The short answer is no, don’t lend money to an estranged adult child. If you can’t afford to *give* money to them (or if you choose not to), it may be better to avoid any financial involvement.
If you can help it, don’t become your child’s creditor.
As a creditor you’re on the hook to take action if your child defaults. This doesn’t bode well for a good outcome when there’s already tension in your relationship.
What should you do in the event that you already loaned your adult child money? Now she’s estranged and not paying you back.
In this practical episode, Tina discusses that dilemma, and offers a (necessarily imperfect) solution.
If you normally ask what your child needs it for when you’re asked for money, consider whether your child is a criminal, addicted to drugs, or has terrible judgment. If none of these things are true, you might want to show less interest in the details of his spending.
If you treat your child like the independent adult she is, she might spontaneously decide she wants to pay you back for an earlier loan. Or maybe not.
The goal is to show respect for both yourself and your child in all your financial dealings. And to make sure your relationship is based on something more valuable than money.

Parents of estranged adult children often get no response to messages they send. With every lack of response, parents become more and more discouraged. They take their child’s silence as continued rejection, and they start to feel powerless. While it’s true that adult children often don’t respond if they don’t like the message, there are other reasons why they might not reply, even if the messages lands well. In this inspiring episode, Tina suggests that getting a response shouldn’t be considered the only measure of success. As long as they know their messages are helping to restore the relationship, parents can feel good about what they send. If you’re thinking of offering an apology, or if you’ve sent apologies in the past without apparent effect, make sure you know the elements of an effective apology. (Go to https://reconnectionclub.com/87 for a link to Lesson 1 of the Reconnection Club apology course.) That’s just one example of how parents can educate themselves to become confident in what they’re sending to their estranged adult children. Make sure everything you send during an estrangement is both heartfelt and on target.

You might be surprised to know that if your adult child has abandoned you for your ex, you have plenty of company.
Single mothers often enjoy an especially close relationship with their children when they’re young. No wonder these moms are shocked and hurt when one of their now-young-adults decides to explore a relationship with his dad – and decides to dump Mom in the process.
What’s going on here? Why does an adult child have to reject the parent who raised him in order to get close to the parent who left? 
Tina makes several observations about this surprisingly common scenario. Not only is it not rare, it’s likely not permanent.
Moms who experience this type of rejection will do well to remember that the foundations they built with their child(ren) won’t just disintegrate.
It’s okay to turn your attention to personal healing while you await the next phase of your relationship, and your lives.

If you’ve been in the Reconnection Club environment long enough, you’re probably on board with the idea of taking your estranged adult child’s point of view. You want to be supportive, to validate his thoughts and feelings, while you work on repairing the relationship. But how do you do that in the face of poor behavior, without feeling like a doormat? In this week’s show, Tina looks at 3 scenarios where parents are vulnerable to feeling like doormats: - Your adult child only contacts you when she needs something, then disappears again. - Your child uses foul language when he speaks to you, but you don’t want to complain and risk losing contact. - You send invitations and wait for responses that never come, so you never know whether to set another place at the table. With these examples in mind, learn how to strike a balance between being supportive and being walked on.

If only your child would let go of this GRUDGE she’s carrying. If it weren’t for that, the two of you could be close again, the way you’re meant to be.
But wait – Why is your child holding a grudge? And if she is, then what’s the remedy?
If your child is holding a grudge, there’s absolutely nothing you can do but wait till he comes around. And hope it doesn’t take too long.
In this episode, Tina brings good news: A grudge is probably not the reason your adult child is estranged right now. And if it’s not a grudge your child is insisting on holding, then as a parent, you have the power to change the picture.
Tina lists three considerations for parents who feel their adult child is simply holding a grudge. Spoiler alert: It’s not that simple.
And it’s definitely not that hopeless from a parent’s point of view.
Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child

Many parents rejected by an adult child are committed to working toward a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. But they recognize that even if they work very hard and do everything right, reconciliation can take more time than they’d like. Some estranged adult children simply need more time before they’re ready to try again. They may be too busy or too anxious right now to take the relationship off the back burner and re-engage. This leaves parents with nothing to do but wait. Or does it? For unwillingly estranged parents, waiting should not be a passive enterprise. If you’re waiting to hear from your child, don’t waste valuable time. You could be preparing right now for a better outcome in the future. In this episode, Tina explains why parents should spend their “waiting” time constructively and offers specific suggestions for things you can do. You’ll be lucky if you have the time to do the recommended homework before your child comes back. If you do, it will make all the difference in a successful reconciliation. Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child

What if your estranged adult child is expressing ideas that seem delusional?
Should you play into those delusions? Or try to talk her out of them?
You might worry that while going along with your child’s distorted thinking may soothe her somewhat, it isn’t good for her psychological health.
You’re torn between preserving the relationship at any cost, and doing the right thing for your child.
Fortunately, this isn’t a choice parents have to make.
Through a story about a delusional patient in a psychiatric ward, Tina shows why parents should focus on the child and the relationship, not the delusion, for best results.

You’d be surprised how many estranged adult children come from close families. It’s a myth that parents must have been toxic and abusive for adult children to seek estrangement. Sometimes the very closeness that characterizes a family is what underlies the adult child’s need for distance. But how can that be? Aren’t close families good for children? Yes, close families are wonderful environments for children to grow up in. But not every family is close in the right way for children to thrive. In this episode, Tina distinguishes between closeness and enmeshment. While closeness is healthy and feels good for everyone involved, enmeshment pumps the brakes on individuality and autonomy, especially in children. The closeness that parents enjoy in enmeshed families may be experienced by children as control or benign oppression. As always, Tina offers hope for parents to turn things around.

Understanding your adult child’s reasons for estrangement can be hard, especially when there’s no communication.
But it can seem downright mystifying when you look back at your child’s youth. “He had so many great experiences!” you may exclaim, “We made sure he had good times and lots of opportunities.” You wonder how someone who was given so much could ever turn on his parents.
It’s wonderful to have the satisfaction that you gave your child(ren) as much as you could. But parents do this naturally, not as a quid pro quo, and not purely out of generosity. Surely it helped you sleep at night if you knew your child was warm and safe and fed.
It’s a sad awakening to realize that the childhood you were able to give her, didn’t guarantee your child’s happiness. 
But there may still be much you can joyfully give that can have a positive impact on both of you.
In this episode, Tina outlines three assumptions parents make about good childhoods, and explains why the privileges and opportunities your child received are less relevant to the relationship than one might hope.
The investments you made in your child(ren) were never guaranteed. But they were also less conscious than the ones you can make in that relationship today. Trade assumptions for good information, and anticipate better results.
If you enjoy this podcast you'll also like Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

How can they do this? Is it really okay with them? Are they happy? Research suggests answers to these questions, and Tina shares the information in this informative episode.