**Click HERE to learn more about Dr. Finlayson-Fife's Enhancing Sexual Intimacy course**

Many of us have been taught the misguided idea that to be virtuous we must be desireless.

Not all desires are created equal, and there is an important distinction to be made between our lower and higher desires. Lower desires are driven by our ego—they are self-serving, driven by our need to feel good, and are antithetical to spiritual development. Higher desires, on the other hand, encourage our growth and expansion, these are the desires that promote our development and increase our ability to love those around us.

The pursuit of our higher desires is not only worthwhile, it’s imperative to our psychological, emotional, and spiritual development.

In this episode, I joined Ryan and Jordan, hosts of The Stoic Dad podcast, to discuss the difference between higher and lower desires, the important distinction between wants and desires, productive and unproductive suffering, as well as what defines mature masculinity and the dynamics of attraction.

Want vs Desire

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a sex and relationship expert who has been interviewed for hundreds of podcasts.  You can access all the amazing content covering issues of faith, sexuality, integrity, belonging, and more right here on the interview archive! Dr. Finlayson-Fife is an LDS relationship and sexuality coach as well as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the state of Illinois. Dr. Finlayson-Fife also has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. The advice offered through any and all podcasts in which she is featured is educational and informational in nature and is provided only as general information. It is not meant to establish a therapist-patient relationship or offer therapeutic advice, opinion, diagnosis treatment or to establish a standard of care. The information contained in these communications is not comprehensive and does not include all the potential information regarding the subject matter, but is merely intended to serve as one resource for general and educational purposes.

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Making mistakes is a fundamental part of human development. 

Many of us were taught that if we followed the rules we could avoid the pain and frustration of making mistakes. And while it is true that leaning on the wisdom of others and making wise decisions can prevent suffering, none of us are exempt from the mistake-making process.

Because making mistakes isn’t an aberration from the plan, it is a process that is foundational to it. Mistakes, by design, are how we learn. 

As with all growth, mistake-making is an uncomfortable process. When our choices result in pain and suffering for ourselves or others, we can use the experience to learn and increase our wisdom or we can stay stuck in unproductive regret or simmering resentment. 

In this powerful discussion, Dr. Finlayson-Fife teases out the difference between regret, resentment, and remorse and offers clarity on what these unpleasant emotions can teach us about ourselves and the way we are showing up in our lives and relationships.
	
	You can watch the recording of conversation HERE.
	
	You can learn more about Room for Two, Dr. Finlayson-Fife's couples' coaching podcast, HERE. 

Regret, Remorse, and Resentment

**Learn more about Dr. Jennifer's How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex Course HERE**


	When we need the validation of our spouse, we severely limit our ability to be collaborative partners and parents.
	
	Growth and collaboration require a willingness to set our egos aside enough to consider differing perspectives and uncomfortable truths about ourselves. When our ego runs the show, we care more about proving we are right than working together to find a shared solution. 
	
	In this NEW conversation with Crystal of The Parenting Coach Podcast, Dr. Finlayson-Fife discusses how we can create healthier, more collaborative partnerships even when our partner is not invested in creating positive change.
	
	Listen to the full episode to learn more about:
	
	* Resentment and what it can teach us
	* The power of gratitude

* Navigating disagreements with wisdom and maturity 

*The problem with validation seeking
	* Improving relationships unilaterally
	* How to talk to children about sexuality / pornography
	
	You can learn more about Crystal HERE. 

Parenting and Partnership

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TJ and Ashley’s story is a familiar one for many. 


	Their marriage started out happily enough. They were young college students and enjoyed each other a lot during their first few years together. But things changed when TJ started graduate school during an economic downturn. TJ felt a tremendous amount of anxiety about his financial future, given the dim prospects for most students at the time. Competition was fierce and in TJ’s determination to ensure his family’s economic stability, he dedicated himself to his studies, leaving little time or emotional bandwidth for anything else, including Ashley.
	
	


This period of limited connection was difficult for Ashley, and it persisted long after graduate school and into TJ’s high-demand career. While disappointed at first, eventually Ashley shifted her focus away from the marriage and created a comfortable, happy, and fulfilling life as a friend and mother. 


	


To the outsider, TJ and Ashley’s relationship may look idyllic–TJ excelling professionally, Ashley busily involved with friends and her community, both invested and caring parents– but their marriage is much more brittle than meets the eye. Resentment and hostility have been simmering under the surface for more than a decade with TJ feeling unappreciated and unacknowledged for the sacrifices he has made to provide for his family and Ashley feeling neglected and unnoticed (except when TJ is wanting sexual attention).
	
	


In this episode of Room for Two, Dr. Finlayson-Fife helps the couple think through the long term trajectory of their marriage and how they are undermining their current and future happiness by functioning in such a non-collaborative way. She helps Ashley see the rejection that permeates her interactions with TJ and teaches that the path forward is to stop walling and avoiding and to start looking honestly at herself, her real desires for the relationship, and her role in the lack of intimacy in the marriage.
	
	Be sure to subscribe to Room for Two TODAY to listen to the full episode! 

Underinvested: The Disappointing Dividends of a Role-Based Marriage || Room for Two Teaser

**JOIN US IN AUSTIN for the Art of Desire Workshop!**
	The process of developing our psychological muscles isn’t all that different from the process of developing our physical muscles.


	Both are difficult.
	
	Both involve discomfort.
	
	Both require time, persistence, and patience.
	
	And both are easiest when we have a motivation that propels us through the discomfort.


	


Fear, self-hatred, and compliance with external expectations are poor motivators. Living according to our higher selves and striving to embody what we value are much stronger motivators! 


	Our ability to grow, develop, and live in line with our higher selves hinges upon our willingness to look truthfully at ourselves and our circumstances, and make choices from a deeper internal authority.


	


In this NEW episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Amber Brueseke of Biceps After Babies Radio to discuss the important role that self-honesty and self-definition play in our relationship to our bodies as well as in our emotional, spiritual, and relational development. 

Learning to Love, Respect, and Accept Yourself

**JOIN US for the Art of Desire Workshop in Austin, TX! Click HERE for more information!**
	
	In this NEW episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife takes questions from her audience about desire dynamics and the unique challenges faced by both the higher-desire spouse and the lower-desire spouse. In the discussion Dr. Finlayson-Fife discusses how couples can work together to create a more collaborative dynamic and what to do if only one spouse is interested in addressing the desire discrepancy.
	
	Listen to the full episode to learn more about:
	
	* Difficult Conversations
	* Dealing with Disappointment
	* Accommodation vs Choosing
	* Power Struggles in Marriage

* The Pursuer / Distancer dynamic
	* Addressing conflict with honesty and compassion
	
	If you would like to learn more about this topic, consider enrolling in Dr. Finlayson-Fife's Enhancing Sexual Intimacy course!

Want vs Desire

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