A listener wrote a song about Stroke having sex 38 times in one day and sent it in. You listened to it. All of it. That should’ve been the whole episode — but somehow, it spiraled into a half-serious campaign to let Chick-fil-A run the country, a debate over Pornhub ass-eating stats, and a book called How to Start a Cult. Next thing you know, everyone’s pitching Kool-Aid merch and Stroke is leading a sex orgy interview team in a hazmat suit. Also: funeral desecration in Florida, a Dollar Tree crime ring in Sacramento, a missing flamingo statue in Parma, a bank heist where the money was stored in a goddamn cooler, and Daniel the black guy (probably).

Welcome to America’s Loudest Podcast 🇺🇸

Listener Kenobi wants advice on asking a girl to be his Valentine. The gang tries to help, then mocks him with rejection trauma stories and redhead slander.

A Pornhub stat claiming 73% of Gen Z eats ass gets treated like it's peer-reviewed science. Ian doubts it. Mikey blames memes. Jenn considers launching a listener poll.

Dammit Jess writes a song called “You Fucked Me 38 Times,” inspired by Stroke’s TRT-fueled sex marathon. The lyrics include “embedded in my vagina.” It’s a moment.

Parenting dilemma: kid gets a black eye during a “UFC” playdate. Jenn wants accountability. Ian wants self-defense classes. Mikey just wants less therapy bills.

Daniel (self-identified “black guy”) emails in to argue DNA percentages.

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