Zero F*cks Given

A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE. The most appropriate show in ZFGP history. Mrs. Jean Buechler born in 1924 has seen a lot of things in her lifetime. Heather has the pleasure of caring for her on the daily so knows her stories are one's to be remembered. She has a very special place in our hearts and we hope that she touches your heart's too. This episode is dedicated to Lauren Raftery Deise who was a big supporter of our podcast. She was taken to soon. We planned on having her on and for that I (Heather) deeply regret.  Cheers to you in Heaven girl, I know you are having a glass of wine with Jesus.

"Licks and moans may quake my bones, but dames with dicks excite me!!!"  HaHAA!  There are so fucking many fetishes, it's hard to keep track.  We all know about S&M, choking and shit of that nature.  You know, the more popular shit.  But what about the dirty little kinks that nobody speaks about?  We're talking feet fuckers, body part munchers, mannequin molesters, dung stompers and then some...  There is no shortage of abnormal fixations for your little heart to desire or get off on.  If you can think it, it shall be.  Best believe there is someone out there making it rain golden showers in the name of R. Kelly.  So grab a seat, sit back and get ready to discover some new possibilities for your love life.  And if you're driving that beautiful hot rod, park it somewhere safe (or not) while you listen and pleasure yourself with edible cock-resembling veggies....  WHAT?!  It's no secret you fuck that cucumber on the regular...  Frankly, you're not alone...

"Baby let me rub you up and down.... till you say stop."

Lesbian in DA house!!! What better way to talk lesbian talk than with our girl Shayla aka "Shay" aka "Lala" aka "Shayshay" .. call her whatever you'd like as long as you moan while you do. "And then there was this girl" .. "that girl" she says .. what a delight. But then you got those detours you gotta make after the "sniff test" .. Whether it's your aroma and or pheromones it's all about the "mood situation". Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. "You better EARN that shit" Shay says. Let's keep it real Shays got game in different area codes. If things are hot and ready and steaming she's bringing in the train. There's no stopping this bitch. Choo, chooooooooo!! But she's fuckin' tired of doing all the God damn work!! "Can someone can take control?!!? Let's get into double sided dildos and bunk beds. She'll be sharing her "Epic Moment" with us .. personally delegated, composed and directed by her. "Switch your hand, you touch me, you touch her, I'm going to touch you, you're going to put your tongue in her, she's going to put her tongue in me.."

"Its the one and only D.R.E!"

We rollin' on DUBS, we hit episode TWENTY TWEN.....so we're Mobbin' this podcast with Heather's girl Andrea...aka "DRE"! She is a well known cunt in this cluster fucks of bitches. We talk about balancing the life of Partying and Parenting. Seriously though....Just have the big ones watch the little ones...go out and have a good time. Or stay home, throw your friends hat in the fire and tell your kid your just sick. Whatever floats your fucking boat. We don't judge here! Since we are big time now hitting 20 Episodes we have some of the first friends that came into our podcast lives... Jason with @SHWYPN Shit Happens When You Party Naked Podcast and Jason with @madfatloud Heavyweight Chumps Podcast on to help us play a twisted game of "Would you Rather" #podcastpimps! Shoutouts to @poyboypod @BroHoneyPodcast & @Blunt_Mommy for some fun questions that brought some insane reactions.

"And these....foolish games.... are tearing...me apart...."  This episode is certainly foolish and full of games!  Sorry Jewel.  With all these slang words, terms and phrases floating around the internet - why not have a little fun with it?!  Teri quizzes Daisy and Heather on their knowledge of her random Urban Dictionary findings.  Of course we have surprise guests that join us!  Hungry?  Forget the snickers!  How bout a Raffo Special or a Boston Pancake?  If you're just seeking a sweet dessert, you can always settle for a Jr. Frosty.  If you're really special though, you probably walk around sporting a Unicorn while at a Redneck Reunion partaking in some ballcuzi type soaking.  Hey - who invited the Hulk?!  Honestly, we just wonder if people actually do this shit!!!  Special dedication of this episode to Teri's little brother, Billy.  We all hope you are feeling well and heal quickly, Red Liger!  May the fire crotch be with you!  Huge thanks to Paycheck and Red ( @paycheckandred ), Danny ( @WITGpodcast ) and last but not least David and Jeremy (@idontknowpodcast ).

