Your Stupid Minds

Our first foray into the pudgy ponytailed Judo master Steven Seagal, it’s one of his earliest films: Hard to Kill! Mason Storm is the greatest cop in the world, fantastic father, amazing lover, and extremely well hung. When he’s gunned down by the mob while having hot sex with his gorgeous wife, he’s in a coma for seven years and misses the transition of one (1) president. He awakens in 1990 to find the mob still after him, and his British nurse (Kelly LeBrock) hitting on his unconscious body. See Steven Seagal snap necks, suck in his gut, and run like a little girl.

From the studio that brought you the Lord of the Rings trilogy, it's the vastly inferior fantasy tale Dungeons & Dragons! Taking a cue from Star Wars (by which we mean ripped off wholesale), D&D tells the story of the thief Ridley (Justin Whalen) and his cowardly black stereotype friend Snails (Marlon Wayans). The pair teams up with a mage, dwarf, and elf to get a map to acquire the jewel to get the rod to do something or whatever. Also starring Thora Birch as the Amidala-like empress, and the always amazing Jeremy Irons as the evil mage Profion. Chris and Nick compare the movie to other fantasy dreck (such as the eerily similar Eragon, also starring Irons), the anti-Semitic Legolas in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, why the Hero's Journey doesn't work for a D&D movie, and who thought it was a good idea to add areolae to the Elf's breastplate.

If you enjoy Pulp Fiction, you'll love our latest review: American Strays! It's a movie that feels like a grad school writing project written the day after watching Pulp Fiction! Like Pulp Fiction, it features an all-star ensemble cast, as Eric Roberts (DOA, The Expendables), Sam Jones (Flash Gordon), Luke Perry (90210), John Savage (The Godfather Part 3), Scott Plank (recurring on Melrose Place), Jennifer Tilly (Bride of Chucky), and Carol Kane (everything) all feature in several interconnecting extended monologues delivered by various criminals. Join us as we discuss tragic real-life shootings, wonder how bad diner service can get, and ponder if this is the worst Eric Roberts performance we've ever seen. Guest starring museum librarian and power listener Sarah Long.

We finally cover the much maligned, needlessly complex, and American-ified The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen starring Sean Connery in his last big-screen role. Sloppily adapted from an Alan Moore comic, LXG as Moore would not want to call it is about a group of British literary characters who form the first super team at the end of the 19th century. Allan Quatermain, Mina Harker, Dorian Gray, the Invisible Man, Mr. Hyde, Captain Nemo and (sigh) Tom Sawyer team up to stop the Fantom, who seeks to… blow up some things and… steal some powers. Chris and Nick discuss plans for a B-Team League, as well as a super team featuring real characters of history. A poor impersonation of Ira Glass appears to plead for your support.

You WILL get fooled again… with another vampire episode before we finish out October. It's the exploitation direct-to-Showtime comic book adaptation, 1996's Vampirella. On the planet Drakulon, featuring a race of alien Vampires that drinks rivers of blood, Vampirella (Talisa Soto, a.k.a. Kitana from Mortal Kombat) travels to earth to avenge her father's murder by the puffy-shirted Vlad (Roger Daltrey of The Who/YEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH). The sexily dressed vamp retains none of the weaknesses of Vlad's dumb vampire clan, and she works with the secret MIB-style organization PURGE and its hotshot agent Adam Van Helsing (Richard Joseph Paul) to bring Vlad down and teach the earth a thing or who about bloodsucking, cleavage, and child murder.

Dario Argento returns with his unique take on the well-traversed Dracula story... but this time in 3D! Daughter Asia Argento and Rutger Hauer get in on the fun as we explore the wonders of CGI wolves, horrible French accents, poorly-designed jails, nudity, partially rendered computer animation, and giant killer praying mantises. Everything you remember from Bram Stoker's seminal work! The always hilarious Adam Pecht guest stars in this episode.

One of the most infuriating movies of all time, it's Miley Cyrus's vanity project LOL! About a bunch of privileged, Adonis-like bourgeois white kids from inner-city Chicago, LOL sets itself up as social commentary and then never delivers. Featuring Queen Twerker Miley Cyrus as the obnoxious Lola, the film putters around for a while before deciding to include a trip to 18th century France and an obligatory third act battle of the bands.

Your Stupid Minds returns to its roots with a very special "wrestler" themed podcast as we review the 2000 buddy/road movie/wrestling commercial Ready to Rumble. David Arquette and Scott Caan play two... sanitation workers(?) that love wrestling, and when evil promoter Titus Sinclair (Joe Pantoliano) performs a classic "screwjob" to take the belt from their hero, Jimmy King (Oliver Platt), the two help to train King for his big re-match with the evil Diamond Dallas Page.

By listener request, it's 2003's epic Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez flop Gigli! Two low-level mobsters kidnap the mentally handicapped brother (Justin Bartha) of the District Attorney and house him in Ben Affleck's lush Los Angeles condo. Meanwhile Jennifer Lopez goes on long rambling rants about how great her vagina is, and Justin Bartha sings "Baby Got Back" in mentally handicapped blackface. We discuss Al Pacino's descent into acting madness, the unrealistic stage-y nature of this film, its (possibly exaggerated) reputation, and eerie casting parallels to Tommy Wiseau's The Room.

Jonah Hex begs the question "Is an 81 minute movie with no plot still a movie?" Starring Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, Megan Fox, and Michael Fassbender, Hex goes after Quentin Turnbull, the man who murdered his family and scarred his face. Meanwhile Turnbull executes a series of daring raids to assemble a superweapon designed by none-other than famous inventor guy Eli Whitney! Our special guest Pat Regan, who portrayed an extra in the film, provides us with exclusive anecdotes from the set, be it the second unit's insightful direction ("do some stuff!") or the insane Civil War re-enactors the production hired instead of stuntmen.