This Whole Life

"Someone owes you something, is indebted to you, and you let go of that debt. It's like it's written on an IOU, and you're tearing it up and throwing it to the wind." ~ Kenna Millea

• What does real forgiveness actually require, and why isn't "forgive and forget" a Christian idea at all?
• Why does it bother you so much more when your spouse or your kid does the exact thing you secretly do too?
• Is it even possible to forgive someone who never asks for it, or who's no longer in your life to ask?

In episode 106 of This Whole Life, Pat and Kenna Millea break down forgiveness, starting with a surprising fact: nowhere in the Gospels does anyone ever ask Jesus for forgiveness point-blank, and yet he forgives constantly. That single detail unlocks the idea at the center of this episode, unilateral forgiveness, the practice of forgiving before someone asks, apologizes, or even realizes they hurt you.

They start with a simple, clarifying definition of forgiveness as canceling a debt, not forgetting it ever happened, then work through what scripture and C.S. Lewis have to say about why forgiveness might be the most disobeyed commandment in Christianity. Kenna introduces a concept from her spiritual director called empathetic repentance, the idea that what actually costs you your peace isn't what the other person did, it's the seed of that same thing already in you.

They close with a real answer to one of the hardest versions of this question: how do you forgive someone who's died, or someone you're no longer in contact with, when you'll never get to tell them?

This episode is for anyone still waiting on an apology that may never come, or anyone who's realized that holding out for one is quietly costing them their own peace.

Episode 106 Show Notes

Reflection Questions

Larry Christensen's sermon on Unilateral Forgiveness

Chapters:

• (00:00) - Cold Open
• (00:43) - Welcome and What's Harder to Forgive: A Game
• (13:09) - Highs and Hards: A Notre Dame Anniversary Trip
• (18:19) - Defining Forgiveness: The IOU You Tear Up
• (23:36) - What Scripture and C.S. Lewis Say About Forgiveness
• (40:41) - Empathetic Repentance: Why Their Sin Bothers You So Much
• (49:38) - Unilateral Forgiveness: What Jesus Actually Modeled
• (57:22) - Challenge by Choice and Closing Prayer

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Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.

Sometimes it's important to take the road MORE traveled.

But Will Johnson lived to tell the tale.

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Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.

"Day after day after day, you and I would just wake up and feel like we were underwater. Could not get our head above water, could barely breathe." ~ Pat Millea

• What does it actually take to survive the "fog of war" years of early parenthood without losing yourself or your marriage?
• Why might letting go of your own standards, like a spotless house or a specific parenting method, be the healthiest thing you can do for your family?
• What's the one practice Pat and Kenna almost let slip that ended up holding their marriage together?

In episode 105 of This Whole Life, Pat and Kenna Millea open up their playbook for surviving, and even thriving, in the trenches of early parenthood. Drawing on their own experience raising seven kids, they talk honestly about the season a friend once called "the fog of war," the disorienting, sleep deprived stretch where you can't seem to get your head above water.

From there, they walk through seven hard won practicals: holding firm to your values when everything feels chaotic, finding your own family's "clean spectrum," knowing when to take advice and when to let it roll off your back, outsourcing what you can without guilt, and protecting the handful of moments each day that actually shape your family's culture.

They close with the two habits that quietly hold their marriage together in the middle of it all: going on dates, and praying together daily, even when it's just a Hail Mary before falling asleep.

This episode is for anyone in the thick of parenting little kids who has wondered if they're doing it right, or anyone who remembers that season and wants to look back on it with a little more grace.

Episode 105 Show Notes

Reflection Questions

Chapters:

• (00:00) - Cold Open
• (00:38) - Welcome, Lightning Round, and Highs and Hards
• (17:39) - The Fog of War: Why Early Parenthood Feels Like Survival
• (21:05) - Practical 1: Clarify and Hold Your Values
• (25:30) - Practicals 2 and 3: Finding Your Clean Spectrum and Filtering Advice
• (38:39) - Practicals 4 and 5: Outsourcing and Protecting High-Impact Moments
• (47:10) - Practicals 6 and 7: Dates, Prayer, and Staying Connected
• (53:12) - Challenge by Choice and Closing Prayer

Support the show

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Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.

Talking to your teen about sex is so good and important, but it can be vulnerable and uncomfortable.

Trust us... Kenna knows. 😂

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Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.