Can you cook with a limp noodle is the question? Let's get the facts straight. An average erect penis is 5.2". An average flaccid penis is 3.6". So what percentile out there have a smaller penis?  In general 5% - that's 5/100 which measures out to be 3.9". So basically you're working with a stale ingredient either way. Thank goodness it's only 5/100 out there. As others in my area of location, don't need to worry. Because it seems to be I've come across all 5 of those. But let's keep it real from ED, to alcohol, stress, dehydration (drink more water mother fukers) to dead teeth (hit the fuken dentist office yo) to smoking that weed. There are tricky situations that contribute to it. Heather can't relate to any of this by the way. She's been working that pre-cooked noodle for 17 years now...BITCH don't kill my vibe... "Switch up the strategy", says one of our guest Curtis from Bearded Idiots ( @_beardedidiots ). Dave from Man Brain Podcast ( @manbrain69 ) says "entertain yourself". I say, "I don't give a FuK what you do, just resuscitate that bitch and get it going!" Take a piss first, I don't know. Get a hooker like Hank Evans ( @HankEvans1969 ). Our past guest, Mikey, has never had this problem but if he did he'd take the bitch to In-N-Out Burger ( @innoutburger ) to lighten the situation. I mean .. .. he might be onto something there. Dustin, our stoner and last guest reverts to eating that pussy and ass. Not a bad idea either. I say eat me out and buy me an In-N-Out Burger and I'm solid. Next. Teri bounces out in the end.  She must of had the right noodle to cook with.

"I'm in love with the shape of you. We push and pull like a magnet do. Although my heart is falling too. I'm in love with your body!"  Would you ever believe it if we told you that Heather and her man, TJ, fuck it out to Ed Sheeran?  Yea, I know - SHOCKING!  Definitely pictured more Nine Inch Nails, "I wanna fuck you like an animal!"  Just goes to show you, that you never really know!  Back on track...  In this episode, TJ joins us to discuss his long term commitment with powerhouse Heather.  We get to the bottom of why they've stayed together for so long, what positions they like the best, if there's ever any grudge type reactions after they make up, why Heather is still convinced his sperm is good for her zits and also how wicked smart TJ's fingers and dick can be when it comes to finding out whether Heather is preggers or not...  Yep, he's called all three of her last pregnancies.  So not only is he the "White Snoop" he also has the ability of performing gynecological tasks.  Fuck stopping at the drugstore for those pregnancy tests ladies!  For a small fee, TJ can get you the answers you need quick, fast and in a hurry!  So, if you're curious about cement dumping, dick kisses, Mexican tripods and the secret to staying together forever...  This show is sure not to disappoint!

Special shout outs to some of our podcasting peeps.  We are super stoked and honored because we recently were invited to be part of Drama City Productions Network ( @DCPNetwork ).  More shout outs to Small Town Mentality Podcast ( @STMPod ), Heavy Weight Chumps Podcast ( @madfatloud ), Bearded Dad Podcast ( @BeardedDadPod ), Bearded Idiots Podcast ( @_beardedidiots ) and last but not least Sac Em Up Sundays Podcast ( @SacEmUpSundays ).  If y'all haven't listened to them, you definitely need to quit denying your ear holes the pleasure they deserve and get on that shit!

