If you feel that you are in a toxic relationship, here are the 3 primary signs I have come to find in my years of coaching and the countless case studies, articles, and research I have read pertaining to toxicity within a relationship:

1. Lack of Trust and Respect

One of the first signs of a toxic relationship is a lack of trust and respect. If your partner is constantly questioning your motives or accusing you of things you didn't do, it is highly likely that they don't trust you. Trust and respect go hand and hand, therefore, if your partner does not trust you it is likely that they do not respect you. According to Dr. John Gottman, criticism and contempt (one of the dark horseman of the relationship apocalypse). These go hand in hand with trust, respect, and admiration. 

I have worked with clients that are SO deep in the cycle of contempt and criticism that it has become second nature to put each other down. One partner says a comment such as, "you don’t take care of yourself anymore so you always look like shit," and the other responds with, "I would take care of myself if I actually had someone at home I was excited to see." That pattern is not toxic, it is destructive. Destructive to your mind, body, and whole. 

If you feel like your partner doesn't trust or respect you, it's important to have an open and honest conversation about how you feel. This probably seems fruitless if your dynamic is as bad as the example above but it's important to let your partner know that their behavior is not acceptable and that you need to be treated with trust and respect in order for the relationship to work. If your partner is unwilling to change or continues to exhibit toxic behavior, it may be time to end the relationship.

2. Emotional and Verbal Abuse

Emotional and verbal abuse can take many forms: it can be as simple as name-calling or as complex as manipulation. So, if your partner is constantly putting you down or making you feel bad about yourself, I would recommend taking a step back and asking yourself the following questions:

Do I feel I deserve to be treated in this way?

Do I believe the things my partner is saying?

Why am I allowing my partner to treat me in this way?

If we get into the more complex aspect of emotional and verbal abuse, then we have to speak about manipulation and the different ways in which your partner could potentially be manipulating you. If you are unfamiliar with manipulation, here is a short list of possible signs:

Chapters:

Intro

00:01

What do you envision when you think of a toxic relationship?

01:54

Hooking up is off limits on the first date in my book

4:51

Sign #1 of Toxicity: Lack of Trust & Respect

6:27

Sign #2 of Toxicity: Emotional & Verbal Abuse

9:00

Sign #3 of Toxicity: Lack of Support & Understanding

11:34

How to get out of a toxic relationship

14:28

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