372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

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Look, we can explain – there’s just so much to cover! Every single sentence, every exchange, every plot advancement brings whole new galaxies of madness.

Included in the mighty length of this episode are some Dumb Sentences (along with a new theme!) and see if Mike can improve upon his dismal Real or FanFic score.

Many thanks to listener Jonathan for his Dumb Sentence theme (we will probably debut others as well in the coming weeks.) Thanks, Jonathan!

Get the book here (affiliate link)

READING ASSIGNMENT: Read Chap 5 Messenger of the King

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Thus, an epic episode. The, longest, maybe, ever? (just making sure your reading the book…….)

True and utter madness, like nothing we’ve ever read before on 372 Pages. Seriously. It is not hyperbole; this is deranged, and you must read along, if only to prove we’re not going slowly insane.

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Assignment: Read the next two chapters.

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Spoiler: frosting is discussed at some length. As are dreams, and if there’s anything more exciting than hearing about someone else’s dream, I’D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS!!

If you don’t want to listen to the nonsense, you can find the new book here (affiliate link)

Assignment: read up to the chapter titled “The Realm of Eris”

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We end the year with absolutely blockbuster news. Seriously, a twist so shocking that no cozy writer could ever conceive of it. We won’t spoil it, but we tackle the revelation at the very beginning so be prepared to be stunned.

That aside, this reading is full of hot shoulders, chilled breasts and lots of folksy Uncle Kidd wisdom. Not to mention the solution to the central mystery!

Get the book on kindle and paperback

Get How to Write and Market a Christmas Cozy Mystery here (affiliate links)

T. Lockhaven’s “Resource” page for “writing” your own: https://christmascozymystery.com/resources

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Time to check in with Murphy, Carmen, Ophelia, Uncle Kidd, Marisol, Granddaddy, Aunt Lucy, Aunt Lindy, Darbie Grimes, Darbie Grimes’ mother, three dead husbands killed in an unknown accident, Simon, Lawrence Galloway, Miquel, Douglas, Judge Ed Simpson, Paul Turner, Phyllis Newton, Bailey Fox, Jerry, Mandy, Charles Deever, Dan Stevens, Mrs. Dan Stevens, Dr. Garrett, Melva Brooks, Lorine Reynolds, Pastor Mark Reed, Janet Crosby, Sherriff Ken Grayson, and Walter Green of Sunflower, Texas.

Santa dies, the blood pools around his head, his hair and presumably some flesh are stuck on the bedpost of our narrator and the handsome sheriff is covering up the fact that obviously foul play is involved. In other words, cozy!

READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish the book.

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In real time, Mike and Conor select their next book – and we guarantee it will be cozy! Select your hugest, fuzziest slippers (preferably cartoon-based), your giant cup of cocoa, we’re talking soup bowl sized with a handle on the side, and get a fire going, anywhere. Even if you don’t have a fireplace.

It’s cozy time!

If you don’t want to listen, you can find the book in paperback and on kindle (affiliate links)

ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 7

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An absolutely epic end to an epic book. Let’s list them off: giant gorillas, chimpanzees, giant ostriches, gigantic komodo-looking dragons, witch princesses in sheer linen gowns: it’s obvious Larry got a little excited and wrote the end of this one.

No Real or Fanfic; however Mike’s stats on this are discussed. Spoiler alert. They are not good. New book announcement coming very soon.

Here’s Denise’s Moepek rewrite/reimagining that we talk about at the beginning of the show: https://amzn.to/3sNig7b (affiliate link!)

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Incredible – truly incredible – Larry and Denise stuff in this section. The vast majority of this reading could have been submitted as Real or Fanfic and fooled Mike every time. And speaking of, please listen in if only to hear Mike fail miserably at Real or Fanfic! READING

ASSIGNMENT: *sigh* Finish the book.

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Like jumping into a waterfall and landing in a Nile River of madness, The Adventures of the Teen Archaeologists (Book 1) The Land of the Moepeks by Larry and Denise Ellis does not disappoint. The character names come at you fast and furious, there’s a disproportionate amount of yelling, a ton of sarcasm, some non-caring remarks, and best of all, flying dinosaurs from Flying Dinosaur Island which is right next door to the Land of the Moepeks.

A lot of great Fanfic, Dumb Sentences and Listener Mail to boot.

Assignment: Read thru Chapter 11

Links:

-John’s signed and annotated copy of How To Revive The Middle Class (Get your own here (affiliate link)

-Jan’s exhaustive character spreadsheet 

The much discussed potential tattoo

Join us on Patreon, where every episode comes out a week early and you get to hear all the other bonus stuff we only put on there! And check out “The Naked Clone” a book that Mike & Conor co-authored with Kevin, Bill, and Sean from RiffTrax!

Yes, a long episode, but this book more than earns it. So much to talk about, so many Real or Fanfics, so many Dumb Sentences, so many slaps on so many teenage faces…

And folks, you may not believe it, but Larry and Denise actually innovate a new redundancy in writing that must be read and re-read to be believed.

[Very slight audio note: toward the end, there’s a blip in Conor’s track where he disappears for about a half a second. Just so you know you’re not hallucinating.]

Archived Antigua website

Archived Moepek website

READING ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 7