Counselor Toolbox Podcast with DocSnipes

1058-Overcoming Defensiveness_ The Key to Active Listening

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What is Defensiveness?

  • Defensiveness occurs when individuals feel emotionally or psychologically unsafe, leading them to put up barriers in communication.
  • It can manifest as fight (verbal aggression) or flight (withdrawing and shutting down).
  • Defensiveness often indicates past experiences of betrayal, disrespect, or invalidation that leave people on guard.

    • Causes of Defensiveness

    • Traumatic experiences or past emotional injuries.
    • Triggers from discussing sensitive or difficult topics.
    • Hypervigilance, where individuals expect others to hurt or criticize them, based on prior negative interactions.

      • How Defensiveness Shows Up in Communication

      • Aggressive responses like "Yes, but…", which aim to shut down feedback.
      • Violation of boundaries, where defensive individuals invalidate others' thoughts and feelings to protect themselves.
      • Resistance to feedback or unwillingness to listen and engage, often resulting in emotional shutdown.

        • Impact of Defensiveness

        • Breaks down communication, creating a barrier to resolving conflicts.
        • Triggers others to respond defensively, escalating tension in personal or professional settings.
        • Damages interpersonal relationships by conveying a lack of respect or empathy.

          • Vulnerabilities That Lead to Defensiveness

          • Physical conditions (pain, exhaustion) can increase irritability and defensiveness.
          • Emotional states like anxiety, stress, or feeling overwhelmed make individuals more prone to defensive reactions.
          • Environmental triggers, such as being criticized in front of peers, can make people feel attacked or embarrassed.

            • Strategies to Reduce Defensiveness

            • Mindfulness: Stay grounded and recognize defensive feelings before reacting.
            • Active Listening: Validate others’ perspectives and try to understand their point of view.
            • Boundaries: Set clear emotional and interpersonal boundaries to ensure respectful communication.
            • Reframing: Shift focus from taking feedback personally to understanding that criticism is about behaviors, not personal worth.

              Managing Defensiveness in Others

              • Approach defensive individuals with empathy and curiosity.
              • Encourage open and respectful dialogue by providing a safe space to express feelings without judgment.
              • Avoid pushing for agreement on sensitive topics—sometimes, agreeing to disagree is the healthiest option.

                • Breaking the Cycle of Defensiveness

                • Focus on objective facts rather than emotions when discussing issues.
                • Use "I" statements to express feelings without blaming others.
                • Practice self-regulation techniques, like deep breathing or taking breaks during heated discussions, to prevent defensive escalation.


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                  Counselor Toolbox Podcast with DocSnipesBy Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
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