The Human Centipod

Carmen and John share their favorite jokes (from others, not theirs) because it's National Tell A Joke Day or something. They also talk about immigrants which is not a joke it's a big SERIOUS issue. So is Carmen's "comedy burnout" which they also discuss. In other Discussion Departments: the duo talk John's Emmy yet again. Also Boomer Esiason might be in this episode (mentioned, not actually IN the episode). Christ almighty, laugh already - IT'S NATIONAL TELL A JOKE DAY!

Carmen and John have a lot of first world problems and they discuss them all and get tired out in that first world suffering way. ALSO: The duo buries the headline: Carmen has a very special upcoming interview with a hint: big time network channel. Oh, man, you know they talk about that for a bit. Did you know John got a big bite and it wasn't from Carmen? Well, you're gonna wanna hear about that, boy howdy! The duo then continues to talk doctors, ERs, chalky drinks, and generous landlords. The whole shebang is book-ended by one big ol' whore you won't soon forget, but will try hard to.

John talks about all the times he's pooped in front of girlfriends and wives (not necessarily his). Carmen discusses her girlfriends and how they tend to do weird things together, but definitely never the pooping thing. Also "Relationship Tips!" Like: Never watch your wife/girlfriend have a baby especially if it's a C-section. Seriously. We are trying to salvage your relationship.

John won an Emmy for comedy writing!! That news again is: John won an Emmy!!! And also, an Emmy was recently won by John!!! This is what Carmen and John talk about. Mostly. Eventually Carmen gets bored of it and starts talking horror movies. It's an episode that balances out fun and excitement with death and gore. You know, like life, mannnnnnn. Btw, John won an Emmy so you should buy his new book available on Amazon titled "Adorable Murderers" because an Emmy was won by John (!!!)

Yet another National Holiday no one knows about inspires the duo to recount their most exciting drinking escapades. Like John getting "stuck" in a Vegas strip club's Champagne Room and Carmen's six month career as a whore. We think. Who can remember, they were probably drunk while recording this. Also, season 4 of The Handmaid's Tale recently finished, so get ready for plenty of clit talk.

National French Fry Day was July 13th so John talks about working at McDonalds. Not now (yet) - when he was in high school. Then Carmen shares her "potato vagina" stories (think Dr. Seuss but for your genitals). This leads the pair to discuss the maintenance differences between vaginas and penises (you will learn from this.) Carmen also discusses her involvement with a bearded dragon which, as it turns out, is not a euphemism for a disgusting sex act (see photo).

This episode opens with a cameo from yet another dead celebrity thanks to the show’s resident medium, Andy Pitz! And also, guys? Guys? (And yes that includes GALS!) Did you know Carmen is Spanish and can prove it? (Take THAT, Hilaria Baldwin!) Carmen also discusses the sordid - yet still somehow lame - ways she celebrated the Fourth of July during her high school days. She further humiliates herself, as well as threatens her citizen status, when she reveals WHAT she used to think the "Pledge of Allegiance" was really for. Oh and guys? Guys! (YES, GALS INCLUDED!) John used to live with rodents because his dad kept trying to give the family cancer. Also John’s first book of cartoons is now available for purchase! He explains how he only redrew one of the offensive toons, thanks to the pressure he received from the voices in his head.

John continues to jealously rage against Carmen’s growing TikTok fame as yet another of her videos blows up. But John gets his revenge as Carmen describes all the weird comments she gets, especially regarding Spanish vs. Latinos and people doubting what her mom said to her once. How would you know? You weren’t there, you dumb internet losers. Also, Carmen buys plant seeds and gets in trouble with the Department of Agriculture and a fan of the podcast thinks John sounds like Mandy Patinkin but not during his Iñigo Montoya days, just his crusty, old, near-death ones. And, hey, Carmen’s giving out free tank tops! So listen to the ep to learn how to get yours!

Carmen and John talk to their good friend and actor extraordinaire, Jason Kane. Jason not only worked with your hosts back when they were lowly temps at Goldman Sachs approximately 1.4 million years ago, but he also may be one of the biggest proponents for LGBTQ that you'll ever meet in your lifetime. So who better to have on during Gay Pride Month, huh? ANSWER: NO ONE. Jason recounts his glorious comedic and moving cabaret "Why Am I  Not Gay?" He also gives the hosts an update on his crush on Katie Holmes. God, this episode, right, guys? Right????

Gilbert Gottfried wishes the podcast a very special Father's Day in the only way he doesn't know how. Throughout this episode, random cute kids talk about their dads, what they like and dislike about them, etc. and you can hear the emotional scars forming that will affect them later as adults. Finally, John talks to yet another college buddy, comparing father stories that would be sweet if they didn't use the f-word so much.