New America under the awesome titles 8 Great Gifts for Caregivers and Every Time Motherhood Radicalizes Someone, an Angel Gets Its Wings. Check out their great work and give ‘em a Subscribe.

Making it Work: If you liked this edition of The Double Shift newsletter, you’ll love the thoughtful recommendations from Youngna Park ’s great newsletter. Her taste is impeccable (or just very similar to mine) and well-researched, especially in the books department for both kids and adults. Also, I love that she makes great recommendations without being overly consumerist, which feels like a fine line sometimes. I think you’ll love it as much as I do.

In this week’s audio newsletter is an essay about Sophia Chitlik, who is running for NC state senate here in Durham, North Carolina. What excites me the most about Sophia is that she’s promoting a platform we need candidates from across the country to try out. She’s running on care.

You can connect with Sophia and read more about her campaign at her website, https://sophiafornc.com.

If you love audio newsletters and what to try out our membership program, go to thedoubleshift.substack.com/listeners for a free 30-day trial.

If you love the Double Shift, I think you’ll also love: 

Therapy Takeaway: Dr. Pooja Lakshmin MD(who’s also the author of the wonderful book, Real Self Care) has a newsletter that tackles fascinating systemic issues moms in particular face but brings her unique perspective as a reproductive physiatrist to offer concrete and insightful solutions. I loved her recent post, How to Make Hanging Out Happen, which gives helpful framing on how and why we feel like we never have time for unstructured connection with people. She also offers great ideas for creating more “hangout space” in your life. 

Platonic Love Letter: I recently discovered the work of Aliza Sir Sir and Aja Frost and their wonderful newsletter devoted to friendship. I’m particularly taken with their 8-week Training Program for Friendship, which they describe as a “running club meets support group for friendship.” with prompts, action items, and robust discussions in the comment threads. Based on conversations I’ve had with Double Shifters over the years, building meaningful friendships is top-of-mind for many of you, so definitely check out and subscribe to Platonic Love Letter.