Untethering Shame

Most of us know what it feels like to constantly prove we're enough. To perform, achieve, and stay "acceptable," often at the expense of our energy, self-trust, and connection to ourselves.

But what if the pressure to keep proving ourselves isn't just personal? What if shame is also a tool that keeps larger systems in place?

In this episode of Untethering Shame, Kyira sits down with Samantha Tetzlaff, a certified Mystic Astrologer, Somatic Educator for Women, and trauma-informed coach, to explore the deep connection between shame and the patriarchy.

Sam shares her personal experience with overperforming, chasing masculine-coded achievement, and the ways that imbalance quietly affected her energy, presence, and relationship with herself.

Together, Sam and Kyira explore how shame keeps us distracted, self-doubting, and disconnected from our bodies. They discuss the role of people-pleasing and perfectionism, the pressure of hustle culture, and how reconnecting with ourselves can become an act of resistance.

As Audre Lorde famously expressed, self-care is an act of self-preservation and political warfare.

This isn't a conversation about blaming men or simply expressing anger toward the patriarchy. It's about understanding the masculine and feminine energies within all of us, recognizing the signs of disconnection, and reclaiming the sovereignty many of us were conditioned to give away.

In this episode, we explore:

• The connection between shame, the patriarchy, and systems of power

• Why overperforming and perfectionism can become survival strategies

• How people-pleasing keeps us disconnected from ourselves

• Why trying to fix yourself isn't the same as healing

• How shame keeps existing systems running

• The importance of reconnecting with the body through somatic practices

• What our triggers can teach us about unmet needs

• Masculine and feminine energy and the pressure of hustle culture

• How to recognize safety and begin rebuilding self-trust

• Practical ways to start reconnecting with yourself

More About Sam

Sam is a certified Mystic Astrologer and Somatic Educator for Women with a background in Counseling Psychology. She has been counseling individuals for nine years and hosting women's circles for two years. She also offers a monthly astrological membership and one-on-one intuitive, trauma-informed coaching.

Her soul's mission is to empower women to remember their inherent cyclical nature and reclaim their embodied sovereignty.

Connect with Sam:

Website: https://samtetzlaff.com

Instagram: @sherises_embodiment
https://www.instagram.com/sherises_embodiment/

Ready to Take the Next Step?

Download the FREE handout, "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day," and start making daily shifts to break the shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in a negative headspace:

https://adversityrising.com/handouts

Book a free 25-minute discovery call to explore different program options and find the support that best fits your needs:

https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call

Stay Connected with Untethering Shame

Subscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and leave a review to share your thoughts on this episode.

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/untethering-shame/id1691795543

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdqCNF8lI6hq8U2GNQsAJkQ

Website: https://adversityrising.com

We cannot come for the holidays this year. Please call before you stop by. We do not parent that way. If your adult child has said something like this, maybe your first reaction was hurt, disappointment, or even anger. Maybe you thought, they are shutting me out.

Here is the truth. Your children's boundaries are not about rejecting you. They are about keeping the relationship safe and sustainable. When your adult child sets a boundary, they are telling you how they can stay connected to you without burning out, without resentment, and without pulling away completely. Their boundaries are an invitation.

In this episode I walk through how to respect your adult children's boundaries:

Why boundaries from adult kids can feel like walls, and what they really are

How to listen without defensiveness

How to honor their limits without guilting them

How to adapt with curiosity instead of assuming

Your child's limits are not a rejection. They are a roadmap to connection. Respect them and you will build trust. Resist them and you will build walls.

And if you are thinking, but what about my boundaries, you are right. Sometimes a dynamic needs to shift on their side too. Book a free discovery call and we will look at what is and is not in your control.

Book a discovery call: https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call

More: https://adversityrising.com

This is part of my series on messy parent-child relationships. Subscribe so the next one finds you.

What happens when your suffering is real, but nobody around you can see it?

In this episode, Kyira sits down with Kristin Windsor, who lived for years with dissociative identity disorder, complex trauma, and symptoms that no one around her could see. By the time she was 24, Kristin had seen over 100 doctors. Her symptoms had been blamed on sin and "spiritual warfare," and it took more than ten years for anyone to suggest suppressed childhood trauma. When she was finally diagnosed with DID, everything she read told her it couldn't be cured, and that the best she could hope for was to barely cope.