"I guess he's an X-box, and I'm more Atari... But the way you play your game ain't fair!"  In this episode, our guest Mikey makes a connection with CeeLo Green on dating rejections.  No, CeeLo is not on the podcast...  We're comparing Mikey's situation to the song "Fuck You" by CeeLo.  Who needs an artist when you have a guest like ours?!  Mikey is a pretty big deal in Buckeye!  If you don't know him, you live under a rock and your ass is square.  Lets get back on track!  The dating world can be cruel.  Does this sound like deja vu???  And with all those dating sites for a growing, socially introverted population, deception may not be indicated through the safe-haven of private chats and text messages but it's very much real.  Profile pic looks like Traci Lords - in person she's more like Hatchet Face!  Mikey shares one experience he had after talking with a supposed "cool" chic online for a couple weeks.  SPOILER ALERT!!!  There was no happy ending.  He also shares his opinion about which dating sites he prefers.  And Ladies!!!  If you give it up on the first date, he may feel there's nothing to work for.  Not only will you be humiliated that he made you believe it would be fine to bump uglies but your true colors will be exposed.  As in, we will all get to see every single personality that resides in your crazy ass on social media after you implode.  We recommend Mikey use his mom as a wing-man.  Any guy that is looking for a woman to keep her mouth closed, legs open and sandwiches coming clearly needs their mommy as a wing-man... Clearly...  He was just joking feminists.  Calm your tits!  When all else fails, just hook up with that special cougar / sugar daddy!  They're more mature AND experienced.  We want to remind Mikey to stay away from the geriatrics though.  Just because they love beards, doesn't mean it's right, man!

"Looking in your big brown eye... Girl, I want to make you sweat!  Sweat till you can't sweat no more... And if you cry out...  I'm gonna push it!  Push it, push it some more..."  Was Inner Circle referring to anal with "Sweat" or are we just reading into this one???  This is a very entertaining podcast because we have a special guest that goes by the name of Moose.  However, for our own spiteful satisfaction, we are going to refer to him as Mooseknuckle.  So lets do a quick and painful overview of this episode.  Our guest gets confused regarding pitching vs catching and inadvertently admits to more than he wanted to.  This isn't so shocking when he reminisces about a girl - er, wait... A guy?  Shit, we don't know.  As he refers to this human, IT likes it rough!  He then assumes us three dumb broads think that our g-spots live in our assholes when he sets us straight by explaining females can't have an anal orgasm.  FUCKING MIND BLOWN!!!!  Since he enjoys anal enemas, sphincter shaves, butthole bleaching and pedicures - we foresee a possible coming out party for the Mooseknuckle, with cake of course.  Fast forward, we get expert advice regarding lube and toys.  Can you say coconut oil with a magic wand?  Looking to buy, checkout a Lelo Sona, Soraya or cock ring.  Their products are amazing.  And finally, for all you peeps out there that love to back that ass up on the D, check out "Legendary Twerk and Booty Bounce PMV" on Pornhub.  The link will be in the comments.

Shout outs:  Special thanks from us to Charlie for inviting his friends to like our FB page!  Also, Mooseknuckle loves Nate with the Midas Touch...  Really now?!  As usual, thank you to all of our listeners/followers!!!  We fucking appreciate you!  Much love to some of our fellow podcasters: The HeavyWeight Chumps @madfatloud , Po' Boy Podcast @poboypod , Bro Honey Podcast @brohoneypodcast and last but certainly not least Real Man Brain Podcast @manbrain69 . You motherfuckers are awkwardly stimulating to our funny bones!

"You need to seek counseling, and get some good advice...  Any bitch will tell you, a big dick sure feel nice!"  H.W.A sure wasn't holding back with those "Little Dick" lyrics.  And honestly, I don't believe most women do anymore.  This topic is sure to make some of our men listeners a wee-bit uncomfortable, pun intended.  However, it should also make some of our women listeners a little self-conscious.  Sometimes, it ain't the dick that's the problem.  It's your loosey goosey vagina ladies.  Bust out those kegels on the daily girls.  My gyno once told me a good place to do them is at a stop light.  Squeeze and hold for 10 seconds repeating it several times before the light turns green.  You're welcome for the free advice!  And men, if you're dealing with a case of "Napoleon Syndrome" in your britches, they have pumps and penis extenders at adult stores all across the country.  Don't be ashamed, just come to the table prepared if you know you're less endowed.  Also remember that just because Slutty Sally thinks your weenie is more itsy bitsy then her polka dot bikini, doesn't mean Willing Wilma will concur.  Different strokes for different folks.  We want to give some quick shout-outs to a couple of our peer podcasters.  They have been very welcoming of us and even made us giggle a time or two with their creativeness.  You can find them on Instagram by searching @idontknowpodcast and @partynakedpodcast .  Shit Happens When You Party Naked can also be found on Twitter @SHWYPN .  Now let's see who can do the best helicopter dick!