"You, friend, listening to this, watching this right now, you are good. Period." ~ Pat Millea

• What's the real difference between failing at something and believing you are a failure?
• Why does the world have a vested interest in convincing you your worth is something you have to go earn?
• What happens when you build your identity on your mission instead of on your relationship with God?

In episode 104 of This Whole Life, Pat and Kenna Millea sit with a truth most of us know in our heads but rarely trust in our hearts: you are good, not because of what you do, but because of who made you. Kenna opens up about a moment in spiritual direction that cracked something open for her, realizing that failing has to do with her actions, but shame goes deeper, straight to her sense of being.

They walk through a simple framework from their own spiritual direction called RIM: relationship, identity, and mission, moving clockwise like the rim of a bowl. Relationship with God comes first, identity flows from that relationship, and mission flows from identity. Most of us live it backwards, chasing our mission first and letting our performance tell us who we are, which is exactly how one bad meeting, one lost client, or one hard parenting moment convinces us we're worthless.

Pat shares a story from his years in youth ministry about a student whose entire identity was wrapped up in sports, and what happened to that identity the moment a torn ACL took the sport away. They also get into the difference between true humility and the "fishing for compliments" version so many Christians default to, and close with two of their favorite lines on identity, one from Aslan in Prince Caspian, and one from a fifth century doctor of the church named Peter Chrysologus.

Episode 104 Show Notes

Reflection Questions

Chapters:

• (00:00) - Cold Open
• (00:47) - Welcome Back and Today's Topic
• (01:20) - The Good or Bad Game
• (07:01) - Highs and Hards
• (13:09) - Failing vs. Feeling Shame
• (15:26) - The World's Vested Interest in Your Insecurity
• (19:02) - The Athlete Who Lost His Identity
• (25:00) - Introducing the RIM Framework
• (28:05) - Living It Backwards
• (34:57) - Why We'd Rather Hustle Than Rest
• (41:15) - Holding Sin and Goodness Together
• (45:13) - Two Closing Quotes on Identity
• (48:38) - Closing Prayer

Links and Resources:

• Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis
• St. Peter Chrysologus (Catholic Encyclopedia)
• Catholic Heart Work Camp

Support the show

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Interested in more faith-filled mental health resources? Check out the Martin Center for Integration

Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.

The Millea family's origin story.

How were Pat & Kenna struck by the lightning bolt of romance? It all started with a subpar early 2000s rom com...

Support the show

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Interested in more faith-filled mental health resources? Check out the Martin Center for Integration

Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.

"When we are busy, we are numbed out to this sense of inadequacy that we all know is real. Deep, deep, deep down." ~ Kenna Millea

What does it actually look like to be addicted to the hustle and not even realize it?

How does staying perpetually busy become a coping strategy for the deeper questions we are afraid to sit with?

What if the solution to your busyness is not better time management, but a ruthless commitment to doing less?

In episode 103 of This Whole Life, Pat and Kenna Millea get honest about their own addiction to hustle. Drawing on John Mark Comer's The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, they explore why so many of us cannot seem to slow down, and what our busyness is really covering up.

They dig into the spiritual roots of hurry, why John Mark Comer calls it the greatest threat to the interior life, and how the Catholic social tradition has been telling us for over a century that work was made for man, not the other way around. Kenna shares a moment from her own therapy that reframed everything: the possibility that her anxiety has been masking depression all along, and that staying busy is the most productive-looking way to avoid sitting with the hard questions of the human experience. Pat gets equally honest about the cost of hurry in his own fatherhood, admitting that far too often he is yelling at his kids not because of what they are doing, but because he is in a hurry and their seven-year-old slowness is incompatible with his schedule.

They close with four practical S's from Comer's book: silence and solitude, Sabbath, simplicity, and slowing. The challenge is to pick just one and try it for a week.

This episode is for anyone who has answered "how are you doing?" with "so busy" and quietly wondered why that answer feels both true and empty at the same time.

