Your Stupid Minds

It's Who Framed Roger Rabbit for perverts: 1992's Cool World! Holli Would (Kim Basinger), a nymphomaniac cartoon character attempts to seduce Jack Deebs (Gabriel Byrne), a hugely popular comic book creator who may be suffering from mental problems. Holli draws Jack into the "cool world," a horrible nightmare world where cartoon characters murder each other all day. Meanwhile Detective Frank Harris (Pitt) tries to keep the peace and enforce the most important law of Cool World: that noids (humans) and doodles (cartoons) cannot, under any circumstances, have sex.

Stock up on quarters and let's head down to the arcade. It's Uwe Boll's first foray into the video game movie with 2003's House of the Dead. A group of teenage 20-something 30 year olds bribe a cartoonish fisherman (Clint Howard) and a grizzled U-Boat captain (Jürgen Prochnow) into taking them to an island in the Pacific Northwest for the most awesomest daytime rave coastal British Columbia has ever seen! They're attacked by zombies and an insane Spanish scientist who wants to be immortal by living forever. Featuring special guest Nathan Smith.

We prep for this weekend's Pacific Rim with the OTHER non-Japanese live-action robot fighting movie: Stuart Gordon's Robot Jox! In a post apocalyptic world where war is banned, noted illiterate Achilles (Gary Graham) wows the drunken NASCAR crowd with his elite robot fighting skills against the thinly-veiled Soviet Alexander (Paul Koslo), as they duke it out for precious Alaskan resources. Also there is a robot chainsaw penis.

Special guest and resident James Bond expert Vincent Goodwin picks one of his most loathed 007 films: 1977's The Spy Who Loved Me. Starring Roger Moore as Bond, and Ringo Starr's coked-out wife Barbara Bach as the porno inspired Agent XXX, this one features the super-ish villain Stromberg as he kidnaps way more nuclear subs than he needs in order to fulfill his lifelong fantasy of a world under the sea. The film also introduces the metal-toothed Jaws (Richard Kiel) and makes very little sense, jumping from action setpiece to action setpiece as Roger Moore diddles around in front of a rear projection screen and insults women drivers. It does feature the great but bizarrely mellow karaoke staple "Nobody Does It Better" as its theme.

M. Night Shyamalan writes and directs this adaptation of the popular Nickelodean show. It has the same skilled writing and energized fight scenes as the show except not at all. It's actually a stilted rushed mess that muddies up the quality of the source material, laden with lazy exposition and non-sensical character mood swings. And everyone mispronounces their own names. Starring the kid from Slumdog Millionaire and no one else.

The dour looking woman from Men in Black and Dogma (Linda Fiorentino) and David Caruso (YEEEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!) star in this Joe Eszterhas-penned William Friedkin directed erotic thriller about a detective Assistant District Attorney investigating his ex-girlfriend as a possible murderer. Aside being very well shot, and some really awesome car chases, this leaves something to be desired. The ending is also especially infuriating.

Take a ride with Chris and Nick through the streets of Tokyo as 30 year old teenager Sean (Lucas Black) learns the ins and outs of balding his tires with ruthless efficiency in The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Bow Wow appears as a normal teenager who deals not drugs and Sonny Chiba classes up this movie about ten fold.

Get ready for some ancient Roman sword and sandal fun! Except for, of course, the 25 minute rape torture dungeon lull in the third act. It's Roger Cormon's Red Sonja ripoff Barbarian Queen! Starring Phil Spector's murder victim (Lana Clarkson), the Queen embarks on an ill-conceived mission to avenge her village's destruction and rescue her hunky fiance Argan.

Journey with us, gentle listener, as we go back to a simpler time. A more wholesome time. A time before Hollywood had put the Hays Code into force. A time when America looked for a hero to create jobs, put an end to gangsterism, and finally shut down Congress once and for all! In 1933 MGM gave us such a hero in Gabriel Over the White House, the stirring story of a man getting hit on the head and hearing angelic voices that tell him to heroically bully his way into becoming a benevolent dictator.

A surprising number of good comedic actors star in this big budget squeakeuel. Alvin and the gang send Dave (Jason Lee) to the hospital with what I assume is an irreversible spinal injury, so they go off to high school to complete in some charity concert. Meanwhile their conniving former manager Ian (David Cross) uses his new act the Chipettes, a demographically equal female version of the Chipmunks, to sabotage the brothers by singing "Single Ladies" twelve times in a row. Also there's a football game and I think they pilot an RC helicopter.