Together, Kyira and Kristin explore: why invisible does not mean invalid how shame and religious messaging taught her to distrust her own body what DID actually is, beyond the movies and the stigma why talk therapy alone couldn't reach what was stored in her body how she taught herself parts work and treated every symptom as a clue on a "treasure hunt" back to her wholeness the moment her inner child raised her hand and whispered, "I have hope" the idea of an "inner life partner" and how to meet your unmet needs from within

Kristin shares how she went on to integrate all 15 parts of herself, and why her advice for anyone just starting out is simple: practice presence and practice self-love, every single day.

If you've ever felt like your pain didn't count because no one else could see it, this conversation is for you.

More about Kristin:

Kristin Windsor teaches people how to reclaim their innate wholeness, restore inner well-being, and create lasting peace, joy, and freedom. Using her own neuroscience-based methods, she self-healed over 100 debilitating health challenges, 20 years of complex trauma, and seven years of amnesia, without external guidance. Kristin's work moves beyond surface symptoms to address the root causes of dis-ease. Through her books, courses, and 1:1 mentorship, she helps others break cycles of trauma and reclaim their authentic, empowered selves.

Connect with Kristin:

Website: https://www.kristinwindsor.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kristinsquantumcatalyzers/

Ready to take the next step?

Download the FREE handout, "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day" and start making those daily shifts to break that shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in that negative headspace. https://adversityrising.com/handouts-all?category=Addressing+Shame Book a free 25-minute discovery call to discuss different program options and find the support best fits your needs. https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call

Stay Connected:

Subscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts and be sure to leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode. Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/untethering-shame/id1691795543

YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdqCNF8lI6hq8U2GNQsAJkQ Website: https://adversityrising.com

Your kids do not call. They do not visit. They do not show up the way you hoped they would. So you wait. You hope. And sometimes, without meaning to, you guilt.

Here is the truth. Healthy relationships do not grow from waiting or blaming. They grow when both people take ownership of how they show up. Your kids are grown, but your part in this relationship did not end. It shifted, and it is still yours.

In this episode I walk through how to take ownership of your relationship with your adult children:

How to reach out regularly without expecting something in return

How to be curious about their world without making it about your disappointment

Why offering support works and control does not

How to respect their boundaries even when it feels uncomfortable

Strong relationships are not about who is at fault. They are about who is willing to show up.

If this resonates and you want deeper support, book a free discovery call and we will map out your next step.

Book a discovery call: https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call More: https://adversityrising.com

This is part of my series on messy parent-child relationships. Subscribe so the next one finds you.

Why do so many people feel trapped in cycles of overthinking, people-pleasing, reassurance-seeking, and fear of abandonment, even when they logically know better?

In this episode, Kyira sits down with trauma-informed somatic relationship coach Valerie Rubin to unpack the deep connection between shame and anxious attachment. Together, they explore how anxious attachment develops, why it impacts so many high-functioning adults, and how relationship anxiety is often rooted in nervous-system survival rather than weakness or "neediness."

This conversation goes beyond surface-level attachment theory to examine:

• The shame driving anxious attachment patterns
• Self-abandonment in relationships
• Anxious and avoidant relationship dynamics
• The myth of complete independence
• How trauma impacts emotional safety
• Why healing requires both self-awareness and safe connection

Kyira and Valerie also discuss what true healing looks like through somatic work, self-compassion, inner-child healing, and nervous-system regulation, helping listeners move from survival mode into relationships rooted in security, honesty, and self-trust.

If you've ever felt like you were "too much," emotionally exhausted from overthinking relationships, or constantly trying to earn love and reassurance, this episode will help you understand why and remind you that healing is possible.

MORE ABOUT VALERIE

Valerie Rubin is a trauma-informed somatic relationship and anxious-attachment coach and the host of The Anxiety Recovery Podcast, a top 10% video podcast on Spotify. She helps people heal anxious attachment, relationship anxiety, and fear of abandonment by working with the nervous system rather than just the mind.

Valerie blends somatic tools, inner-child work, and attachment theory to help clients feel safe in love without overthinking, chasing, or self-abandoning. She has been featured on numerous podcasts and works with clients worldwide while living a digital-nomad lifestyle. Her work centers on turning anxiety into security and relationships into places of safety rather than survival.

CONNECT WITH VALERIE

Podcast Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/show/1UZDfyhUZgAGIdlEv5VP85

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/healwithval

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/423037886087059

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/valerierubin/

Website: https://stan.store/healwithval

READY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP?

