November 24, 2023

#37: Are You Addicted to Toxic Men?

20 minutes

As a love and self-esteem coach, I have seen many men fall for the "bad boy" stereotype in relationships. The allure of the bad boy can be strong, but it often leads to heartbreak and disappointment. I work with clients who REALLY struggle with picking the "healthy" guy because they are "boring or too predictable." I understand this in the sense of wanting excitement and adventure in your relationship but it usually raises a red flag for me. The question I ask my clients and I'll ask you now is this…

"Are you really concerned about having a predictable life or have you grown accustomed to instability?" There is a difference.

I understand the need for fun and adventure in a relationship, but those are things that can be worked on and brought up to your partner as something that needs to be a part of the relationship. This requires having open and honest conversation and be willing to put in the work. If you have grown accustomed to instability, there are a couple possibilities as to why:

1. It’s familiar to you and a bit of a comfort zone: Why? There are many reasons but research points towards an unstable childhood, trauma, or a multitude of failed relationships that have caused you pain and a fear of being vulnerable

2. Self sabotage or fear of success: which may stem from the need to validate a negative self-perception which can be rooted in low-esteem, a fear of failure, or deep seated beliefs about unworthiness

3. Escaping emotional pain: instability can be a distraction from emotional pain

4. Seeking validation: some people confuse drama and instability with passion and intensity

The Appeal of the Bad Boy

The bad boy is often seen as exciting and unpredictable, a rebel who doesn't play by society's rules. He may be confident, charming, and sexually adventurous, making him an attractive prospect for those seeking a thrill. He may even be "straight" presenting.

However, the bad boy often comes with a host of issues as well. He may be emotionally unavailable, disrespectful, and prone to cheating or other harmful behavior. He may struggle with addiction or other issues that make a healthy relationship difficult to sustain.

Why We Fall for the Bad Boy

There are many reasons why some gay & bisexual men are drawn to the bad boy type. One possible explanation is a desire for excitement and adventure in their lives. The bad boy offers a break from routine and a chance to experience something new and different.

Another reason may be a desire to fix or rescue the bad boy. Men who struggle with low self-esteem or self-worth may see the bad boy as a challenge to overcome or a project to fix. This can lead to an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship, where one partner is constantly trying to change the other. This is also where we start to get into the patterns of anxious attachments and codependency.

Finally, some men may simply be attracted to the bad boy's confidence and charisma. They may overlook warning signs or red flags because they are enamored with the bad boy's charm and charisma.

Chapters:

Intro