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134. Stage 2 Mini Series-Caregiver Nightmares: Being Ready for the Predictable Worst Case Scenarios
Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other.
In this episode of “Push the Leading Edge”, James Hawkins and Ryan Rana dive into one of the most anxiety‑provoking parts of EFT: when the caregiving system red-lights right in the middle of beautiful vulnerability. Drawing on attachment theory and years of EFT training experience, they explore “caregiving nightmares”—those predictable moments when a partner can’t respond with comfort, even when their loved one is wide open and reaching.
They unpack how pursuers and withdrawers each bring their attachment strategies into the caregiving role: withdrawers often “loan out their avoidance” as a form of love, and pursuers “up the ante” as their way of fighting for the bond. Rather than shaming these moves or bypassing them to “get to the heart,” James and Ryan show how to move toward the blocks themselves as emotional material, validating the attachment logic inside them and using structured, attuned interventions to help partners reclaim their caregiving systems.
With rich clinical examples, regulation strategies for therapists, and practical language you can use tomorrow, this episode helps you trust the process, trust the caregiving system, and stay with the red lights long enough for new attachment experiences to emerge.
Main Points from the Episode
- Focus on stage 2 / step 6 caregiving positions, and the “back half” of vulnerable enactments.
- The “red light” is the blocked caregiving system: the partner can’t offer simple comfort even when they want to.
- Withdrawers as caregivers:
- “Loan out their avoidance” or self-reliance: advice, positivity, “be comfortable in your own skin.”
- This is a form of love and responsiveness, but often misattuned.
- Pursuers as caregivers:
- “Up the ante”: test, push, or kick the tires on vulnerability (“it’s just words,” “you only do this in here”).
- Driven by hope and fear of being dropped again.
- Pre‑regulate before couples sessions; expect blocks as part of the process, not a failure.
- If the therapist dysregulates, you now have three protection systems in the room.
- Steps:
1. Regulate yourself.
2. Offer an attuned, assertive interruption (contain the cycle).
3. Give 3–5 concrete validations of the withdrawer’s strategy as attachment‑driven care.
4. Reframe the strategy’s attachment function (“this is how you love/protect”).
5. Then gently move toward the part that wants to reach.
- Don’t bypass the strategy; work with it as emotional material.
- Normalize that pursuers often lash out or test the first vulnerabilities they’ve begged for.
- Validate their vision, hope, and fight for the relationship (3–5 validations).
- Help them notice their somatic/empathic response to the partner’s pain (1% of reach or comfort).
- Avoid shaming language like “you’re going to your head.”
- “Magic” 3–5 validations to regulate a nervous system.
- Sue Johnson’s idea: clients often don’t really hear you until about the 5th repetition.
- After a strong send + strong red light, layer tourniquets on the sender so they:
- Feel caught and not blamed.
- Are reinforced to risk again.
- Never make the sender give up their experience just to soothe the blocked caregiver.
- Leanne Campbell’s idea: trusting the process = trusting the caregiving system.
- People do know how to care; the cycle paralyzes access.
- Our job is to create conditions for that caregiving instinct to re‑emerge experientially.
- Both pursuer protest and withdrawer avoidance are hopeful, survival strategies.
- Change often comes through “begrudging respect”: seeing a partner fight their old pattern for the relationship.
We aim to equip therapists with practical tools and encouragement for addressing relational distress. We're also excited to be part of the team behind Success in Vulnerability (SV)—your premier online education platform. SV offers innovative instruction to enhance your therapeutic effectiveness through exclusive modules and in-depth clinical examples.
Stay connected with us:
If you like the concepts discussed on this podcast you can explore our online training program, Success in Vulnerability (SV).
Thank you for being part of our community. Let's push the leading edge together!
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By theleadingedgeineft
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Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other.
In this episode of “Push the Leading Edge”, James Hawkins and Ryan Rana dive into one of the most anxiety‑provoking parts of EFT: when the caregiving system red-lights right in the middle of beautiful vulnerability. Drawing on attachment theory and years of EFT training experience, they explore “caregiving nightmares”—those predictable moments when a partner can’t respond with comfort, even when their loved one is wide open and reaching.
They unpack how pursuers and withdrawers each bring their attachment strategies into the caregiving role: withdrawers often “loan out their avoidance” as a form of love, and pursuers “up the ante” as their way of fighting for the bond. Rather than shaming these moves or bypassing them to “get to the heart,” James and Ryan show how to move toward the blocks themselves as emotional material, validating the attachment logic inside them and using structured, attuned interventions to help partners reclaim their caregiving systems.
With rich clinical examples, regulation strategies for therapists, and practical language you can use tomorrow, this episode helps you trust the process, trust the caregiving system, and stay with the red lights long enough for new attachment experiences to emerge.
Main Points from the Episode
- Focus on stage 2 / step 6 caregiving positions, and the “back half” of vulnerable enactments.
- The “red light” is the blocked caregiving system: the partner can’t offer simple comfort even when they want to.
- Withdrawers as caregivers:
- “Loan out their avoidance” or self-reliance: advice, positivity, “be comfortable in your own skin.”
- This is a form of love and responsiveness, but often misattuned.
- Pursuers as caregivers:
- “Up the ante”: test, push, or kick the tires on vulnerability (“it’s just words,” “you only do this in here”).
- Driven by hope and fear of being dropped again.
- Pre‑regulate before couples sessions; expect blocks as part of the process, not a failure.
- If the therapist dysregulates, you now have three protection systems in the room.
- Steps:
1. Regulate yourself.
2. Offer an attuned, assertive interruption (contain the cycle).
3. Give 3–5 concrete validations of the withdrawer’s strategy as attachment‑driven care.
4. Reframe the strategy’s attachment function (“this is how you love/protect”).
5. Then gently move toward the part that wants to reach.
- Don’t bypass the strategy; work with it as emotional material.
- Normalize that pursuers often lash out or test the first vulnerabilities they’ve begged for.
- Validate their vision, hope, and fight for the relationship (3–5 validations).
- Help them notice their somatic/empathic response to the partner’s pain (1% of reach or comfort).
- Avoid shaming language like “you’re going to your head.”
- “Magic” 3–5 validations to regulate a nervous system.
- Sue Johnson’s idea: clients often don’t really hear you until about the 5th repetition.
- After a strong send + strong red light, layer tourniquets on the sender so they:
- Feel caught and not blamed.
- Are reinforced to risk again.
- Never make the sender give up their experience just to soothe the blocked caregiver.
- Leanne Campbell’s idea: trusting the process = trusting the caregiving system.
- People do know how to care; the cycle paralyzes access.
- Our job is to create conditions for that caregiving instinct to re‑emerge experientially.
- Both pursuer protest and withdrawer avoidance are hopeful, survival strategies.
- Change often comes through “begrudging respect”: seeing a partner fight their old pattern for the relationship.
We aim to equip therapists with practical tools and encouragement for addressing relational distress. We're also excited to be part of the team behind Success in Vulnerability (SV)—your premier online education platform. SV offers innovative instruction to enhance your therapeutic effectiveness through exclusive modules and in-depth clinical examples.
Stay connected with us:
If you like the concepts discussed on this podcast you can explore our online training program, Success in Vulnerability (SV).
Thank you for being part of our community. Let's push the leading edge together!
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