Download the FREE handout, "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day," and start making those daily shifts to break the shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in a negative headspace.

https://adversityrising.com/handouts-all?category=Addressing+Shame

Book a free 25-minute discovery call to discuss different program options and find the support that best fits your needs.

https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call

STAY CONNECTED

Subscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and be sure to leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode.

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/untethering-shame/id1691795543

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdqCNF8lI6hq8U2GNQsAJkQ

Website: https://adversityrising.com

Is wanting control actually a problem, or is it the rigidity around it?

In Part 1 of this two-part conversation, licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha "Sami" Turetsky joins Kyira to explore overcontrol and Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT), a treatment designed for people who hold their emotions in too tightly rather than letting them spill out.

Kyira steps into the role of both interviewer and subject as they unpack how overcontrol can be wired in from birth and hardened by life experience, why it often hides behind traits our culture rewards, and how it can quietly lead to loneliness and disconnection.

Sami explains the two subtypes of overcontrol: overly agreeable people-pleasers and overly disagreeable "need to be right" folks. They explore why we're never as good at masking our feelings as we think we are, and how shame's urge to hide keeps people stuck.

Through real-life examples, including a family vacation itinerary, a ripped box of playing cards, and a toddler's nap schedule during COVID, they explore fixed versus fatalistic mind, why rumination feels like problem-solving but isn't, and the practice of self-inquiry.

Sami closes with a quick, body-based skill called the "Big Three Plus One" that you can use anywhere to help shift your nervous system out of threat mode.

MORE ABOUT DR. SAMI

Dr. Samantha Turetsky is a licensed clinical psychologist with more than a decade of experience specializing in eating disorders, perfectionism, and overcontrol. She particularly loves working with high achievers who look like they have it all together but feel unfulfilled and disconnected.

She is Level 2 trained in RO DBT and runs a fully virtual practice, licensed in Washington and all 43 PSYPACT states, where she also leads an RO DBT skills class.

CONNECT WITH DR. SAMI

Website: https://www.therapywithdrsami.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drsamanthaturetsky

READY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP?

Download the FREE handout, "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day," and start making daily shifts to break the shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in a negative headspace.

https://adversityrising.com/handouts-all?category=Addressing+Shame

Book a free 25-minute discovery call to discuss different program options and find the support that best fits your needs.

https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call

STAY CONNECTED

Subscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode.

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/untethering-shame/id1691795543

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdqCNF8lI6hq8U2GNQsAJkQ

Website: https://adversityrising.com

Should parents be best friends with their kids? Can my kid be my best friend? My answer is no, and here is why. Being close to your kids is beautiful. But when you try to be their best friend, especially once they are adults, the lines get blurry. Instead of staying the parent, you become a peer. And what feels like closeness to you can actually feel like pressure or a burden to them.

Here is the truth. Your child can have many friends. They only get one or two parents. And that role matters, even when they are grown. It means being willing to say it is never going to feel like 50-50. You will always give more than you receive. That is what it means to be a parent.

In this episode I walk through how to stay the parent as your kids grow up:

• Why being your child's best friend blurs the line

• How to shift from authority to respect

• How to be supportive without becoming dependent on them

• How to hold your own boundaries

They do not need another friend. They need a parent who respects their independence, supports them without strings, and shows up with steady, unconditional love.

If this resonates and you want deeper support, book a free discovery call and we will map out your next step.

Book a discovery call: https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call More: https://adversityrising.com

This is part of my series on messy parent-child

What if your anxiety isn't the real problem?

In this episode, somatic coach and Healing Embodied founder Chelsea Horton joins Kyira to unpack anxiety as a secondary emotion: the thing we feel when we're afraid of feeling something deeper, like rejection, loss, embarrassment, or shame.

Together, they explore why anxiety can feel safer than the feelings underneath it, how to tell the difference between normal human nervousness and anxiety that's disproportionate to the moment, and why one small comment can hit like a level ten when it "opens a door" to an old, unresolved story.

Chelsea introduces her "shame sandwich" (shame about having anxiety on top, the anxiety itself in the middle, and the core fear of being fundamentally broken on the bottom). Both women also get personal about parentification, emotional caretaking, money, and the deep discomfort of being cared for without having to earn it.

From a puppy-training binder to a loaf of bread that refused to rise, this conversation shows how conditional worth quietly shapes our relationships, and why saying the shame story out loud creates the space we need to finally question it.

MORE ABOUT CHELSEA

Chelsea Horton is a somatic coach, educator, and founder of Healing Embodied, where she trains wellness professionals and leaders to integrate somatics, creativity, and emotional healing into their work.

