Do you ever hear your daughter negatively comparing herself to other people and feel at a loss as to how to help her? Today’s podcast will offer parents a short but sweet and effective tool to keep your daughter from discouraging herself.
At a recent retreat for middle school girls, an 8th grade girl I’ll call Natalia thru tears described how she gets up every morning before school at 4 AM in order to put on makeup, fix her hair perfectly, and try on as many as 7-10 outfits to get just the right one. She has been trying desperately to be accepted into a group of popular girls who she described as, “the pretty girls.” She tries to dress like them and talk like them in an effort to be seen and included. And when she’s not included, she has let it mean that she is ugly and unattractive.
The mirror neurons in our brain are always watching other people to figure out what are others doing and saying in order to understand their tribe’s social mores. For 150,000 years, if you got kicked out of the tribe, you died, and so belonging to a group meant survival. That logic still plays out today for us all but especially during those vulnerable times like middle school where it’s normal to feel some self-doubt and uncertainty about yourself due to all of the changes you are undergoing.
Here's what we taught Natalia and the other 19 girls: if you see something you like in another person, like you think she looks pretty today or you like how easily she makes new friends, instead of making it mean something bad about you, go and affirm them instead. Their strengths mean nothing bad about you unless you let it.
Summary: So, parents can teach their daughters to catch themselves when they are comparing themselves to others and encourage them to go to that person and give them the compliment and don’t let it mean anything about them. This will result in girls being less discouraged and less self-critical and more confident.
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