Chapters:

•  (00:00) - Cold Open
•  (00:37) - Welcome and Episode Intro
•  (01:47) - Lightning Round: 90 Seconds with Kenna
•  (09:39) - Highs and Hards
•  (16:07) - Why We Might Be the Worst People to Host This Episode
•  (17:46) - The Spiritual Roots of Busyness
•  (21:41) - The Mental and Emotional Cost of Hurry
•  (34:12) - Busyness as a Coping Strategy
•  (42:47) - The Louis C.K. Conan Clip and Joy Antibodies
•  (47:29) - Four Ways to Fight Back: The Four S's
•  (54:00) - Challenge by Choice
•  (54:55) - Closing Prayer

Episode 103 Show Notes

Reflection Questions

Links and Resources:

• The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer
• Louis C.K. on Conan: Everything's Amazing and Nobody's Happy (language warning, do not watch with kids)

Support the show

Thank you for listening, and a very special thank you to our community of supporters!

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Interested in more faith-filled mental health resources? Check out the Martin Center for Integration

Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.

What is a parent to do when their child leaves home and really struggles?

Paul & Rachel Balducci share a story of heartache and hope that you need to hear, no matter how old your kids are.

Support the show

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Interested in more faith-filled mental health resources? Check out the Martin Center for Integration

Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.

"The most transformative thing you can do as a parent is to know who you are in God's eyes." ~ Rachel Balducci

• What does it actually look like to raise boys into men of faith and character?
• How do you stay united as parents when the chaos of a house full of boys threatens to divide you?
• What do you do when your sons walk away from the faith, and how do you hold on to hope?

In episode 102 of This Whole Life, Pat and Kenna Millea sit down with Paul and Rachel Balducci, parents of five sons and one daughter, for a conversation about what it really takes to raise boys well. Paul is an immigration attorney and Rachel is an author, journalist, and co-host of The Gist on Catholic TV. Together they have 32 years of marriage and a lot of hard-won wisdom to share.

They talk honestly about what the early years looked like with four boys under five, the exhaustion Rachel carried as a stay-at-home mom, and how Paul's quiet steadiness became one of the greatest gifts he gave his sons. They dig into the difference between parenting from fear and parenting from a secure identity in God, and why that shift changes everything.

Paul shares one of the most moving moments in the episode: the story of how a small Wednesday night dinner group, built on nothing more than a meal and a short video, led to a full-scale revival among a group of young men who had stopped going to Mass. It is a story about patience, trust, and what happens when parents refuse to give up.

Rachel offers something equally honest for the moms: you cannot pour from a place of anxiety, you have to learn to let go, trust the Holy Spirit, and love your kids exactly where they are.

This episode is for every parent who has wondered whether they are doing enough, and every mom or dad who needs to hear that God loves your kids far more than you ever could.

Rachel Balducci is a cohost of The Gist, a talk show for women on CatholicTV, and teaches journalism at Augusta University. She is the author of Make My Life Simple: Bringing Peace to Heart and Home and How Do You Tuck in a Superhero and Other Delightful Mysteries of Raising Boys. Paul Balducci is an attorney who specializes in immigration and naturalization law. Paul & Rachel have been married for 32 years, live in Georgia, and have five “strapping” sons and one “precious” daughter.

Reflection Questions

Chapters:

• (00:37) - Welcome and guest introductions
• (02:15) - Highs and Hards
• (10:15) - How Paul and Rachel met and discerned marriage
• (17:46) - What life actually looked like with a house full of boys
• (26:35) - Raising sons: vision, modeling, and masculine genius
• (35:11) - What your sons need from you as they grow up
• (47:27) - Avoiding the trap of over-critical parenting
• (54:25) - When your sons walk away from the faith
• (59:52) - Challenge by choice
• (01:01:26) - Closing prayer

Links and Resources:

• Rachel Balducci - https://rachelbalducci.com/
• Rachel on Instagram: @rachelbalducci
• Rachel Balducci on Catholic TV: The Gist - https://www.catholictv.org/the-gist.html
• Make My Life Simple: Bringing Peace to Heart and Home by Rachel Balducci - https://a.co/d/036UJ4LT
• How Do You Tuck in a Superhero? by Rachel Balducci - https://a.co/d/03Flj5LR

Support the show

Thank you for listening, and a very special thank you to our community of supporters!

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Interested in more faith-filled mental health resources? Check out the Martin Center for Integration

Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.

The human desire for connection and relationship is real and powerful.

Especially when tacos are involved.

Vonda Tiede, LMFT tells her side of the story.

Support the show

Thank you for listening, and a very special thank you to our community of supporters!

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Interested in more faith-filled mental health resources? Check out the Martin Center for Integration

Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.