After experiencing shame and overwhelming anxiety that fueled self-doubt and overthinking, Chelsea discovered who she was beyond those patterns through her own embodied healing. Today, she helps others explore how embodiment can support their journey toward freedom from anxiety, fear, and shame.

CONNECT WITH CHELSEA

Website: https://www.healingembodied.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/healing.embodied

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@healing.embodied

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@healingembodied

FREE RESOURCE: 5 THINGS SHAME-RESILIENT PEOPLE DO EVERY DAY

Download the free handout and start making daily shifts to break the shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in a negative headspace.

https://adversityrising.com/handouts-all?category=Addressing+Shame

READY FOR MORE SUPPORT?

Book a free 25-minute discovery call to discuss program options and find the support that best fits your needs.

https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call

STAY CONNECTED WITH UNTETHERING SHAME

Subscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and leave a review to share your thoughts on this episode.

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/untethering-shame/id1691795543

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdqCNF8lI6hq8U2GNQsAJkQ

Website: https://adversityrising.com

"I would be so happy if you called more." "You are the only thing that makes my life worth it." These comments sound loving, but underneath they send a message: my happiness depends on you. And that is a burden no child, whether they are 5 or 55, should ever have to carry.

Here is the truth. Your kids can add joy to your life, but they cannot be the source of it. Happiness is an inside job.

In this episode I unpack how to reclaim your own happiness and let your kids off the hook:

• Why putting your happiness on your kids pushes them away

• How to build joy that is not dependent on your children

• How to give unconditional love, not love tied to performance

• How to find what makes you feel alive that is fully yours

When you stop making your kids responsible for your happiness, you free them, and you give yourself a fuller life too.

If this resonates and you want to go deeper, book a free discovery call and we will map out your next step.

Book a discovery call: https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call More: https://adversityrising.com

This is part of my series on messy parent-child relationships. Subscribe so the next one finds you.

Mistress Mia is back, and this conversation goes somewhere the first one didn't.

Mia is a Transformative Life Coach, Certified Therapeutic BDSM Practitioner, and Sacred Kink & Intimacy Coach. She is also a founding member of the Kink Professional Standards Alliance and the creator of The ARC Protocol™, a self-development program built around embodiment, resilience, and intentional BDSM.

In her first episode, we explored the psychology of power exchange, the Gateway Theory of pain, and how a truly non-judgmental space can unlock healing that more traditional approaches sometimes can't reach.

This episode goes deeper into the shame that brings people to Mia's work.

Mia talks about people carrying profound shame around their bodies, desires, curiosities, and even their need for penance—the feeling that they have done something wrong and somehow need to pay for it.

For many people, especially those from religious or conservative backgrounds, certain parts of themselves were never safe to acknowledge. They learned to hide—not just from the world, but from themselves.

And hiding doesn't neutralize shame. It can feed it.

In this conversation, Mia and Kyira explore:

• How shame rooted in desire and identity shows up in relationships• The impact of religious and cultural shame• Why hiding parts of yourself can make shame grow• The everyday ways we secretly punish ourselves• The difference between healthy and harmful pain• Why Mia sees shame as a core belief rather than simply an emotion• What happens when we stop hiding the parts of ourselves we've been taught to be ashamed of

Whether you've lived with this kind of shame for years, you're a clinician trying to better understand how it operates in your clients, or you've ever felt like part of who you are isn't safe to show, this episode is for you.

MORE ABOUT MIA

Mistress Mia is a Transformative Life Coach, Certified Therapeutic BDSM Practitioner, and Sacred Kink & Intimacy Coach who helps people step into their power, release shame, and claim lives that feel bold, authentic, and deeply their own.

Through The ARC Protocol™, sessions, workshops, writings, and coaching, Mistress Mia offers a grounded yet daring path to confidence, courage, and self-acceptance.

CONNECT WITH MIA

Website: https://thenestontario.comTikTok: @mistressmiapayneInstagram: @callmemistressmiaTelegram: @mistressmiapayneEmail: [email protected]

RESOURCES

Free handout: "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day"https://adversityrising.com/handouts-all?category=Addressing+Shame

Book a free 25-minute discovery call:https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call

Episode 1 with Mistress Mia:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaPZmQcEiyk

STAY CONNECTED

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/untethering-shame/id1691795543YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdqCNF8lI6hq8U2GNQsAJkQWebsite: https://adversityrising.comInstagram: @adversityrising